Was this in bad taste, on my part?

[disnygoof]

I personally think your mom went a bit overboard. But I wouldn't stop talking to her or be mad at her for long. Believe me, you don't want to be in a situation where you are not involved in her life anymore or vice versa. Believe me, there have been many occasions where I have bit my tongue with my Mom, but realized I do not want to be in a relationship with my Mom like my Mom has with her mom (we do not speak with my Grandma...long stupid story). I do not think she prefers you over your brother. It may seem like that, but you don't know how she reacted when you got married, moved out, etc. You just witness it with your brother. Your Mom is scared. She is going to go through the whole "empty nest" thing, if she hasn't already and she is desperately hanging on to the thin threads she has connecting her to her kids. Granted, I do not condone what she did because a guilt trip is not a good thing to lay on your family in any situation. Plus, at the end of the day, this isn't ultimately the be-all, end-all event of your family. Everyone needs to get over it.

I do think that you should have stayed until the end and had your DH take the kids home. This is your brother and it's important. Think how you'd feel if the situation were reversed and your brother ducked out early on your wedding. I know I'd be upset if my brother had done that. I think you handled it overall well by saying goodbye to everyone. I would not have left early though. Just my two cents.

 

[Shugardrawers]

Staying to help clean up would have been the nice thing to do but you had valid reasons for leaving when you did and it's not like you didn't try to be of help the entire time. Ignore her. It sounds like your mother has issues and if your brother is so upset over all this that he'll never forgive you, well, frankly he has even greater issues. I'm guessing he didn't think a thing of it.

I also don't see the big deal with them taking the bride and groom to the airport. Heck, Dh and I are both over 40 and we still have family drop us off for flights rather than pay for a cab. Family just does that kind of stuff for each other.

Oh and even if it is the bride's families responsibility to clean up (according to whom??) the right thing to do is to at least offer to help.

 

[daisyduck123]

I haven't read all the replies, but here's mine:

You did nothing wrong. Why should you be expected to stay & clean up?
Guests at my reception did not do that. We had people payed to set up/clean up. Maybe mom & dad shouldn't have been so cheap if they did not want to do it all. Oh...I'd be mad! Mom will just have to "get over it".

You were not the hired help at the reception.

 

[Maleficent13]

Her baby got married, she's all in a fuss.

What she said. I wouldn't buy into the guilt trip.

 

[salmoneous]

I think your Mom is out of line for thinking you had an obligation to stay to the end. And she is nuts (no really, I mean it, as in needs to seek out help) for taking what should be a time of family happiness, and turning it into a fight.

 

[Laura]

I haven't read all the replies, but here's mine:

You did nothing wrong. Why should you be expected to stay & clean up?
Guests at my reception did not do that. We had people payed to set up/clean up. Maybe mom & dad shouldn't have been so cheap if they did not want to do it all. Oh...I'd be mad! Mom will just have to "get over it".

You were not the hired help at the reception.

I agree, my dad and a couple of other guests took my presents over to his house after the reception (which was nice), but none of my guests cleaned up afterwards. They're my guests, not my maids. And I certainly wasn't keeping track of when everyone left the reception.

I wouldn't worry about it, OP. It's just a mom guilt trip.

 

[poohandwendy]

I haven't read all of the replies either. But I do not think you did the wrong thing. I also think your mother may be using your DB and his new wife as an excuse to make it seem like she isn't the only one mad at you. I would bet they never even gave it a second thought. If anything, she was probably the one making an issue of it and used the opportunity when driving them to the airport to do so.

I hate to admit it, I love my mother, but she does this with me and my siblings (5 of us). She will use one of the other siblings as a pawn in the argument and she will tell me that they are in agreement (ie, strength in numbers). 9 times out of 10, when it comes down to the nitty gritty, they weren't even aware that they are being used as pawns and they usually don't care at all about the issue. Thankfully, we are all very open with each other/close and this does not cause any rifts between us.

It's manipulation, pure and simple. And not very nice.

That said, I would not give it another thought. She will get over it and if your brother has a problem with you, it's up to him to bring it up.

 

[PhotobearSam]

I think that was fine on your part...I would have loved my Brother to have spent that amount of time being there for me.


If your mother thinks you did not do enough, tell her to call me. I can tell her my brother backed out of reading at my wedding and he didn't have the courage to tell me that himself, he had his wife tell me, because he was mad at my Mom and Dad, did not take family photos with us at all and only said hello to me once in that time.

I was devastated. I cried for days. He ruined a very special place in my heart. He is the only sibling I have and I love him very much but it hurt me a lot.

I think that you were responsible and I am sure your brother is not even mad at you...Your mother need to let him grow up.

 

[Beth76]

Who made up the rule that blood relatives have to stay until the end? That's a new one. It's not like the OP ate and ran. She left an hour early after a full day of festivities.

DH, DS and I left early from my cousin's wedding. I would have liked to stay longer but it was insisted that I bring my 10 month old to this wedding and he had to get home to bed. I'm pretty sure no one was bothered that I left early.

OP, I don't know why your mom (and some people here) have their panties all in a bunch. You did your part graciously which is more than I can say for your mother. And I can tell you I would not be cleaning up after someone's wedding. No guest should be expected to do that.

 

[redshoes]

I appreciate everyone's opinions, thank you all for being honest with me.

I have no intention of not talking to my Mom or ignoring her. If I did that everytime my Mom gave me a guilt trip, I would never have a conservation with her . Honestly, I understand why she would be upset at me and that is her right. However, what I'm not okay with is the way she handled being upset with me. I'm from the school of thought that if you have an issue with how I do things be upfront and have enough guts to come out and say it to me, none of this beating around the bush stuff. I still might not agree with your opinion, but I'll be happy listen to what you have to say as long as you approach me correctly.

As for my brother, I have not had a real close relationship with him for years now. He lives on the other side of the country and we are in totally different stages of life (plus I stopped kissing his butt years ago). I'm thrilled that he has found happiness with his new wife, they are a perfect couple and I hope that they will continue to fall more in love everyday. But if me leaving their wedding an hour early is an unforgiveable sin in their eyes, then so be it.

As a side note, the reason for getting a ride to the airport was not a saving money issue at all. Heck, they took a 45 min limo ride to the hotel from the wedding reception. It was because the bride did not want to change out of her wedding dress until after they had "settled" into the hotel. The hotel actually has a shuttle to the airport that they could have taken but she didnt want her dress to be left behind and waiting for someone to pick it up. So my parents drove the hour and a half to pickup her dress and take them to the airport because her parents refused.

Honestly though, I appreciate everyone's opinions- it's given me a chance to look at this from a couple of different angles.

 

[LauraR]

Well, at least you got invited to the wedding---my brother got married last Saturday too, and I wasn't even invited (Long story)! And I saw that the reception was to include "Children over the age of 18"(???) So that would have let out my 9 and 11 years olds.
Seriously though, we took our kids to my husband's cousin's wedding when they were 6 and 4. They got to escort the flower girls down the aisle. The reception was a sit down affair. After about 4 hours and not even close to cutting the cake, it was close to midnight. The kids were tired, so we left before everyone else (the flower girls were still there). But nobody made a fuss!

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Well, at least you got invited to the wedding---my brother got married last Saturday too, and I wasn't even invited (Long story)! And I saw that the reception was to include "Children over the age of 18"(???) So that would have let out my 9 and 11 years old

I see no problem with this. A lot of folks don't want kids at their wedding because they can get noisy and disruptive.

 

[VSL]

Who made up the rule that blood relatives have to stay until the end?

[snip]

And I can tell you I would not be cleaning up after someone's wedding. No guest should be expected to do that.

ITA.

Also, I assume that someone's children is their top priority and, from the OP's last post, it doesn't seem that the OP is all that close to her brother anyway.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

None of my family nor any of my guests did any cleaning up. My reception was at a hotel and my wedding coordinator took care of everything at the church. My mom and stepfather went back to the church with her to see if she needed any help, but she insisted they go home because it was all a part of her service to us My mom went home, had a glass of red wine, and collapsed on the couch.

My poor mother married off 3 daughters in 2 years. She was quite exhausted.

 

[pirateofthecarolinas]

I agree, my dad and a couple of other guests took my presents over to his house after the reception (which was nice), but none of my guests cleaned up afterwards. They're my guests, not my maids. And I certainly wasn't keeping track of when everyone left the reception.

ITA, my family would never, ever ask the guests, or the groom's family to help clean up. That is RUDE!

Lori

 

[Jynohn]

I think what you did was actually very considerate. Parents should know their kids limits and try not to push them past. Had the kids stayed and caused a scene then I would tell you that you should have been more considerate and taken them home.

You did what was best for your children and I'd say that you owe noone any justifications, rationalizations or apologies. Mom was out of line.

Actually, I believe it is in bad taste to ask your guests to setup and cleanup.

I agree with this post 100%. I would have had the complete opposite problem with my sister. She's always pushing her kids past their limits and doesn't know when they're tired and enough's enough. She'd be the one at the wedding with the crying, tantruming kids who wouldn't have the courtesy of bringing them home or at least removing them from the reception for a while until they could calm down. I think you did the right thing and don't owe anyone any apologies.

I've also never heard of expecting guests to stay afterwards to clean up. It's one thing if money was an issue and they couldn't afford to hire anyone to clean up afterwards. But even if that were the case, you should have been asked beforehand, it should never have been assumed especially since you helped set up too.

Hopefully your mom is over reacting and your brother and his wife are not angry at all. Sounds like your mom may be instigating a little. Hope all turns out well with your family...

 

[Shugardrawers]

Admittedly, my family couldn't have afforded to hire someone but I thought lots of people did the whole wedding themselves? From sewing dresses to making food in your own kitchen to sweeping up and doing dishes afterwards we did it all. It would be considered rude for family members NOT to pitch in. However, I do think the OP had legitimate reasons for leaving early and at least in my family she'd have been sent off with a hug and kiss and thank you for all she did.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Like I'd mentioned previously, we also had a very simple wedding, but I sure can't imagine getting mad at someone for not helping more than they felt that they could, especially if it wasn't agreed upon beforehand.

The ironic thing is that people are always complaining about parents pushing their kids past the breaking point and "don't parents know when to put kids to bed?" and here's an example of parents knowing when to put the kids to bed.

Yes, in hindsight maybe they should have split up with the OP's husband bringing the kids back and putting them to bed, but it doesn't sound like the OP and her brother were close and it probably didn't down on her. She had told them that the kids wouldn't last past a certain time and that time was over already, so it's not as if they went back early.

If this incident ruins a relationship there really isn't very much of a relationship there to ruin.

 

[disykat]

Admittedly, my family couldn't have afforded to hire someone but I thought lots of people did the whole wedding themselves? From sewing dresses to making food in your own kitchen to sweeping up and doing dishes afterwards we did it all. It would be considered rude for family members NOT to pitch in. However, I do think the OP had legitimate reasons for leaving early and at least in my family she'd have been sent off with a hug and kiss and thank you for all she did.

ITA! Of course, the OP had valid reasons for leaving. I doubt the Brother and SIL even noticed and think the mom is just being a crank.

However, I've been really bothered on this thread by the disparaging remarks about the wedding. Starting with the OP thinking the reception hall wasn't good enough, followed by people commenting on the lack of dinner served and the lack of people hired to clean up/set up.

My wedding was one of the best days of my life. It would have horrified most of the people here. Not a single paid staff person in sight - unless you count the money we gave the minister and the organist.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

disykat, we hardly spent anything on our wedding. We were poor, young college students! That was almost 24 years ago and we're doing ok now (nice house, 4 kids, suburbia, the whole ball of wax... ). Yep, people would be shocked at how simple it was, including my own kids.