Was my nephew's comment out of line??

[goofy4tink]

Here's the story fellow DISers...I know you guys will tell it to me like it is, so be honest please.
We all gathered in Boston yesterday for a 75th birthday brunch for my mil. We went to a very nice spot. Well, we are seated at a long table. My nephew, almost 11 and extremly adult in a not so good way, is seated across from dh and myself. His parents (my dh's brother and his wife) are seated at the other end of the table. So, we are discussing something or other and one of the sisters-in-law (not nephew's mom) asked me how my brother was doing. I said he was doing remarkably well. Well, nephew says, "Is that the brother that is emotionally unstable?" Knock me over with a feather!!! I was astounded. I told him that my brother was doing extremely well, that we all had 'issues' at one time or another and a lot of people were emotionally unstable at some point. I guess from my tone of voice he gathered I was less than pleased. Yes, my db had some severe issues a few years back, but has dealt with them in a truly wonderful way and is once again a functioning person.

I guess my question is...should I feel put out that obviously my dh's brother and his wife are discussing my family issues at their house. I was so surprised to hear this come out of an 11 y/o's mouth...even my 12 y/o dd was shocked. My sil, across the table from us, turned white when nephew said that. I don't want to make a huge issue here, but wanted to find out if I am justified in my feelings. Any thoughts?

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Yes I think it was out of line and I think your BIL and his wife need to watch what they say. Good for you for say something to your nephew.

 

[Marseeya]

I think the parents were out of line for telling saying anything in front of the nephew. It sounds like they were treating it as something that's not shameful or a secret, so he picked up on their cues.

 

[HERSEY]

In my opinion he is old enough not to say hurtful things. I explained to my own son at an early age how words can hurt someones feelings.

 

[kirbsam]

i think you were right to say something to the kid. but as for his parents, if it came up at their house and they called him emotionally unstable, that is a pretty nice way to talk about it, i think. i can think of many more ways to talk about it, and way more rude. it sounds like the family has talked about it with respect for the 11 yo kid to say emotionally unstable.

 

[Microcell]

Yes, it was out of line, and a very dumb thing to say, but after all, he is 11. I am sure that your family is being discussed, he proved that much, but let me tell you a story about my MIL to put it in perspective.

I have been absolutely sure that my in laws probably are not the most fond of me, and to my mind it was proven when she thought she was not being heard on my answering machine. We were supposed to be getting together that morning and it was beginning to snow, so she called, and I couldn't get to the phone and I heard on my machine the snarkiest ever "Well, now where did she go?"

I was offended and hurt, but my coworkers and DH all said she might have just been frustrated and to think about if I wanted to cause a family rift out of what might have been a harmless situation. I didn't mostly because I didn't want to start some family war when I am already estranged from my father. the comment was not enough for me to cut off my kids from their only relatively good grandparents.

I think we are all discussed by those that are close to us, and we have to pick our battles. You can imagine all kinds of scenarios where they were talking about how you both are unstable and they hate you (because the reason it is so offensive is that you probably wonder what else is said). All that might have been said about your brother was , "I heard that he just got out of the hospital,, that is good. I hope it helped, he has been battling unstable emotions all his life..."

My boss used to say, pick the hill you want to die on. If this is enough for you to possibly have a big fight over, then talk to your inlaws about how hurt you are. I know from experience how hard it is not to fight, but sometimes it is for the greater good.

I do hope your brother continues to do well. Good luck.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

So was it his uncle that was being talked about? I'm getting a bit confused.

At 11yo it seems that he was old enough to keep quiet about it, but I do know of kids thag age who have a hard time knowing when it's appropriate to comment about something and when to keep quiet. My 12yo would never have said something, and neither would my DD at that age, but I'm not positive that my 15yo wouldn't at that age. I know my 6yo would say something, but he's learning when to be quiet and at a meal that adults and kids were sitting together he would be near me for a good reason (and because he's a mamma's boy ).

As to the actual comment, it was slightly offensive, but it doesn't sound untrue. And if it was their brother that was also being talked about they would have the right to talk about him and even if it wasn't then people do talk and it's hard to know how the discussion came up in their home. It could have happened in a very loving and caring way.

I think that you handled it very well, as hard as it must have been.

I do not mean this in a mean way, but would you rather for your brother's name to be taboo in the family? They could have been speaking of him in a very caring way. I would find that out first. IF you say anything (not sure that you should--you handled it at the time) I would just say that you were surprised that he made the comment.

 

[NMAmy]

It's obvious that the kid either overheard his parents discussing it or they were trying to explain it in a respectful way to him. I wouldn't be put out that they were discussing it but I come from a pretty open family that discusses everything--together and separately. You are certainly entitled to your own feelings on the matter but to chastise your in-laws for discussing your brother's problems in their own home would be a bit much. You don't know for sure if the child just overheard the conversation or if they told him about the situation. If he overheard it being discussed in a matter of fact manner, that may be why your nephew doesn't realize you don't consider it dinner conversation.

 

[goofy4tink]

Thanks guys..Tigger&Belle, it was my brother they were talking about, completely unrelated to nephew..nephew on my dh's side. And no, we don't think it's shameful in the least. And this young man has no problem with not being old enough to know right from wrong...when we were talking about this coming Friday being his 11th birthday..he said..."And it's an inportant day for another reason...it's World Health Organization Day." This was in response to my dh adding that it was our anniversary as well as his birthday. He is indeed precocious and has to always be center stage. He interrupts his parents during 'adult' conversations....of couse his parents stop talking and say..."Oh, did you have something to add honey??"
I have no problem with my brother's 'instability' just the fact that my dh's family is sitting around discussing it in front of their son, who in turn brings it up at the table. I guess the bottom line is that I have my own issues with this kid, so get a bit 'on edge' too easily. It will go no further than here, although my dh has said that he has no problem with letting this be a reason for us to stop being part of family get togethers!!! Can you tell how much he enjoys them?? He says that if he weren't related to that one brother, he would never socialize with him....just nothing in common, come from two entirely different places I guess. The other brother (and his wife) are fun to be around as long as the older brother (and his wife in particular) aren't in the mix....way too snooty and above it all. Ah well....families. What can you do. Just grin and bear it I guess. Thanks for the comments you all.

 

[RitaZ.]

Excellent response by you! Boys that age often have "diarrhea of the mouth" and are still learning how to conduct themselves in a social setting/conversation. His parents obviously discussed the subject at home, but not necessarily in a derrogatory way. I'm sure that he got the message though.

Please don't take this as a flame, it is NOT meant as one. I think one of the reasons mental illness still carries such a stigma is because a lot of people prefer that it not be discussed out of fear and shame.

 

[Hannathy]

Personally I'm wondering what you are so upset about - that your brother is emotionally unstable or that he said it. I don't think it is out of line at all and think it is a very polite way to state it. I would be pleased that my 11 yr old phrased it so well. If you were talking about someone and they said is that the brother that broke his leg is that bad? If there are several uncles in the family he was probably just trying to sort them out in his head. He was being discussed right? Is it a secret? wasn't everyone family ? He didn't stand up and announce it to strangers. IMO you are making a bigger deal out of it than it deserves unless he went on to say something condenscending.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

He interrupts his parents during 'adult' conversations....of couse his parents stop talking and say..."Oh, did you have something to add honey??"

I know the type of kids and parents and it drives me crazy. Most kids will try to interrupt, mine included, and parents aren't doing their child a favor be allowing them to do so. Gets my goat, too.

We do know of a child that sounds a lot like this boy, however, and sometimes there are some health issues that make it harder for them to clue into when to be quiet. This particular boy is VERY smart, but does have a hard time filtering what comes out of his mouth and probably others who don't know his issues have a hard time thinking that he just doesn't know when to be quiet. Don't know that your nephew has anything going on, but sometimes things are pretty invisible.

 

[padams]

Personally I'm wondering what you are so upset about - that your brother is emotionally unstable or that he said it. I don't think it is out of line at all and think it is a very polite way to state it. I would be pleased that my 11 yr old phrased it so well. If you were talking about someone and they said is that the brother that broke his leg is that bad? If there are several uncles in the family he was probably just trying to sort them out in his head. He was being discussed right? Is it a secret? wasn't everyone family ? He didn't stand up and announce it to strangers. IMO you are making a bigger deal out of it than it deserves unless he went on to say something condenscending.

I agree. He's just a 10 year old chlld, repeating what he has heard.

 

[goofy4tink]

Personally I'm wondering what you are so upset about - that your brother is emotionally unstable or that he said it. I don't think it is out of line at all and think it is a very polite way to state it. I would be pleased that my 11 yr old phrased it so well. If you were talking about someone and they said is that the brother that broke his leg is that bad? If there are several uncles in the family he was probably just trying to sort them out in his head. He was being discussed right? Is it a secret? wasn't everyone family ? He didn't stand up and announce it to strangers. IMO you are making a bigger deal out of it than it deserves unless he went on to say something condenscending.

Not upset about my brother's emotional instability at all...in fact, he still has to deal with it and always will. And it wasn't so much the comment, as to the 'how' it was made. It was said in a 'sneering' type of tone. There is no way that I am embarrassed by my brother or his many issues...instability probably due to his being gay and an alcoholic and being pushed over the edge when our mother died and a relationship that had gone horribly bad about 6 months before mother died. I am, in fact, quite proud of what my brother has accomplished, and feel that is what he should be recognized for.
Nope, the thing that upset me was the way the comment was made. I just can't imagine anyone using that 'phrase' to recognize someone...why not 'oh the brother who is a maitre d'? Or 'the brother that is the artist?' Brother's previous bout of mental illness had no bearing on the discussion. That was my reasoning.

And, of course, I would never speak to his parents about the comment! I can only imagine the family broohaha that would cause! Enough family drama on my own side, don't want to start it on dh's side (even though he says he would welcome it). Nope, just venting to you guys...the impartial jury so to speak. I do welcome all views, even though I may not agree with them. That's why I asked here...knew I would get a good varied response.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

In your first post you hadn't said that he said it in a sneering type of tone. That would have been offensive more than the actual words. Kids (and too many adults...) don't think things through and use the least offensive terms when referring to someone. And like you said, he's used to joining in the conversations and probably felt that he should pipe up when in reality maybe he should have listened. Probably a combination of his personality and his parenting.

 

[va32h]

I just can't imagine anyone using that 'phrase' to recognize someone

I doubt an 11 year old came up with the phrase "emotionally unstable" on his own. He is obviously repeating what he heard from his parents, and they are the ones you should talk to, even though you say you won't.

My dd is 10, and she is still learning how to self-censor. I have to remind her all the time that she doesn't need to verbalize every thought that passes through her mind. Children frequently speak without thinking. This is a skill that many adults haven't mastered, either.

In the larger sense, yes the comment was inappropriate, but based on your OP, I don't get the sense of any malice behind it.

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, here's my "take" on it. This kid's parents are snobs. I am sure they were talking about your brother, and probably in a not-too-sympathetic manner, but that's life. I wouldn't worry about it...karma has a way of biting those kinds of people on the butt, if you KWIM. You can only hope you'll be around to see it. Their kid, who is probably a precocious little brat, overheard his parents' nasty, condescending tone and picked up on it.

I think your response to him was perfect. I don't think there's any reason to take it any further. If you said it in a pretty firm tone of voice, he got the message, and you may have done him a favor by teaching him that not everything he says is accepted with a "isn't he the most wonderful, special child in the uiverse" attitude that his parents obviously bestow upon him.

 

[lucyblondecat]

I didn't think it was out of line until you said he said it in a sneering tone. That is rude and out of line and it sounds to me as though they were discussing your family in a way that would make him respond like that. Many people do look down on those who are "emotionally unstable" simply because they don't understand emotional instability. They think its somehow the person's fault for being mentally ill. Perhaps they conveyed this sort of attitude to him in their discussion, which is why he felt justified to ask you about your brother in a sneering tone.

I would have used the opportunity as a springboard to discuss what it means to be mentally ill, and how proud you are of your brother for coming so far while facing such adversity.

 

[auntpolly]

My dd is 10, and she is still learning how to self-censor. I have to remind her all the time that she doesn't need to verbalize every thought that passes through her mind. Children frequently speak without thinking. This is a skill that many adults haven't mastered, either.

In the larger sense, yes the comment was inappropriate, but based on your OP, I don't get the sense of any malice behind it.

I agree. I think it was a case of a kid trying to say something intelligent in a grown up discussion and blowing it. It sounds like soemthing I would have done at that age. I always wanted to be part of the "grown ups" conversations and probably said some crazy stuff.

He wasn't making fun or anything, was he? Cut him a break.

 

[Skywalker]

I have a brother who has been suicidal and you bet everyone in my husband's family has brought it up at one time or another. It is really only natural. Are you telling me that you never discuss other family member's business in your home? That would be pretty surprising - I think to some extent we all do it. Not many people limit their daily family discussion to world politics. It is a kid and that is his perception and he is allowed to speak, isn't he? I'm just saying I would not be bothered. If the kid is just an obnoxious kid to begin with, especially, I wouldn't take it "personally".