was I inconsiderate??

[mouseforcemom]

Meh. I don't see the big deal. Maybe that makes me a bad friend, but whatever. The crap people get upset about is intriguing to me. Most of us that are moms don't have time to get upset or even expend energy on it. What little I have left this evening is keeping me sitting up straight, lol.

You called. Spouse trumps Mac N Cheese. Finis. If she wants to waste energy on it, that's her deal.

YMMV.

 

[shortbun]

My marriage takes top priority. Your 'friend' is being unreasonable. Inconsiderate would have been simply no showing.

 

[momrek06]

I am trying to figure out why the Mom making the M&C is "furious" over your change of plans ... did by chance the other Moms and Kiddos coming cancel as well and she was left with enough M&C for 5 Adults and 11 Kiddos ...

Well as others have posted I do not think it was inconsiderate to cancel and spend the day with your DH at all. You called first thing in the a.m. and she blew a casket ... she IS the unstable one. M&C can be frozen very easily.

Hope you had a nice day with DH and btw, how did your friend treat you TONIGHT when you went to her house?

 

[famofsix]

i think your friend is making a big deal out of nothing and will get over it

 

[okeydokey]

I tell my kids that they can't cancel plans they made with friends because something better came along, because it is inconsiderate.

 

[krcit]

No, you were not.

My family comes first.

I would have done the exact same thing and not given her wadded panties another thought.

I have no patience for people that try to create drama where there is none (meaning the other mom, not you).

I have no use for drama. I have too many friends that have real problems...cancer, divorce, drug addicted spouse.. that I have zero patience for people who invent stuff to be upset about.

 

[Hannathy]

I tell my kids that they can't cancel plans they made with friends because something better came along, because it is inconsiderate.

See this is what I was getting at. All you Moms who say you don't think it is inconsiderate do you not tell your kids they can't do this? How is it any different? When your DD's start dating can they ditch the first boy who asks them to the dance if the cool boy asks them later that week? would that be OK? How is this any different? her DH lives at home it isn't like he just came back from an 18 month deployment.

So it is ok if you do it but not if your kids do it?

 

[Skywalker]

You were inconsiderate.

Maybe she was mad because she got a "better offer" also and declined because she felt you all had a commitment to do something. I mean, what is the point of anyone ever making plans then?

At least she was honest about being ticked off and not like some people who act all fine but secretly hate you forever, lol.

 

[allison443]

See this is what I was getting at. All you Moms who say you don't think it is inconsiderate do you not tell your kids they can't do this? How is it any different? When your DD's start dating can they ditch the first boy who asks them to the dance if the cool boy asks them later that week? would that be OK? How is this any different? her DH lives at home it isn't like he just came back from an 18 month deployment.

So it is ok if you do it but not if your kids do it?

You make a good point. I do see a difference in OP's situation, though. It was a weekly group get together that still went on without her being there. I do think it was odd to complain about having made too much mac and cheese, though.

 

[cm8]

Naw if you show up with DH in tow it gives you a good out to skip out soon then they cannot complain you did not show.

Either way why not call Monday night?

Inconsiderate but understandable. I also don't let DD change plans because she got a better offer. I consider it rude.

Denise in MI

she probably would have said that they didn't stay LONG enough......Either way, the OP would have been covered in Mac and cheese

 

[bumbershoot]

Of course... this is the CB, and one can't help but mention that if you'd only been raising a household of liars like some of us there'd be no hard feelings...

OP said

he got the day off and we have not been able to do any family time for a couple weeks. It was a beautiful day so we jumped at the chance.

This wasn't just a hubby&her thing, it was a whole family thing.

Family is longer-standing than homeschool group, therefore family trumps Tuesday meeting.

Though I can imagine it might have been extra-nice to take hubby along to the gathering...if I were part of a homeschool group (something I've been avoiding like anything) I'm sure hubby would LOVE to go to it, since he loves being part of anything having to do with DS's education. He's also very social.

But if we chose to do something else, I would expect others to understand. After all, one of the many reasons people choose to homeschool is for family togetherness, even though it usually ends up with one parent having all the togetherness with the kids, LOL. Therefore, having ALL of the family together would be a perfect reason to change plans!

But my long-standing friends all know that we're all happy if things change so that we can spend time with family. I wouldn't be friends with people who would have a fit over something like this.


The thing about "you can't make a commitment then change it"... As a human, I would rather have someone WANT to hang out with me, rather than just hang out with me because they made the plan. If someone had a "better" offer, I'd much rather not go on the outing/dinner/dance/date, since I would be the one they are only there with because they weren't allowed to change.

And the whole point is that if they *do* change, they get to deal with the consequences... Alas, mac/cheese lady is giving OP the consequences, though IMO they make no sense.

 

[MELSMICE]

I would have done the same thing you did, especially considering it was a weekly event.

Heck........I declined an invite to a bridal shower a few weeks ago because it was mine & DH's 23rd anniversary. We didn't even do anything special, just hung out at home watching football on a Sunday afternoon, but it was our anniversary & I wanted to spend time with my hubby!!!!!

I'm of the opinion that this is my life & I'm going do do what I want & enjoy myself. If I had wanted to spend the day with my DH & family instead of going to a get together like you described that's what I would have done!

 

[npmommie]

Yes it was inconsiderate but understandable. Why if you knew Monday night did you not let her know then.

Why could DH have not just gone with you.

Denise in MI

You are right, I could have called Monday night. I didn't though and I guess my reasoning was we had no plans at that point, hubby was exhausted, and when the next days weather turned out so sunny and beautiful with the fall leaves and all that we decided to get out and enjoy.

and oh my hubby would NOT want to come along, it was a bunch of moms, LOL, he would have been like a fish out of water.
we do have get togethers periodically when the husbands can come along. but this was just the moms getting together for the kids to play and we socialize

SO basically you are saying that you (the teacher) and your kids (the students) ditched school?

yes that is exactly what I am saying

I am trying to figure out why the Mom making the M&C is "furious" over your change of plans ... did by chance the other Moms and Kiddos coming cancel as well and she was left with enough M&C for 5 Adults and 11 Kiddos ...

Well as others have posted I do not think it was inconsiderate to cancel and spend the day with your DH at all. You called first thing in the a.m. and she blew a casket ... she IS the unstable one. M&C can be frozen very easily.

Hope you had a nice day with DH and btw, how did your friend treat you TONIGHT when you went to her house?

No one else cancelled, just me. We did have a nice day!
we got pumpkins and went for a hike with the kids which was so nice with all the fall colors

oh and tonight when I walked in her front door, she immediately came over to me and hugged me.
I think she got over herself already

You were inconsiderate.

Maybe she was mad because she got a "better offer" also and declined because she felt you all had a commitment to do something. I mean, what is the point of anyone ever making plans then?

At least she was honest about being ticked off and not like some people who act all fine but secretly hate you forever, lol.

You are right, I would much prefer to know when I have offended someone so we can clear the air.

 

[palmtreegirl]

You didn't do anything wrong, she's being unreasonable.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

I let the friends know first thing in the morning we wouldn't be there.

That's not rude... you did the right thing there

so 5 adults and 11 kids total.

I was not supposed to bring any food item for the gathering. she offered to make this big batch of mac and cheese and we orig said we would be coming.

1) she was already making a metric ton of food
2) I doubt she started it before you called to tell her your plans changed...
3) Does she hate leftovers??

if it was reversed and she had the opportunity to do something with her spouse, I would say go have fun! I wouldn't take it personally like she did.

she felt I should have said no to hubby and gone to her house.

Wow. She's jealous of your alone time with your hubby?!? I'd tell off a friend of mine if they said anything close to that to me. My time with DH is very important, especially since it's hard for us to get any time... at all. We're on separate shifts, so if I felt it was necessary to have some "us" time, I'd take it.

 

[design_mom]

The more details I hear about this, the more I'm swinging toward inconsiderate (I previously posted "somewhat inconsiderate.") My reasons are:

1) I originally thought that the husband had been unavailable to the family for a while (extended business trip, working 80 hour weeks, etc) and this was a last-minute opportunity to seize some family time, so she took it. But her DH had been available to the family but the family had prioritized a household project above spending time together as a family. (My DH is working on finishing our basement and is spending nearly all of his free time down there. I know how it is, but... )

2) The OP knew that her DH would be available on Monday night, but didn't immediately decide to take the opportunity to spend time together. It was only when they saw the beautiful weather that she decided to cancel her previous plans. If they were that starved for family time, I think they would have done something together regardless of the weather. This is definitely sounding more in the "better offer" category, rather than an "unexpected opportunity that I just couldn't pass up."

3) In my opinion, canceling the morning of an event is "short notice" and should be avoided. Sometimes it's unavoidable (emergencies, etc), but in this case I think it was avoidable and was inconsiderate to the host who was planning on your attendance.

I don't think it's worth ruining a friendship over, and I wouldn't be "furious." I am glad that the OP's friend has calmed down. But since the OP asked if we thought she was inconsiderate, and I think she was. I am not sure that I wouldn't have done the same thing, but I would recognize that I was inconsiderate to my friend and wouldn't be surprised if she was upset.

I get frustrated by people who say things like "my family comes first" or "my marriage is my priority" as a way to justify their rude behavior. My family/marriage is very high on my priority list, too, but to me that would mean either declining the plans with the homeschool group in the first place (or at least calling *as soon as* I knew I had an opportunity to spend time with my husband, regardless of weather), adjusting the schedule of the home project to allow for "family time", or working together on the project so you still have "family time."

 

[npmommie]

We're on separate shifts, so if I felt it was necessary to have some "us" time, I'd take it.

This is us too.
I work 2 evenings a week, hubby works 5 days a week, factor in the nights my dd is at gymnastics team practice, and then factoring in all the house stuff going on, so I grabbed the opportunity for all of us. the kids wanted daddy time too

The more details I hear about this, the more I'm swinging toward inconsiderate (I previously posted "somewhat inconsiderate.") My reasons are:

1) I originally thought that the husband had been unavailable to the family for a while (extended business trip, working 80 hour weeks, etc) and this was a last-minute opportunity to seize some family time, so she took it. But her DH had been available to the family but the family had prioritized a household project above spending time together as a family. (My DH is working on finishing our basement and is spending nearly all of his free time down there. I know how it is, but... )

2) The OP knew that her DH would be available on Monday night, but didn't immediately decide to take the opportunity to spend time together. It was only when they saw the beautiful weather that she decided to cancel her previous plans. If they were that starved for family time, I think they would have done something together regardless of the weather. This is definitely sounding more in the "better offer" category, rather than an "unexpected opportunity that I just couldn't pass up."

3) In my opinion, canceling the morning of an event is "short notice" and should be avoided. Sometimes it's unavoidable (emergencies, etc), but in this case I think it was avoidable and was inconsiderate to the host who was planning on your attendance.

I don't think it's worth ruining a friendship over, and I wouldn't be "furious." I am glad that the OP's friend has calmed down. But since the OP asked if we thought she was inconsiderate, and I think she was. I am not sure that I wouldn't have done the same thing, but I would recognize that I was inconsiderate to my friend and wouldn't be surprised if she was upset.

I get frustrated by people who say things like "my family comes first" or "my marriage is my priority" as a way to justify their rude behavior. My family/marriage is very high on my priority list, too, but to me that would mean either declining the plans with the homeschool group in the first place (or at least calling *as soon as* I knew I had an opportunity to spend time with my husband, regardless of weather), adjusting the schedule of the home project to allow for "family time", or working together on the project so you still have "family time."

working on ANY project around here with dh is NOT family time. hehe.

 

[mhsjax]

I agree with this.

Isn't this what we hammer our kids with? You can't change plans just because the next one is better? Once you say yes to one boy you can't cancel the date because the cute boy finally gets around to asking you.

I think it was inconsiderate if your DH lives at home and not stationed with the military or work hours away. Not even that understandable to me unless he had been away away for months.

couldn't you have gone for just lunch and not stayed?

My DH has way more priority than that. Also where I come from eating and leaving is EXTREMELY rude. I mean really, Sorry I can't stay, I want to spend time as a family , but I will come and eat the food that YOU made and then I will leave.

 

[tlbwriter]

1) I originally thought that the husband had been unavailable to the family for a while (extended business trip, working 80 hour weeks, etc) and this was a last-minute opportunity to seize some family time, so she took it. But her DH had been available to the family but the family had prioritized a household project above spending time together as a family. (My DH is working on finishing our basement and is spending nearly all of his free time down there. I know how it is, but... )

2) The OP knew that her DH would be available on Monday night, but didn't immediately decide to take the opportunity to spend time together. It was only when they saw the beautiful weather that she decided to cancel her previous plans. If they were that starved for family time, I think they would have done something together regardless of the weather. This is definitely sounding more in the "better offer" category, rather than an "unexpected opportunity that I just couldn't pass up."

3) In my opinion, canceling the morning of an event is "short notice" and should be avoided. Sometimes it's unavoidable (emergencies, etc), but in this case I think it was avoidable and was inconsiderate to the host who was planning on your attendance.

I don't think it's worth ruining a friendship over, and I wouldn't be "furious." I am glad that the OP's friend has calmed down. But since the OP asked if we thought she was inconsiderate, and I think she was. I am not sure that I wouldn't have done the same thing, but I would recognize that I was inconsiderate to my friend and wouldn't be surprised if she was upset.

I get frustrated by people who say things like "my family comes first" or "my marriage is my priority" as a way to justify their rude behavior. My family/marriage is very high on my priority list, too, but to me that would mean either declining the plans with the homeschool group in the first place (or at least calling *as soon as* I knew I had an opportunity to spend time with my husband, regardless of weather), adjusting the schedule of the home project to allow for "family time", or working together on the project so you still have "family time."

Yep, all of the above, especially the bolded. This was not a "once in a blue moon" opportunity that would justify changing existing plans at the last minute. It was a "something better came up" excuse.

 

[mhsjax]

This is us too.
I work 2 evenings a week, hubby works 5 days a week, factor in the nights my dd is at gymnastics team practice, and then factoring in all the house stuff going on, so I grabbed the opportunity for all of us. the kids wanted daddy time too



working on ANY project around here with dh is NOT family time. hehe.

A-men. Don't even come with in 50 feet of DH when he is working on something. He is the most mellow person in the world but hates projects. If it is something that has to be done he is just not happy.

I also understand that this is a home school group, you get together all the time. I think no big deal at all. I also don't think that "family" constitutes a better offer. I tis family and that does come first.

We rsvp'd to a Halloween party this Sat. Kids are invited but they havne't seen these other kids in probably over a year. Well DD best friend just called last night with a B-day invite for the same day. Guess what, she is going to her BFF party. All of her friends will be there. So that means that I won't be at Halloween party either, I have to be home for DD. Not one bit of guilt here. Oh, and I was bringing food. And I still have to call and let them know I won't be there.

I also understand about activities. You just can't get any time together as a family. WE go for at least 4-5 days a week when we are all coming and going. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEEL BAD ABOUT. period.