Wanting More Children.......

[Tiffann4k]

Have you ever had the feeling that you wanted more children but couldnt explain why??

The reason I ask this is because after my son was born I had a tubal ligation, the very next day I deeply regretted the decision. Everyone thought it was best for us since we were 22 & 23 years old with 4 kids under the age of 3. Ever since that day I have always had a longing for more children even though some days I am on the verge of a mental breakdown ( only kidding, but it is stressful somedays)

For the past 5 years DH & I have been discussing having a tubal reversal ....but the only reason DH wants to have it done is because I am having a lot of medical problems that I associate with having the tubal ligation but he doesnt want to have more kids , he thinks I have enough to handle as is and doesnt want to add more for me. But the thing is I WANT MORE KIDS! When he asks me why, I dont really have an answer ( other than the I love kids, I want more etc) I tell him he doesnt really understand why or how I feel the way I do about wanting more. Yes I do have my hands full now with the 4 kids but I still want more............am I the only one that has ever felt this way ???

 

[robinb]

Well ... no I have not. But that's me. One child is perfect.

I think there are a couple of things going on to make you yearn for more kids.

First, you sincerely regret the tubal ligation. I'm not sure exactly why you chose to go for such a permanent solution, but that was your choice at the time. Yes, reversals are possible but more likely than not your fertility won't return. Giving up ones fertility is a very hard thing to do, at 22 or at twice that age (I am 44) when menopause starts to kick in. You now want what you can probably never have and it hurts.

Secondly, you spent your entire adult life pregnant or caring for a very young child. Now that your youngest is 5, that part of your life is over. It's not surprising that you miss it and want that life back ... complete with diapers and spit-up.

Enough psycho-babble! You and your husband are in a partnership. The decision to have more children should be a joint one. He gets a say too. I really do feel for you. It sucks to really, really, really want something you can't have.

ETA: If you feel like the tubal is causing some problems and get it reversed on that account, maybe your DH will get a vasectomy to control his fertility. Getting a reversal doesn't mean that you'll have more kids.

 

[poohandwendy]

Actually, I cannot think of any reason that medical problems associated with have a tubal ligation would be solved by a reversal. The only reverse effect of having a reversal would be possible pregnancy...it wouldn't solve medical problems from the initial surgery. If anything, surgery to correct problems stemming from the initial tubal are likely to result in even more permanent infertility (like removing the tubes and ovaries altogether). I cannot think of any medical situation where a doctor is going to say, "This will be solved by reparing the tubes" (other than a desire for pregnancy)

I am curious as to what medical problems you are associating with your tubal? The only thing I can think of would be infection, but that would have happened a long time ago.

If you both really want more children, why not adopt? I am a firm believer that both parents should be in total agreement when it comes to more kids, so I think that if you cannot talk him into it...I wouldn't do it. A tubal reversal is a very expensive (insurance companies don't pay for it...at least I have never heard of one that will) and complicated surgery with a success rate that may not result in pregnancy for you. That is something you really have to take into consideration.

Good luck to you, I hope you can figure out what you both really want to do.

 

[Jennifer S]

Sorry I love kids but two is plenty. Maybe you are just feeling sad because your babies are growing up and don't need you as much. Try a hobby or something first. If your DH doesn't want more then really there's not much you can do.

 

[cabmom]

I understand how you feel. I about to deliver baby #4 at the age of 37 and I'm hesitant to make anything permanent. We will discuss after this one. Although, from the get go we said we would have 4 kids. The older boys are 9, 7 and 5. We waited as I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown after baby #3.

Good luck with your decision!

M.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Could it be because you are reaching that magical age of 30??? I know when I hit my milestones it is like I have this thing in my head where I need to get things accomplished.

Perhaps you can examine what your goals are (besides a child) and go for that. While it won't replace having more children it will fulfill some goals you have.
As you already stated your dh is done. Not fair to him to go on about it.

 

[kristasmom]

Yes, I absolutely want more kids. I have a very small family - mom is an only, I'm an only, and my daughter is an only (swore I would never have only one). I am 35 and single with no good prospects on the horizon and I've done the single mother thing already (no sign of DD's father in over 6 years). Guess I'll just have to keep praying and see what happens. Adoption might be an answer to some that feel they are past having babies but want more children. Someone close to me adopted through the county and the cost was very low ($500.00). There are tons of children out there waiting for a family (especially those that are a little older 5+).

 

[ducklite]

I agree with the others, adoption or even becoming a foster parent might be the way to go. You've got four kids, there are so many who don't have homes or parents, why not give them your love rather than bringing more kids into this world?

Anne

 

[mickeyboat]

I am not much help on this issue. I am 95% certain our family is complete with two, but there is a part of me that sometimes, really wants another. One of my big concerns is how my youngest will handle it - she gets insanely jealous when I pay attention to other children.

Denae

 

[chris1gill]

I'm going to approach it from another direction... Think about the day you have to pay tuition times FOUR..... it's very painful LOL... We have two & believe me, the tuition is killing us! I would have loved to have had more children, but it wasn't in the cards for us unfortunately.... Now I'm glad we only had the two, but there are still times I long for another little one.... But, as others have said we long what we can't have sometimes... Good luck

 

[mrsltg]

Yes, I feel like I want another baby. The thing I can't get passed is this - if I have another one I will never ever regret it. If I don't, 20 years down the road I may regret it. I feel like someone is missing from our family and we are not yet complete. For many people 2 children is the magic number, not me. While money is important it's not the end all be all in matters like this. It's only money and I'll make more tomorrow.

In all honesty this is something you need to discuss with your dh. Your family dynamic is not understandable to strangers. This is a major matter and serious discussion. Good luck with your decision.

Erin

 

[scanne]

I have two kids and I do want another as well. However, my DH is not 100% on having a third and I respect his wishes. I have an IUD in place right now, so we are protected. But I do bring the subject up occasionally and we talk about the pros and cons, as well as the really long list as to why I shouldn't have another baby.

I would love to adopt, but DH isn't convinced on that point either. He's worried more about the financial strains and other personal factors I won't go into here.

So my point is that "wanting" something like another child is a MAJOR want and you have to step back and put everything into perspective. Think about the REAL reasons WHY you want another and the ramifications it would have on your family dynamics - both good and bad.

I hope you are able to accept any decision you and your DH make together. Lots of luck to you.

 

[4greatboys]

Yes, I feel like I want another baby. The thing I can't get passed is this - if I have another one I will never ever regret it. If I don't, 20 years down the road I may regret it. I feel like someone is missing from our family and we are not yet complete. For many people 2 children is the magic number, not me. While money is important it's not the end all be all in matters like this. It's only money and I'll make more tomorrow.

In all honesty this is something you need to discuss with your dh. Your family dynamic is not understandable to strangers. This is a major matter and serious discussion. Good luck with your decision.

Erin

ITA

 

[Snoopymom]

Giving up ones fertility is a very hard thing to do, at 22 or at twice that age (I am 44) when menopause starts to kick in. You now want what you can probably never have and it hurts.

As someone who is infertile (boy that's hard even just to type) I completely agree with this. I know before we adopted, sometimes the "wanting what we couldn't have clouded the "what", if that makes sense....I mean, when you go in for infertility treatments (or a reversal) you really have to be 100% sure of your reasons for wanting a child. Also when you adopt, it's not like oops, happy it happened, 9 months to get used to the idea, LOL.

We've been discussing adopting again, so I've been doing a lot of soul searching...I got my wish, DS is everything I could have hoped for, so WHY do I want another one.....maybe there is no exact answer.

Hugs & Good luck!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I understand how you feel. I about to deliver baby #4 at the age of 37 and I'm hesitant to make anything permanent. We will discuss after this one. Although, from the get go we said we would have 4 kids. The older boys are 9, 7 and 5. We waited as I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown after baby #3.

Good luck with your decision!

M.

I was 39 when I had my 4th child. When I had my 3rd I was so sure that we were done that I joked that it was obvious that I was done based on their initials--A, B, and then Z. That first year with #3 was rough with the baby having reflux and asthma, but once he turned a year or so old he became such a joy that we decided on one more. The 4th was so easy as a baby that we almost had another baby, but the funny thing is that he ended up being my hardest child once he turned a year old. I was so glad we didn't have that 5th.

I'm the type of person that always could have had one more, but I had to draw the line somewhere. I love babies and children and will now have to wait for grandchildren.

Tiffann4k, maybe you're done having children and maybe not, but I agree it's something that you and your husband have to agree on. You're young enough that you can wait a few years and then decide on more, but I don't know if it's easier to reverse the ligation now or later or if it's even possible.

 

[DisneyPhD]

I can see what you are talking about, even though you are younger then me and have moe kids then I do.

I have 2 now, I love that. I think we might be done with 2, but maybe not. I know we have our hands full now, but I could see me having another baby down the line when they ones I have now are no longer babies at all. I have 3 older brothers, my mom was 41 when I was born.)

However I am not set on this. We will have to wait and see what God has to say about it. By time I might get around to wanting a 3rd child I will be close to the age my mother was when she had me. It just might not happen.

DH is ready to stop now. He is willing to enteratin the idea down the line, depnending on how life is going and how we both feel about it then.

I am however willing to give maternity cothes and baby things away to friends, but not sell or donate them yet.

Every family is different, different sizes work for differnt people. There is not perefect family number. Infact the 2 kids senro actaully bothers me a little, one of the reasons I am considering more. While I only wanted one baby at a time (there is 3 1/2 years between my kids) I do think there is a lot of benifits to siblings. I did worry about how I was going to love a second as much as a 1st, when the time came it wasn't a problem.

There is an article about with you 1s, 2nd and more kids. I can't remember just how it went but something like this.

The 1st you wonder how you could ever love someone so much
your 2nd you are scared that you could love it as much as your 1st
your 3rd (Or more) You are scared you could love much more!

I think that might be it. You already know that you can share your love with more then one child and only have it multipy. Why not another?

 

[luv2nascar]

We are blessed to have two daughters. We lost a baby in between our to girls. The girls are currently 10 & 2 (the baby we lost would be 5). Our oldest is a drama queen. I had csections with both girls. We decided because of the time it takes us to get pregnant, my advancing age, and health issues related to pregnancies two would be plenty for us. I had my tubes tied with the csection. My husband and I decided on this prior to surgery. Actually I posed it to him and he agreed. I'm 37 now and don't regret the decision at all. I had gestational diabetes with last pregnancy and don't want to risk my health any further. We feel blessed to have our two beautiful girls. Our youngest is a dream, such an easy baby/child. If any child would make me want another it would be her... more kids would have been great but financially we are set at 4 people. I don't regret our decision at all. I really thought it out before taking a permanent step. Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[Tiffann4k]

Okay, lets see if I can answer everyones questions..lol

To all those who mentioned adoption, that is something we would have to look into a bit further, I have always loved the idea of adopting

Robinb, We chose such a permanent solution because like I stated I was 22 with 4 kids under the age of three, at that time I did not want more children.
You are right getting a reversal doesnt mean we will have more kids, my tubes could be severly damaged for all I know
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Poohandwendy,
There are many problems that can be seen as stemming from a tubal ligation, its still all very debatable though because some could also stem from other problems ( diabetes, depression, etc) but a lot of the problems that are making me miserable are associated with different female problems that I did not experience until after my tubal ligation. I know this site is very anti tubal ligations but it does have a lot of info as to the problems that can arise after a tubal http://www.tubalinfo.org/reasons.htm ( I hope this does not open a can of worms.... I cant say I totally agree with everything on this site but then on the other hand I cant say that I disagree with everything.
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Jennifer_s,
I dont think its because my kids have grown up because I have had these feelings since my son was born. As far as a hobby, I honestly dont have the time with being a full time mommy, homeschooling them and also raising rabbits
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The Mystery Machine,
Very good point, I hate to keep nagging him about it but its just one of those feelings that wont go away even after 5 years
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Chris1gill,
Very good point as well Sometimes I tend to not look farther down the road and getting opinons from others helps tons!
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mrsltg,

I feel like someone is missing from our family and we are not yet complete. For many people 2 children is the magic number, not me. While money is important it's not the end all be all in matters like this. It's only money and I'll make more tomorrow.

Finally someone put into words the same feelings I have been having...there have been many times where I count out place settings or even look for child #5 ....My parents have even done this with my children ..its odd...lol
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To everyone else , thank you so much for your opinions, wether they were positive or negative they all help me tremendously!

 

[Chicago526]

I dont think its because my kids have grown up because I have had these feelings since my son was born. As far as a hobby, I honestly dont have the time with being a full time mommy, homeschooling them and also raising rabbits

Maybe it's being around all those baby bunnies!

No advice, DH and I haven't even started our family yet. But I do wish you luck, whatever you decide. And I hope you feel better, too!

 

[chrissyk]

I'm going to approach it from another direction... Think about the day you have to pay tuition times FOUR..... it's very painful LOL...

My thoughts exactly. Tuition is crazy-expensive. The other 4 kids are very close in age, so hopefully that will mean good financial aid for them (since they will be in college at the same time). This one would be way spaced out from the last one, so you'd just get done with putting 4 through school and you'd be hit with 1 that probably wouldn't get very good aid (as the only one in school at the time). Yikes