Very OT: Bad situation

[lovinpoohbear]

I went to www.criminalsearches.com for a friend of mine (has a family member that has been in trouble with the law and she wanted to know what his offenses are)
So I go on and he is showing up as 0 convictions. But she is sure that he has been in jail etc so I just randomly start putting in random family and friends names (because I was starting to think that the site was BS)
Anyway, when I put my new SIL's name it came up with a larceny conviction. We are close and she is the last person I would think would have trouble with the law.
But theres more: When she first started dating BIL, my MIL's paycheck (she had cashed it and put it in a envelope) and had it in her pocketbook, was stolen. From her house. Now, she at the time MIL thought that this new girl was too blame, because she was sure she had it in her pocketbook and after girl left, the money was missing. Well, me and DH thought she had misplaced it or it fell out in the parking lot of the bank, etc. Because this girl is so sweet, you would never think of her doing something like that.
This was about two years back and the same year, my other SIL had a birthday party for her DS6 and his nintendo ds was missing (was a gift from the grandparents) and just disappeared from her house that night at the birthday party. It was a really weird thing and poor SIL was beside herself trying to find the Nintendo even going through trash to see if had gotten mixed up with the wrapping paper)
So now these two incidences, have left me thinking it was her.
This Larceny conviction has a date that was just about the time she had met my BIL. I feel so sick to my stomach, this is someone who comes over and vistits often, she brings my kids to school when I am called in to work at the spur of the moment. I haven't told DH or anyone about this(yet).
I just don;t know what to do, confront her, leave it be, warn my other family about it ???

 

[SarahKate]

I don't have specific advice, but I am always of the notion that if you need to bring up something, it needs to be behind closed doors w/ the person in question......don't recommend talking to family members first. They may mean well, but it could spread like wildfire before you know it.

 

[badblackpug]

Leave it alone. Even if it is true, people make mistakes. It is not like she committed a violent crime or is a pedophile. You like her? You guys are close? What difference does it make? People shouldn't be judged on their past.

 

[Belle1962]

I'm not sure I would trust that website. I just entered the name of a person who is currently on probation for a felony, has a previous conviction on stalking and a hit and run conviction----they didn't show up no matter what I did.

Your best bet would be to go the county courthouse and actually see the records for yourself. There could have been extenuating circumstances or it could not be what it seems from the website. The court documents are public records----you just have to go in and ask for them.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

Leave it alone. Even if it is true, people make mistakes. It is not like she committed a violent crime or is a pedophile. You like her? You guys are close? What difference does it make? People shouldn't be judged on their past.

Why not?

FWIW, I would talk to the SIL privately, let her know that I know about her, and let her know that I expect her behavior from this point on to be exemplary. I would not accuse her of stealing the missing items. I would, however, let her know that if anything untoward happens within the family, that I would absolutely speak up and point the finger at her.

Then I would do the two finger thingie where I point at my eyes, then point at her eyes. Seriously, though, I would have the conversation part.

 

[Belle4mygrl]

I went to the site and searched for 4 people who I KNEW had a criminal background and served time prison time. Four out of four times their names did not appear. The site is not accurate. So I would definitely do some investigating. Are you sure the bdays and addresses match up? I agree with PP ask in private.

 

[badblackpug]

Why not?

FWIW, I would talk to the SIL privately, let her know that I know about her, and let her know that I expect her behavior from this point on to be exemplary. I would not accuse her of stealing the missing items. I would, however, let her know that if anything untoward happens within the family, that I would absolutely speak up and point the finger at her.

Then I would do the two finger thingie where I point at my eyes, then point at her eyes. Seriously, though, I would have the conversation part.

Serously? According to this website that may or may not be accurate, she stole something. No-one knows the circumstances surrounding this. Again, it is not as if she is a violent criminal or a pedophile. I am about 95% certain that telling her "I am watching you" will ruin any relationship between her the OP and the OP's brother, and if she runs to the rest of the family, it will ruin their relationship, too. Even just "the conversation" is risky. It will make her feel awkward and spied upon. Judge her on her behavior now.

Seriously, let it go.

 

[lovinpoohbear]

yes, the birthday and address are hers.
I feel awful about this, I would normally think let the past be the past with with family missing $$ and the nintendo; it just makes me wonder if she stole. I haven't told dh,he will want to tell his brother and than it will end up in hurt feelings.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

Serously? According to this website that may or may not be accurate, she stole something. No-one knows the circumstances surrounding this. Again, it is not as if she is a violent criminal or a pedophile. I am about 95% certain that telling her "I am watching you" will ruin any relationship between her the OP and the OP's brother, and if she runs to the rest of the family, it will ruin their relationship, too. Even just "the conversation" is risky. It will make her feel awkward and spied upon. Judge her on her behavior now.

Seriously, let it go.

The relationship is already compromised.

If you have a conversation with her, you may learn the circumstances of the incident which may make you feel more secure having her in your family, and you can put it to rest.

On the other hand, if she denies it or behaves in a less than forthright manner, you have the option of going further and confirming her history through other means, confronting her with irrefutable proof, and asking her to account for her behavior.

I suspect she'll come clean with you when you first speak with her about it.

If she denies it and she turns out to be guilty as charged, you may have a bigger problem on your hands.

Family comes first, and just because she married into your family doesn't mean she's earned her place in your hearts and your trust.

 

[Disney1976]

Leave it alone. Even if it is true, people make mistakes. It is not like she committed a violent crime or is a pedophile. You like her? You guys are close? What difference does it make? People shouldn't be judged on their past.

I concur. Even if you verified it with court documents of the conviction, then what? You don't know the specifics of the crime, or the conviction, and people do make mistakes. I used to do criminal defense, and trust me when I tell you that a) it's easy for anyone, including innocent people to end up in the system -even if they are not convicted, they have to go through the process of sealing/expunging their record which would otherwise show up as an "arrest" b) people do stupid things they later regret, and never do again.

Right now, all you have is your suspicion that SIL MIGHT have taken the money, and MIGHT have taken the Nintendo DS, but that's highly circumstantial at best. You have nothing concrete to prove this person did anything wrong, and you risk ruining a good relationship and upsetting family members. Until and unless you see something happen with your own eyes, I suggest you let it go.

 

[eliza61]

Ok you are on a slippery slope here which could end up with every one hating YOU

Is she still dating BIL? What happens when you so graciously "warn" every one? Will they start hating her and treating her differently (I would say the 2nd part is a definitel) How do you think BIL is going to feel if he really likes this women?
Now of course every time some thing is missing you're going to accuse her.

Do you know the situation around the conviction?
This is going to blow up in your face, I would leave it alone. Unless you actually catch her stealing some thing all you are doing is spreading innuendoes.

 

[lovinpoohbear]

I have decided not to say anything. I must say that I feel uncomfortable about all of this. I have such a heavy feeling in my chest.
I went to the Connecticut Court System, you can enter a defendants last name and pull up thier court documents. I am afraid that she has more court cases than just the one, in fact, her parents have felonies.(I was not aware of this)
I am shocked at all of this and I must say that my BIL must know about everything anyway since they date most recently the year 2007 and go back to 2002.
Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

I have decided not to say anything. I must say that I feel uncomfortable about all of this. I have such a heavy feeling in my chest.
I went to the Connecticut Court System, you can enter a defendants last name and pull up thier court documents. I am afraid that she has more court cases than just the one, in fact, her parents have felonies.(I was not aware of this)
I am shocked at all of this and I must say that my BIL must know about everything anyway since they date most recently the year 2007 and go back to 2002.
Thanks for letting me vent.

Wow, I'm sorry you have this to carry around with you now. However, at least you have information that will help you to make decisions in the future...

 

[K and K's Mommy]

While I agree that you shouldn't say anything to her or your in-laws, I would have to tell my DH. We just don't keep anything from each other, and I can't imagine carrying that around!

Sorry for your situation!

 

[Paull117]

I am not sure if I would trust it either. I have friend from high school that was charged with 2nd degree manslaughter and it doesn't even show that. Try your circuit court for work we use the Wisconsin system http://wcca.wicourts.gov/index.xsl;jsessionid=3B75F2ADCA0D52C6D00980820C42FCB1.render2

Paul

 

[denegate]

I think your brother-in-law should be clued in. If she is hiding this from him, who knows what else she may be hiding. If it was me, I would want to know if my husband/wife had a criminal conviction that's for sure. Maybe he already knows about it - let your husband ask him. I would also be leary about leaving my children in her care until you have more information. No sense in taking chances when it comes to your children.

 

[lirija]

This might not be a popular solution, but have you thought about sending an anonymous letter to MIL or BIL, and just wait to see the reaction? If there have been no recent "incidents" then you could let it go, but if anything else goes "missing" you would feel even worse knowing you held onto information...

 

[tlbwriter]

Leave it alone. Even if it is true, people make mistakes. It is not like she committed a violent crime or is a pedophile. You like her? You guys are close? What difference does it make? People shouldn't be judged on their past.

So she's just stealing from her nephew and her MIL. No biggie. She shouldn't be judged on that. Huh???

 

[Disney1976]

So she's just stealing from her nephew and her MIL. No biggie. She shouldn't be judged on that. Huh???

There isn't conclusive evidence that she's stealing from MIL and the nephew. True, items disappeared, but chances are, if this person's criminal past hadn't become known to the OP, she never would have thought to accuse her. Now that she suspects that SIL has a larceny conviction, it is tempting to "point the finger" at this person, but you simply can't based on suspicion! Innocent until proven guilty and all that. Maybe the money was lost. Maybe the Nintendo DS did get thrown out. Maybe someone else took them. Who knows? Baseless suspicion wouldn't exactly hold up in a court of law. A first year law student would be able to win that case!

Even if SIL has a larceny conviction, so what? No one here knows the facts and circumstances about it. It could have been a stupid mistake. If she completed her sentence and paid her debt to society, that should be the end of it unless and until it is shown she has committed another crime. This is the 21st century, and we don't make people wear the "Scarlet letter" anymore.

 

[lovinpoohbear]

This might not be a popular solution, but have you thought about sending an anonymous letter to MIL or BIL, and just wait to see the reaction? If there have been no recent "incidents" then you could let it go, but if anything else goes "missing" you would feel even worse knowing you held onto information...

DH and I are still mulling over what to do. We don't want to "point the finger" so to speak because we have no proof that she actually stole the items.
She has multiple larceny offenses on the local state court system ....
We feel so uneasy about all of this, Just when you think you "really" know someone!
That is a good suggestion about the anonymous letter thing, maybe I could print out the docket case thingee from the site and mail it to BIL.
My DH doesn't want to say anything directly to BIL because it end up getting nasty.