Very disturbing email from a professor to my DS in college

[ogreenlee]

That's. just. messed. up.

Man.. if my statement is what you find "messed.up" in this thread, then I guess I should quit drinkin'.



Speakin' of drinkin'.. its something I never do at home, but decided to today b/c I'm sans kid and husband until tomorrow, but I drink at Ocean Annie's at Myrtle Beach every year. Our condo is right beside Sands Ocean Club.

 

[NMAmy]

Thank you for clearing everything up so concisely, legalsea!

 

[Huggles]

In the Disney tradition I have not read the thread, except for bits and pieces, so I feel fully qualified to render an opinion:

1. It was wrong for the daughter to write the email and imply that the distinquished son wrote it.

2. It was wrong for the choir to go on tour when they all had mono.

3. It was wrong for the university to be in Michigan (I am a bit confused about why I think that, but it will come to me later).

4. It was wrong for the professor of Choirology to imply that all the people on this thread are gay, whether or not they are distinguished.

5. Finally, I fail to see what this has to do with the H1N1, but I agree that the vaccine is probably being rushed and all should get it as quickly as possible.

There, I have cleared everything up!

You get my vote!

 

[OceanAnnie]

It does sound like a response to something. It seems odd to start an email with "you're so cute." It almost seemed to me to be the response to something witty or a joke. Although don't know how the brother got it instead. Just very strange.

Not to me. It read, "You're just so cute. Sorry I just had to say that and sorry you missed the tour.".

He made a statement, "because he just had to say it", and apologized for it. The statement in and of itself is strange to say to a student.

 

[luvmy3]

If the email had been sent to the correct son, chances are the parent would never have known about it (unless his mother reads his personal emails) and the son would have dealt with the situation himself, or asked his mother to step in.

Didn't the OP say that the ds who was the intended recipient say it was creepy?

 

[terri01p]

In the Disney tradition I have not read the thread, except for bits and pieces, so I feel fully qualified to render an opinion:

1. It was wrong for the daughter to write the email and imply that the distinquished son wrote it.

2. It was wrong for the choir to go on tour when they all had mono.

3. It was wrong for the university to be in Michigan (I am a bit confused about why I think that, but it will come to me later).

4. It was wrong for the professor of Choirology to imply that all the people on this thread are gay, whether or not they are distinguished.

5. Finally, I fail to see what this has to do with the H1N1, but I agree that the vaccine is probably being rushed and all should get it as quickly as possible.

There, I have cleared everything up!

Well thank goodness we are at the bottom of this thing before it gets locked up...hehehe thanks for clearing this whole mess up !

 

[coolshannie]

Both of my parents work in education; and if I would have received that same email they would have been floored. I don't care who you are if you a respected figure who is teaching in the classroom what was said was completely inappropriate. I would only hope that my parents would act in the same way you did OP. If they did not act in such a way I would have been worried. At 18 and in college we may be 'adults' but that does not mean that we are ready to take on the world in one day or take on situations that are completely inappropriate.

 

[Kath2003]

Didn't the OP say that the ds who was the intended recipient say it was creepy?

Yes, but he only found out about it after his brother opened it, read it, showed it to his mother who read it and then showed it to the younger son (not sure whether this was before or after she contacted the dean). Even if the intended son did find it creepy, who knows how he may have dealt with the situation (or indeed what the context of the email was - which neither the elder brother nor the mother could have known)?

I'm just saying that they're wading into a personal email without knowing the back story nor how the son would have dealt with the situation himself. He may well have asked his mother to step in, but he may have dealt with the situation himself (or asked another adult for assistance).

 

[NMAmy]

Didn't the OP say that the ds who was the intended recipient say it was creepy?

According to this post, the son for whom it was not intended was very creeped out. Son for whom it was intended said it made him feel awkward (after the OP had already called the chair and the dean).

Well, the email was actually sent to DS18's brother who is a senior, They both have the same first initial and there emails are almost identical. DS21 was very creeped out by it and called me. DS18 was in class all day and could not be reached. DS18 said it makes him feel awkward.

 

[MiniGirl]

My DS18 who is a college freshman recieved the following email from a 58 year old very distinguished male professor at his school. A little history to help you all understand the content. DS has been ill with mono. He is a member of the University choir and the choir recently went on tour. My son was unable to attend the tour due to his illness. Yesterday he recieved the following email

DD18-

You are just so cute Sorry I just had to say that and sorry you missed the tour.

I immediatley called the dean as well as the department head. I thought this was very inappropriate!

Well, the email was actually sent to DS18's brother who is a senior, They both have the same first initial and there emails are almost identical. DS21 was very creeped out by it and called me. DS18 was in class all day and could not be reached. DS18 said it makes him feel awkward.

I have not read all the replies. I just skimmed. Am I understanding this correctly though? Your DS21 received this e-mail and sent it to you. Your younger DS18 was the intended recipient. Instead of waiting to see what your DS18 thought about it or seeing how he wanted to handle it or even contacting the professor to see what he meant by it, you called the professor's boss AND the boss' boss. Hmmm... I don't think I would've handled it that way.

Was it inappropriate? Assuming he meant what you think he meant, of course, it was inapporpriate. It is never appropriate for a professor to hit on one of his students.

When I was 18, one of my professors did hit on me. My mom asked me how I wanted to handle it and then supported me in that decision. I have no doubt that she would've stepped in if I wanted her to or felt it necessary. I found out later she wanted to do a lot more than just support me. She was angry and wanted him to lose his job, etc, but more than that she wanted me to gain the confidence that came with handling it myself.

Good luck, OP. I hope this turns out how you want it to.

 

[EMom]

In the Disney tradition I have not read the thread, except for bits and pieces, so I feel fully qualified to render an opinion:

1. It was wrong for the daughter to write the email and imply that the distinquished son wrote it.

2. It was wrong for the choir to go on tour when they all had mono.

3. It was wrong for the university to be in Michigan (I am a bit confused about why I think that, but it will come to me later).

4. It was wrong for the professor of Choirology to imply that all the people on this thread are gay, whether or not they are distinguished.

5. Finally, I fail to see what this has to do with the H1N1, but I agree that the vaccine is probably being rushed and all should get it as quickly as possible.

There, I have cleared everything up!

As usual, you fail to grasp the bigger point. The closeted lesbian mother should never have sent her son to the same university where his sperm donor semi-distinguished choir teaching birth homosexual birth father teaches in the first place. They were bound to run in to each other and feel some sort of primal attraction. Anyone who watches soap operas and counts themselves a true DISer would KNOW that. The older brother ratted the younger one out because, as the illegitimate son of the Dean, he was forced into a life of academics and was denied his dream of becoming a Heisman Trophy winner.

In truth, the professor never sent the email. The older brother invented it, computer genius that he is, and has also created an NFL contract that is somehow legally binding, despite the fact that he has never played football. This is all a ruse to keep attention off the older brother until he is suited up for the big game next weekend and it's too late for Mom and the Dean to stop his evil plan.

He will unleash a massive cloud of H1N1 virus over the crowd at the game, resulting in chaos, remaining calm himslef since he was vaccinated with one of the first available doses bought on the black market.

And you call yourself a DISer.

 

[greenpea89]

I, personally, do not find the email "very disturbing" nor have I seen anyone attacking the OP - simply disagreeing with her. I'm not trying to be PC it's simply my honest viewpoint. I do feel strongly that the OP overreacted. I also wonder how the OP's son is handling this situation and the ramifications of the OP's actions.

My two older children are close in age to OP's and I have to question why either son would contact the OP about the email for any reason other than to laugh about it (see, definitely NOT PC around here). Even if my son chose not to share it with me I would have heard about it because all of my kids would have been cracking up about it and teasing their brother. I can just hear them saying "Oh, you don't need to put the dishes in the sink - you are just too cute" or "Can I get that for you - you are just too cute" or he would have said "Can you bring me an ice water - I'm just so cute". This is pretty much the standard teen/young adult response to these types of situations from what I've seen both in our family and amongst my kid's friends. I guess I am questioning why the immediate reaction would be one of apparent horror and taking the email so seriously and why the oldest son, at 21, would forward the email to the OP. This is what I find unusual about the situation not the email per se.

OP, it is SO hard to let our children grow up, believe me I know, but your son is in college now and he needs to learn to handle these situations himself. If he chooses to seek your advice then you are there to help him and guide him. If not, then he felt he could handle it himself. It may have been more appropriate to tell your older son to forward the email to your younger son and then wait to see if your son came to you to talk about it. Frankly, I am stunned that the school would even talk to you about this situation let alone reprimand a teacher without speaking to your son and that you would take these steps without speaking to him either.

 

[luvmy3]

Yes, but he only found out about it after his brother opened it, read it, showed it to his mother who read it and then showed it to the younger son (not sure whether this was before or after she contacted the dean). Even if the intended son did find it creepy, who knows how he may have dealt with the situation (or indeed what the context of the email was - which neither the elder brother nor the mother could have known)?

I'm just saying that they're wading into a personal email without knowing the back story nor how the son would have dealt with the situation himself. He may well have asked his mother to step in, but he may have dealt with the situation himself (or asked another adult for assistance).

To me, that email is totally inapprpriate no matter what happened to cause the professor to send it. If my child recieved something like that from one of theirs, you bet I would be contacting an authority at the school about it. However I would grill my child first to get to the bottom of it and make darn sure that there wasn't something going on that I was not aware of, but I would still contact whoever I had to about it. I have no idea what the OP did as far as discussing oit with her ds but it sounds like that email was unprovoked and makes her child uncomfortable, enough said for me to agree with her.

 

[terri01p]

As usual, you fail to grasp the bigger point. The closeted lesbian mother should never have sent her son to the same university where his sperm donor semi-distinguished choir teaching birth homosexual birth father teaches in the first place. They were bound to run in to each other and feel some sort of primal attraction. Anyone who watches soap operas and counts themselves a true DISer would KNOW that. The older brother ratted the younger one out because, as the illegitimate son of the Dean, he was forced into a life of academics and was denied his dream of becoming a Heisman Trophy winner.

In truth, the professor never sent the email. The older brother invented it, computer genius that he is, and has also created an NFL contract that is somehow legally binding, despite the fact that he has never played football. This is all a ruse to keep attention off the older brother until he is suited up for the big game next weekend and it's too late for Mom and the Dean to stop his evil plan.

He will unleash a massive cloud of H1N1 virus over the crowd at the game, resulting in chaos, remaining calm himslef since he was vaccinated with one of the first available doses bought on the black market.

And you call yourself a DISer.

You crack me up!!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally the truth comes out !

 

[Mickey's Minion]

The dean met with said Prof and he really had no explanation except he agreed that it was inapropriate.

Email was meant for 18 YO but sent to 21 YO. The Prof is my sons choir teacher. The department head told me the Prof is a homosexual. So, if this was a man seding this to your 18 YO daughter how would you feel?? Would you step away and say she can deal with it alone?

DS18 is feeling very uncomfortable about the whole thing. I also think that sometimes when the parent (person paying the bill) calls they tend to "listen" and take action more. I was not on here to ask if I should handle it or my son. I just wondered if others thought that it was very inapprpriate and could have a deeper meaning.

This just doesn't make any sense. I also have a child in college. There are privacy laws in place in this country. Your son is an adult and by law the school cannot divulge anything to you about his grades, his behavior or even his bill.

Even though I am paying the tuition, my son had to fill out forms giving me permission to see his tuition bill so that I can actually pay it. So, even the Bursar won't talk to parents; they could care less who is actually paying the bill.

And having friends with kids in colleges and universities all over the country, I know this is common place because we joke about it all the time.

So, I highly doubt a Dean would even discuss the e-mail with you without first getting permission from your son to discuss the matter with you. It is the law.

And I highly doubt the Dean discussed his meeting with the Professor with you. Heck, elementary principals won't even tell parents how they deal with other children.

Again, by law the Dean could not have discussed this matter with you at all unless he first called up your son and received permission to speak about it with you. Nor can teachers, professors or anybody else, by law, discuss your adult son's grades, performance, behavior, or anything else with you.

I also highly doubt the Dean continued to break the law by discussing a person's sexuality with the parent of one of the adult students.

Most parents are complaining about the walls schools put up, absolutely necessary with the stringent privacy laws in place, not that the Dean is openly discussing e-mails to students and professor's sexual preferences.

If the Dean did discuss these issues with you without getting permission from your Adult son first, and worse, divulged a Highly Distinguished Professor's sexuality, then the University should seek sanctions/termination on the Dean for violating privacy laws on so many levels. If the Dean really did this, he has left the school in a very vulnerable position.

Your son could sue the school for violating his privacy. Whether he would win or not is another matter, but he could make the Dean's life difficult for awhile.

The Professor could really sue the school for divulging his sexuality.

I am thinking there is a bit of embellishment by the OP to make a knee jerk reaction to an e-mail a bit more palatable on an internet board.

NO they met yesterday. OH maybe you think I just made that up, yea right. Do you really think the school would just sit and wait to talk to him on Monday?????????

Yes. It was a simple e-mail. The professor did not have any inappropriate physical contact, nor did he invite your son to his house or to private lessons. Nowhere did he do anything inappropriate.

The e-mail does warrant further investigation to see if Mommy misinterpreted it and what the true meaning of it was, but in the scope of what a University Dean has to deal with on a daily basis, this would be at the bottom of the list.

Well who's to say that there was not going to be another email?

Who's to say there will be?

From what little you have given us to go on, I believe the e-mail to be harmless. But just for argument's sake, let's do say the professor was testing the waters.

OP, if your son is going to pursue the arts, he is going to be in a profession with some people who might just be gay. Of course, he might run into some people who might be gay in any profession. He is going to be flirted with, by both men and women, especially if he is talented and cute; young girls, young men, old men, and cougers.

He is now a legal adult and is allowed to have adult relationships, whether you approve or not. He needs to learn now how to say no to people he is not interested in. Unless you are involved in working out an arranged marriage, his mommy cannot be involved in his personal relationships.

In the real world, adults flirt with other adults they think attractive. How else do relationships go any further?

IF, and that is a big IF, the e-mail was a flirtatious testing of the waters, your son needs to just calmly tell the professor he is not interested in a private relationship.

It is no different in homosexual or heterosexual relationships. You get hit on by people interested in you. If not interested, you just say NO.

IF the person keeps on hitting on you after you make your wishes known, then and only then, do you have a problem that needs to be taken to the higher ups.

 

[ogreenlee]

As usual, you fail to grasp the bigger point. The closeted lesbian mother should never have sent her son to the same university where his sperm donor semi-distinguished choir teaching birth homosexual birth father teaches in the first place. They were bound to run in to each other and feel some sort of primal attraction. Anyone who watches soap operas and counts themselves a true DISer would KNOW that. The older brother ratted the younger one out because, as the illegitimate son of the Dean, he was forced into a life of academics and was denied his dream of becoming a Heisman Trophy winner.

In truth, the professor never sent the email. The older brother invented it, computer genius that he is, and has also created an NFL contract that is somehow legally binding, despite the fact that he has never played football. This is all a ruse to keep attention off the older brother until he is suited up for the big game next weekend and it's too late for Mom and the Dean to stop his evil plan.

He will unleash a massive cloud of H1N1 virus over the crowd at the game, resulting in chaos, remaining calm himslef since he was vaccinated with one of the first available doses bought on the black market.

And you call yourself a DISer.

I'll drink to that!! (that even looks like the guinness i'm drinking!)

 

[Carly_Roach]

Mickey's Minion, I'd like to buy you a drink.

VERY well put!

 

[legalsea]

As usual, you fail to grasp the bigger point. The closeted lesbian mother should never have sent her son to the same university where his sperm donor semi-distinguished choir teaching birth homosexual birth father teaches in the first place. They were bound to run in to each other and feel some sort of primal attraction. Anyone who watches soap operas and counts themselves a true DISer would KNOW that. The older brother ratted the younger one out because, as the illegitimate son of the Dean, he was forced into a life of academics and was denied his dream of becoming a Heisman Trophy winner.

In truth, the professor never sent the email. The older brother invented it, computer genius that he is, and has also created an NFL contract that is somehow legally binding, despite the fact that he has never played football. This is all a ruse to keep attention off the older brother until he is suited up for the big game next weekend and it's too late for Mom and the Dean to stop his evil plan.

He will unleash a massive cloud of H1N1 virus over the crowd at the game, resulting in chaos, remaining calm himslef since he was vaccinated with one of the first available doses bought on the black market.

And you call yourself a DISer.

While I may well take issue with the "as usual' comment, I will agree that, in this one isolated case, I did miss the bigger point. It seems so obvious now......

 

[greenpea89]

This just doesn't make any sense. I also have a child in college. There are privacy laws in place in this country. Your son is an adult and by law the school cannot divulge anything to you about his grades, his behavior or even his bill.

Even though I am paying the tuition, my son had to fill out forms giving me permission to see his tuition bill so that I can actually pay it. So, even the Bursar won't talk to parents; they could care less who is actually paying the bill.

And having friends with kids in colleges and universities all over the country, I know this is common place because we joke about it all the time.

So, I highly doubt a Dean would even discuss the e-mail with you without first getting permission from your son to discuss the matter with you. It is the law.

And I highly doubt the Dean discussed his meeting with the Professor with you. Heck, elementary principals won't even tell parents how they deal with other children.

Again, by law the Dean could not have discussed this matter with you at all unless he first called up your son and received permission to speak about it with you. Nor can teachers, professors or anybody else, by law, discuss your adult son's grades, performance, behavior, or anything else with you.

I also highly doubt the Dean continued to break the law by discussing a person's sexuality with the parent of one of the adult students.

Most parents are complaining about the walls schools put up, absolutely necessary with the stringent privacy laws in place, not that the Dean is openly discussing e-mails to students and professor's sexual preferences.

If the Dean did discuss these issues with you without getting permission from your Adult son first, and worse, divulged a Highly Distinguished Professor's sexuality, then the University should seek sanctions/termination on the Dean for violating privacy laws on so many levels. If the Dean really did this, he has left the school in a very vulnerable position.

Your son could sue the school for violating his privacy. Whether he would win or not is another matter, but he could make the Dean's life difficult for awhile.

The Professor could really sue the school for divulging his sexuality.

I am thinking there is a bit of embellishment by the OP to make a knee jerk reaction to an e-mail a bit more palatable on an internet board.



Yes. It was a simple e-mail. The professor did not have any inappropriate physical contact, nor did he invite your son to his house or to private lessons. Nowhere did he do anything inappropriate.

The e-mail does warrant further investigation to see if Mommy misinterpreted it and what the true meaning of it was, but in the scope of what a University Dean has to deal with on a daily basis, this would be at the bottom of the list.


Who's to say there will be?

From what little you have given us to go on, I believe the e-mail to be harmless. But just for argument's sake, let's do say the professor was testing the waters.

OP, if your son is going to pursue the arts, he is going to be in a profession with some people who might just be gay. Of course, he might run into some people who might be gay in any profession. He is going to be flirted with, by both men and women, especially if he is talented and cute; young girls, young men, old men, and cougers.

He is now a legal adult and is allowed to have adult relationships, whether you approve or not. He needs to learn now how to say no to people he is not interested in. Unless you are involved in working out an arranged marriage, his mommy cannot be involved in his personal relationships.

In the real world, adults flirt with other adults they think attractive. How else do relationships go any further?

IF, and that is a big IF, the e-mail was a flirtatious testing of the waters, your son needs to just calmly tell the professor he is not interested in a private relationship.

It is no different in homosexual or heterosexual relationships. You get hit on by people interested in you. If not interested, you just say NO.

IF the person keeps on hitting on you after you make your wishes known, then and only then, do you have a problem that needs to be taken to the higher ups.

WOW! SO much better worded than my response and I 100% agree. OP, you asked for advise and I hope you have read the thoughtful responses here and, having given it some time now, taken them to heart. Best of luck!

 

[Free4Life11]

Damn this thread has more drama, twists, and turns than a soap opera!