Venting.....Never borrow money from relatives!

[dtuleya]

Ok, long story short. Somehow the credit bureau mixed my DH and FIL information together under FIL's file. They have the same name except different middle initials. FIL applied for credit and was denied because it looks like he has all our debt (two car payments, credit card and mortgage). First, my MIL ASSUMES my DH got all this credit fraudulantly. Please keep in mind my DH is still looked upon as a child by his parents (as well as his other siblings). He is 37, had a BS in Marketing and has always done well in sales.

Here's the problem. They found out we had a credit card balance on our Discover card. Insisted that they loan us the money (interest free) and even had us sign a promissary note. They ridiculed my DH before this though and couldn't understand why we have a cc balance. Don't alot of people? I told DH not to accept their money that there would be strings attached, but DH can't refuse his parents because they bully him into everything. Begrudgingly we took the money to pacify them. I paid off over 80% of the credit card bill and paid some more bills off until next paycheck. Was intending to pay the rest off at the end of this month. FIL called and used the automated system at Discover and found out we didn't pay off the entire balance. Now he's telling DH that it is fraud and DH is furious with me. (DH doesn't handle stress well and takes out all his anger towards his parents on me.) He says he is embarrassed, and I am truly sorry for that. However, he isn't upset with his father for calling and checking on the balance.

Now it's WWIII at my house and my DH feels it's all my fault. Thanks for letting me vent. Thank god for caller ID. I'll never answer another phone call from them again.

 

[caitycaity]

yikes!!! good luck with getting everything sorted out.

 

[luvindisneyworld]

I would tell them to mind their own business and stay outta mine.that would make me furious if my in-laws done this to us or my parents.i cannot believe they called the CC company.dont get mad at me but it sounds like your hubby needs to grow up and quit doing what his mommy and daddy tell him to do.

 

[kejoda]

I have a FIL that is always giving Tim money. I haven't been that happy with it because my MIL thinks that she now can control our lives but then again she would think that anyway. Tim takes the money because he can't say no to his Dad. His Dad would never go to the extremes that your FIL did. IMO that is way over the line.

Your right about not answering the phone. As for letting your inlaws drive the 2 of you apart that I would fight tooth and nail. You need to have a long and serious talk with your dh about what and what not will effect your relationship. Good luck.

 

[jsmith]

The fraud occured when your FIL used your DH's information to access your credit card information over the phone. Since your DH is over 21 and they are no longer his legal guardians they have no right to this information and violate the law when they access it. You should, since they loaned you the money to pay off this debt, have done so, but it sounds like there are some enormous control issues going on here.
I would pay off the balance, refuse in the future to sign any type of note with them-they can not loan you money you do not accept and if your DH takes a loan from them do not spend it-just use it to pay them back. Also, you and your DH should pull your credit reports every six months and keep them cleaned up-this will ensure that your FIL does not see your credit information on his report. Also, quite frankly, if they accessed my accounts again I would warn them once then take legal action. If you are not asking them to loan you money your credit is none of their business

 

[Toby'sFriend]

Wow. That does sound really rough.

I agree that your DH needs to learn to tell his parents to butt out. I used to have similar problems with my DH in that he would be completely uninvolved in our finances and then every 3 months or so he would get semi-interested and peek in enough to tell me that I was doing it all wrong......major fight.....then he'd help pay bills for about 1 week....and the cycle would start again.

You know they say that Money and Sex are the biggest causes for divorce? I can well believe it.

I would definately be calling Discover to complain however. They shouldn't be giving out your personal info so easily and something needs to change there.

 

[nativetxn]

I sure hope this gets worked out. Good luck.

 

[dtuleya]

I agree with everything you have all posted. The problem is my DH is so controlled by his parents that he feels I'm the one is wrong.

I should have mentioned that I thought their credit reports were being mixed about two years ago and DH even told his father that, but neither of them did anything about it. I refused to lead my hubby by the hand to do this. Plus, since it's their issues they were the ones who had to resolve it with Transunion.

What angers me the most is that we never asked for this money. They offered and I told my DH that I thought they would hold things over our head like vacations, etc. Guess I was 100% right on that one. I stupidly thought that they would be adults about this. The problem is that DH has changed jobs three times over the past several years. He's a salesman and it seemed like everytime he made an upward move they changed the commission structure and we got screwed. He's expecting a nice sized comission check the end of July and you can all guess where it will be going.

The lingering problem is that DH has been so controlled by his older very stict parents that he doesn't understand how their manipulation is anything but "business as normal" for him.

I called Discover to change the #, but until we get this credit report mess cleared up, it will probably just show up on my FIL's credit report in a month or so. Unfortunately he knows my DH's ss# so as long as he knows the account # (which are all printed on his credit report) he will be able to get information over the automated account information. Any suggestion on this part of the problem?

 

[RitaZ.]

DH can't refuse his parents because they bully him into everything.

IMHO, that's the problem here. You shouldn't have to fight this battle for your DH, they are HIS parents. He has to be the one to set limits for them.

I personally believe that it's never a good idea to borrow or accept money from family or friends. Good luck getting this resolved.

 

[ChiTownZee]

We have had this happen with DH and his father. Have you spoken with Discover? You should be able to call them up, they have records of the application and can just make the corrections to reflect the correct social security # and take your FIL's off. It doesn't have to be stuck with FIL. I'm curious as to why you just didn't pay off the balance though??

 

[aahmom1]

I would have never cashed that check in a million years! It's your debt, pay it off by yourself and tell his parents to keep their noses out of your business. Period. Next I would call Discover and complain LOUDLY that they were giving out your information to a stranger.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

It sounds like you have alot of issues tied up into this problem.

I know you're really upset right now. I would wait a night or so and then sit down with your husband and try to calmly work through this problem. In the end he is going to have to realize that he is a grown man making his own decisions and "my Mommy and Daddy say I have to" isn't going to get him very far. It might help to make a list of things you want from the meeting such as...


Pay the inlaws off ASAP.

Call Discover and have them take your account off of automated access.

Have your DH tell HIS parents that they can not and will not fraudelently snoop into your private business.

Good Luck

 

[lisajl]

Oh boy!

Just have a couple things to say here...

My inlaws are the same way, and my FIL and DH have the same names, just seperated by the middle initial also.

They had some of our credit info on their report and we have had some of theirs on ours. We finally got it straightened out, but they were like your inlaws. Putting their noses where it does not belong.

My MIL has control issues. If she is not in control...she has issues! (LOL) She is a crazy woman, and I finally had to have it out with her because my DH would not.

It was not easy, but someone had to put her in her place.
Needless to say, she has never liked me, but I love her son and I am not going anywhere.

Good luck with your issues. I would pay them off ASAP and not deal with them anymore.
Lisajl

 

[faith]

Since your Dh did accept the loan he should have followed through and paid the entire balance off. Why didn't he?(just being nosey).
Also he should be the one to get this all resolved with the inlaws. After all they are his parents and you shouldn't have to be or want to be in the middle. That never works.
I hope after the anger wears off you can realize how much interest they are saving you. But, anytime money is given or lent by family there is usually strings attached.
Life is short. I hope you all can still have some type of relationship. It's important for your husband and any children involved. Good luck.

 

[Disney Doll]

I have a completely different view of this whole thing than everyone else. The problem is your husband. He has allowed his parents to run his (and consequently your) life, butt in where they do not belong etc, and then he blames you?????? I'd be doing some serious thinking about whether I'd even want to be married to this man!!!!!! A husband's loyalty belongs with his wife(and vice versa). It does not belong with his parents, and if he doesn't have the ba**s to stand up to his parents, you have WAY bigger problems than your nosey in-laws.

 

[jfulcer]

1) If you can't pay the parents off right away, take a cash advance off that Discover card and pay them back, 100%. I know you'll pay fees to take the money out, but in the long run I think it's be better.

2) Tell Discover that you and only you are allowed to access the account, I believe most credit card places will allow you to set a 'password' to be able to access the account. Call them and check. Do this with any other credit accounts you have. They should not have accessed the account, it's not theirs.

3) You need to have a conversation about your DH siding with his parents in this. That whole 'leaving the parents and cleaving to your mate' thingy. I might recommend going to a counselor together to talk about, it may help. It helped DW and I dealing with my in laws. I agree with Disney Doll, this is possibly the biggest problem of them all.

Good luck!

 

[gepetto]

is credit card in your fil's name? you said it would show up on his credit report. if it's against your fil's credit rating, then you should have paid the entire balance when he lent you the money.


you need to take it upon yourself to call transunion and straighten out the credit report mess so your credit stuff is separate from your il's

 

[disneefamily]

Disnee Dad Says.....................................Ask FIL very nicely if he prefers his jail time at state or federal pens.! lol
Then take the diaper off ds, I mean DH any way you have to.
Even if I totally took FIL side on this it is still 10 % you, 90% FIL as far as blame goes. Good luck, you are gonna need it.

 

[disykat]

I can relate to your story in that my DH is unable to go against his parents in anything (He also has the same name as FIL - I hate the whole junior thing, I see it as a symptom of very controlling parents). As much as it is easy to blame the husband for not "being a man"... etc. , I truly think it's sort of a brainwashing situation that requires intervention. A lifetime of control is hard to erase.

In our case, counseling and a lot of distance helped us get through this problem. I know that my dh probably still thinks deep down that if he married someone more reasonable he wouldn't have this "problem", but the only way to prove it would be to divorce him and have him remarry. Frankly, it's not worth that much to me to be right. We just had to find a way to totally keep the inlaws out of our private lives (including finances). He was willing to cooperate in this because he wants peace and he realized I can make him more miserable than his parents! Everyone has some flaws - and this is my dh's. I've forgiven him for it, we found ways to work around it, and we moved on.

I agree with the others about paying them back quickly and getting passwords on your accounts.

I'm really big into solution based problem solving. I may never be able to "fix" my dh's weird relationship with his parents, but I can negotiate how it affects me and our family.

 

[dtuleya]

I just wanted to clear some things up. First of all, it's not my FIL's credit card, it's mine and my DH's with our social security #'s attached. Because of the name issue, someone at the credit bureau wasn't paying attention to key pieces of information such as ss#, birthday, address, etc. and it someone got added to my FIL's credit history instead of ours. I don't know how these things work, but I guess it's a really bad clerical error.

I'd be doing some serious thinking about whether I'd even want to be married to this man!!!!!! A husband's loyalty belongs with his wife(and vice versa). It does not belong with his parents, and if he doesn't have the ba**s to stand up to his parents, you have WAY bigger problems than your nosey in-laws.

What about "for better or for worse". Other than this issue with his parents, he is a terrific dad and a wonderful husband. Doesn't everyone have "issues"? I do believe he it is more of a "brainwashing" type of thing. It's taken me a long time to understand that since that is not how I was raised. Bottom line, they are still his parents and he loves them.

The reason that I didn't pay off the balance entirely is because my DH gets paid monthly. I work for at an elementary school. Since school is over, I don't receive paychecks in the summer. I paid our two mortgage payments so that I didn't have to worry about that over the summer. I was trying to plan ahead financially and that back fired. I was planning on paying the cc balance off at the end of the month. Wrong move on my part, I know, and I accept full responsibility for that.

DH, the great guy he is, told me last night that (after the initial anger wore off) that he loves me and he is beginning to understand why I think his parents are controlling.

I will be calling Discover again today and see if they can take us off automated account information.

Thanks for all the words of wisdom.