Vent: Why do people ask questions just so they can attack your answer?

[Kermit]

I am so tired of people asking me questions about my plans for labor and childrearing just so that they can attack the answer that I give them. Most of the people already know what my answer is going to be, so they're obviously just asking so that they can let me know how wrong I am.

I am planning on having a natural birth if at all possible (I will accept medical interventions if they're necessary), I am going to use cloth diapers, and I want to breastfeed for at least a year, which is the current recommendation of the AAP. The "friends" who ask me questions are people who know that I avoid medications when possible and try to stay healthy by eating a very good diet and exercising, so I know that they're not surprised by these things. They just want to tell me all the reasons that I'm wrong for planning on doing things like I am. Now if I were someone who just told people without being asked what I was going to do and tried to convince them that they were wrong if they did something else, then I could see why people would get so defensive. But these people are asking me because I don't volunteer the information and then telling me all the reasons that that didn't work for them.

Sorry for the vent. I know that people can't seem to help giving unsolicited advice to pregnant women, but I wish that at least they'd do it a little more nicely. As long as I'm not going to do anything that's going to hurt either me or the baby, I don't really see why they care so much.

 

[CookieGVB]

The way I see it, here's what you should do...

I think I might just shrug and say "You know, I think I'm just going to wing it - I HAVE no plans!" (and then walk away when their jaws hit the floor)

 

[Kermit]

LOL! That's a great suggestion! I should try that sometime.

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

usually it's the ones who encourage all the things you plan to do who are the militants. personally, I had an epidural, bottle fed and used disposables.

ignore anyone who disagrees with your decisions. you're the one who has to be comfortable with how you're raising your baby.

 

[grinningghost]

I can relate. I remember being pregnant and having the same thing happen. It seemed no matter what your answer was, they would jump on it and explain why that was a big mistake. As CookieGVB said, tell them you're winging it. Because when you're a parent, you really do "wing it" most of the time. Good luck and "don't let the turkeys get you down" (inspired by overused catchphrase thread )

 

[Cricket2]

Green foam frogs can have "a plan"??????

Wow!

Next thing you'll tell me that giant yellow birds can talk!

Will the madness never end?????????

 

[Beanie]

Kermit, I remember when I was pregnant with my first and I was bombarded with the Militant Moms who said that if I didn't breastfeed my child, he would be dumb when he grew up!! Imagine how shocked I was to hear that at 9 months pregnant!!

You do what you know is best for your child and don't let anyone tell you different!

Hugs!!

 

[janette]

I think sometimes they are really asking just so they can get their opinion in. I think the only time I've been a little taken aback is a few times that I've asked people their child-care plans. I've been amazed to find that some working women just wait until after they have the baby to look for care. I've never let them know what I think about that plan though

 

[Toby'sFriend]

Yeah - definately 1st baby syndrom. The world seems to think that no first time parent can figure anything out without their input.

PS, don't let my Mother-In-Law hear about it if you ever sterilize a bottle in the dishwasher. She'll make your life miserable for months.

 

[binny]

I hear ya!

You do whats right for you! thats all that matters. If you are doing what is right for you and your child you will both prosper and thrive


Personally I went the other way. Was attacked for that too. I tried to breastfeed and couldnt but I wasnt heartbroken about it. You judt do what you have to do. If anyone makes you feel bad about your decsion they arent much in the way of friendship you know?

 

[snoopy]

My FIL actually came up to me when I was nursing my 3-day old infant and asked me, "just how long do you plan to DO that?" Considering the man has spoken about 5 words to me in 15 years, I was rather taken aback, but I answered, "oh, we plan to wean him by the time he starts college, don't worry". They were horrified when I nursed my kids until they were 12-18 months old, they thought it was barbaric.

People like to give their opinion, especially older people, I've noticed. My grandmother insisted I get rid of my cats, she was just sure the cats would smother the babies or give them an awful disease. Meanwhile, both of the cats and both of the kids are happy and healthy, all living under the same roof.

With the second one I learned to just shrug it off, but I understand where you're coming from, Kermit. It is annoying when someone tries to put themselves in your shoes - its YOUR baby, you'll do what you think is right.

 

[JAP]

Here is my advice: listen to yourself and teach hubby to change diapers!

 

[pw2pp]

Don't worry about what other people say, just do what you feel is right.
I had Natural Childbirth and Breast-Fed for one year also, but I was too lazy for cloth diapers. You are a better woman than I.

 

[kejoda]

Kermit the best asvise I got was to be flexible and go with the flow but Cookie has a great suggestion to. that is one I would definetly use.

And yes Iknow the spelling police will come after me.

 

[SuiteDisney]

I used the same answer that I used for people who tried to tell me how to raise my kids..... This is not your child!

Not that I have anything against advice and I often ask for it. But I can't stand people who try to tell you how to do everything. Oh, you shouldn't hold the baby so much... or... You should do this with the baby or you shouldn't do that with the baby. I would just say, "This is not your child."

 

[Sharon A.]

You know what really sad for me is I'm really torn between saying "I know exactly what you mean and you should just ignore those people" and saying "Oh no, you do NOT want to do cloth diapers" I'm so sorry, I can't help it.

*This was meant as a joke. While I'd never use cloth diapers, you can do whatever you want*

 

[PKK/MJK]

Hi Kermit,

Well, I did exactly what you are planning on doing-- natural childbirth, breast fed, cloth diapers--and that was over 20 years ago. You've met two of my DD's --I think they came out Ok--don't you? Your plans are fine--ignore the "budinski's" !!!!

 

[Breezy_Carol]

Just an endorsement, I used cloth diapers and never regretted it. I especially liked the 10 weeks of diaper service I got as shower gifts. After I got used to being a mom, I washed diapers and did so with second child because there was no service where we moved.

If people gice advice, like I will right now, say "thank you. That is interesting. I'll consider it." No one can fight with you if you don't disagree. Then do what you want.

 

[danacara]

I think Briar Rose is right, usually it's people with pro-cloth-diapering, pro-extended-breastfeeding, pro-attachment-parenting, pro-natural-childbirth opinions who are the uppity militants. So people hear about your plans (essentially all of those) and immediately jump to the defensive. Can you blame them? Clearly, by choosing to go the more difficult route and using cloth diapers, you do feel that people who use disposable diapers are not trying as hard/hurting the environment. You do feel that breastfeeding is the better way to feed a kid, and it will somehow hurt the kid in some way or another if it isn't done. You do feel that natural childbirth is in some way more special. Otherwise, it wouldn't be interesting to discuss those things on a message board. If you felt impartial, and were just doing this for your own edification, talking about others about these topics wouldn't interest you. JMHO.

 

[BethR]

Danacara, I would find it highly offensive if people asked ME what my plans are for my baby, I told them in a calm, rationale manner with no judgements made, and then THEY proceeded to jump all over ME for what I told them.
I think that it awfully presumtuous to jump all over someone simply based upon the answers that they give (breastfeeding, cloth diapers, etc). Just because SOME people are militant about a topic doesn't mean that EVERYONE is militant.