vent...rudeness IMHO

[angwill]

does the family member have an addiction?

this "anger" happens a lot when their deal isn't met.

that or a bookie he has to pay.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

All I can say is--NEVER LEND MONEY TO A FAMILY MEMBER.

We did once and were never paid back. She asked again due to a goof on her part during a move and needed money quick. We had to let her figure it out for herself. (my mom!) She was going to borrow the money from my sister, but then figured out a way to resolve the issue herself.

Sometimes, when you say know--a good honest person will find the correct way to fix their mess. When they get too particular about how you must loan them the money, it's a sign that you aren't really helping them.

Tell you DH not to feel bad, that is what the moocher family member wants and it is not a good place to be.

JUST SAY NO!!!!

 

[angwill]

But thats my point. Why does OP need to send a check to the company for them? Are they playing mommy and daddy? If OP doesn't feel that the money will be put to "good use" and that bothers them, then just don't give it. Without knowing these people, maybe they are down on their luck, and are embarrassed by it. Maybe they need to pay that bill, but are asked for a little extra for another reason, and thats why they don't want OP to write the check directly to the company. To me, its none of their business, and doesn't matter what they are going to spend the money on (as long as its legal). If I'm lending the money, I'm lending the money, end of story. As long as I get it back in the long run, it really doesn't matter to me what its going for. Now if this is an on-going situation, then thats something different.

If someone is going to ask for money and can't be honest or at least say they are embarrassed and prefer not to explain then they should not ask. Honestly goes a long way.

By the way do you have some money you want to lend me just because I asked?

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

If they made up a story, its probably because they are imbarrassed. Personally, I think if you were going to give money, its really no business of yours what its going to. As long as you know you are getting it back at some point, what do you care what its for?? (as long as its not for something illegal)

Actually it is every bit the lender's business what you are doing with the money.

Chances are, if they could really borrow money legitimately, they'd head to a bank.

But if a family member asks for money--we've been burned twice and thus if you ask, you better be prepared with the details b/c not one dime leaves my hands as a gift, loan, or otherwise until I know that the money is being used for an honest purpose and going where you say.

 

[bgirldeb]

But thats my point. Why does OP need to send a check to the company for them? Are they playing mommy and daddy? If OP doesn't feel that the money will be put to "good use" and that bothers them, then just don't give it. Without knowing these people, maybe they are down on their luck, and are embarrassed by it. Maybe they need to pay that bill, but are asked for a little extra for another reason, and thats why they don't want OP to write the check directly to the company. To me, its none of their business, and doesn't matter what they are going to spend the money on (as long as its legal). If I'm lending the money, I'm lending the money, end of story. As long as I get it back in the long run, it really doesn't matter to me what its going for. Now if this is an on-going situation, then thats something different.

I see it as if someone does you a favor, you are not entitled to dictate how the favor is given.

 

[Disney Doll]

I also never loan money that I cannot afford to lose and when I loan money I consider it a gift, not a loan. If the person pays me back, great. If not, they have been given a gift.

 

[tomthebarncat]

It is well known in our family, that if there is genuine need we will gift each other with money, but there will be no loans. I am blessed that my family is doing well, but my step mom is strapped. I have asked her if she would rather I just pay her bills or send her a cashiers check. She told me it was ok to make the checks payable to certain vendors. This is always a gift not a loan. I do not borrow money nor do I lend it. Never have and hopefully never will... as for the yelling, etc, that is extremely disrespectul and I would refer them to their nearest bank. Think very carefully before you give in to emotional blackmail, this situation has disaster written all over it.

 

[KAMLEM]

If they made up a story, its probably because they are imbarrassed. Personally, I think if you were going to give money, its really no business of yours what its going to. As long as you know you are getting it back at some point, what do you care what its for?? (as long as its not for something illegal)

How do they know it's not for something illegal if they don't get a straight answer??!!! Too bad if they are Embarrassed, the OP has every right to ask what the money is for.

All I can say is--NEVER LEND MONEY TO A FAMILY MEMBER.

Judge Judy always tells people that if you cannot afford to live without it, never lend money to a family member. GIVE it to them, but don't LEND it to them. It never works out because they will always make you the bad guy for having the nerve to ask for repayment or maybe even question what the money was for, heaven forbid.

 

[Metsfan520]

How do they know it's not for something illegal if they don't get a straight answer??!!! Too bad if they are Embarrassed, the OP has every right to ask what the money is for.
Judge Judy always tells people that if you cannot afford to live without it, never lend money to a family member. GIVE it to them, but don't LEND it to them. It never works out because they will always make you the bad guy for having the nerve to ask for repayment or maybe even question what the money was for, heaven forbid.

I do think it depends on the lendee. I lent money to my sister for the down payment for a car. I got it back with interest, in a year. She paid me every time she got a paycheck. I lent another sister money when she needed a car (her old car died when she was in the last year of law school )& when she relocated. She also paid me back with interest. It took her about 2 yrs.

OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable. Sounds to me like they need the money for something shady. I wouldn't be lending them anything I couldn't afford to lose. And actually, I wouldn't be lending them anything at all.

 

[Nancyg56]

If they made up a story, its probably because they are imbarrassed. Personally, I think if you were going to give money, its really no business of yours what its going to. As long as you know you are getting it back at some point, what do you care what its for?? (as long as its not for something illegal)

If your DH didn't want to pay the WU fee, tell them that the fee will be included in the pay back price, simple and done. Seems to me like you guys are the ones who made the big deal out of it. YOU make it out to the company?? Your treating them like children. As I said, give the money, or don't give the money, but why the stipulations??? Are you their mom and dad?

If someone is asking to borrow my money it is up to me to decide if I want to know why it is needed so I can determine if I want to lend it. I have lent money to family before and there have been times when I have decided that I will pay the bill, buy the food or whatever the money was supposed to used for. You would be surprised that there are people who actually would prefer that their money is not used to help someone buy drugs. I am one of those folks.

OK, people who need to borrow money & react the way they did need to be treated like children because clearly they can't handle their life.

OP, my guess is, as PPs have said, that whatever they wanted the $$ for was not what they told you they wanted the $$ for and when you guys called them on it, so to speak, by saying you'd send a check directly to the company to pay the bill, they freaked.

I wouldn't let it upset me, but I wouldn't be giving them $$ either.

When my offer to go to the store or whatever was met with reasons why the money was batter that having the bill paid or the groceries purchased I got the message.

But thats my point. Why does OP need to send a check to the company for them? Are they playing mommy and daddy? If OP doesn't feel that the money will be put to "good use" and that bothers them, then just don't give it. Without knowing these people, maybe they are down on their luck, and are embarrassed by it. Maybe they need to pay that bill, but are asked for a little extra for another reason, and thats why they don't want OP to write the check directly to the company. To me, its none of their business, and doesn't matter what they are going to spend the money on (as long as its legal). If I'm lending the money, I'm lending the money, end of story. As long as I get it back in the long run, it really doesn't matter to me what its going for. Now if this is an on-going situation, then thats something different.

But someone who just wants to borrow money and is honest will not come up with some lie in order to get you to lend it. Once the lying begins you know that the money is not going to a bill.

 

[bgirldeb]

In addition to the previously mentioned Judge Judy, I've heard Dave Ramsay say the same thing about treating it like a gift:

http://ezinearticles.com/?Loaning-Money:-The-Danger-Zone&id=421124

So the old joke goes: if you lend your brother-in-law $50 and he never talks to you again, was it worth the investment?

The joke may be funny, but experiencing this in real life is anything but funny. Loaning money to a friend or family member is a bad decision.

Someone who lends money to a loved one has their heart - not their head - in the right place. It is okay to give money, but loaning money to someone with whom you have a relationship will lead to broken hearts and broken wallets. Check out the statistics from a recent money etiquette survey:


57% of people said they have seen a friendship or relationship ruined because one person didn't pay back the other.
Almost 50% have loaned $100 or more to help out someone, but 55% don't get repaid.
71% lend money to immediate family members, 57% to relatives, and 54% to friends.

One fact not quoted in the survey is that Thanksgiving dinner tastes 100% better when friends or relatives don't owe one another money! Eating with your master is different than eating with your family.

Even some members of MyTotalMoneyMakeover.com feel the pinch. In a recent poll, 51% said they have loaned and never been repaid, 6% said they're in the situation right now, and the remaining 43% don't loan money in the first place.

Loaning money makes relationships awkward. Parents who lend their newly married daughter and her husband a down payment for a house think they are helping out the new family. Soon, however, they are giving the young couple disapproving looks when an upcoming vacation becomes more important than repaying the loan. This leads to nothing but resentment and pain on both sides.

Don't do this to people and relationships that means something to you. If someone is in genuine need, it's great to help. If you help with money, make it a gift instead of a loan. By not having an IOU having over your head, you will keep your relationships strong.

 

[kellyg403]

Thanks for all the replies. I never loan money out that isn't a gift. If it comes back to me at some point I am happy, but otherwise I try not loan anyone any amount I will NEED back. It just causes problems.

I think in the end, I was just disturbed that the person felt it necessary to be angry about the method in which they would be receiving the money. Kinda took me aback that it had to be on their terms or none at all. I also think if a person is going to ask for money they should be at least truthful. We would not have pryed if the person would have said 'hey, things are tight and we just need a 100 bucks to get to next payday'. Part me thinks it was a big story to make us feel bad enough for them to send the money right this second. It actually sounded dishonest which made me, persoally, not want to do anything for them.

In the end, DH Western Unioned the money. They are happy he is happy..no more hurt feelings. I just wondered if I was a little off in my compassion. I felt no regret whatsoever in NOT sending the money. I couldn't think of a single thing that made me feel bad for them.

Thanks again....
Kelly

 

[kellyg403]

If they made up a story, its probably because they are imbarrassed. Personally, I think if you were going to give money, its really no business of yours what its going to. As long as you know you are getting it back at some point, what do you care what its for?? (as long as its not for something illegal)

If your DH didn't want to pay the WU fee, tell them that the fee will be included in the pay back price, simple and done. Seems to me like you guys are the ones who made the big deal out of it. YOU make it out to the company?? Your treating them like children. As I said, give the money, or don't give the money, but why the stipulations??? Are you their mom and dad?

No, we aren't 'mom and dad'. We were simply making suggestions. Dh did not want to pay what he assumed at the time were high fees at the WU. He offered first to send them a check. Nope, their bank account is overdrawn so if they tried to cash the check the bank would take all the money for the fees they currently owe. They asked him to send cash through the mail. DH said no, he did not want to do that. Its a risky to send cash through the mail and he would not be in a position to resend said money were it lost. He suggested to them he could get the check/cashiers check in the company's name simply because it seemed like a good solution for the situation. We weren't asking their business. We were simply trying to find the simplest, easiest way to help them as they ASKED US. They were the ones that said it was for a bill. These family members were not embarrassed to ask for the money, we have given before. No reason to lie, they know we don't pry into their business. DH stated to them in the future if a bill can't get paid to call sooner because it would be easier and would avoid the WU thing. It got out of hand IMHO when the yelling started about why its a big deal not to send it WU, they need it etc etc. IMHO when you ask for money/favors you are putting yourself out there as needing help. You don't have a right to be upset if the help you are going to get is not in the way you want it. I know my dh...he knows something is up. He would have GLADLY went to WU if they said we don't have groceries or the water got cut off etc. Even as they yelled at him about things I could see he was upset that they thought he wasn't trying to help him. He is a nice guy when it comes to these sorts of things.

We won't get this money back, we knew that. So asking for the WU fee along with it was not going to happen either. We weren't trying to be a bank or the big bad ogre. Just looking for the options that would solve their need at the moment with the least amount of expense on our part.

Kelly

 

[AlexWyattMommy]

You and your husband are good people Kelly.

 

[omghidanielle]

Just don't do it.

My Mom has lent THOUSANDS of dollars to her siblings over the years. In some cases, they pay them back, (but very, very slowly, and never on time) in some cases, she winds up eating it. Yet she continues to do it, and they continue to ask.