Vent about my dad :(

[agnes!]

OP, a couple of thoughts...
If you want to continue a relationship with him?
*Never *EVER* see your father without your husband being present. EVER.
*Only meet him in a neutral location, like someone else's house, that you can leave.
*When he starts up (and you know he will, he isn't able to stop himself), have it settled ahead of time with your husband, that you two will leave immediately. Like MushyMushy, gather up your stuff and leave. Do not get into an argument, say something like "I refuse to listen to this nonsense" and leave.
*Never, EVER be alone with him at any family functions.
If your dad has a history of being a jerk on the phone, refuse to listen. Calmly say something like "I don't have to listen to you anymore. Let's talk when you can be decent." and HANG UP.
If your dad has a history of being a jerk in e-mails, refuse to respond. Maybe have your husband first read anything that comes in or listen to your phone-messages and 'vet' what gets through to you.

Don't let family (if you still want to see your mom or other relatives) guilt you into sticking around your dad for more abuse. If they choose him, they choose him, know that going in as you work to change your reaction to his verbal nastiness.

And I agree with others that your dad's a jerk and that you don't deserve to be treated like scum just because *he* is scum.

agnes!

 

[agnes!]

"Dad, in 40 years when you're sitting alone in a nursing home and wondering why I never visit you? Remember today."

This.

Also...
"Be kind to your children...they'll be picking out your nursing home one day."

agnes!

 

[NeverlandClub23]

My Dad used to make jabs at me like that (mainly because he thinks it's funny). They were always about my weight or the kind of food I was eating. The last one he did I was about 25 (I'm 29 now). I was single and about 5'5" and 150 lbs. He told me no guy is ever going to want to marry me because what did I have to offer? Being fat? He thought that was hilarious. I didn't laugh or show any emotion. I just said "You know, I already have a brother. A Dad is supposed to support you." He just blew it off and said something like he was just joking. I need to lighten up, etc.

A year later he had a heart attack and I drove my Mom to the hospital. He was still having the heart attack when we came in the room. I looked him right in the face and grabbed his hand. He told me he loved me and that he was sorry for everything he's ever said or did to me. After a week of visiting him in the hospital every day, they released him and our relationship has been great ever since.

I hope your Dad changes eventually before it's too late. My Dad is very much like my Grandfather (who my Dad doesn't get along with, ironic ) but I think the heart attack made him see how much he had turned into his own Dad and the person he didn't want to be. Fortunately my dad got a second chance. Not everyone does. My Grandfather is a lonely old man with 8 kids.

 

[katesorad]

OP here. Thank you all so very much for all of the continued support! I am taking everything you all said to heart and will be working on continuing to make myself a better person with all of your advice. My dad is a cold person.. it's just hard to handle sometimes when I just want him to be there for me and accept me the way that I am, but at the same time, I know I have to accept that he's not going to do that and it's not my fault. Time for me to move forward!

Thanks so much again!

 

[rie'smom]

My late FIL was like your dad. If he gave anyone a compliment, it was out of the ordinary. He always made comments about people's weight. Also, he was on the board of the largest law school in the state. If Joe Blow off the street wanted help getting in, he was right on it, however he never did that for my son, his other grandkids, or even his own children. Sad to say when he died after a months long battle with Non Hodgkins, my husband just could not get upset. Of course, he wasn't happy that his dad had suffered but he just was not close to him. He and MIL had 10 children and with 1 or 2 exceptions they all felt the same way. It was more of a relief than anything. MIL on the other hand is a sweetie.

 

[Planogirl]

Sometimes you just have to cut people from your life. My Dad was great but I speak from personal experience when it comes to verbal abuse from a close relative. Either cut them out or just expect nasty comments and learn to ignore them. Easier said than done, I know.

 

[lakelandgal70]

My dad and I have never been very close. I moved out of my parents' house at 17 because living with them was getting to be unbearable. I started my life at 17, got married at 18, and am doing well now just a couple months from my 21st birthday. I guess it's safe to say that I have changed.. my dad has not.

Well, this evening I went over to my parents' house to pick something up and my dad comes in the room and asks me why I was wearing sweats that are capri length and a t-shirt. It was a lazy day for me and was pretty warm out. I don't have a lot of warm weather clothes. So I told him.. it's warm! I wanted to wear something appropriate for the weather. And he said, "Oh, do none of your warm weather clothes fit you anymore, fatty?"

I was in shock. He hadn't said anything like that to me in a long time. I recently lost a lot of weight and have gained about 25 pounds back.. but I don't look huge. I've been trying to get back on the wagon with weight loss, but I really didn't need that comment from my dad. He said those types of things to me when I was a kid and growing up, but having him say these things to me now REALLY hurts me. And he chose tonight as a good night to say it because my DH wasn't with me.. he was at work. If he would've said anything like that when DH was there, DH would've smacked him upside the head.

Anyone else have family issues like this? Anyone have any advice for me? I cried the entire way home. Maybe it's a little immature to be upset about it, but it's a very sore spot for me.. and I wouldn't be upset if anyone else called me fat. But my dad? That's my dad.. I just want him to accept me.

First off I am really sorry your dad said that to you. I really wish people would censor their brains before they spoke. I know its hard but I would just ignore his comments. I think people really want to get a rise out of you when they say these things. I have issues with my mom and I really have to limit my time around her. I don't like that I have to but its healthier for me. Maybe limit your time and only go when your DH can be with you.

 

[Gigi22]

My late mother was always obsessed with other people's weight, to the point that she would "comment" (she always said she never criticized or nagged) on it in a perfectly audible stage whisper, even when we were out in public and she was commenting about an absolute stranger. I now believe some of her more unpleasant comments were the result of her increasingly obvious dementia.

 

[FergieTCat]

For a variety of reasons, since junior high, my father and I did not get along. It became more obvious as he got older.

Suffice it to say that out of his 3 children, my older sister was the only one who mourned his passing.

 

[IdesOmarch]

Sorry for you, that is very rude, cruel and un-called for. There is a polite way to talk about that without calling you a fatty. I see why you moved out at 17. I would just try and ignore him and do your own thing. I would never tell anyone that, let alone my daughter. If she had a weight problem, I would talk about it, not call her names or make fun of her, that is horrible. I wouldn't waste anymore time worrying about him IIWY.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

My dad and I have never been very close. I moved out of my parents' house at 17 because living with them was getting to be unbearable. I started my life at 17, got married at 18, and am doing well now just a couple months from my 21st birthday. I guess it's safe to say that I have changed.. my dad has not.

Anyone else have family issues like this? Anyone have any advice for me? I cried the entire way home. Maybe it's a little immature to be upset about it, but it's a very sore spot for me.. and I wouldn't be upset if anyone else called me fat. But my dad? That's my dad.. I just want him to accept me.

Have you ever talked to your dad about the issues? And let him know that your year in rehab kicking your alcohol and drug addictions led you to substitute food for less healthier habits. Talk to him about your miscarriage years ago.

If he still continues to be mean - cut him off. Don't let him take away your power! You have turned your life around and deserve happiness.

 

[disykat]

My Dad comments about my weight at times. My experience is that he is actually beating himself up, not trying to beat me up. While hard, I try to take it in that vein. Dad has struggled with his weight his entire life and the LAST thing he wanted to do was pass that struggle on to his kids. We all have weight issues and it is a big disappointment to him. I try (not always successfully) not to hold his comments against him, knowing that he's ultimately blaming himself.

That said, there is a point when you have to protect yourself. Frankly, I try to limit my time with my parents because they act like they don't like me very much. I'm fortunate to have people in my life that do like me, so I concentrate on them. I did tell my parents how I felt and things have gotten a little better. For our family, it seems to be all wrapped up in a cloak of feeling you don't acknowledge the good stuff because that would be bragging - so the only "feedback" that comes out is negative.

 

[ols386]

Have you ever talked to your dad about the issues? And let him know that your year in rehab kicking your alcohol and drug addictions led you to substitute food for less healthier habits. Talk to him about your miscarriage years ago.
If he still continues to be mean - cut him off. Don't let him take away your power! You have turned your life around and deserve happiness.

Huh? I hope you're joking.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

Huh? I hope you're joking.

No - not joking

I feel the OP should have a talk with her dad - bring up everything past and present and judge from his response whether she wants him in her life or not.

Some people are just toxic and will not change.

Sometimes it is the issues from the past that continue to be a source of tension in the present.

 

[ols386]

No - not joking

I feel the OP should have a talk with her dad - bring up everything past and present and judge from his response whether she wants him in her life or not.

Some people are just toxic and will not change.

Sometimes it is the issues from the past that continue to be a source of tension in the present.

Ok, but I still don't understand why you made those remarks.

I agree with everything else you say, but don't understand the first paragraph that you wrote in that post.

Nevermind.

 

[Dee & Greg]

I think you should address it.. but politely. Don't fight fire with fire.
Next time he is critical say "Whyever would you say such a thing?" pleasant, and with a quizzical smile on your face.

 

[disneyismyname]

Had a similar situation with my dad. Gave him a f--- you and walked out.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I'm sorry your dad said that to you. What a cruel thing to say and an awful thing to hear.

It means everything about him, though, and nothing about you. Clearly he's unhappy or just deliberately mean, I suppose, especially if he's always been this way.

I wouldn't go over there again unless your husband is with you. Might help to write your dad a letter.

 

[dumboiu]

Suffice it to say that out of his 3 children, my older sister was the only one who mourned his passing.

How incredibly sad for each and every one of you involved.......

 

[SaraJayne]

Ok, but I still don't understand why you made those remarks.

I agree with everything else you say, but don't understand the first paragraph that you wrote in that post.

Nevermind.

OP has LOTS of very personal, intimate info floating around the internet.