Vent about my dad :(

[mommasita]

I am so sorry. That kind of reaction is horrible, worse coming from a parent.

I really can relate to where you are coming from. I am not tall, skinny, smart, etc, enough for my father. I also left home young, but they were already divorced. I now limit my time (VERY MUCH) that I see my father, but only see him because I love his wife.

My thoughts as I aged were that I take things from the source. This man was never a role model to me, so I take what he says, and YES, it does sting, but I take it and throw it away. Nobody is perfect, we are who we are.

Look in the mirror, accept yourself regardless. What we see is only a shell of who we are. You are not your body image, you are YOU! You have a long life ahead of you, make the best of it.

 

[MushyMushy]

I'm so sorry your dad treats you that way. If anything, it teaches us how we don't want to behave towards others. My mom was the name caller, very hurtful names that still stick with me all these years later even after she's dead. One thing I did that helped cut down on them after I'd left the house was, when I would visit and she'd say ONE insulting thing, I'd immediately gather up my things and walk out without a word. At first that brought on more insults, but after a while it was like training a dog. She never did stop completely, but doing that sure cut down on it. I also like another posters idea of only meeting with him on neutral territory. It's easy for us to say for you to cut him out of your life, but you love him and want his approval. Probably always will. Maybe instead you can work on ways of dealing with him and putting him in his place. My mom and I eventually came to a more peaceful way of dealing with each other, but IMO it was too little too late. The damage was done.

 

[Mermaid02]

Your Dad is mean and most likely unhappy. I would distance myself as much as possible. Don't let him drag you back into his dysfunctional world.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I loved my mother, but the one thing I remember her saying to me more than anything else was "I can't believe you're so fat but your blood pressure is normal". My dad was much less critical and much more accepting of his kids' shortcomings - well, mine anyway, since my siblings were all perfect

I'm really good at knowing what to say after the fact - in your case, something like, "Everything fits, I just didn't care to waste my good clothes on you." or, to show you're offended, "I can't believe you'd say that to me.".

 

[luvmy3]

Your dad sounds like a jerk, but you can't change him so you can accept thats how he is or you can stand up for yourself and put him in his place.

 

[Jeniferdwn]

sorry your dad hurt you like that! I can't imagine hurting one of my kids!

 

[Reddy]

Thanks everyone so much for your support. The DIS is truly like a second family for me.

It's so hard.. I tried to tell him that it hurt my feelings, but he walked away quickly and closed the door leading to his office. He didn't come out again at all while I was there.

hmmm I think that means he knows he hurt your feelings & doesn't want to deal with his upsetting you. I could have slipped out - he might not have meant to say anything then didn't know what to do when he goofed. Since you did lose & gain back. You might try writing a letter to him & let him know how you feel (after writing it - then decide if you want to mail it or not but just writing it all out helps me - most times I don't send)

I'm working on losing wieght too - just started using the virtual trainier that Shape.com has going (it is free) - if you want to join me there I'm ReddyT & would love another (or more) friends. I'm losing for Mickey

 

[MIGrandma]

I'm so sorry your Dad said that to you! I don't blame you one bit for feeling hurt by it. Have you ever told him how it makes you feel? My Mom is very tiny, about 5'1 and 105 pounds. Me? I am not. I lost 40 pounds a few years ago, and put about a third of it back on. She used to ask me occasionally, "are you gaining weight again?" I put up with it a couple times, blew her off, finally told her how it made me feel and she stopped. I know she loves me, and only wants the best for me. But comments like that don't help anyone.

If you've told your Dad how his comments hurt you, and he still does it, honestly if it were me I would have very little to do with him.

 

[Belle0101]

Ditto on what other posters have said.

I haven't seen my bio. mom in 20+ years. She made her feelings VERY clear one day and that was that. Honestly? I'm better for it in the long run. She's the real loser.

And if I might add, it's not what the outside of a person looks like that defines them, it's what's on the inside.

I hope you have a great day today!!

 

[FredinFL]

Kid, face facts, your dad is a complete jerk. He's the only one that can change that, and it sounds like he never will. As hard as it is, you have to just chalk it up to him being an unfeeling, hurtful, mean, sneaky (since he waited for you to be alone to say it), jerk.

Hold your head high that you've escaped being a judgemental idiot and that you have done better for yourself.

Big hugs, I know it hurts, especially when they strike outta the blue like that. Some people just suck.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Mo Mom raised me to think I was ugly without make-up and she said it to me every chance she got. My father thought all females were accessories and never forgave me for being the smart one, that was my brother's birthright. On my 30th birthday they both got to me when I was alone before guests arrived and said, "Shouldn't you put some make-up on and are you really wearing that?" Also, when my kids were toddlers and I was a busy and sometimes messy Mom they used to insinuate my DH MUST be having an affair with some of the better put together women in his office.

I wish I knew how to co-exist with people like this but I've got nothing up my sleeve other than a few . In the end I just had to cut them out like human... well toxic isn't strong enough so I'll go with cancer. I will never understand why people do this sort of thing. Every day we all wake up and can choose who we want to be, why anyone would choose this is beyond my understanding. OP, just know this has nothing to do with you or how you look. He had a cheap shot and he took it, some people are just messed up but that doesn't stop them from having kids... all they need for that is working parts. I call these people my egg and sperm donors because that's all they really were. It still stinks and rationalizing it only goes so far, I still cry, so here are some more

 

[ols386]

I'm sorry your dad said that to you and that it sounds like this isn't the first time. It was a hurtful and mean thing to say.

My mom used to make remarks to me that were sometimes hurtful. Don't think she did it on purpose, but it still hurt. She was just one of those kinds of people who said whatever she was thinking at the moment, and didn't stop to think that saying those kinds of things were hurtful. I always felt a certain amount of resentment towards her for saying some of the things she said to me. I never cut her out of my life, but I sure felt like doing that at times.

If I were in your shoes I think I would tell your dad that saying that kind of thing IS hurtful, and ask him why he does it. He won't have an answer, but maybe it will help him to stop and think about the things he says to you.

 

[ols386]

Mo Mom raised me to think I was ugly without make-up and she said it to me every chance she got. My father thought all females were accessories and never forgave me for being the smart one, that was my brother's birthright. On my 30th birthday they both got to me when I was alone before guests arrived and said, "Shouldn't you put some make-up on and are you really wearing that?" Also, when my kids were toddlers and I was a busy and sometimes messy Mom they used to insinuate my DH MUST be having an affair with some of the better put together women in his office.
I wish I knew how to co-exist with people like this but I've got nothing up my sleeve other than a few . In the end I just had to cut them out like human... well toxic isn't strong enough so I'll go with cancer. I will never understand why people do this sort of thing. Every day we all wake up and can choose who we want to be, why anyone would choose this is beyond my understanding. OP, just know this has nothing to do with you or how you look. He had a cheap shot and he took it, some people are just messed up but that doesn't stop them from having kids... all they need for that is working parts. I call these people my egg and sperm donors because that's all they really were. It still stinks and rationalizing it only goes so far, I still cry, so here are some more

What a mean and hurtful thing to say, to their child, no less.

 

[disneychic2]

I could write a book about my not-so-good relationship with my father. When I was about your age I had to decide whether or not I wanted to continue a relationship with him. If I did, then I'd have to accept him 'as is' because I knew he was never going to change. If I didn't want to do that then I was going to have to cut ties forever.

I chose to accept the father that I had and gave up all hope of having the father that I wanted/needed. He isn't capable of being anything more than he is. Giving up that hope allowed me to let go of the hurt. He can't hurt me any more because I have zero expectations from him. He will never be nurturing. He will always criticize and put down and will rarely (if ever) praise or compliment. I see him a few times a year. It is cordial. We laugh. We talk about the small stuff. We hug and I tell him that I love him because in a strange way I do love him, I just took away his power to hurt me.

This is very profound and OP I hope you can do this as well. My girls had to come to terms with their Dad and now they have a good relationship with him (after a great deal of turmoil) and I think they are better parents for the trials they went through and the ultimate way they were the grown up in the situation allowing him to stay as he was. Take you Dad's power away! Good luck!

 

[Trish Bessette]

I"m so sorry your dad hurt you with those awful words.

I would have looked right at him and said "I am completely happy with myself and so is my husband - too bad you can't be"

Well, that is the "G" rated version of what I would have said to him!

Don't let him win, know inside how wonderful you are!!!

 

[Robinrs]

That was inexcusable and I'm so sorry you had to hear this... especially from your own FATHER.

If only people realized how abusive words can be. They sting like a punch. You didn't deserve that and no one does.

God bless....

 

[tlbwriter]

"Dad, in 40 years when you're sitting alone in a nursing home and wondering why I never visit you? Remember today."

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

First off, he's a jerk.

Second... take this as the perfect opportunity to cut him from your life.

If he can't be man enough to respect you as a woman or his child, you don't need him in your life.

You are still young, and most likely have hopes and dreams that he'll change. I highly doubt that he will.

You don't need to surround yourself with negative people. It's hard to detach yourself at first, but it will be better for your life and most importantly your self-worth, to cut infectious people like that out of your circle.

 

[ccgirl]

My dad and I have never been very close. I moved out of my parents' house at 17 because living with them was getting to be unbearable. I started my life at 17, got married at 18, and am doing well now just a couple months from my 21st birthday. I guess it's safe to say that I have changed.. my dad has not.

Well, this evening I went over to my parents' house to pick something up and my dad comes in the room and asks me why I was wearing sweats that are capri length and a t-shirt. It was a lazy day for me and was pretty warm out. I don't have a lot of warm weather clothes. So I told him.. it's warm! I wanted to wear something appropriate for the weather. And he said, "Oh, do none of your warm weather clothes fit you anymore, fatty?"

I was in shock. He hadn't said anything like that to me in a long time. I recently lost a lot of weight and have gained about 25 pounds back.. but I don't look huge. I've been trying to get back on the wagon with weight loss, but I really didn't need that comment from my dad. He said those types of things to me when I was a kid and growing up, but having him say these things to me now REALLY hurts me. And he chose tonight as a good night to say it because my DH wasn't with me.. he was at work. If he would've said anything like that when DH was there, DH would've smacked him upside the head.

Anyone else have family issues like this? Anyone have any advice for me? I cried the entire way home. Maybe it's a little immature to be upset about it, but it's a very sore spot for me.. and I wouldn't be upset if anyone else called me fat. But my dad? That's my dad.. I just want him to accept me.

So very sad. I swear...some people don't have filters!!! My FiL is like this and we try to stay clear. When I had pneumonia he said it was because I need to lose weight and my asthma is acting up. Said my DD8 was getting "plump" around the edges. She is nowhere near that as she's a competitive swimmer. But, his other GD7 is in a size 3 she is so skinny and you can see her ribs. He think that is how a girl should be. Anyway, I don't take it. I tell him I prefer to focus on my inside, something he should do as he is clearly just a mean person.

Congratulations on starting your own life. Keep moving forward!

 

[cm8]

Somethings you have to let enter one ear and pass through the other.

Words spoken can never be worth their weight if they are not given power to do so. Yes, sometimes words do hurt, but I think it is because of who it comes from and not what is actually said. As a father he is supposed to uplift and encourage you not tear you down. Seems he is all to bitter about something that he has done. He may be your Father, but he does not deserve the right to disrespect you. Next time (if there is one) you call him on his bitterness and I can guarantee you that either he will stop, or you will no longer be welcomed to his home because you stood up for yourself