Vent about DH not siding with me about daughter

[ICF]

Mine don't but some of their friends do. So what. no big deal. Mine get theirs in 6th grade.

????

 

[JoiseyMom]

I haven't read all the responses, but your dh was categorically 1000% wrong! If DH and I disagree about punishments, we discuss alone, not in front of the kids.

And I am ok with the punishment too. You gave her a warning and told her the consequences of her actions. She did the crime, you followed through. You were right, DD12 was pusing her limits and you did the right thing.

All you did was take it away for 15 mintues, that isn't a biggie in my book. Go you!!

 

[disneydreamersx4]

OP here - I appreciate that most of you have said that DH should not have taken the punishment away from DD. This is an ongoing issue in our family that I need to work on with him.

My DD's were drawing with pencils that had no erasers but DD-12 thought to bring one of those erasers from home that you fit on the end of a pencil. After repeatedly telling DD-12 to share the eraser, I felt the need to punish her by taking her cell phone away and 15 minutes is the first thing that came out of my mind....thinking back I should have said for 24 hours at least. Or yes, I could have walked over to her and demanded the eraser from her. As a side note, DD is very careful using her phone not to go over her allowed texts per month, is not allowed to bring her phone to the dinner table-she follows that rule without a problem attitude. If we were home instead of at my inlaws and that was the only eraser in the house, I probably would have sent DD-12 to her room. Most of the time I do stay out of sibling squabbles but there are times when I need to get involved and at a holiday gathering was one of those times.

To reply to a PP who asked if I call DD a brat? No, I never call my children brats or any other name. I was just using it here and venting to all of you.

Up until DH not siding with me, it was just another day of parenting and trying to have DD-12 have some manners/compassion for her younger sister.

 

[luvmy3]

I'm just saying that taking away the cell phone for 15 minutes was not much of a punishment and if it was, then her dd spends too much time on the phone. No wonder the father didn't think there was much difference between 15 minutes and 15 seconds! And yes, as one parent to another, I am concerned about her dd if she uses her cell phone that much - do you let your kids have a cell phone and be on it all the time? There are studies about cell phone usage and cancer you know.

Actually you said talked about being the OP's dd having a cell phone as your concern. You asked the OP id she was texting and if the OP monitored her texting. Nowhere did you mention cancer I'll say it again, you don't need to be concerned that the OP's 12 year old dd has a cellphone, her parents are the ones who can concern themselves with that.

 

[turkeymama]

OP here - I appreciate that most of you have said that DH should not have taken the punishment away from DD. This is an ongoing issue in our family that I need to work on with him.

My DD's were drawing with pencils that had no erasers but DD-12 thought to bring one of those erasers from home that you fit on the end of a pencil. After repeatedly telling DD-12 to share the eraser, I felt the need to punish her by taking her cell phone away and 15 minutes is the first thing that came out of my mind....thinking back I should have said for 24 hours at least. Or yes, I could have walked over to her and demanded the eraser from her. As a side note, DD is very careful using her phone not to go over her allowed texts per month, is not allowed to bring her phone to the dinner table-she follows that rule without a problem attitude. If we were home instead of at my inlaws and that was the only eraser in the house, I probably would have sent DD-12 to her room. Most of the time I do stay out of sibling squabbles but there are times when I need to get involved and at a holiday gathering was one of those times.

To reply to a PP who asked if I call DD a brat? No, I never call my children brats or any other name. I was just using it here and venting to all of you.

Up until DH not siding with me, it was just another day of parenting and trying to have DD-12 have some manners/compassion for her younger sister.

I bolded this because it stood out to me. Could this be why your DH questioned the punishment? DD12 thought to bring an eraser, other DD didn't. Sharing is great and all, but could DD12 be a little resentful for being made to share when she thought ahead? I'm not trying to justify her being disobedient, but sibling rivalry is a tricky thing.

I still think your husband should not have questioned your punishment in front of the kids. You were right to be upset.

 

[Scurvy]

I bolded this because it stood out to me. Could this be why your DH questioned the punishment? DD12 thought to bring an eraser, other DD didn't. Sharing is great and all, but could DD12 be a little resentful for being made to share when she thought ahead? I'm not trying to justify her being disobedient, but sibling rivalry is a tricky thing.

I still think your husband should not have questioned your punishment in front of the kids. You were right to be upset.

That's what I was thinking, as well. It doesn't justify her refusal to obey, but I can understand that the older daughter might resent being forced to hand over the eraser she thought to bring just because her sister didn't think to bring one.

 

[Feralpeg]

IMHO, the problem isn't about the appropriateness of the punishment. It is about one parent not supporting the other parent. If the OP's husband did not agree with the punishment, he should have talked to her in private. One parent should never undermine the other parent.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

That's what I was thinking, as well. It doesn't justify her refusal to obey, but I can understand that the older daughter might resent being forced to hand over the eraser she thought to bring just because her sister didn't think to bring one.

In my family, we call that sharing.

 

[mhsjax]

In my family, we call that sharing.

I have noticed in my daily adventures to the soccer park and things like that, that sharing seems to be a lost art. Although, I do see it more with the little snowflakes. The younger ones that I see are almost never made to share and will even take something away from the older kid, even if they weren't using it, and then the parents demand that the older one give into the little snowflake. Makes me crazy.

And please note that I am talking about what I personally see in my life, not anyone here.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I have noticed in my daily adventures to the soccer park and things like that, that sharing seems to be a lost art. Although, I do see it more with the little snowflakes. The younger ones that I see are almost never made to share and will even take something away from the older kid, even if they weren't using it, and then the parents demand that the older one give into the little snowflake. Makes me crazy.

And please note that I am talking about what I personally see in my life, not anyone here.

Oh, I agree - sharing has to work both ways. But an eraser not in use by one and needed by the other should be shared immediately upon request. Pretty simple. This is not a toy that both wanted to play with at the same time. It is an eraser. That is what makes it a slam dunk.

 

[mhsjax]

Oh, I agree - sharing has to work both ways. But an eraser not in use by one and needed by the other should be shared immediately upon request. Pretty simple. This is not a toy that both wanted to play with at the same time. It is an eraser. That is what makes it a slam dunk.

Oh I agree 100%

 

[Scurvy]

In my family, we call that sharing.

We call it that in my family, too. But I can well remember being the older sibling - the more responsible one - who had to share everything of mine if my sister forgot hers. It got old after a while, because she realized early on that she didn't have to think about what to bring when we went places, and she didn't have to be as careful with her things, because she would be able to use mine if she couldn't use hers. And of course the fact that she was younger - and less responsible - also meant that she wasn't as careful with my things as I was, which meant sometimes they didn't last as long as they would if I wasn't sharing with her. Sharing is important, but sometimes it's nice not to have to share, especially when you know someone is being less responsible simply because they know you'll be there to share whatever they need. (I'm not saying that's what happens with the OP's family, but if it does it could easily explain the older daughter's reluctance to share with her younger sister.)

 

[TwinsinCA]

Oh, I agree - sharing has to work both ways. But an eraser not in use by one and needed by the other should be shared immediately upon request. Pretty simple. This is not a toy that both wanted to play with at the same time. It is an eraser. That is what makes it a slam dunk.

I completely disagree!

It is an eraser that is on the end of the pencil that the 12 year was using to draw with. IMO she WAS using it. It was on her pencil. Is she supposed to stop drawing and hand it over to the sister? Is she supposed to pull the eraser off her pencil constantly? Frankly, now that I know the details this changes everything. I do not blame the 12 year old one bit for standing up for herself and refusing to share. And I don't blame the husband for refusing to punish his daughter.


OP why didn't YOU think to bring an eraser for your other daughter? She's 8. She shouldn't be expected to know there are no erasers at her grandma's house and think to bring one. You dropped the ball and your older daughter who thought ahead gets punished. I think that sends a horrible message.

I also find it rather amazing that MIL didn't have ONE pencil in the house that the younger daughter could have used once it became an issue.

 

[mhsjax]

I completely disagree!

It is an eraser that is on the end of the pencil that the 12 year was using to draw with. IMO she WAS using it. It was on her pencil. Is she supposed to stop drawing and hand it over to the sister? Is she supposed to pull the eraser off her pencil constantly? Frankly, now that I know the details this changes everything. I do not blame the 12 year old one bit for standing up for herself and refusing to share. And I don't blame the husband for refusing to punish his daughter.


OP why didn't YOU think to bring an eraser for your other daughter? She's 8. She shouldn't be expected to know there are no erasers at her grandma's house and think to bring one. You dropped the ball and your older daughter who thought ahead gets punished. I think that sends a horrible message.

I also find it rather amazing that MIL didn't have ONE pencil in the house that the younger daughter could have used once it became an issue.

The 12 year old could have pulled it off the pencil, I believe it was the kind that you put on the end on a pencil.


Let's say you are right, you honestly think it is ok for a 12 year old to refuse to do what her other tells her to do and it is ok for the father to go against the mother in front of the daughter?

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I completely disagree!...

Of course you do. This is the Dis. Someone has to disagree. It must be your turn.

 

[Mysteria]

Yes because taking an eraser off the end of a 12 year old's pencil and making her share it will scar her for life. Furthermore an eraser on the end of that pencil should cause a fight between parents and Dis'ers too. I'm almost speechless at the life this thread has taken on.

Seriously some of you are making way too much out of this. Dad should have sided with mom in front of the kids. She wasn't whooping *** over the eraser. She thought it should be shared. Seems reasonable. They could have disagreed in private and then amended any rulings over said eraser from there.

 

[TwinsinCA]

The 12 year old could have pulled it off the pencil, I believe it was the kind that you put on the end on a pencil.


Let's say you are right, you honestly think it is ok for a 12 year old to refuse to do what her other tells her to do and it is ok for the father to go against the mother in front of the daughter?

Sure she could pull it off and put in on and pull it off and put it on -- over and over and over again. After a while that would get annoying. I do not blame her for not wanting to share because every time she does it disrupts the picture she wants to draw and eventually those erasers can split. Then no one has one.

In this instance yes, I think she was right to stand up for herself. And I don't think parents occasionally disagreeing in front of the kids is nearly as terrible as so many here. In this situation there was no time for discussion. The punishment was immediate and dad disagreed.

 

[EMom]

Yes because taking an eraser off the end of a 12 year old's pencil and making her share it will scar her for life. Furthermore an eraser on the end of that pencil should cause a fight between parents and Dis'ers too. I'm almost speechless at the life this thread has taken on.

Seriously some of you are making way too much out of this. Dad should have sided with mom in front of the kids. She wasn't whooping *** over the eraser. She thought it should be shared. Seems reasonable. They could have disagreed in private and then amended any rulings over said eraser from there.

Sweet lord.....Give me patience. I cannot believe people are actually making this about the ERASER or the CELL PHONE. It's about a husband undermining his wife's authority to parent their children and sabotaging her ability to discipline. The other stuff is trivial.

Two kids were fussing/squabbling/fighting/generally making the day increasingly unpleasant because there was only ONE of something and each needed to occasionally use that SOMETHING. It did not cause physical or psychological trauma to the 12 y.o to share the SOMETHING, although it may have annoyed her. Well, siblings can be annoying. That's life. The SOMETHING could actually have been put in between the two of them for use by both....It can be used by hand.....I've seen it done. It doesn't matter that the 8 y.o. could have brought her own. Coulda, shoulda, woulda. She didn't and that's what the mom had to work with. What she got was a 12 y.o. who wanted to draw a line in the sand over an eraser vs. obeying her mother.

It seems to me the mom wisely was concerned that if this kept escalating, it might tarnish the day at the grandparents' house. She was trying to nip it in the bud. Gee, pardon her for considering that the atmosphere of the day was more important that the 12 y.o. retaining sole custody of a freaking eraser. It matters not whether the 12 y.o. is old enough to have a phone....She HAS one. That ship has sailed. According to this mom, taking the phone away makes an impact on her DD. Isn't that what she was aiming for? She asked the child to share and made it clear what would happen if she did not. The child CHOSE to defy her. Therefore, the child CHOSE the consequences. Then Daddy let her off the hook. Bad, bad, bad... Bad for a marriage, bad for parenting together.

If I tell my child to do (or not do) something or X will happen and they openly and willingly defy me, then hell to the yes I will do exactly what I threatened. So what if it's over an eraser? That's not the point. It's okay to defy her mother over a cheap ERASER?????? No, that just sounds like a battle of wills and for that family's sake, the mom had best win.

ETA: The seed has already been planted. If Mommy doles out a consequence that I don't like, I'll run to Daddy and get him to say I can ignore her. THAT is what he accomplished. He may not have had that aim, but that was the end result. This needs to be stopped NOW or the teenage years will not be fun.

 

[sandramaac]

Sweet lord.....Give me patience. I cannot believe people are actually making this about the ERASER or the CELL PHONE. It's about a husband undermining his wife's authority to parent their children and sabotaging her ability to discipline. The other stuff is trivial.
Two kids were fussing/squabbling/fighting/generally making the day increasingly unpleasant because there was only ONE of something and each needed to occasionally use that SOMETHING. It did not cause physical or psychological trauma to the 12 y.o to share the SOMETHING, although it may have annoyed her. Well, siblings can be annoying. That's life. The SOMETHING could actually have been put in between the two of them for use by both....It can be used by hand.....I've seen it done. It doesn't matter that the 8 y.o. could have brought her own. Coulda, shoulda, woulda. She didn't and that's what the mom had to work with. What she got was a 12 y.o. who wanted to draw a line in the sand over an eraser vs. obeying her mother.

It seems to me the mom wisely was concerned that if this kept escalating, it might tarnish the day at the grandparents' house. She was trying to nip it in the bud. Gee, pardon her for considering that the atmosphere of the day was more important that the 12 y.o. retaining sole custody of a freaking eraser. It matters not whether the 12 y.o. is old enough to have a phone....She HAS one. That ship has sailed. According to this mom, taking the phone away makes an impact on her DD. Isn't that what she was aiming for? She asked the child to share and made it clear what would happen if she did not. The child CHOSE to defy her. Therefore, the child CHOSE the consequences. Then Daddy let her off the hook. Bad, bad, bad... Bad for a marriage, bad for parenting together.
If I tell my child to do (or not do) something or X will happen and they openly and willingly defy me, then hell to the yes I will do exactly what I threatened. So what if it's over an eraser? That's not the point. It's okay to defy her mother over a cheap ERASER?????? No, that just sounds like a battle of wills and for that family's sake, the mom had best win.

ETA: The seed has already been planted. If Mommy doles out a consequence that I don't like, I'll run to Daddy and get him to say I can ignore her. THAT is what he accomplished. He may not have had that aim, but that was the end result. This needs to be stopped NOW or the teenage years will not be fun.

as one who has a dh who does this to me I agree 100% it is NOT about the eraser or the cell phone it is about undermining the others ability to parent it's about a power trip for the other spouse this at times is a great source of aggravation in my marriage address this with the offending spouse before it spirals out of control and you find yourself resentful and angry it will fester and ruin your relationship!!!

 

[The Orchid]

When I first started to date my partner, I told her there were two rules. First, I am always right whenever we are in the presence of my daughter. Second, when in doubt, refer to rule number one!

OP, I think your husband was wrong. Parents need to be united when disciplining the kids, even over very small things. He should have discussed it with you in private. There probably were better ways to discipline her (I would have made her write "I will share with my sister" 50 times), but once a disciplinary action is decided upon, unless it is extreme, it should not be altered. Parenting is one ongoing learning experience and it's not always easy to know how to discipline a kid when new things come up or variances on old things. And oftentimes you have to make a quick decision as to what the punishment will be and sometimes in that short period of time, you just don't come up with the ideal thing. Taking the phone for 15 minutes probably wasn't the best, but omg I have made a lot of worse judgment calls. On the job training...and it never ends. It is important for the parents to support one another. You and your husband could have had a good laugh over it and discussed a better way to handle it next time. But not in front of the kids!