Vent about DH not siding with me about daughter

[Barbossa]

DH was definitely in the wrong for making a unilateral decision to change your daughter's punishment. If he disagreed with your decision he should have discussed it with you in private.

 

[peanut1967]

Okay, no matter what one thinks about the cell-phone ultimatum....
The husband was SOOOO WRONG in undermining the OP, right there...

Bottom line, you and your DH need to have a big 'come to jesus' talk about discipline and creating a united front.

HOWEVER, I do have to agree with those who find the whole "I'll take your cell-phone for 15 min." approach...

It just makes no sense...
No cell-phone for 15 minutes????????

That is over-engaging, micro-managing, no relation between the 'crime' and the 'punishment', etc....

If I had heard the younger sibling becoming upset because of this type of behavior for more than a few minutes, maybe for the second or third request... I would simply have walked over... used my best very firm 'momma' voice... "Hand me the eraser.... now, please".... Calmly and immediately handed the eraser to the younger kid, and commanded the DD to "Since you can't share and cooperate together, then leave the room and go find something else to do."

Period,
No discussion...

I don't believe in negotiation or argument with a child who seems to be behaving on the level of a pre-schooler. As the old saying goes... don't argue with a 3 year old, because you will never win!!!!

Okay, again, this is off topic, and I am just giving my personal opinion... But, don't even get me started on a kid that age having a cellphone... much less using that perk, on a moment by moment basis, as a disciplinary/control method.

I have to agree. But if the older child is constantly being 'horrible' to her sister then I would remove her beloved phone for a week or more or just stop putting credit on it, she needs to treat her sister nicely, all sibling squabble but to constantly be mean she needs some tough love....stop the credit.

BTW about you dh he needs to get on board and if he doesnt agree he needs to bite his tongue and talk about it later, when you can both decide what is the best way to handle punishment.

angie

 

[tasha99]

first, we have been married 13 years. We were at inlaws for Mother's Day and DD-12 was not sharing her eraser with her sister-8 (they were drawing things. What a brat! So I told DD-12 if you don't share your eraser then I'm going to take your cell phone away. I counted to three and she gave the eraser to her sister. But then she wouldn't share it again so I got up and took the cell phone away and DH said give it to him. Ok, I did. I said DD can't have the cell phone for 15 minutes, he counted to 15 and then gave the phone back to DD-12!

Boy did we have a talking when we got home last night. And he thinks I was ridiculous! I told him he made DD-12 lose all respect for me.

anyone have a similar story to share and how they got DH/So to be on your side in front of children?

edit to say- DD-12 is very mean to sister and this was just one of those days that I had had enough of her not doing a simple thing like sharing an eraser.

So, so many about my ex. The one that stands out though was when I asked my son to do something trivial like pick up some toys, and my ex said he didn't have to do it. He said (to DS, not to me), "Evan, I didn't marry your mother for her brains!" I'm in grad school, and not a stupid person, but my own son (at 10 years old) told my father that I was really stupid and his dad said he didn't have to do what I said.

 

[EllenFrasier]

Where do I begin? Your 12 year old has a cell phone? That is my first concern. Does she have texting on it? Do you monitor who she's texting with?

And taking the cell phone away for 15 minutes? That is punishment....she will be upset if she doesn't have it for 15 minutes? I think she spends too much time on the phone then.

If it were my kids and my dd had the only eraser and would not share it, I would tell her to share it or I would cut it in half! Problem solved.

 

[luvmy3]

:eek:Where do I begin? Your 12 year old has a cell phone? That is my first concern. Does she have texting on it? Do you monitor who she's texting with?
And taking the cell phone away for 15 minutes? That is punishment....she will be upset if she doesn't have it for 15 minutes? I think she spends too much time on the phone then.

If it were my kids and my dd had the only eraser and would not share it, I would tell her to share it or I would cut it in half! Problem solved.

You don't need to be concerned since you aren't the 12 year olds parent

 

[kellyg403]

First, OP...I understand the cell phone punishment. I probably would not have done it, I would have probably sent her away from whatever activity was causing the squabble. But, you put it out there and it WAS the punishment you issued, so the rest is mute.

Your dh needs to understand he doesn't always have to agree with you but he must never disagree with you in front of the children. At this moment, the next 4 years will be extremely hard for you as a parent if this is the type of thing going on. Right now, your 12 yo is hormonal, thinking and knowing she is always right and all the other normal teen stuff. Once they know they have a parent on their side, well good luck.

I can tell you from personal experience this won't work. It won't work at all. You will become resentful and your dd will know that she doesn't have to respect you or listen to you. The most important part being the respect part. Its not easy to parent but part of our jobs as moms and dads is to teach our children basic manners and not sharing or being selfish is basic manners.

Good luck!
Kelly

 

[EllenFrasier]

You don't need to be concerned since you aren't the 12 year olds parent

I'm just saying that taking away the cell phone for 15 minutes was not much of a punishment and if it was, then her dd spends too much time on the phone. No wonder the father didn't think there was much difference between 15 minutes and 15 seconds! And yes, as one parent to another, I am concerned about her dd if she uses her cell phone that much - do you let your kids have a cell phone and be on it all the time? There are studies about cell phone usage and cancer you know.

 

[EMom]

The lesson learned here: I can pit Daddy against Mommy if I don't like Mommy's punishment and maybe, just maybe Daddy will take my side and Mommy's punishment won't mean squat. Score......Me-1, Mommy-A big fat 0.

I'm not going to debate the punishment. Only you know the facts leading up to it and whether it was appropriate. The punishment is beside the point. But there is no way on earth your DH should have undermined your authority that way, much less with you standing right there so that DD could see you as a powerless nothing.

Look, there have been times that DH has handed out a punishment and only realized after the words left his mouth that it was too harsh or was going to be a PITA for me to enforce while he was at work at I was at home with DD. He has gotten better at it since I said, "Before you tell her she can't do X for Y number of days, remember that I'm the one that has to make sure that happens all day while you're gone and I'm not going to be happy if you make more work for me that I need."

As a former teacher, I quickly learned to not make a threat unless I was willing and ready to back it up. That's why you have to THINK about the threat. As I explained to DH, once that threat is made and the child does the forbidden act, you MUST follow through on the threat or they will come to have no faith that you mean what you say. Threats will mean nothing. So think long and hard before you make the threat, because you may very well have to enforce it. From time to time, he STILL doles out a doozy that is excessive. Inwardly, I roll my eyes and glare at him. But DD never knows. I back him up.

Otherwise, DD will learn she can play one of us against the other and we have just earned ourselves YEARS of misery. DH would never undermine me as your DH did and I'd never do it to him....even if one of us didn't agree with the other about the punishment. If the punishment is to be lessened, that word must come from the one who made the initial decree......In this case, mom.

 

[mhsjax]

Where do I begin? Your 12 year old has a cell phone? That is my first concern. Does she have texting on it? Do you monitor who she's texting with?

And taking the cell phone away for 15 minutes? That is punishment....she will be upset if she doesn't have it for 15 minutes? I think she spends too much time on the phone then.

If it were my kids and my dd had the only eraser and would not share it, I would tell her to share it or I would cut it in half! Problem solved.

Cutting it in half wouldn't solve the problem of a child not being able or willing to share and take turns. This is a huge pet peeve of mine. My kids were forced to share and now they are really good about doing it.

OP, I think your hubby should have backed you up, but I won't judge him for that, because I know that I and my hubby have been guilty of that, even though we know it is wrong. As far as the punishment, I am right there with you. You have to hit them were it hurts. If her cell phone is that important to her, then yes the punishment did fit the crime. As I stated before, I am so tired of seeing kids not sharing, it blows my mind how many parents just don't spend the time making their kids share. And yes they have to be made to share at first, then they usually will do it.

 

[sbell111]

DH was definitely in the wrong for making a unilateral decision to change your daughter's punishment. If he disagreed with your decision he should have discussed it with you in private.

Of course, mom could have taken a moment to discuss the issue with dad before meting out the punishment.

I suspect that there is more going on here that we have been told. Perhaps they have privately disagreed on punishments in the past and the husband believes that his feelings are being disregarded. Who knows?

 

[bgirl29]

Cutting it in half wouldn't solve the problem of a child not being able or willing to share and take turns. This is a huge pet peeve of mine. My kids were forced to share and now they are really good about doing it.

OP, I think your hubby should have backed you up, but I won't judge him for that, because I know that I and my hubby have been guilty of that, even though we know it is wrong. As far as the punishment, I am right there with you. You have to hit them were it hurts. If her cell phone is that important to her, then yes the punishment did fit the crime. As I stated before, I am so tired of seeing kids not sharing, it blows my mind how many parents just don't spend the time making their kids share. And yes they have to be made to share at first, then they usually will do it.

Exactly right!

 

[aprilgail2]

maybe its the male in me too, but taking a cell phone away for something as small as not sharing an eraser is pretty outlandish to me.

we only take our sons cell phone away for big things like bad grades, etc...

could have took pencil away and made her do something away fro mthe sister she was fueding. our boys fight like this all the time 1 always wants or nee3ds what the other has, so we make them do seperate things when it gets out of hand, but no taking away a cell phone, even for 15 minutes what does that do?????

I totally agree with you!

\

Where do I begin? Your 12 year old has a cell phone? That is my first concern. Does she have texting on it? Do you monitor who she's texting with?

And taking the cell phone away for 15 minutes? That is punishment....she will be upset if she doesn't have it for 15 minutes? I think she spends too much time on the phone then.

If it were my kids and my dd had the only eraser and would not share it, I would tell her to share it or I would cut it in half! Problem solved.

Well since its not your child then you have no clue if she spends to much time on a phone or not. My daughter is in 5th grade and there are only TWO kids in her class of 22 that do NOT have cell phones (and they are getting them before going into 6th grade). My daughter would have a heck of a lot less freedom than she does if not for having a cell phone.

 

[BellvilleDad]

Where do I begin? Your 12 year old has a cell phone? That is my first concern. Does she have texting on it? Do you monitor who she's texting with?

This is my thinking, too. My 12 year old doesn't have a cell phone, and won't get one until he's much older. I don't care if all the kids have one!

On topic, your husband should have backed you up.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Since I have older dd's 19 and 13 now, I understand your pain.

I will say that you made an critical error with taking the cell phone away. Your dd should have been removed from the activity. And you can learn how to do it "better". Like if she is taking away an eraser, you step up, put your arm around her and say let's go have a talk in the other room. Then you can call DH in and have a discussion. Time to put the "discipline" into a "older child" mode.

Are you in the habit of making off the cuff punishiments for the 13yodd when she is mean to her sister. I am saying that because maybe you do this often and your dh did what he did, to be passive aggressive? I don't know, just throwing it out there.

I am 5 yrs ahead of you and I let dh take care of the "discipline" with my oldest, starting about that age. She bonds better with him and listens more attentively. When I step in, she knows she is in trouble.

I don't agree with what your dh did, that would tick me off, however maybe you can look at the bigger picture here and do some tweaking after the fact.

In fact perfect timing for a better strategy that works for you and your dh.

 

[SC Minnie]

There are times I don't 'approve' of the amount or kind of punishment DH doles out to DD but I back him up on it.

 

[EllenFrasier]

Before I unsubscribe from this thread where I keep getting told that this child is not my daughter and I know nothing about her, let me just say this...

This is not your husband either and some of you have no problem judging him and saying what he should have done, etc. You have no idea what the circumstances really were because you were not there, what the husband/wife relationship is really like and how often the mom takes the precious cell phone away. Maybe the dad was trying to make a point - that it may as well be 15 seconds as 15 minutes because it does no good?

 

[pioneer89]

I feel for you, it's one thing my DW and I talk about often: the need to back each other up.

I disagree strongly with the people who think taking a cell phone away is too strong of a punishment for this. Remember, the DD was not only being punished for being mean to her sister, but most importantly, she was being disobediant to a reasonable order from her Mother.

Without knowing you or your DD, I personally would have taken the phone away for 1 week.

 

[Barbossa]

Of course, mom could have taken a moment to discuss the issue with dad before meting out the punishment.

Does she have to do this every time she metes out punishment? As if parenting was hard enough. My DW and I usually determine consequences for our kids' actions on the spot as we think is appropriate. If there's a disagreement we'll discuss it in private. I certainly do not ask my DW to consult with me on every incident with our kids, and vice versa.

 

[Scurvy]

So neither pencil had an eraser on the end and they had one eraser to share -- is that correct?

I was wondering that, too. Actually I was really wondering why only one daughter had an eraser. If it was one that they were supposed to be sharing then of course the 12 year old should have been punished. But I've seen plenty of situations when two kids start out with erasers and one of the kids is too rough with theirs, and they break it off the pencil or make it too short or skinny to use. Then they want to take the other kid's eraser (and probably be too rough and break it, too). If it was a situation like that, then I don't think the 12 year old should have been forced to share at all.

Before I unsubscribe from this thread where I keep getting told that this child is not my daughter and I know nothing about her, let me just say this...

This is not your husband either and some of you have no problem judging him and saying what he should have done, etc. You have no idea what the circumstances really were because you were not there, what the husband/wife relationship is really like and how often the mom takes the precious cell phone away. Maybe the dad was trying to make a point - that it may as well be 15 seconds as 15 minutes because it does no good?

Maybe the dad didn't approve of the punishment, and maybe this is even part of an ongoing disagreement the two parents have had about how to discipline the daughter. However, it still was wrong for the dad to contradict the mom in front of the child. He should have discussed it with her privately. The only time one parent should contradict the other about discipline in front of the child is in a case of abuse. Otherwise, they need to present a united front and work out their disagreements in private.

As an aside, I don't see the problem with a 12 year old having a cell phone. My son got his first phone when he was 11. He has unlimited texting, and I think he might have sent one text message to someone who isn't a family member. He very rarely talks on the phone to anyone who isn't family, and has to ask permission before giving his number to anyone. I don't understand why a 12 year old having access to a cell phone is any more alarming than a 12 year old who has access to a land line.

 

[mjkacmom]

Before I unsubscribe from this thread where I keep getting told that this child is not my daughter and I know nothing about her, let me just say this...

This is not your husband either and some of you have no problem judging him and saying what he should have done, etc. You have no idea what the circumstances really were because you were not there, what the husband/wife relationship is really like and how often the mom takes the precious cell phone away. Maybe the dad was trying to make a point - that it may as well be 15 seconds as 15 minutes because it does no good?

If he had an issue with the punishment, he should've taken her aside and spoke with her about it. One of the number one rules in parenting is to keep a united front. It's pretty clear he made a mistake, even if he didn't agree with the punishment. If he wanted to make a point, this was not a wise way to make it.