Upset Daddy

[Jaxy0408]

I really enjoyed reading different peoples comments. i really like the dream catcher idea. Just for the record I never got angry with my son who is five getting up, it is just mentally exhausting. I love my wife and as with anything in a relationship we don't always see eye to eye. I will never lock his door (he gotta to be able to go potty). I will talk to wife and try to think outside box.

As for school he started in Pre-K last yr and not one problem. he is healthy and really this is our second time through this with him. it is a habit that need to be broken. Once again thanks all

 

[Debbie7452]

Yeah, just demand that your wife stop crying...that'll fix it!

Kidding aside, The drama and excitement need to be minimized. First, Get the boy a night light if he doesn't already have one. My DS used to sneak into my room in the middle of the night and creep into my bed. He was stealthy and sometimes I did not even know he had come in until morning. I told him he could come "snuggle" with me (he was about 2, then) only when it was light out. He would then wait until dawn and then come in which I allowed. He got a little cuddle time and I still got all my sleep. Occasionally he would try while it was dark and I would gently and quietly take him back to bed and remind him about the day light rule. If your wife gets too upset or frustrated, then perhaps you can take turns doing this. The key is to keep completely calm and matter of fact about it. Good Luck!

 

[mom2cookies]

a mother of four, i would suggest, a portable CD player, and play some low soothing kiddie music. Nothing loud or jumpy, but not quite Brahms Lullaby either. When putting him to bed he can listen to his CD and if he wakes up during the night he can again hit play and listen to it again. Just make sure the volumn is locked so you all don't get the wits blared outta ya : ).
Good luck and imo, if you know they are not in pain,afraid, or in need of anything necessary for life, let them cry for a bit. Go in an reassure them but don't let them in your bed if that's not where you want them to be. IF you or wife feels that is unfair or losing a bonding moment, give him permission to snuggle on weekends in the morning.

 

[mrsklamc]

My friends daughter used to get up in the middle of the night. They taped over the last two numbers of her digital clock and told her she couldn't come into their room until the number was a 7. But then, they didn't care if she was up in her own room reading, as long as she wasn't in their room waking them up.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I think the threat of locking your door is a bit extreme, but I understand where it comes from because sleep is something we so value, to have it disrupted nightly in this way is totally frustrating, especially when you know you have to get up for work in a couple of hours.

There was a time with my son we used to call him the Stealth because we'd find him between us in bed in the middle of the night and have no idea how he got there, lol. But we woke him up and told him to go back to bed and that was that, no half hour scenes that I can recall.

As for school he started in Pre-K last yr and not one problem

Everywhere is different but isn't there quite a bit more "pressure" in K than in pre-K? Or, maybe there's someone or something there that you're unaware of that's causing anxiety. I'd probably schedule a talk with the teacher just to see how things are going and let her know what's happening at home so she can be aware. One other thought - is he getting exercise during the day after school? He is not consuming products with caffeine in the afternoon or evening? You might also consider establishing a soothing bedtime routine with him yourself such as reading.

 

[Buckalew11]

Does he have a good, solid bedtime routine? I think a bedtime and a routine are important.

We had a rule: you get tucked in once. So, if she got up to potty or for any other reason, she was to tuck herself back in. This rule came about because I have a nephew who needed tucked in 12 times a night! Ugh! Exhausting.

 

[Alsobrook]

It's a phase.

No need to over analyze anything or have long discussions about it. It's not the getting up that's the problem, it's the bothering you that's the problem.

This will pass in a few weeks, but your wife needs to toughen up a bit. You're right...every night she caves is another night the five year old succeeded in manipulating

Kids go through phases where they wake....they need to learn how to go back to sleep, and they don't need you to do it.

 

[cari12]

Is there a lot of stress in the house? (Your wife crying because DS is crying sounds like she may be a little overwhelmed). The reason I say this, is that when things have been stressful in our house (for DH or I), sometimes the kids pick that up and can be more wakeful at night. Not their fault, just feeding off the stress of the household.

 

[cornflake]

I agree locking the doors and threatening to lock the doors is not the way to go. It'd just make him panic - kind of naturally. He could see you saying you'll lock your doors as meaning that he couldn't get to you, no matter what, he'd be all alone in the scary, dark house and you couldn't hear him even if he really needed help.

Obviously, that's not the case, but from a five-year-old's perspective, that may be just what he hears, which could make his nighttime neediness worse, even if you don't lock the doors - if he feels the need to check to make sure.

I'd simply tell him, before bed, that we all try to stay in our beds to sleep at nighttime. Then, if he comes in, just quietly, without engaging with him, walk him back to bed, see he gets in, give him a reassuring pat, turn around and leave. Don't discuss things with him, don't reward the getting up with extra attention, hugs, stories, etc.

However, I wouldn't try to stop his coming in by threatening or telling him flat out to stop it or x, y, z. He's clearly doing it because he's waking up in the middle of the night and feeling anxious enough to need to seek you out, even though he knows it's making you angry. He's only five, he's having enough anxiety to get up and need to come find his parents to reassure him and comfort him.

I wouldn't give him extra attention, which may reinforce that this behaviour will be rewarded, but nor would I shun him. I think a pat on the head and a walk back to his room, pull up the covers and walk out is enough to convey 'it's fine, we're here, you're ok' without giving an incentive for doing it more than he needs to. At the moment, it appears he needs to. That's ok. He needed to disrupt your sleep when he was an infant. He'll probably disrupt your sleep coming in in high school, such is life.

 

[Miz Diz]

My son did this at 4. Drove me crazy because he was interrupting our sleep and we were always exhausted.

You do need a routine.

I used to rock him every night and that evolved to reading a story as he got older.

So, what we did to get him to stop......

At first we were not consistent. We would be too tired and let him get away with it some nights and take him back to his room other nights. They learn real fast, so this does not work.

We knew we had to be consistent so we began telling him every night after he was tucked in that he could not come to our room when it is dark outside.
I would also tell him that if he did come to my room, his dad or I would take him back to his bed. He would not get to stay and crying would not get him his way.

We stuck to it and after several nights he knew that he would get sent back to his room and finally quit coming to our room. Then one night, I did not tell him he couldn't come to our room. Guess what?! He showed up in our room that night. He got taken back to his bed. I started telling him every night that he could not come to our room again and he didn't. Can't remember how long I waited to quit saying the words.

 

[zoemurr]

by the side of our bed. He was allowed to come in but was not allowed to wake us up. This kept him happy for a week or two until he realized that it was not worth it and his bed was more comfortable.

Good luck!

 

[jcano]

My friends daughter used to get up in the middle of the night. They taped over the last two numbers of her digital clock and told her she couldn't come into their room until the number was a 7. But then, they didn't care if she was up in her own room reading, as long as she wasn't in their room waking them up.

We did the exact same thing back in the dark ages when my oldest was little.

 

[bumbershoot]

it is a habit that need to be broken. Once again thanks all

it is a child with a need that should be met. I can guarantee you that letting him sleep with you won't turn him into someone who will stil be there forever. We had a family bed, ds is 7 and knows he's still welcome, but almost all the time he chooses his own space. We're visiting my brother right now and he has chosen to sleep on the couch in the living room tonight, rather than in the guest bedroom. When he had his needs to be close to us, those needs were met, and now he's free to be mature, knowing that if he has a need like that again that we'll still be there.

Your guy is only 5...he's not 15...

 

[muffyn]

what.. people..
didn't you ever watch supernanny?

I am in the camp of "kids need their own bed"

& Parents need their own bedtime together........

 

[Carina]

by the side of our bed. He was allowed to come in but was not allowed to wake us up. This kept him happy for a week or two until he realized that it was not worth it and his bed was more comfortable.

Good luck!

Didn't offically have a sleeping bag, just a blanket and pillow - but we did the same thing here, actually with all 3 kids at one point or another. I mostly did it because I was too lazy/tired to get up and walk them back to bed nor did I want another body in my bed squishing me.

I think they all were about 5(ish) when they did it. I think each of them did it for about a week, then sporadically for another week or 2, then they realized it made more sence to to go the bathroom, then walk back into their own warm comfy bed.

But they always knew my hard cold floor was an option if they wanted... ha ha

I also had a few occasions where someone would come in for a kiss before walking themselves back to bed. I was always OK with that too ( infact I'ld be willing to bet it happened more than I realized) but I never walked the kids back to bed or engaged it converstations beyond "I love you, you need to go back to bed now" as I rolled over and started went back to sleep.

I am a very unintresting person at night. I am not worth waking up for!

Maybe your wife could agree to be a LOT less intresting at night. Without feeling mommy guilt. (assuming that's whats causing her to cry??)

 

[momrek06]

My DS did this also but he was more like 2.5/3yo. It was exhausting for DH & I but it was a phase. It was a long phase but we handled it by putting a kid's sleeping bag next to our bed. DS would just wake up in the middle of the night every single night crying. This was not about having to go to the bathroom.

I spoke to my PED about this and he also said it's a phase. DS would come into our room and stand next to our bed. We figured after weeks of this if we faked sleeping, DS would just stand there staring at us (I had night lights every where) and then he would not see any reaction from us and then just curl up in his sleeping bag that was on the floor.

Oh and we would never lock any doors. We did put a gate at the top of our stairs as we did not want him to go downstairs or fall down the stairs.

 

[NikitaZee]

it is a child with a need that should be met. I can guarantee you that letting him sleep with you won't turn him into someone who will stil be there forever. We had a family bed, ds is 7 and knows he's still welcome, but almost all the time he chooses his own space. We're visiting my brother right now and he has chosen to sleep on the couch in the living room tonight, rather than in the guest bedroom. When he had his needs to be close to us, those needs were met, and now he's free to be mature, knowing that if he has a need like that again that we'll still be there.

Your guy is only 5...he's not 15...

I agree.
We never did the family bed, but if one of our kids is scared in the middle of the night, they know they can come and lay with us for a bit. A bit is around 30 minutes. That gives them enough time to calm their fears, or whatever is keeping them up, and then one of us walks them back to their own bed and tucks them in again. It always works for us, and as they get older, it happens less - maybe once every three weeks.
I'll never look back at these times and say 'I regret the times I let my kids snuggle in bed with me when they were scared at night'.
OP, however you decide to handle this - if I were you I would at least talk to your son and tell him you won't be locking any bedroom doors at night. Don't add that extra fear/stress to his mind.

 

[WL Fan]

by the side of our bed. He was allowed to come in but was not allowed to wake us up. This kept him happy for a week or two until he realized that it was not worth it and his bed was more comfortable.

Good luck!

This is what we did too. We never made a big deal about it, just rolled out the sleeping bag every night there for a while, and pretty soon our oldest just stayed in his own bed. The bigger deal you make out of it, the longer it's going to last and the more traumatic it's going to be for everybody.

 

[mhsjax]

it is a child with a need that should be met. I can guarantee you that letting him sleep with you won't turn him into someone who will stil be there forever. We had a family bed, ds is 7 and knows he's still welcome, but almost all the time he chooses his own space. We're visiting my brother right now and he has chosen to sleep on the couch in the living room tonight, rather than in the guest bedroom. When he had his needs to be close to us, those needs were met, and now he's free to be mature, knowing that if he has a need like that again that we'll still be there.

Your guy is only 5...he's not 15...

I disagree, he doen't have a need, he has a habit and one the mom is giving into. A lot of people, me included, have no desire what s ever for a "family bed" and really find the thought of it disturbing. Fine if you want of like the idea, but I refused to have any of my kids in my bed. My oldest would try, but I would go tuck him back in and sometimes lay down in his bed. After about 3 nights of this al I had to do was tell him to go back to his bed and I would tuck him in again, he was back asleep before I even got there.

Kids have a "need" to learn how o sleep and put themselves back to sleep in their own, no run to mommy and daddy every time they wake up. I guess we have a totally different style of parenting, and I just can't wrap my brain around the"family bed"

My kids are now 15, 13, and 12. They all love their own beds and have no problems what so ever about the night or dark or falling asleep, and in fact love this time and their beds. It won't cause psychological harm to the child, the mother crying on the other hand, to me is a real problem.

Meeting a need is not the same thing as letting a child in bed with you every night, this is a habit and a bad one. My kids know that if they are sick or had a bad dream, or what ever, they are welcome to come and get me, but they know they are not welcome in my bed, that is for me and their father. Well except for the Sat morning cuddle that my youngest DS did up until the age of 10, but he knocked on the unlocked door and then came in. And was always welcome for that. People need to realize there is a middle ground and just because you don't want your child in bed, doesn't make you a bad parent or one that isn't "meeting the needs" of their child. That is just parental jibber jabber, brought about by certain parenting groups.

 

[badblackpug]

I don't understand what the big deal about locking the bedroom door is. We do it all the time. We don't want the 23m old busting in at just "any" time. He can operate the knob, but if it is locked, he knows to knock. None of my kids sleep with us, nor have they ever. They are used to, and like, their own beds. If my 3 year old got up for some silliness like the OP's in the middle of the night, we would simply tell her "go back to bed."