Update post 202 & 207. A 22yo girl calls and says to my DH, he is her father.

[The Mystery Machine]

UPDATE: My dh talked to her last night. She is frightened about doing this. She also told her dad, (man who raised her and her mother is divorcing right now), as well yesterday.

So far my DH said she sounds like a very nice person. He is leaving Sunday to go meet her. She seemed very, very excited to talk to him. DH's take on this is this is something she has been waiting for her whole life.

As far as telling my girls, we will, but not until we get paternity obviously. Also my DH has gotten some lawyer names and we will be getting legal advice, just from a CYA/FYI oh and we REALLY need a will NOW!


Thanks to all!!!

DH and I are reading your posts with earnest. We don't mind the Good, Bad or the Ugly.....honestly.

Oh and BIG HUGS to some of you for all your family issues. Very touching to read them.

 

[kdibattista]

I do want to commend you on you are handling this. Just being open to this must be very comforting to her. With that said, I have to speak up in regards to the lawyer/will possible issues. I guess I'm not sure what the need is to consult a lawyer. Get the test... if he is her father then hopefully you will have wonderful additions to the family. If he is not... hopefully, you all move on. The only way I would get a lawyer is if anything was requested by the daughter or mother in the way of past child support. No way your husband should pay anything. Cross that bridge when you get to it. However, I don't see any reason why she should not be included in the will if she is your husband's daughter. Maybe I'm missing something but she would be just as much of his daughter as your children are. But that is a personal decision and one only you both can decide.

I admit that I look at this from a personal and emotional place. My husband found his father a few years ago. The difference (and I understand this is a big difference) is that both my husband and his father knew each other existed but his father left when he was a baby. It took my husband more courage than I can possibly begin to explain to contact his father. If we found out that one of his first reactions was to contact a lawyer to see about possible financial ramifications (he also has 2 other sons), I can tell you honestly, we would not be contacting him again. That was nowhere on our radar and would have devastated my husband.

Again, take that for what's it worth... I just don't want the worry about "what ifs" to interfer with what could be a wonderful relationship. I wish you all the best

 

[Muffy]

You are handling this well. Sending hugs that everything goes smooth.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

With that said, I have to speak up in regards to the lawyer/will possible issues. I guess I'm not sure what the need is to consult a lawyer.

We do not have a will and this puts the need for one in perspective.

 

[DVCLiz]

Seeing an attorney is NOT about 'lawyering up' as they say now. It's about sitting down with a professional who can detail the possible legal issues that exist for you, and how he (or she) may be able to assist you to eliminate or mitigate the unpleasant ones. The DD never even needs to know your DH went to see an attorney and, in fact, it's probably best she doesn't know.

One of those legal issues will be your wills, which probably didn't seem so important to you last week. Your minor children's interests are at stake. This is not to say the newly discovered DD would wage a legal battle for inheritance, but why risk it?

Kudos on not ripping your DH's head off. Clearly, this blindsided him as much as it did you... and good luck to both of you!

I totally agree - in this situation, and any other where you are not an expert, it is ALWAYS better to get legal advice. It's absolutely NOT an indication of trust in another person, it's just good common sense. Why would you enter into a situation about which you know nothing, and expect that you will suddenly be able to handle all the ramifications of the situation by yourself?

There's another thread Today about a woman who's divorcing her husband, and she doesn't see the need for a lawyer either. I'm telling you, people and events change when there is money involved.

To the OP - your husband can get invovled in this new daughter's life, love her, cherish her, give her away at her wedding, etc. - BUT, he should still talk to a lawyer about the situation and get some good legal advice. Best of luck!!!

 

[Toby'sFriend]

However, I don't see any reason why she should not be included in the will if she is your husband's daughter. Maybe I'm missing something but she would be just as much of his daughter as your children are. But that is a personal decision and one only you both can decide.

well exactly. It is a personal decision and the only way to decide it on a personal level -- as opposed to letting state law decide it for you -- is with a Will and a Lawyer.

People, or at least me, are not saying she should or should not be included in estate planning when we say get to a lawyer right now. We are simply saying that this is an issue that is going to have to be decided and legally planned.

My own personal opinion as the Mother of three children in this situation would be --- it is my responsibility to guard the interests of my children. If my husband wanted to take out an extra life insurance policy or something to take care of suddenly discovered adult children, I would certainly be open to that possibility. But I don't think I'd be comfortable with these children all of the sudden being entitled to a full share of my marital assets.

JMHO.

 

[poohandwendy]

UPDATE: My dh talked to her last night. She is frightened about doing this. She also told her dad, (man who raised her and her mother is divorcing right now), as well yesterday.

So far my DH said she sounds like a very nice person. He is leaving Sunday to go meet her. She seemed very, very excited to talk to him. DH's take on this is this is something she has been waiting for her whole life.

As far as telling my girls, we will, but not until we get paternity obviously. Also my DH has gotten some lawyer names and we will be getting legal advice, just from a CYA/FYI oh and we REALLY need a will NOW!


Thanks to all!!!

DH and I are reading your posts with earnest. We don't mind the Good, Bad or the Ugly.....honestly.

Oh and BIG HUGS to some of you for all your family issues. Very touching to read them.

Wow, I am glad he is going to see her. Imagine all of your life knowing you have a father out there and he doesn't know you exist. Very, very sad that her mother made that decision for her and for your DH.

I am sure she was terrified. Again, I know that feeling (just as other people here have mentioned it). The one thing that sits there, in the back of your mind, is that he may say "I don't want to know you". That sort of rejection is what I think is the most scary.

I agree with Kdib, please do not ever tell her that you consulted with an atty. I know that is the natural reaction to something like this and she may too. But, from an emotional pride standpoint, it would have devasted me to be told that was what my father was concerned about. I guess the second fear when reaching out to a long-lost father is that he will say "What do you want from me?". I probably would have just walked away from the idea of a relationship too. I never, ever gave my father any reason to believe I was in it for something other than a relationship and would have been stung if he insinuated that. Obviously, you will probably know fairly quickly if she has motives other than just a relationship. (you probably wouldn't tell her that anyways, I am reiterating what Kdib mentioned because I agree that would have really made me feel awful)

ETA, I am not saying do not talk to an atty or write a will or anything. I am just saying that I would keep that info to yourselves. It's a sensitive issue because any adult child is aware that people automatically assume there are other motivations when you suddenly call upon a father and want to form a relationship. I can tell you that with all of the people I know who have gone through this, NONE of them had financial gain on their mind. Whether that be money now or inheritance. It wasn't part of the equation.

I hope and pray this turns into a blessing for all of you and just brings more love into your lives.


Thanks for the update, it warms my heart that your DH is willing to meet with her. I am sure you are all pretty shaken up over this.

 

[mommiepoppins]

my dh met his father 11 years ago. dh never met him until he was 20. his father named my dh half sister the same name we had for our oldest . well the guy ened up being a jerk to my dh .. I felt so bad for my dh. My dh is a great dad and that guy could have used some lessons from my dh. My poor dh

 

[aprilgail2]

It is so good that your daughter is going to meet her. I remember when I wrote a letter to my birth mom after I found out who she was-the stress of waiting to hear if she would even have anything to do with me was to much! It all worked out and I now have a birth mom and birth sister and brother in my life. I could care less about what is in her will, as far as I am concerned the kids that she kept and grew up with her should be the ones that get it all. Its not always about the money, its about knowing there is a person out there that is your bio parent and getting to know them...

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I agree with Kdib, please do not ever tell her that you consulted with an atty. I know that is the natural reaction to something like this and she may too. But, from an emotional pride standpoint, it would have devasted me to be told that was what my father was concerned about.

Noted and talked about...thanks.

I told DH he needs to get to know her over the next few months and then we will proceed from there.

Here is what I told DH....
He needs to do the test, legal, etc..Then get to know her and find out intentions and then let her choose how she wants to proceed.

If this ends up being long term I want it to get off on the right foot.
I told him he owes that to everyone. Yes, he wants to rush and tell everyone....but I said getting to know her for a couple of more months will carry ALOT of weight when we do go and spread the news.
We would like to be able to say we have been in contact and this is the next step.

Families are going to trust that we did our homework. Afterall his sibs have kids as well.

So how does this sound?

 

[poohandwendy]

Noted and talked about...thanks.

I told DH he needs to get to know her over the next few months and then we will proceed from there.

Here is what I told DH....
He needs to do the test, legal, etc..Then get to know her and find out intentions and then let her choose how she wants to proceed.

If this ends up being long term I want it to get off on the right foot.
I told him he owes that to everyone. Yes, he wants to rush and tell everyone....but I said getting to know her for a couple of more months will carry ALOT of weight when we do go and spread the news.
We would like to be able to say we have been in contact and this is the next step.

Families are going to trust that we did our homework. Afterall his sibs have kids as well.

So how does this sound?

Sounds very smart. LOL, also sounds like your extended family members are going to be blown away. Are his parents living? They are going to be in the same kind of shock as you.

I wanted to add one thing, your DH might see her and know right away she is his. I know that I inherited so much of my physical appearance from my father one of the first things he said is "Wow, there is no way I could deny you" I actually look almost identical to his sister. It's sort of eerie. (not suggesting that the test isn't necessary, just saying that he may be really blown away if she resembles him alot)

It's a really emotionally charged situation. I almost wish you could be there with him when he meets her, it's going to be tough. But, maybe it is better if he is alone...I dunno, LOL.

 

[Beth76]

My own personal opinion as the Mother of three children in this situation would be --- it is my responsibility to guard the interests of my children. If my husband wanted to take out an extra life insurance policy or something to take care of suddenly discovered adult children, I would certainly be open to that possibility. But I don't think I'd be comfortable with these children all of the sudden being entitled to a full share of my marital assets.

ITA. I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, but my first reaction for the OP was to protect her minor children. And this girl does have a father. That doesn't necessarily mean that she should be able to reap financial benefits from both.

TMM, I will also be one to say that you are handling this extremely well. I can't help but wonder if someone else would have started a new user name. And then I can't even imagine what kind of direction the thread would have gone. And I agree that you don't want to rush into anything. It sounds like you have a good plan and I hope everything works out for the best.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Are his parents living? They are going to be in the same kind of shock as you.

Parents are divorced since he was 5. He is not close with his dad.

She contacted DH's dad first and his dad contacted us.

His mom is paranoid schizophrenic, however she is doing VERY well right now on her current meds....thank GOD!

So very important for us to do "homework" so his mom doesn't freak out. Although we do think she will handle it fairly well, however can't really know for sure.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

TMM, I will also be one to say that you are handling this extremely well. I can't help but wonder if someone else would have started a new user name. And then I can't even imagine what kind of direction the thread would have gone. And I agree that you don't want to rush into anything. It sounds like you have a good plan and I hope everything works out for the best.

Oh yea...I could have done that. That never even crossed my mind.
Heck, I needed answers NOW!

Thanks for the well wishes.

 

[dodukes]

I have to agree with all, you sound like you are taking this well and are approaching this all the right way. I think its better taht no one else but you guys know for a bit just to make sure its all on the up and up. Do you r children know yet? I think i read no somewhere that you were wating but just making sure. You wouldnt want to haev them on a roller coaster if this turns out to be a bad deal for all involved. Please keep us updated (nosey ness again) and yes I think in your case where DH never knew he may have had a adughter I think the test is a good next step.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

No my girls do not know. My 15yodd is taking an 1AP & 1 Pre-AP classes that are pretty tough this semester.
She also needs gallbladder surgery. This would be a little too much for her to handle.

So we feel that closer to summer will be better. Yes it means waiting a couple of months but if this is going to be long term, playing it smart from the beginning will benefit everyone.

It does require patience, restraint and maturity but we are adults and need to do it.

Well....gotta go for now...I have a doctor's appt. Be back later. Thanks to all!!!!

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

Good luck to DH and the rest of your family.

Chiming in about the will - my family was the one that had the full sibling show up out of the blue. My parents have refused to update their will - it was last updated in 1974 when I was in Kindergarten (I'm 37 now) and evenly splits "their estate" between "their children". Well that opens up a whole can of worms for my family and I have tried to warn my parents that they need to put THEIR intentions into the will or it will be a huge legal battle between my siblings.

My oldest sister is my Mother's child but not my Father's and he never legally adopted her but she took his last name so technically she is not considered "their child" and would be excluded from the will (along with her children and grandchildren). My brother is the biological child of both of my parents but they legally signed over their rights to him when they put him up for adoption as an infant so whether or not he is included in the estate is going to be up to the court. My 2 other full siblings are wretched individuals who I refuse to associate with and I can assure you they will battle for the lion's share of the estate when the time comes even though they have done the least to care for my parents in their old age. I have already told my parents that I will walk away and not battle my sisters because I don't want my children seeing that mess.

Bottom line - a will is there to INCLUDE as well as to EXCLUDE those you want taken care of when you pass. Once you are gone then your wishes won't be carried out unless they are in the proper legal documents.

Keep us posted! I hope the outcome with this new development works out as well for you as it did for our family. I can't imagine not having my brother around now. I just wish I could have known him sooner.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

No my girls do not know. My 15yodd is taking an 1AP & 1 Pre-AP classes that are pretty tough this semester.
She also needs gallbladder surgery. This would be a little too much for her to handle.

Tell her the gallbladder surgery is a breeze! I just had mine out while 21 weeks pregnant and was terrified but it really went smoothly. The scars are healing well but are a bit itchy now.

 

[N&B'smom]

TMM - I'm sitting here thinking that you are a very strong woman. You're sure handling this well. Good for you! I can't wait to hear how it goes for your hubby meeting her. Will you keep us all updated?!!? I'll be thinking of you and praying that everything turns out super well.

Shelby

 

[jemiaule]

....My 2 other full siblings are wretched individuals who I refuse to associate with and I can assure you they will battle for the lion's share of the estate when the time comes even though they have done the least to care for my parents in their old age. I have already told my parents that I will walk away and not battle my sisters because I don't want my children seeing that mess.

Bottom line - a will is there to INCLUDE as well as to EXCLUDE those you want taken care of when you pass. Once you are gone then your wishes won't be carried out unless they are in the proper legal documents.)\

Our wills are written up in such a way that if anyone tries to contest it whatever they may have inherited will then be bequeathed to someone else that we have designated.

After reading some of the replies here about children being entitled to a parents estate I think I must be a bit weird in my thinking. I do not feel entitled to my parents estate. It is their property to do with as they see fit.

That said, our wills do include our children as well as other relatives and close family friends. But man, I would be pretty peeved if some one told me they felt entitled to my belongings when I kick it.