Unlocking the Heart of Adoption

[horseshowmom]

I recently saw this documentary and was surprised by how difficult adoption had been for the adopted children and families. They showed a real undercurrent of problems resulting from adoption even though the families loved and tried to do what was best for the children.

I was good friends with a girl in high school who had been adopted after both her parents died in a fire (her adoptive parents were good friends with the birth parents and took in my friend and her younger sister). Sadly, my friend and her younger sister were both killed in a car wreck our first year of college (the adoptive mother barely survived - they were hit by someone passing on a double yellow line).

Their relationship with their adoptive parents was always very good. As an adult, I have two friend who have done international adoptions (one has 3 children and another one has 1 child). These adoptions have gone very well, and the children are well adjusted. After watching this documentary, I wondered whether the adoptions that I know about are the norm and whether most adoptions turn out well or whether there is as much difficulty as presented in the document.

I am close to someone contemplating adoption. This documentary seemed sad, and I felt so much compassion for these children. Anyone care to share experiences?

 

[meliss8599]

Family friends of ours are currently going through a really rough time with their adopted teenagers. They've raised them since birth and are absolutely wonderful parents. Unfortunately, the kids have issues which seem to have stemmed from being adopted. Very sad and the poor parents are just at their wits end.

 

[horseshowmom]

Family friends of ours are currently going through a really rough time with their adopted teenagers. They've raised them since birth and are absolutely wonderful parents. Unfortunately, the kids have issues which seem to have stemmed from being adopted. Very sad and the poor parents are just at their wits end.

The documentary addressed that. The adult children and adoptive parents talked about a void that was there that the parents just weren't able to fill and how strong the bond was with the birth parent (even though they generally didn't know that parent).

I changed my post a little bit because my friend was the only one I've known through adulthood, but the two friends I know (more acquaintances) have children who are older children to younger teens. They all seem to be doing well.

 

[honugirl]

I won't say it's always been easy being adopted, but I wouldn't change being adopted for anything. My parents have the means to deal with my rare illness that I don't think my birth parents would have had. I also had the best grandparents ever! I have so many fond memories of them that I'll treasure forever. My grandma truly was my best friend growing up.

I will say that I do not feel a part of the family all the time. I really am very different from the others. I play vastly different sports than they do, I do many more activities that are considered "fringe" I guess? What the "odd" kids do. I'm a hockey goalie, I curl, do taekwondo, and ride horses. I've kind of denied it for many years, but my strengths do lie in the sciences (chemistry specifically), which is not where my family's strengths lie, they are all business/marketing/accounting people. I'm very geeky, nerdy, and uncool compared to my extended family. Sometimes I feel like Domo, like I was just dropped here and hatched from an egg. I really struggle to fit in.

I love my parents and they love me, nothing will change that. I'm not even sure I want to meet my adoptive family. Part of me wants to just because I have a rare disease that could be genetic, so I'd like to warn them, but other than that, they have their lives and I have mine. I think the hardest part is just trying to figure out where I fit in.

 

[Saphire]

I am a foster Mom (to babies only) and have gotten a closer view to how it works. In our state, children must be with their "pre" adoptive home at least six months before the full legal adoption. This has been put in place so the family can make sure it is a good match. If it is and the family goes on to adopt, I don't think their chances of a "happy ending" are any less likely than those of us with biological children. Most of the stories I have heard have been positive, but I haven't read any statistics or studies on the subject.

 

[tink1969]

I am adopted. I am the only adopted child, and youngest, of 4 children.
I couldn't have asked for better parents. I remember the day my Mom told me I was adopted....it was when I asked her how babies were made! LOL
She explained to me how they were made but also explained how I didn't come from her belly.
Well, I thought I was something special! I was actually proud to be adopted and told everyone. Funny thing is, over the years, people who didn't know I was adopted would say how much I looked like my mother!
I have never desired to meet my birth mother/father. I do know my birth name and why I was put up for adoption but other than that, I'm good.
If I did ever meet my BP's, I would want to thank them for not being selfish and loving me enough to give me a better life!

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

I personally know 2 examples - one from each extreme.

My DH is adopted and is very well adjusted. He has a close relationship with his parents but he did search for and locate his birth mother once he reached adulthood. It seemed to answer some questions but he has no desire to have any type of relationship with her.

My biological brother was given up at birth for adoption. He found his birth family (us) when he was about 45 years old. He never did fit in with his adoptive family (though they were a very loving family) and said he always felt like an outsider. He did form very close relationships with his biological parents and siblings once he found us. I don't think he really felt "complete" until he found his biological family.

I guess it can really go either way. If you watch the show "The Locator" then you will see many examples of adopted children searching for the biological parents and vice versa. Some of their stories are just heartbreaking.

 

[quentina]

I adopted 2 from foster care. They are still young, 9 and 7. We have them them for 4.5 years. So far, so good however....not sure how they will feel when the grow up. I hope that all will be well but; we were advised that even the best adoptive parents' children will mourn throughout their life. Advised that all major events will cause this......time will tell.

Too be honest, I try not to think about it and take it one day at a time. I try to be as positive as possible and just hope that they are always proud to be our kids as we are to be their parents.

 

[horseshowmom]

I won't say it's always been easy being adopted, but I wouldn't change being adopted for anything. My parents have the means to deal with my rare illness that I don't think my birth parents would have had. I also had the best grandparents ever! I have so many fond memories of them that I'll treasure forever. My grandma truly was my best friend growing up.

I will say that I do not feel a part of the family all the time. I really am very different from the others. I play vastly different sports than they do, I do many more activities that are considered "fringe" I guess? What the "odd" kids do. I'm a hockey goalie, I curl, do taekwondo, and ride horses. I've kind of denied it for many years, but my strengths do lie in the sciences (chemistry specifically), which is not where my family's strengths lie, they are all business/marketing/accounting people. I'm very geeky, nerdy, and uncool compared to my extended family. Sometimes I feel like Domo, like I was just dropped here and hatched from an egg. I really struggle to fit in.

I love my parents and they love me, nothing will change that. I'm not even sure I want to meet my adoptive family. Part of me wants to just because I have a rare disease that could be genetic, so I'd like to warn them, but other than that, they have their lives and I have mine. I think the hardest part is just trying to figure out where I fit in.

That was also one of the things that they touched on - the feeling of not fitting in or being a part of the family (through no fault of the parents or the extended family). The children did recognize that they were loved and generally loved their adoptive parents, but they didn't seem to have the parent/child bond.

One thing they touched on was open adoptions. In some cases that seems to work, but in others not so much.

I am a foster Mom (to babies only) and have gotten a closer view to how it works. In our state, children must be with their "pre" adoptive home at least six months before the full legal adoption. This has been put in place so the family can make sure it is a good match. If it is and the family goes on to adopt, I don't think their chances of a "happy ending" are any less likely than those of us with biological children. Most of the stories I have heard have been positive, but I haven't read any statistics or studies on the subject.

That's good to hear. Thank you for the work you do. You are a blessing to those who are too young to realize what you do for them.

 

[tink1969]

I won't say it's always been easy being adopted, but I wouldn't change being adopted for anything. My parents have the means to deal with my rare illness that I don't think my birth parents would have had. I also had the best grandparents ever! I have so many fond memories of them that I'll treasure forever. My grandma truly was my best friend growing up.

I will say that I do not feel a part of the family all the time. I really am very different from the others. I play vastly different sports than they do, I do many more activities that are considered "fringe" I guess? What the "odd" kids do. I'm a hockey goalie, I curl, do taekwondo, and ride horses. I've kind of denied it for many years, but my strengths do lie in the sciences (chemistry specifically), which is not where my family's strengths lie, they are all business/marketing/accounting people. I'm very geeky, nerdy, and uncool compared to my extended family. Sometimes I feel like Domo, like I was just dropped here and hatched from an egg. I really struggle to fit in. I love my parents and they love me, nothing will change that. I'm not even sure I want to meet my adoptive family. Part of me wants to just because I have a rare disease that could be genetic, so I'd like to warn them, but other than that, they have their lives and I have mine. I think the hardest part is just trying to figure out where I fit in.

Do you have children? I have two of my own and they are complete opposites! One is very laid back, quiet, a bookworm, while my other is like the energizer bunny and likes to do anything and everything. Every person is different. Just because you don't like 'business/marketing', shouldn't mean you feel like an oddball and aren't part of the family. It sounds like you do have a great family. Don't worry that you don't like the same things they do and don't think about it so much. Love yourself for who you are!

 

[horseshowmom]

I am adopted. I am the only adopted child, and youngest, of 4 children.
I couldn't have asked for better parents. I remember the day my Mom told me I was adopted....it was when I asked her how babies were made! LOL
She explained to me how they were made but also explained how I didn't come from her belly.
Well, I thought I was something special! I was actually proud to be adopted and told everyone. Funny thing is, over the years, people who didn't know I was adopted would say how much I looked like my mother!
I have never desired to meet my birth mother/father. I do know my birth name and why I was put up for adoption but other than that, I'm good.
If I did ever meet my BP's, I would want to thank them for not being selfish and loving me enough to give me a better life!

This is so touching and what you really hope for as a parent when you add that child to your family. I can only imagine what a blessing you have been to your parents and siblings.

I personally know 2 examples - one from each extreme.

My DH is adopted and is very well adjusted. He has a close relationship with his parents but he did search for and locate his birth mother once he reached adulthood. It seemed to answer some questions but he has no desire to have any type of relationship with her.

My biological brother was given up at birth for adoption. He found his birth family (us) when he was about 45 years old. He never did fit in with his adoptive family (though they were a very loving family) and said he always felt like an outsider. He did form very close relationships with his biological parents and siblings once he found us. I don't think he really felt "complete" until he found his biological family.

I guess it can really go either way. If you watch the show "The Locator" then you will see many examples of adopted children searching for the biological parents and vice versa. Some of their stories are just heartbreaking.

I do watch it, and, you're right, I've cried more than once.

Regarding your two examples, you wonder what it is that makes the difference.

I adopted 2 from foster care. They are still young, 9 and 7. We have them them for 4.5 years. So far, so good however....not sure how they will feel when the grow up. I hope that all will be well but; we were advised that even the best adoptive parents' children will mourn throughout their life. Advised that all major events will cause this......time will tell.

Too be honest, I try not to think about it and take it one day at a time. I try to be as positive as possible and just hope that they are always proud to be our kids as we are to be their parents.

After you said that, it reminded me of another couple that we are close to. It's kind of funny because I didn't even think about them. They adopted 3 children from foster care (none of them were related prior to adoption). The younger two boys have done well - so well, in fact, that I didn't even think about them regarding adoption! They adore their parents and are well adjusted young men (normal in every way, including getting into normal trouble as they grew up!) They are all out of high school now.

The oldest one had a LOT of issues though and wound up being sent to a facility several years ago (after threatening them with a knife and numerous other serious issues). He was there for several months until he finished high school and was released. He returned home but created a great deal of drama. It was heartbreaking for the parents. This particular child had suffered extreme abuse at the hands of his biological parents, and I have to believe that some of that carried over even though he was less than three at that time. Of course, at least one of the other two had too. You wonder what the difference is.

 

[horseshowmom]

Do you have children? I have two of my own and they are complete opposites! One is very laid back, quiet, a bookworm, while my other is like the energizer bunny and likes to do anything and everything. Every person is different. Just because you don't like 'business/marketing', shouldn't mean you feel like an oddball and aren't part of the family. It sounds like you do have a great family. Don't worry that you don't like the same things they do and don't think about it so much. Love yourself for who you are!

Very good point! My brother and I are very different. DH had 5 children in his family. Really, he and his sister were very much alike. The others were different in their own ways.

 

[honugirl]

That was also one of the things that they touched on - the feeling of not fitting in or being a part of the family (through no fault of the parents or the extended family). The children did recognize that they were loved and generally loved their adoptive parents, but they didn't seem to have the parent/child bond.

One thing they touched on was open adoptions. In some cases that seems to work, but in others not so much.

Truthfully, I actually have a good relationship with my parents for the most part and as we get older, it is getting better in a lot of ways. It's the extended family that has been hard. We have a few similarities, but they're not enough to really bind us as we get older. But I guess even in blood relative families, there's always a black sheep type person, and that would be me.

I've really struggled throughout my life and I don't think most of it can really be attributed to the adoption. My disease started when I was just coming out of elementary school and wasn't diagnosed until I was 30, so in all honesty, I think a lot of the problems I had growing up was attributed to that much more. Plus the more I look back, the more I see I've grown up with possible asperger tendencies (was told it was RAD, but I'm not so sure). I only really bond with certain people because of it and they're usually people of my own choosing. So I think that it's on both ends, not just on the extended family.

 

[stargazer2892]

I was "kind of" adopted. I was 18 when my dad adopted me. Him and my mom were married when I was 2, but due to my biological father refusing to sign the consent form I had to wait. I started to ask when I was 12. As much as I wanted to be adopted I have always felt a little left out when it comes to my family. Even though my mom is my biological mom and her and I are exactly alike, I've always felt a little left out. I know my parents don't love me less but the feeling is there.

 

[honugirl]

Do you have children? I have two of my own and they are complete opposites! One is very laid back, quiet, a bookworm, while my other is like the energizer bunny and likes to do anything and everything. Every person is different. Just because you don't like 'business/marketing', shouldn't mean you feel like an oddball and aren't part of the family. It sounds like you do have a great family. Don't worry that you don't like the same things they do and don't think about it so much. Love yourself for who you are!

No, I don't have children. It's kind of a weird internal feeling though that I don't fit in. It's very hard to explain. I just kind of know I'm different. I get treated differently at times without them really meaning to do it.

I do have a great family and most of the time, they're wonderful.

Thank you! I know I do have to love myself for who I am.

 

[shaylyn]

I am adopted. I am the only adopted child, and youngest, of 4 children.
I couldn't have asked for better parents. I remember the day my Mom told me I was adopted....it was when I asked her how babies were made! LOL
She explained to me how they were made but also explained how I didn't come from her belly.
Well, I thought I was something special! I was actually proud to be adopted and told everyone. Funny thing is, over the years, people who didn't know I was adopted would say how much I looked like my mother!
I have never desired to meet my birth mother/father. I do know my birth name and why I was put up for adoption but other than that, I'm good.
If I did ever meet my BP's, I would want to thank them for not being selfish and loving me enough to give me a better life!

Thank you for posting your story! One of our 6 children was adopted when he was 2 from foster care. We have always told him that he grew in xxxxx's belly, but for some reason, it seemed to click tonight, and he asked me who's belly he grew in! I've wondered if he would ever feel different (in a bad way) that he's the only one of 6 who didn't grow in my belly. That's funny that you mention people think you look like your mom. People always tell us that our adopted son looks just like me!

As for the adoption, we had to go through the "trial" period. Ours took 12 months from the time he was placed in our home before the court put the adoption through. Once he was in our house, there was no way we could imagine sending him away!

We have issues though. He is mentally handicap with an IQ of 60 and has severe adhd (he growls, screams and hits his face over and over again as soon as his eyes open in the morning, for example). These behaviors are very challenging, but they are not the result of adoption

 

[horseshowmom]

I was "kind of" adopted. I was 18 when my dad adopted me. Him and my mom were married when I was 2, but due to my biological father refusing to sign the consent form I had to wait. I started to ask when I was 12. As much as I wanted to be adopted I have always felt a little left out when it comes to my family. Even though my mom is my biological mom and her and I are exactly alike, I've always felt a little left out. I know my parents don't love me less but the feeling is there.

Thank you for posting your story! One of our 6 children was adopted when he was 2 from foster care. We have always told him that he grew in xxxxx's belly, but for some reason, it seemed to click tonight, and he asked me who's belly he grew in! I've wondered if he would ever feel different (in a bad way) that he's the only one of 6 who didn't grow in my belly. That's funny that you mention people think you look like your mom. People always tell us that our adopted son looks just like me!

As for the adoption, we had to go through the "trial" period. Ours took 12 months from the time he was placed in our home before the court put the adoption through. Once he was in our house, there was no way we could imagine sending him away!

We have issues though. He is mentally handicap with an IQ of 60 and has severe adhd (he growls, screams and hits his face over and over again as soon as his eyes open in the morning, for example). These behaviors are very challenging, but they are not the result of adoption

One of the foster children that I mentioned has IQ issues due to physical abuse by his bio parents. He is one of the two who has adjusted well. His dad worked with him diligently (as did his mom) to learn how to work and to eventually get a drivers license (which was not an easy thing for him to do). He now has a job that allows him to earn money. He lives at home and is doing great.

This boy would not have been able to achieve what he did without the help of his parents who love him dearly. I know that your son will benefit from your love and guidance as well.

 

[EMom]

I recently saw this documentary and was surprised by how difficult adoption had been for the adopted children and families. They showed a real undercurrent of problems resulting from adoption even though the families loved and tried to do what was best for the children.
......After watching this documentary, I wondered whether the adoptions that I know about are the norm and whether most adoptions turn out well or whether there is as much difficulty as presented in the document.

I am close to someone contemplating adoption. This documentary seemed sad, and I felt so much compassion for these children. Anyone care to share experiences?

I haven't seen it, but my immediate reaction was, "What angle was the maker coming from? Did they have a bias?"

So I googled it and the maker is a birthmother who conceived a child because of a rape and that child was adopted. So she isn't exactly neutral or objective by any stretch of the imagination. And not to be too cynical, but a documentary which featured well-adjusted, happy, successful adult adoptees wouldn't have been nearly so attention grabbing, would it?

I know some adoptees have problems, but when you look at statistics, the bulk of them do just fine. And how many of those who have problems would have also had problems had they remained with their bio families? Who can say.? I know a lot of adopted kids, and some adults. Since these kids had beyond devoted parents, they had an advantage. The kids are not perfect, but they're well-adjusted.

 

[horseshowmom]

I haven't seen it, but my immediate reaction was, "What angle was the maker coming from? Did they have a bias?"

So I googled it and the maker is a birthmother who conceived a child because of a rape and that child was adopted. So she isn't exactly neutral or objective by any stretch of the imagination. And not to be too cynical, but a documentary which featured well-adjusted, happy, successful adult adoptees wouldn't have been nearly so attention grabbing, would it?

I know some adoptees have problems, but when you look at statistics, the bulk of them do just fine. And how many of those who have problems would have also had problems had they remained with their bio families? Who can say.? I know a lot of adopted kids, and some adults. Since these kids had beyond devoted parents, they had an advantage. The kids are not perfect, but they're well-adjusted.

This is what I had always assumed - that the majority (like the majority of bio children) are happy and well adjusted.

I'm glad you provided the additional information about the maker - very interesting. I saw the program on one of the channels that I normally consider educational (like the History Channel) but can't remember which one.

ETA: Right now, the poll is running 75% fine to 25% struggling.

 

[EMom]

As far as feeling like you do not belong, when I was young, I wondered if I was adopted because in many ways I was quite different from much of my family. Then I realized my family didn't have enough money to adopt. I am not adopted, but I was very different.

And bonding? DH has a relative with zero social skills who has never really formed close relationships with anyone, as far as I can tell. Had he been adopted, there a good chance his lack of ability to attach would have been attributed to being adopted, when it is really just the way he is.

Some of these things are impossible to assess, since you cannot exactly do a double blind study.