unhappy in a marriage

[magic mouse]

Been married for 5 years and have 1 child who is almost 9. Did not date very long, but found out I was pregnant. We stayed together to try to make a life together, but not very happy. I now have an older boyfriend who is now back in the picture and torn what to do. Do I stay in an unhappy marriage or try to start a new life? If I try to start a new life my child will be very unhappy without her dad. We do get along for the sake of our child and even have fun sometimes. I keep trying to tell myself to stay in the marriage until my child is 18, but wondering if I should take another path? Comments? Anybody with their own stories........

 

[handinpocket]

Your kid is 9 and you have been married for 5 years but didn't date very long? Color me confused. No one here can tell you what to do, we don't know your situation and there definitely isn't enough details in the OP to surmise anything. JMO.

unhappy in a marriage

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Been married for 5 years and have 1 child who is almost 9. Did not date very long, but found out I was pregnant. We stayed together to try to make a life together, but not very happy. I now have an older boyfriend who is now back in the picture and torn what to do. Do I stay in an unhappy marriage or try to start a new life? If I try to start a new life my child will be very unhappy without her dad. We do get along for the sake of our child and even have fun sometimes. I keep trying to tell myself to stay in the marriage until my child is 18, but wondering if I should take another path? Comments? Anybody with their own stories........

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

Been married for 5 years and have 1 child who is almost 9. Did not date very long, but found out I was pregnant. We stayed together to try to make a life together, but not very happy. I now have an older boyfriend who is now back in the picture and torn what to do. Do I stay in an unhappy marriage or try to start a new life? If I try to start a new life my child will be very unhappy without her dad. We do get along for the sake of our child and even have fun sometimes. I keep trying to tell myself to stay in the marriage until my child is 18, but wondering if I should take another path? Comments? Anybody with their own stories........

I think that since you already have a boyfriend and you know you're unhappy in your marriage, you already have an idea that perhaps you need to start a new life. You'll still have your kid, and that kid will still (I'm assuming) be able to see both parents.

I think you need to make you happy. Make your current DH happy as well because it seems like he's in the same boat as you...

Your child will know soon, if he/she doesn't already that something is wrong anyway.

 

[ElizK]

I'm seriously not being ugly. Honest question: what are you doing to work on your marriage?

 

[Cornhusk]

Been married for 5 years and have 1 child who is almost 9. Did not date very long, but found out I was pregnant. We stayed together to try to make a life together, but not very happy. I now have an older boyfriend who is now back in the picture and torn what to do. Do I stay in an unhappy marriage or try to start a new life? If I try to start a new life my child will be very unhappy without her dad. We do get along for the sake of our child and even have fun sometimes. I keep trying to tell myself to stay in the marriage until my child is 18, but wondering if I should take another path? Comments? Anybody with their own stories........

Maybe I am not reading this right, but are you saying you have a boyfriend AND a husband. If so you are in a mess of trouble. How is "dating long" a thing in this relationship? You didn't get to know him? You have been married to this man for five years!

Also, how could you say you didn't date long but technically your daughter would be four when you and your husband have been married and that means that you were dating your husband long enough to make a decision that you were going to be happy in this relationship. This would make sense if you had been married to your husband RIGHT after you got pregnant, you may have had a point. You entered this marriage with freewill. Your story doesn't add up.

 

[mickeyboat]

I am sorry you are feeling unhappy in your marriage.

No, you should not stay in your marriage if you are not happy, but the grass is not always greener on the other side.

Are you having an affair? If you are you are not thinking clearly enough to make a decision about your marriage.

 

[mlenz]

I thought what th OP was trying to say was they didn't date long before she got pregnant,but I could be wrong

 

[Cornhusk]

I thought what th OP was trying to say was they didn't date long before she got pregnant,but I could be wrong

If that is the case, then technically she was still "dating" her husband while she had the child.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

I thought what th OP was trying to say was they didn't date long before she got pregnant,but I could be wrong

That's what I read. Then, according to my interpretation, they got married some time after having said child.

Did not date very long, but found out I was pregnant.

So, I think OP meant they dated for a little before having a child. Not dated for a little before getting married.

Timeline: Date for a little bit of time, get pregnant, have child, decide to stick together for the kid, finally get married and make it official.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Maybe I am not reading this right, but are you saying you have a boyfriend AND a husband.

Not sure, but I think she means an old boyfriend is back in her life in general, not that she's emotionally involved with him right now - but that she could be and thinks she'd be happier.

I agree with the above posters - we need clarification, on the numbers and one what, if anything, the OP is doing or has done to improve her marriage; what she and her husband are willing to do; if either of them even wishes to continue with it. Staying together simply for the sake of the child(ren) may not be the best route.

 

[scottishduffy]

Well, I would try to work on the original marriage first. Try counseling, establish date nights, do whatever necessary to make time for just the two of you and get to know him again.

if you are truly unhappy then call it off. Your child will be upset, but that is better than her finding you cheating. At least give your husband enough respect to end the marriage before taking up with another guy. After all this time you owe him that much. Respect yourself and your DD enough not to be an adulterer.

It would be worse, in my opinion, for you two to suddenly divorce when your child is 18 and she realizes her entire upbringing has pretty much been a lie. The kids I knew i college whose parents divorced at those ages ahd a really tough time with it. Far worse than friends I had in elementary school whose parents seperated.

 

[Art 1]

If there is no abuse I think you stick it out for the kid. You have to do what's best for the child.

 

[kimblebee]

If there is no abuse I think you stick it out for the kid. You have to do what's best for the child.

I have to disagree with this. I was married for only 2 years when I decided to end my marriage. I found out that my husband was using pot a LOT more than I thought he was. It wasn't a big deal for me until I had to fight with him to get money for food before he spent it all on weed. He wasn't a druggie by a long shot but definitely didn't have his priorities in order. Since my daughter was very young she doesn't remember him living here so for her, two households is the norm. There is no way I would have stuck it out just for her sake. All 3 of us are better off this way.

 

[Ember]

If there is no abuse I think you stick it out for the kid. You have to do what's best for the child.

I disagree as well. Children are not stupid. They are very perceptive and know when things aren't right in a relationship. Staying together with an under current of unease and unhappiness isn't beneficial for anyone, especially the child.

 

[disney1990]

You need to step up and make a decision -- commit to working on your marriage (telling the old boyfriend to take a hike). You can't work on your marriage if you have somebody waiting in the wings.

Or you need to end your marriage and decide if the boyfriend is the person that you want to try to make a new start with.

Have two people in the picture only clouds everything.

 

[Art 1]

I have to disagree with this. I was married for only 2 years when I decided to end my marriage. I found out that my husband was using pot a LOT more than I thought he was. It wasn't a big deal for me until I had to fight with him to get money for food before he spent it all on weed. He wasn't a druggie by a long shot but definitely didn't have his priorities in order. Since my daughter was very young she doesn't remember him living here so for her, two households is the norm. There is no way I would have stuck it out just for her sake. All 3 of us are better off this way.

I would agree, there was abuse there. His using drugs is child abuse and IMO you did the right thing.

 

[luvmy3]

I think you should focus on what it takes to save your marriage and make it a happy one, and right now having an older boyfriend in the picture won't help you do that, it will only cloud your judgement.
If you and your dh try everything to make it work an dit doesn't then end the marriage for everyone's sake including your childs. I dont think you should spend the rest of your life in an unhappy marriage because you have kids, they need happy loving parents even if they aren't together.

 

[kimblebee]

No, it wasn't child abuse. He just had his head up his butt.

 

[tasha99]

If it's just that you're feeling a 9 year itch, work on it, but if there is really something fundamentally wrong with your relationship that you don't think can be fixed, get a divorce. Do not stay with someone for the children--big, big mistake. I did that and was miserable for 10 years that I will never get back. Children are damaged by staying in dysfunctional families just as much as they are by divorce, if not more.

 

[BC]

If you already have a "boyfriend", then it doesn't sound like you have any intentions of staying in this marriage. If you are planning on getting involved with this old boyfriend, please end the marriage before you start another relationship. It is the RIGHT thing to do, not just for your husband but everyone involved. Adultery is not the answer. It can cost you more than you bargain for in so many ways.