Ugh: vent - my spouse - hold me back

[themilesfamily]

Here's my update and it is oh so lovely:

I talked to DH tonight on the phone and I told him that the floor had scratches in it from the furniture.

He went on a total rant. He said he hates our house, he hates the cats, (the reason we're having the carpets cleaned and that he had to move the furniture is because one of the cats had a urinary tract infection and urinated around the house), he didn't want to move the furniture in the first place, he hates having to deal with issues around the house. And then he swore for about two minutes straight and hung up on me.

I called him back and eventually he calmed down, but he said he just doesn't want to hear about it.

The ironic thing is, after I got off the phone with him, I went to scrub the bathroom floor and there's a giant leak coming from the toilet. We're clearly going to need a plumber in the morning. Any votes on whether I should call DH and inform him of THAT? I think, if I do, he may just not come home, period!

ETA: He did say he thought he was being careful and didn't realize there were scratches in the floor.

 

[Hannathy]

Any votes on whether I should call DH and inform him of THAT? I think, if I do, he may just not come home, period!

I'm saying this with all sincerity and with a lot more years behind me but you need to think would that be such a bad idea?

He sounds very immature and you sound light years ahead of him along those lines. I hope you have a good support system behind you, you may need it.

 

[themilesfamily]

I'm saying this with all sincerity and with a lot more years behind me but you need to think would that be such a bad idea?

He sounds very immature and you sound light years ahead of him along those lines. I hope you have a good support system behind you, you may need it.

I agree. His response was totally inappropriate. It's virtually impossible to own a home with someone who takes this kind of an attitude. Ugh. I'm going to bed and will deal with it in the morning.

 

[Andy B]

It would appear that the furniture was too heavy to carry so had to be pushed and dragged and so getting it to the garage was too difficult. Perhaps you should have done it together rather than telling him.

 

[Friendly Frog]

Oh no, you may have one like mine. If I had a dollar for ever time he THOUGHT he was being careful, or thought it would be ok, or ...


Try the lemon oil first. If that doesn't work, get an estimate on the floor. It might not be as expensive as you think.

good luck!

PS-It really might be best to always do projects together in the future. Less re-work.

 

[NMAmy]

I don't get this attitude of not being able to express displeasure with a spouse who does something careless or destructive! So what if it causes a fight. Married couples fight. I'd much rather argue than sit and let it stew until I couldn't take it anymore.

I agree. There was a thread the other day where much outrage was expressed when a DH did not rinse out a bowl. That's a big old "whatever" for me but I'm surprised that a thread where a husband has done this kind of damage and is so rude to the OP has generated the advice to let it go--he's too delicate to be bothered with tht kind of chore. Having someone to love who treats you like crap doesn't seem like a great trade off to me.

OP--I'm sorry you're going through this and I'm sorry your husband is being so rude to you about it.

 

[tttessa]

I would also remember one persons ruined floor is another persons little scratch.... Maybe he did scratch it, but doesn't think it is that bad.

That is not to say he shouldn't fix it!

Tessa

 

[Tinkh]

Here's my update and it is oh so lovely:

I talked to DH tonight on the phone and I told him that the floor had scratches in it from the furniture.

He went on a total rant. He said he hates our house, he hates the cats, (the reason we're having the carpets cleaned and that he had to move the furniture is because one of the cats had a urinary tract infection and urinated around the house), he didn't want to move the furniture in the first place, he hates having to deal with issues around the house. And then he swore for about two minutes straight and hung up on me.

I called him back and eventually he calmed down, but he said he just doesn't want to hear about it.

The ironic thing is, after I got off the phone with him, I went to scrub the bathroom floor and there's a giant leak coming from the toilet. We're clearly going to need a plumber in the morning. Any votes on whether I should call DH and inform him of THAT? I think, if I do, he may just not come home, period!

ETA: He did say he thought he was being careful and didn't realize there were scratches in the floor.

WOW. Swore for two minutes and just went off? I would hate that so much. Sorry for this I could not stand that kind of behavior from anyone, let alone my husband.

 

[Mermaid02]

Here's my update and it is oh so lovely:

I talked to DH tonight on the phone and I told him that the floor had scratches in it from the furniture.

He went on a total rant. He said he hates our house, he hates the cats, (the reason we're having the carpets cleaned and that he had to move the furniture is because one of the cats had a urinary tract infection and urinated around the house), he didn't want to move the furniture in the first place, he hates having to deal with issues around the house. And then he swore for about two minutes straight and hung up on me.

I called him back and eventually he calmed down, but he said he just doesn't want to hear about it.

The ironic thing is, after I got off the phone with him, I went to scrub the bathroom floor and there's a giant leak coming from the toilet. We're clearly going to need a plumber in the morning. Any votes on whether I should call DH and inform him of THAT? I think, if I do, he may just not come home, period!

ETA: He did say he thought he was being careful and didn't realize there were scratches in the floor.

WOW! I'm sorry OP- what is wrong with him? That's a lot of anger.

 

[themilesfamily]

WOW! I'm sorry OP- what is wrong with him? That's a lot of anger.

He's been extra-frustrated around the house lately because he's had to do a lot of the "heavy lifting stuff." I have a partially-torn rotator cuff in the left shoulder -- so some of the stuff that I used to just jump up and do is now stuff I have to ask him to do. And he HATES doing stuff around the house. Absolutely loathes it.

Anyway, I'm off to get some floor-repair stuff today and I'll see how that goes!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I won't play armchair psychologist...so I will just share my instinct....

OP, something ain't right with your DH and you are witnessing symptoms to a much greater problem than a house requiring too much work.

Sorry that you have to deal with it.

 

[JLTraveling]

OP, I am so sorry you're going through this. BTDT, and for many reasons the marriage did not work out. I sincerely hope that yours doesn't get to that point.

You need to stand your ground. This isn't really about the floor or the cat or the house in general. This is about a grown man with an injured wife who whines and yells and scratches newly redone floors because it's so "hard" on him to step up and take care of things. Poor little baby. Sometimes adults just have to put on their big kid underwear and do things anyway.

Of course he says he was being careful. He probably was, in his own mind (compared to the brute force throwing things around he probably felt more like doing). But if he was that PO'd about the job in the first place, there's no way he was genuinely looking for the least damaging way to do it.

You don't have to yell, but don't sweep this under the rug. If you do, you're just rewarding the very behavior that (understandably) drives you nuts. Over time, it'll get even worse. Go toe to toe with him (nicely and calmly, of course), and explain how you expect him to treat you. No, you're not in control of him, but you have an absolute right to decide how you want to be treated. It'll take work, but it is possible to change the status quo. Best of luck

ETA: I should say, you can change the status quo as long as the marriage is equally important to both of you. The reason mine didn't work out was that my husband wasn't particularly interested in being married. He was more interested in being taken care of. So he ended up at his ex's house, sitting on her couch eating bon bons. And it was the best thing that could have happened to me.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I agree. The OP's DH is PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE.

Yes, THIS.....

The OP's account of what happened, and what her husband's normal reaction might be... definite, classic.... Passive Aggressive.

The floors aren't the OP's biggest issue here.

 

[Christine]

Without pyschoanalyzing your husband: homeownership isn't for everyone. I am starting to feel like your husband (without the outbursts). I'm just sick of it and everything has to be done. It consumes a lot of my time. A lot of the heavy work does fall to my husband and he pretty much hates it too. We need an apartment.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

I am a female. Since, I obviously couldn't lift it by myself, I tilted up each edge & stuck a thick piece of cardboard under each corner, so it wouldn't scrape across the floor as I slid it. I have also used folded up newspaper, or towels, & went out & got furniture slides for other times I've had to move too heavy furniture.

That's exactly what I do. When I was a teenager, on days off I'd get in a mood to rearrange my room which had hardwood floors. I would just stick a blanket under whatever I needed to move and move it. You can move really heavy things that way.

 

[Hillbeans]

I generally don't try and comment on threads like this since I know that no one is perfect and everyone is entitled to having a bad day and all marriages have small issues, but for him to say that he hates the house, the cats, moving furniture, etc...I know that we all have moments but for him to rant and hang up when you were obviously upset is not ok - something is up. It's as if he doesn't even care that he ruined your new flooring, not that it should matter at all how it was paid for.

 

[GothTink]

Just an FYI: Always put those little felt stickies on the bottom of furniture that will be placed on wood floors.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I really feel bad for you OP, it sounds to me like the work you had done meant a lot to you. I like the markers that cover scratches, they do a really good job.
As an aside, maybe it's best if you do not ask your DH for help in the future, Walmart carries little disks which make moving furniture quick, easy and non destructive.

 

[Arielle22]

In my house DH handles the repairs because he is good at it. OP, if you are better at the house tasks than your DH, perhaps you should handle the repairs, even if it means calling in help.

I have been married almost 25 years to a passive-agressive man and recently DH installed hardwood floors in most of our rooms. He would have been livid if I scratched up the floors and it would have resulted in a big fight. The fight would have been over my thoughtlessness rather than the actual scratches.

I try not to make judgement calls on these types of threads because what is written is not usually indicative of the entire relationship. However I will say that you might want to give your relationship some thought, where you are heading and is it where you want to be.

DH did install circles on all our furniture. The circles are not felt but some sort of plastic that will not scratch but allow the furniture to move easily (as we found out in our bed one night, whoops!)

 

[sbell111]

WOW. Swore for two minutes and just went off? I would hate that so much. Sorry for this I could not stand that kind of behavior from anyone, let alone my husband.

Your husband is never allowed to vent around you? Really?

I generally don't try and comment on threads like this since I know that no one is perfect and everyone is entitled to having a bad day and all marriages have small issues, but for him to say that he hates the house, the cats, moving furniture, etc...I know that we all have moments but for him to rant and hang up when you were obviously upset is not ok - something is up. It's as if he doesn't even care that he ruined your new flooring, not that it should matter at all how it was paid for.

1. It is not obvious to me that she was upset about the scratches when she was on the phone. She merely stated that she talked to him and told him about the scratches. However, even if she was upset, does that mean that he no longer has the right to vent about home (and cat) ownership?
2. The floors are not 'hers'. They are 'theirs'.
3. The floors are apparently not 'new'.
4. No where in her post did it suggest that he didn't care about the damage. In fact, I would argue that the very fact that it illicited such a vent from her husband is because he does care.

Just an FYI: Always put those little felt stickies on the bottom of furniture that will be placed on wood floors.

It should be noted that those felt stickies will not protect against scratches. If you slide the piece across teh floor and a tiny piece of grit gets caught between the felt and the foot of the item, you will get a huge scratch on the wood floors. (The came goes for those plastic thingies.) Don't ask me why I know this.