Ugh the terrible 20s

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

while i knew there was an optional parent's orientation i didn't realize it was going to an introductory overview to 'how you are an essential part of your child's college team'. several hours later dh and i walk out of our session and we've been 'schooled' on the who/what/when/where/why of college costs/advising/academic timelines/services...

That's the same type of parent's orientation my mom had back in 2006. While she was in parent's orientation I was in my own. Certain stuff didn't apply to her because she was not providing financial assistance to me but it was still good information for her to know.

Legally there is only so much universities can share with parents. My mom only got a few select things-like flyers for parent's weekend stuff like that. I'm not sure my mom got anything about registration. That stuff would have been sent to her house but not addressed to her; at least not that I remember. That's a bit much to send stuff on what you the parent should have been doing during summer I'll agree with you there.

 

[Hikergirl]

Exactly.

My 22 year old has been “adulting” since she started high school. She works full time, pays her own bills including tuition, buys her own necessities, has her Associates and will have her Bachelors in the Fall. She busts her butt and makes her own decisions. But...sometimes she still needs her mom.

Parenting an adult is hard because you walk that fine line of wanting to do for them and letting go so they can do it on their own. You have to learn to step back and keep your mouth shut even when you know they’re going to crash and burn. It’s stopping yourself from inserting yourself into a situation and being there when asked.

I don’t think you ever stop parenting. My dad never did. I never hesitated to ask his advice even long after having a family and life of my own.

Yes to the bolded. There will be some times in our kids' lives that it is easier and that just depends on so many things.
I'm lucky right now my adult kids are fairly easy, but in a year, or 2 or 3? Who knows.

 

[barkley]

I don’t get anything from dd22 and ds20’s universities, except I think graduation information (Dd graduated from a huge school with 2 separate ceremonies for her program and class). I get most information by following the Twitter feeds. I am getting emails from the colleges dd17 is accepted at.

i'm STILL getting stuff, only now it's 'show your alumni parental pride by helping the next generation with a generous donation' or 'time to do your estate planning? consider remembering the educational institution that was and continues to be a vital part of your child's lifelong learning experience- with an endowment'

 

[mom2rtk]

i'm STILL getting stuff, only now it's 'show your alumni parental pride by helping the next generation with a generous donation' or 'time to do your estate planning? consider remembering the educational institution that was and continues to be a vital part of your child's lifelong learning experience- with an endowment'

I get regular communication from my university. We get occasional mail from my husband's. We get it from both of our sons' schools. We are now getting a lot from the school my daughter will attend this fall. We even get may from my late FIL's school. And he's been dead for 15 years. It's crazy.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

That's the same type of parent's orientation my mom had back in 2006. While she was in parent's orientation I was in my own. Certain stuff didn't apply to her because she was not providing financial assistance to me but it was still good information for her to know.

Legally there is only so much universities can share with parents. My mom only got a few select things-like flyers for parent's weekend stuff like that. I'm not sure my mom got anything about registration. That stuff would have been sent to her house but not addressed to her; at least not that I remember. That's a bit much to send stuff on what you the parent should have been doing during summer I'll agree with you there.

There is a waiver the student can sign that allows parents to get information. I don't do it (I have enough on my plate) but I have a good friend who does, and I'm betting there are probably lots of others who do, as well, for reasons I've already stated which are largely financial. An extra semester can easily cost many thousands of dollars, so in some ways I can see where these parents are coming from. They don't care that people at school make fun of them. (Yes, I've seen posted here before from someone who worked at a college talking about the names they made up for "those" parents.)

ETA Oh, and I did happen to get a glance at DS's school email one day by accident when he had signed into it on my iPad to show me something. When I went to log onto my Outlook work account, it came up as his school account. Anyway, after seeing it I was glad I didn't get it because it was all reminders about things! No way do I want to be seeing all those X2 kids!

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I get regular communication from my university. We get occasional mail from my husband's. We get it from both of our sons' schools. We are now getting a lot from the school my daughter will attend this fall. We even get may from my late FIL's school. And he's been dead for 15 years. It's crazy.

In terms of after graduation-over the years mine figured out my addresses over the years and then eventually that my husband and I live together, they figured out my name changed. I'll assume they know we're married but it's never been explicitly stated. We've never contacted them to update our information so they've used other methods. Each year we get a calendar (though they keep paring down what they give), we get news about the University, invites to events, and many other things, plus phone calls from the alumni association (often on a Sunday night) , plus text messages from current students reaching out to alumni, and many more things.

My mom gets nothing-it's all sent to me. She may have gotten something immediately after I graduated but other than that nothing.

 

[HeyIt'sMe]

I'm glad I'm not alone!

I have a 21yo DD that just graduated from college last month with a business degree. She's in the process of looking for a job in her field of study and is stressing that she'll never find a job even though she *just* started looking. She's currently working the serving/bartending job that she had while she was in school. (She lived/lives at home and commuted to a local university)

She came home from work yesterday and was excited because she got called for an interview. It's for a financial services professional job at New York Life. I don't think she knew what she was applying for and I know this is the not the kind of job she wants - selling insurance and/or financial services, being tasked with building a client base, being paid by commission. I told her it was good she got called for an interview but I didn't think it was the kind of job she was looking for. But, interviews are a 2-way street and she was there to interview them just as much as they were interviewing her and she could get more information on the specifics of the job. And even if it wasn't the job she wanted the interview practice would be good. Her response was "Mom, why can't you be more supportive?".

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

There is a waiver the student can sign that allows parents to get information. I don't do it (I have enough on my plate) but I have a good friend who does, and I'm betting there are probably lots of others who do, as well, for reasons I've already stated which are largely financial. An extra semester can easily cost many thousands of dollars, so in some ways I can see where these parents are coming from. They don't care that people at school make fun of them. (Yes, I've seen posted here before from someone who worked at a college talking about the names they made up for "those" parents.)

I know there's a waiver but there's still only so much legally universities can share with parents even with the waiver.

The waiver doesn't allow you a free for all anyways. At least not from my alma mater. The student can individually select categories or the entire Delegate Account can be disabled; it's a fluid permission meaning it can be revoked by the student at any time. They've changed the terminology and Delegate is what they use to denote who has been granted access. The student can select that the delegate only have information for financial reasons (which is broken up into finaicial aid, 1098-Ts, balance owed on their account) or only for grade reasons, or class schedule, etc or they can select all to give more access. A Delegate can also be granted separately to make payments towards the student's account.

I never knew anyone who signed the waiver (though I suppose they could have been not telling the truth which is their prerogative) and I was only one of the few I knew that was paying for college on their own. Most others had parental assistance in some fashion.

 

[barkley]

none of the stuff i've gotten (or still get) has anything to do with the waiver form. this is stuff for the university as a whole and then some department (major) specific stuff. i suspect that the mailing address for us was gotten when dd applied (while in high school) so even though she got her own address while attending-the university captured the information as 'parental contact'. same w/the email reminders-i seem to remember the applications asking for both the student's and the parent's email contact information so despite any reported changes by the student, that parental email address is eternally on the university's mailing data base.

 

[Turksmom]

Is it worse than 12 year olds? Is there no light at the end of the tunnel???

Mine are 20, 18, 13, and 11. I feel your pain! There are definitely advantages as they get older- last week when I had a migraine, the 18 yo took it upon herself to pick up dinner for the family.

 

[Snowysmom]

I have a magnet on my fridge that says "The first 40 years of parenting are the hardest." It says it all! Mine are 33 and 29.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Oh please.
My 20 year old is married, has a full time job ....

Are you kidding me...
With the 'OHHHH PUHLEAZE....'
That poster had said, in effect, an adult in their 20's should be "raised and on their own..". as in working, etc.. (Not living at home indefinately, expecting to be taken care of like an insolent 5 year old or adolescent).
If that is the case with your and yours, then hey, great!
But, I see no reason to issue an attack and personal judgement about the statement the other poster made here.
But, then again... hey.

There is a huge, huge, difference in having a positive ongoing relationship with a 20-something adult, with appropriate personal boundaries, and 'parenting'.

I am not so sure that married at turning 20, and having a job that ended up being furloughed and having to work two jobs is such a great and wonderful situation either.
But....

 

[Wishing on a star]

I guess it depends on what you define “parenting” as, at least when it comes to 20-somethings. I turn to my mom for parental guidance all the time, and have constantly throughout my 20s. I don’t live with her, I don’t need her to take care of me, but I don’t think I could get her to stop “parenting” me if I tried!

Gotta love this one!!!!
I wonder if, maybe, somebody is complaining about 'parenting' an adult 20-something, they could possibly need to examine what 'parenting' is and/or should be, and how they are possibly a part of the equation.

Having said that, I have our adult son, who has had some level of special needs issues, living here at home. He does, and always has, worked. Has a decent full time job and accruing a good work resume... But, I will be the first to admit... I will be glad when he is out of our house!

 

[sjrec]

You’re kind of a sounding board as opposed to the active parenting you did when they were younger. You never stop worrying, that’s for sure.

 

[disneyeveryyear]

i have to ask-are the colleges to some extent asking for this/encouraging this?

i ask b/c i can't believe all the communications dd's former university sent the parents of students the entire time she attended (graduated this past june). when i went to college back in the stone age (late 70's and on) i took care of everything on my own and i don't recall my mom ever getting any communications. flash forward to when dd starts attending in 2013 and while i knew there was an optional parent's orientation i didn't realize it was going to an introductory overview to 'how you are an essential part of your child's college team'. several hours later dh and i walk out of our session and we've been 'schooled' on the who/what/when/where/why of college costs/advising/academic timelines/services...then the mass e-mails start. we get the timeline ones on what WE/THE PARENTS should have accomplished 'for your student' at different points in the summer prior to attendance, the 'reminder' emails about registration, forms that need to be done, important upcoming dates. these continue through the years and then it's all the graduation information-again, with parent 'to do' lists.

i would check w/dd to see if she was doing the stuff on these lists, some she knew to/some she didn't-but the university wasn't sending the same information to the students, it was like they PLANNED on parents taking care of certain aspects and disseminating vital information to the students.

it was an entirely different experience than dh and i anticipated for dd and not one that i planned on/wanted to have to have so much personal hands on involvement with but it certainly seemed to be set up that way.

As the mother of a DS24 and DD19, I can tell you I have never received ANY information from their universities. DS went to a state university and DD attends a religion-based out-of-state private university. I did ask them to sign up so I could see financial and grade information, but that is all. (My rule has always been, if you are living inside my check-book, I get to know your grades). Even though I believe I have "access" to DD's info, it is not sent to me. I always have to ask her when tuition is due, etc. The only reason we knew graduation date for DS, was that his University holds it on the 2nd Saturday of May (every year). As it is a fairly large school in a small-town, I had to know the date to be able to book hotel rooms.

I am also, NOT, a helicopter mom. My mantra has always been that "God gave me babies, and it is our job to turn them into functioning adults." So far, I think we have done a good job. Do they still call looking for advice? Of course they do. We give our best advice and then leave it up to them to make the decision. Is it exasperating sometimes if they don't listen? Of course it is, but don't we all do that at times?

All in all, I love being a mom to kids of this age. It sure beats the "thrilling threes" and the "troublesome teens."

 

[luvsJack]

I know there's a waiver but there's still only so much legally universities can share with parents even with the waiver.

The waiver doesn't allow you a free for all anyways. At least not from my alma mater. The student can individually select categories or the entire Delegate Account can be disabled; it's a fluid permission meaning it can be revoked by the student at any time. They've changed the terminology and Delegate is what they use to denote who has been granted access. The student can select that the delegate only have information for financial reasons (which is broken up into finaicial aid, 1098-Ts, balance owed on their account) or only for grade reasons, or class schedule, etc or they can select all to give more access. A Delegate can also be granted separately to make payments towards the student's account.

I never knew anyone who signed the waiver (though I suppose they could have been not telling the truth which is their prerogative) and I was only one of the few I knew that was paying for college on their own. Most others had parental assistance in some fashion.

If the student chooses "all records" then yes, they can legally share all of it. Its up to the student just like its up to the patient in medical settings.

Most of our student do sign one. Its electronic and totally up to them. Parents can't even get to the form if the student doesn't give them their log in. But most of them (many of who are well into their 20's) WANT to give their parents the ability to take care of things. Funny enough, 10 years ago, not even half our students signed it.

 

[luvsJack]

Are you kidding me...
With the 'OHHHH PUHLEAZE....'
That poster had said, in effect, an adult in their 20's should be "raised and on their own..". as in working, etc.. (Not living at home indefinately, expecting to be taken care of like an insolent 5 year old or adolescent).
If that is the case with your and yours, then hey, great!
But, I see no reason to issue an attack and personal judgement about the statement the other poster made here.
But, then again... hey.

There is a huge, huge, difference in having a positive ongoing relationship with a 20-something adult, with appropriate personal boundaries, and 'parenting'.

I am not so sure that married at turning 20, and having a job that ended up being furloughed and having to work two jobs is such a great and wonderful situation either.
But....

The poster you are defending so vehemently basically declared anyone referring "parenting" their 20 year old as not doing a good job as a parent. It was hardly an attack but you seem to have a very skewed idea of that that words means anyway.

"Parenting" can mean many things. And being there as a an older, wiser, person to guide and to advise is part of being a parent.

And how dare you judge my daughter? You have no idea what you are even talking about. Do you honestly think she had some control over being furloughed? Seriously? She is working two jobs because she can work the hours around at those jobs and still fill in at her furloughed job when someone else calls in. Also, she got a promotion WHILE FURLOUGHED. So will be in a better position when she goes back. Its not the greatest situation but she is dealing with LIKE AN ADULT, in the best way possible.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

If the student chooses "all records" then yes, they can legally share all of it. Its up to the student just like its up to the patient in medical settings.

I don't think you understood what I was saying. There is still information that cannot be legally shared. You can't call up the school's health center for example and say "I saw this bill for this what was my student there for", etc; something to that effect even if not that exact same scenario.

I'm not saying the University can't share what information they've been given permission to. I'm just saying the Access the student gives is not for everything under the sun.

My alma mater, the Delegate form is for the following information:

Schedule only: view enrollment and course schedules for the current term.

Grades & Course History: view past semester course enrollment and officially posted grades for those courses.

Student Financials: includes access to the account balance, summary of current charges/payments, review of past activity, and view/print current and prior bills.

Student Financials 1098-T: grants access to current and prior year 1098-Ts. Students must grant consent to receive the 1098-T online before delegates are able to access this information in their delegate account.

Financial Aid: includes financial aid awards summary, satisfactory academic progress, scheduled disbursement dates, expected family contribution, cost of attendance, shopping sheet, and to-do lists.

Students may revoke access at any time.

Each of those things listed in bold are categories the student can give access to. I could totally see a student thinking it would be much easier to give their parent access to the 1098-T form for tax purposes but not want their parent access to their grades. Same with the Financial Aid aspect. Expected Family Contribution can be important information from FAFSA. Or it can be as simple as giving the parent the knowledge of their class schedule so if something comes up they know they *should* be in English 101 from 9-10am MWF. I'm just saying I knew no one who did that unless they weren't actually telling the truth. But to your point times change so it could be the case that now there's a higher percentage of students who give at least some form of access.

 

[barkley]

I have a magnet on my fridge that says "The first 40 years of parenting are the hardest." It says it all! Mine are 33 and 29.

my mother said one of the hardest days of her life was when the first of her 'babies' turned 50, it was just jarring to her to be buying her BABY a birthday card from the section characterized with 'over the hill' comments.

 

[Kitty 34]

My Mom was saying today how crazy it is to have her oldest DD (me) turning 65 next week as she's telling me not to leave the house with the dryer running. Yes, Ma, I know.....but you know what, at my age I guess I'm fortunate to have a Mom still around let alone thinking she still has to "parent" me sometimes. Love ya, Ma!