Ugh... I really hurt my mom's feelings

[singingpixie]

So, I got an email from my mom tonight. Apparently, she was in my room and missing me so she was going through my old textbooks and stuff on my bookshelf and stumbled across an old journal. I was never really a journal-writer, so if I remember correctly this was given to me as a gift, and I wrote in it maybe three times.

Anyway, she read it, and apparently there was some really hurtful things in there about her. I don't remember the details (it was probably 9 years ago?) at all, but it sounds from her email like it was general teenage angsty melodramatic crap (I don't think my mom loves me, I'm not good enough, blah blah blah) which was totally in my head and not about her. All of my friends at the time were having family issues, and I think I just blew mine (if I could even legitimately call them "issues") up to match because I thought that's what teenagers were supposed to do.

On a slightly tangental note, and if I remember correctly, there may have been things in there about sex and drinking and drugs too... but she didn't mention any of that.

In any case, I feel awful about hurting her feelings (it's a journal- I never thought she'd read it!) and also slightly angry that she did read it. I was stupid to leave it there when I moved out years ago, but honestly I'd forgotten all about it. I emailed her and explained that it was all in my head and that I can't remember feeling the way she described for any length of time- that I'm guessing we'd just argued about something and I was being particularly melodramatic- but I don't know if it's enough. Yeah, this really sucks.

 

[DisneyJules]

That's really not fair to you. No one should be reading your journal, especially your mother. A journal is a place to vent. I would hate for anyone to read mine. I'm sure I've ranted about my parents before and to look back on it, I'm sure I was just angry and upset in the moment. It's a place to vent. I wouldn't feel bad, she shouldn't have been going through your things.

 

[singingpixie]

That's really not fair to you. No one should be reading your journal, especially your mother. A journal is a place to vent. I would hate for anyone to read mine. I'm sure I've ranted about my parents before and to look back on it, I'm sure I was just angry and upset in the moment. It's a place to vent. I wouldn't feel bad, she shouldn't have been going through your things.

I know that, and part of me is really angry that she did read it.... but it doesn't stop my from feeling badly that I hurt her.

 

[weregoingtodw]

Many hugs... you sound like a wonderful daughter to be so very concerned about your mother's feelings, even as you're upset that she invaded your privacy.

 

[transparant]

She's your mom....she knows you better than anyone else in the whole world. I'm sure she knows how much you love her.

As for reading the journal - don't be to mad at her, she's only human.

 

[Biscuitsmom31]

I'm sure you're mom will understand. She was a kid once too. Try not to beat yourself up over it. She just needs some time to digest it.

On the bright side, maybe she doesn't miss you as much!
(tacky joke - I couldn't resist)

 

[singingpixie]

I'm sure you're mom will understand. She was a kid once too. Try not to beat yourself up over it. She just needs some time to digest it.

On the bright side, maybe she doesn't miss you as much!
(tacky joke - I couldn't resist)

I hope you're right.... she tends to be sensitive in general about whether or not she does things right, and she ended the email with "I'm sorry I didn't get it right. I hope you have forgiven me and that you can find your happiness despite your feelings about me and how I mishandled things." I just feel awful.

 

[MAKmom]

She never should have read but since she did she should have sucked it up & kept quite about it

 

[Linzybrooke]

I hope you're right.... she tends to be sensitive in general about whether or not she does things right, and she ended the email with "I'm sorry I didn't get it right. I hope you have forgiven me and that you can find your happiness despite your feelings about me and how I mishandled things." I just feel awful.

I have to say that that closing remark really comes across as a cheap shot. My mom is sensitive about similar issues and on occasion says things like that to me, and they drive me nuts. I'm really sorry about whats going on.

 

[beckmrk04]

I hope you're right.... she tends to be sensitive in general about whether or not she does things right, and she ended the email with "I'm sorry I didn't get it right. I hope you have forgiven me and that you can find your happiness despite your feelings about me and how I mishandled things." I just feel awful.

1) That email is passive-agressive and 2) a teenage journal is BOUND to have parent-hating in it. My mom would rather cut off her right arm than read what I wrote about her in my journal- she knows better.

Journals are not meant to be public. Unless they are blogs. Then- watch out. They aren't supposed to be read by anyone else.

My mom did a lot of things that, well, I wish had been different, but one thing she never did was invade my privacy- as much for her as for me. It's literally asking for it.

I'm sorry this is happening though. Can you call her and explain that, while it was never meant for her to read, it also wasn't a mature assesment of life and that you wouldn't write the same things today that you wrote 9 years ago?

 

[singingpixie]

1) That email is passive-agressive and 2) a teenage journal is BOUND to have parent-hating in it. My mom would rather cut off her right arm than read what I wrote about her in my journal- she knows better.

Journals are not meant to be public. Unless they are blogs. Then- watch out. They aren't supposed to be read by anyone else.

My mom did a lot of things that, well, I wish had been different, but one thing she never did was invade my privacy- as much for her as for me. It's literally asking for it.

I'm sorry this is happening though. Can you call her and explain that, while it was never meant for her to read, it also wasn't a mature assesment of life and that you wouldn't write the same things today that you wrote 9 years ago?

That's basically what I said in my email reply. and yes, I know it's a cheap shot and I'm not particularly happy about it... but I know she has to be hurt to use a cheap shot like that, which is why I feel like crap. Doesn't make me any less angry about the fact that she read it (or at myself for not remembering and getting rid of it), but it doesn't mean I think she deserves to feel this way.

 

[minniecarousel]

As a Mom, I know what it's like to wander into you kids' room after they've moved out (or they're away at college). It's tempting to snoop, but I would ask myself: "what if I don't like what I find"? That stopped me every time.

It's sweet that you're concerned about your Mom's feelings. Bring it up one more time and explain that since you can't remember any horrid instances of extreme hatred toward her, that it must have been that well-known teen-age girl melodrama. Then let it drop. She knows that she shouldn't have been snooping and she probably feels bad about it too.

 

[DisneyJules]

I understand you feel badly about it. But it seems like you're genuinely sorry. Your mom would have to understand that you had written these things many years ago at a time when you were probably going through a lot of changes. Apologize and let it go.

 

[beckmrk04]

That's basically what I said in my email reply. and yes, I know it's a cheap shot and I'm not particularly happy about it... but I know she has to be hurt to use a cheap shot like that, which is why I feel like crap. Doesn't make me any less angry about the fact that she read it (or at myself for not remembering and getting rid of it), but it doesn't mean I think she deserves to feel this way.

Of course not. I didn't mean to imply that you should be happy that your mom feels hurt. Sorry if that's the way my post sounded, because it wasn't intended.

 

[liamsaunt]

Wow. I remember when my little brother moved out of the house he left a bunch of stuff behind and I came to help my Mom clear out his room along with the rest of the place (they were moving). I found his journal in a pile of junk. First, I could not believe he kept a journal! I flipped through it, and, well, saw stuff like you said to some degree. And other things embarrassing the ways journals always are...I took it. I brought it to my house and got rid of it without reading anything else in it. I told him I found it and got rid of it. He told me that he was grateful that I found it and not our Mom. He said if she had read it she would have been very hurt.

It's too bad your Mom read your journal, but her email was not fair either. She can't call you out on something you wrote nine years ago! That's why sometimes email can be the worst form of communication...it's easy to crank out a howler...or even create one without realizing you are doing it. Just give her a call and apologize. You'll probably end up laughing about it after a bit.

Note to self: finally get rid of that suitcase full of journals from high school and college in the back of your storage closet!!

 

[douglisa]

It was over 9 yrs ago? Not to be harsh but she should just get over it. That was a long time ago. If you just explain it to her how you explained it to us I am sure she will see how silly she is being. Just be sure to tell her how much you love her and what a great job she did and you two should be fine. GL

 

[MsLeFever]

Did you ever see the Everyone Loves Raymond where Marie finds an old diary of Raymonds (written in "code") that says "I ehat my mom". She gets upset for days....finally he writes "I elov my mom" in the diary and gives it to her.

Maybe it is time to write a love letter to mom....

 

[lilyv]

Meg-My DD is 25. I would never, ever read something like that for two reasons.
1. It's not my business
2. At this point in her life, there is nothing to be gained by revisiting adolescence/early college years.

I'm sorry your Mom didn't think it through before opening an old journal. I'm hoping you can say, "Ya know, Mom, I've grown up. Don't judge me by what I wrote when I was a work in progress. I've turned out pretty good, so lets just leave it there, OK?"

Best of luck to you-hope it works out.

 

[Chattyaholic]

I think your mother was 100% wrong in reading your journal. She had no right to read it, so really it's her own fault if she feels hurt by anything you wrote. That'll teach her to keep her nose out of where it doesn't belong.

And you said it was 9 years ago? She needs to let it go. And she needs to realize that most teenagers have problems with their parents and hate them from time to time. Don't take it personal.

It's your relationship now that counts. She should realize that. If you get along well NOW, that's really the only thing that's important.

 

[java]

She is being childish to address something that you wrote 9 years ago as a child! Now that you are an adult how is your relationship? I'm a mom and we do make mistakes. Maybe she just needs a little attention now. Perhaps send her a card telling her what she really means to you and how you feel about her NOW! That is what matters. She'll get over I think. Although one year when I was away at college I forgot my Mom's birthday. My friend's father had died and we were at the funeral and I lost track of days - so I called her a day late. That was 22 years ago and she still brings it up.