Ugh. I messed up.

[minkydog]

I will not be getting my Mother of the Year award this year. I took my DH, DD17, and DS15 out to dinner today. It was a spur of the moment thing. We had been camping at the lake and it is blisteringly hot here, so we came home a day early. Of course, there was nothing to eat at home, so I just made a quick decision "let's go out for lunch." So we gathered everyone up and off we went.

We returned home and DS23 came over unexpectedly. He was looking for some (free) lunch. He lives elsewhere. When he found out we had been out to lunch he got upset--"You didn't even call me for Father's Day lunch?"

I am really upset with myself. I should have called him. However, I really thought he'd be asleep. He frequently sleeps all day and gets up around 5pm. But I should have called him anyway, even if he got upset that I woke him up.

So now he's pouting, even though I have apologized several times. He told me "that's okay, I know I'm not your favorite." I"d like to say I don't have favorites, but I do. And it's not the one he thinks (DD). It's Christian. Christian is the only one who never gets upset, has never said "I hate you, I wish you would die", has never argued or tried to manipulate me. So, yeah, if I must be truthful, Christian is my favorite. But I never would say that to my other kids and I certainly do not slight them on purpose. It was just a neglectful act on my part, and I'm very sorry.

Of course, I have to say if DS was soooo inclined to celebrate Father's Day, HE could have called his dad and invited him to lunch. HE could have brought over a card and a gift, or at least come out to the campground 20 minutes away to spend some time with him for free. DS is very self-centered, if you want the truth. It's always all about him. So DH is actually not all that upset. But I'm upset enough for all of us.

Ugh. I wish I could go back to bed and start this day over...

 

[LilyWDW]

He's 23. He's an adult. If he wanted to spend Father's Day with you all, then he should have contacted you. It is not up to you to make sure he is happy. He needs to learn that life isn't always fair and things happen.

You did NOTHING wrong!

It doesn't even sound like he was coming over to spend time with you, but to simply get a free meal.

 

[SandrA9810]

life should have a undo button. You undo as far back as you need to till you fix the problem.

Don't be upset. He should've been the one to call an ask about joining for lunch instead of assuming. What would he have done if you weren't back from the campgrounds? He'd still have to fend for himself.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The only way you messed up is that you got upset about your son. I would have told him it is his responsibility to find out what is going on.

It is how they learn.

 

[Magic Mom]

You apologized... he'll get over it. Don't let him manipulate you with his pity party.

 

[minkydog]

He's 23. He's an adult. If he wanted to spend Father's Day with you all, then he should have contacted you. It is not up to you to make sure he is happy. He needs to learn that life isn't always fair and things happen.

You did NOTHING wrong!

It doesn't even sound like he was coming over to spend time with you, but to simply get a free meal.

Exactly this. He doesn't ever come over just to be with us. He comes over to do his laundry(and I'm fine with that.) He comes over to play my piano(and I'm fine with that.) He comes over to use the free Wi-Fi (and i'm fine with that.) But he never comes over to just hang out or have a conversation. He's Johnny-on-the-spot if you want to take him out to dinner or a movie. DS23 really doesn't want to be with us unless he's getting something out of it. I know I wasn't a perfect parent, but I"ll tell you this--my DD17 doesn't treat us like this. I don't want to put the screws to him. I don't need to "cut him off". But I don't want to be treated like I commited a cardinal sin in my own home, either. I plan to speak up about it, too. He's invited to supper, which was our original planned Father's Day meal. Fried chicken, potato salad, baked beans, green beans, celery w/cheese, red velvet cake. We'll see if he shows. Anyone wanna place a bet that he blows us off? I guess he'll show us!

 

[Robinrs]

Misery loves company. He's trying to drag you down with him. You're his mother, don't allow it. Let his grown butt know what HE should've done. At 23 "men" are still tall children who think they know EVERYTHING.

Don't accept the blame he's trying to give you. And don't admit to favorites. You may like the way one may treat you but they're all your children. And eventually they all will detect it and it will affect them. I lived with a mother for almost 50 years who was not the "favorite" and she NEVER got over it, not even when her Mom died at 91yo. It's not a good way to live.

 

[minkydog]

Misery loves company. He's trying to drag you down with him. You're his mother, don't allow it. Let his grown butt know what HE should've done. At 23 "men" are still tall children who think they know EVERYTHING.

Don't accept the blame he's trying to give you. And don't admit to favorites. You may like the way one may treat you but they're all your children. And eventually they all will detect it and it will affect them. I lived with a mother for almost 50 years who was not the "favorite" and she NEVER got over it, not even when her Mom died at 91yo. It's not a good way to live.

Well, here's the thing--they are all favorites in different ways. DS23 is very creative. I could listen to him play his music and sing all day. He's very funny, the life of the party. DD17 is very theatrical. I could watch her dance till the cows come home. She's sweet and considerate. DS15(Christian) is just a lovebug. He has a most pleasant personality, and even though he requires a lot of attention, he's never demanding. He gives great hugs and kisses.

DS23 was an only child for the first 7 years. Then DD17 and DS15 came along. I made special efforts to give each of the kids my attention and my love and I've never treated any of them as "less than." John made some bad choices and did a lot of negative things to me all the way through HS. He was hell on wheels, but he eventually got with it around age 20. We seem to be revisiting some of those teen years and I'm not having it. I have done my duty to him, done it well. I put up with a lot during his adolescence but I don't have to put up with it now. DH is pretty put out with him for treating me badly, so I expect he'll get ahold of DS shortly too.

Its stuff like this that makes me feel bad. I'm raising two teens, one of who is profoundly mentally handicapped. I don't need this "I'm not your favorit" business.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Of course, I have to say if DS was soooo inclined to celebrate Father's Day, HE could have called his dad and invited him to lunch. HE could have brought over a card and a gift, or at least come out to the campground 20 minutes away to spend some time with him for free

But it doesn't sound like you went out to celebrate Father's Day. It sounds like you went out to observe We're Desperate for Something to Eat There's No Food in the House It's Too Danged Hot to Cook Anyway Day.

 

[minkydog]

But it doesn't sound like you went out to celebrate Father's Day. It sounds like you went out to observe We're Desperate for Something to Eat There's No Food in the House It's Too Danged Hot to Cook Anyway Day.

Yeah, that's pretty much it. We didn't even think about it being Father's Day until we got in line to get in and started wondering why so many people. Duh! It's Father's Day. (I do have all the presents,etc, already)_

 

[Hillbeans]

Boy, you I could have written this post about my ungrateful 28 BIL a few years ago. My MIL used to slave away cooking holiday dinners yet he'd sleep through them or yell at MIL for waking him up to eat - either way, it was lose-lose.

I know you feel bad but the phone works two ways and he should have initiated something if he really wanted to. Don't let him guilt you into this, too bad he missed it, he needs to learn the world won't stop for him.

 

[ilovejack02]

That is BS .. he is 23! First of all it is father's day , I don't care that he sleeps late. He should get up early and call his Dad.

Had my DS21 not made an effort to call his Dad early today I would have LOST MY MIND on him. I don't care that he went back to bed after.

2nd of all, once you hit a certain age, most of the time, family life stops revolving around you and centers around the younger set, especially when you don't live at home anymore.




Let it go Mom , I speak from experience. Once I quit catering to DS21's immature issues, somehow he managed to grow up quite a bit!

 

[SandrA9810]

since you said he wanted to go since it was father's day... You should hand him the bill and tell him he can pay for it as a gift.

 

[IDoDis]

It sounds like your oldest DS is looking for some reassurance that you love him the same as his other siblings. He must sense some favoritism and probably has for years or he wouldn't have said that. I can see a younger child or a teenager saying that, but he's an adult and has probably been carrying this chip on his shoulder for a while. That could be part of the reason why he treats you the way he does.

I'm not saying he's right and you're wrong. It just sounds like he wants to know he's loved and not just be someone you "put up with." Parenthood is tough. He needs to grow up, and you may want to make an effort to spend some quality time with him. Don't always leave it to him to come over. Call him up and invite him over. Talk, spend time with him -- just the two of you, if that's possible. By your actions, you will show him that you love him and maybe he'll get over his feelings of not being a favorite.

I don't think it's right for him to be giving you a guilt trip over this lunch that he missed. I'm just saying there's a deeper concern going on with your relationship with your son.

 

[LilyWDW]

Exactly this. He doesn't ever come over just to be with us. He comes over to do his laundry(and I'm fine with that.) He comes over to play my piano(and I'm fine with that.) He comes over to use the free Wi-Fi (and i'm fine with that.) But he never comes over to just hang out or have a conversation. He's Johnny-on-the-spot if you want to take him out to dinner or a movie. DS23 really doesn't want to be with us unless he's getting something out of it. I know I wasn't a perfect parent, but I"ll tell you this--my DD17 doesn't treat us like this. I don't want to put the screws to him. I don't need to "cut him off". But I don't want to be treated like I commited a cardinal sin in my own home, either. I plan to speak up about it, too. He's invited to supper, which was our original planned Father's Day meal. Fried chicken, potato salad, baked beans, green beans, celery w/cheese, red velvet cake. We'll see if he shows. Anyone wanna place a bet that he blows us off? I guess he'll show us!

I'll come over! Dinner sounds GOOD!

I'm 28 so not that much older then your son. No parents are perfect (even though you all try dang hard to be so) but you do your best. Sometimes us kids are pains in the butt and sometimes you want to strangle us... but you don't. No matter what we do or how horrible we are, somehow parents still find it in their hearts to love us.

You need to tell him, "I did my best with you. I loved you no matter what. However, I won't allow you to treat me or the rest of your family like we don't matter." Will he get it? I honestly don't know, but if you don't say it, he will never learn.

Spend time with your family and count your blessings. Don't focus on what happened earlier. Say your piece and move on. You have people around you who love you.

Hopefully the rest of your night will go better. *HUGS*

PS Happy father's day to the dad of the family =)

 

[kaytieeldr]

since you said he wanted to go since it was father's day... You should hand him the bill and tell him he can pay for it as a gift.

I was up in the middle of the night last night, and NickToo/Nick at NiteToo was airing some special dad-related episodes. One was a Father's Day ep of "Everybody Hates Chris", where he wanted to get his father the best gift ever. He thought he found it - then it turns out the guys at work had just bought him the same thing. Chris returned the watch and was trying to come up with something else. He went to the neighborhood 'fell-off-the-back-of-the-truck' guy, who couldn't help - but asked Chris to wait while he went across the street to pay a bill.

Chris ended up not buying his dad a gift. He did something, instead. He paid the eletric bill.








Chris's dad was so touched by that 'gift', he thought it would be a great idea for him to get a job and pay a bill every month!

 

[kaytieeldr]

I'll come over! Dinner sounds GOOD!

1. We're not invited
2. We couldn't get there in time
3. We don't have time to pick up Father's Day gifts for minkydog dad
4. It's not polite to invite yourself
5. What time is dinner??????????

 

[momof1princess]

IMHO, you have NO reason to feel guilty, and your son is being just plain selfish. he's an adult, he should have called his father on father's day, and had he done so, he would have known what your plans were. he knows if he pours on the pouting and guilt, you'll feel so bad, he'll get SOMETHING out of it. in your shoes, i would simply say "i'm sorry you're so self-absorbed, you didn't think to call your father on father's day. if you had, i'm sure we would've told you there was no food in the house, so we were going out to lunch." girl, you have SO much on your plate, shame on him for pulling this foolishness on you!

 

[minkydog]

Well, blow me down with a feather!~ DS actually joined DH, DD, and Christian at the neighborhood pool. He even took his turn with Christian, keeping him safe. He's here now, stll not talking, totally absorbed in his computer. But I'll make nice and feed him anyway. Fried chicken, here I come~!

Now if I can get DD out of the bathroom. She's performing her toilette

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

Do you really have a favorite child?