Ugh. I messed up.

[minkydog]

Do you really have a favorite child?

No,not really. They are all favorites in different ways.

 

[xanphylus]

Do you really have a favorite child?

Everyone has their favorites- they just don't admit it. You may love them all the same, but you don't always like them all the same! Its not wrong, its human nature. You love those best who love you best.

 

[disneyfans95]

Everyone has their favorites- they just don't admit it. You may love them all the same, but you don't always like them all the same! Its not wrong, its human nature. You love those best who love you best.

Clearly you are not a parent...

Sounds more like a middle child....

 

[kaytieeldr]

Another way to look at it is, every child is a favorite for different reasons. I was my parents' favorite child because I was their first child (and the first grandchild) and they were married for a long time before I was born; next child was the favorite because he's brilliant - ask him ; next child was the favorite due to sweet nature, personality, and looks; next children were the favorites because they were multiples; last child turned out to be the true favorite... simply for being the last child

 

[LuvOrlando]

I'd feel bad about what happened earlier too. No so much because it's a wrong or right thing, but the thought that I could have hurt one of my kids where it could have been prevented would really bother me too. I'm glad he showed up and you all had a chance to reconnect. Sounds to me like he simply wants to still be included as "ONE OF THE GANG" even if he isn't under the same roof any longer. Growing up is tricky, and becoming self sufficient is a double edged sword. There is a fine line between being independent and becoming an outsider and it seems to me you've just discovered where that line sits for him. You can smile if you think of it this way, Congrats, he still wants in

As for favorites, I have favorite facets to each of my kids' personalities. My DS is protective but my DD is attentive, my DS is disciplined but my DD is creative, my DS is a better listener but my DD is more likely to stand up for herself, DS is more easy going but harder to read and DD is more defiant but an open book. Of course, the easy ones are... well, just easier on us aren't they, but they won't be the ones to stand up for us with the Dr's when we're elderly and need help either. I think favorite just depends on when we're being asked IMO.

 

[mrsg00fy]

I guess I'm still stuck on trying to figure out exactly what it is that you did wrong.

The oldest son is an adult. If he were concerned about father's day, he should have invited the family out and paid the bill.

You did nothing wrong. Please don't accept the "guilt trip" that is being laid on you.

 

[minkydog]

Another way to look at it is, every child is a favorite for different reasons. I was my parents' favorite child because I was their first child (and the first grandchild) and they were married for a long time before I was born; next child was the favorite because he's brilliant - ask him ; next child was the favorite due to sweet nature, personality, and looks; next children were the favorites because they were multiples; last child turned out to be the true favorite... simply for being the last child

You are so right. I was the oldest and the "pretty one"(because I weighed 90-lbs dripping wet. My mom was in hog heaven because I was so thin I was anorexic). My next sister was the brainy, but heavier one. It didn't matter how many awards she won, she would always be too heavy--she weighed about 130 when she graduated. Next sister was the "dumb one"--she had learning disabilities and as far as my parents were concerned, she could do nothing right. It didn't help that she was rather tall and plain and flat-chested. Next was my brother, the Crown Prince. Mom loved, loved, LOVED him, but dad hated him. And then there's the baby, who was tall and beautiful. Unfortunately, my dad beat her down so badly that she has mental health issues to this day, 40 years later.

I'd Sounds to me like he simply wants to still be included as "ONE OF THE GANG" even if he isn't under the same roof any longer. Growing up is tricky, and becoming self sufficient is a double edged sword. There is a fine line between being independent and becoming an outsider and it seems to me you've just discovered where that line sits for him. You can smile if you think of it this way, Congrats, he still wants in

It's funny you should mention that. I was just thinking the same thing. I think you get right to the crux of it--he's conflicted about growing up. He wants all the benefits of being a kid and he perceives any attention that we give to the other kids as favoritism. We took our two youngest on a cross-country trip a few years ago. He was 20 at the time and working, but we invited him anyway. He let us know in no uncertain terms that he would not be caught dead traveling in a camper with us. But now and then he'll bring it up as if we purposely waited until he was grown to "sneak around" and go on the trip. The truth is, I came into some unexpected money and decided we wanted to take our camper and see some National Parks. We even offered to fly him out to Yellowstone to join us, but he declined. No TV? No computer? NO WAY. Oh well, his loss. We had a fabulous time, but he's still in a snit about it.

I can remember being at this age and feeling the same conflict. It's hard to grow up and take charge of your life. But he's 23, living in his own apartment, paying his way without our help. I'm proud of him and I take many opportunities to tell him so.

 

[xanphylus]

Clearly you are not a parent...

Sounds more like a middle child....

Actually, yes- I am. And I love both my kids dearly. Clearly you don't understand. Not to be rude or anything..... but flame on me all you want, I still believe how I do. I love them both equally, but some days- I just like one better than the other. I wouldn't change either one of them for the world- but.... (and if you would have bothered to look at the cute kid in my pic- he is my current fav... lol. But he is also the baby of the family and his sister's fav too!)

 

[Mermaid02]

We went out to breakfast on Mother's Day- about 8:00 a.m. and did not call our dd who was at school- she doesn't like to get up and I really thought she would prefer we didn't call and wake her. She was upset with me. I apologized, and I STILL think she would have been upset had we called and woke her up at 7:30 in the morning on a Sunday.

OH, and my DOG is my favorite child because I can put her in a cage and nobody is going to call the police.

 

[mumom95]

I'm going to go against the majority and say I think you were wrong.

Yes maybe he's an adult and yes maybe the other two kids aren't and still live at home. But the reality is his family went out to eat on Father's day and didn't include him. That would hurt a lot of people whether they would admit it or not.

This doesn't make you a bad parent and you've apologized which is all you can do at this point. But if I had done the same thing, I would feel bad about it.

 

[Planogirl]

I don't think that a 23 year old adult should act that way. He should have come up with his own plans and not get into a snit if people do something without him.

 

[allison443]

I'm going to go against the majority and say I think you were wrong.

Yes maybe he's an adult and yes maybe the other two kids aren't and still live at home. But the reality is his family went out to eat on Father's day and didn't include him. That would hurt a lot of people whether they would admit it or not.

This doesn't make you a bad parent and you've apologized which is all you can do at this point. But if I had done the same thing, I would feel bad about it.

I feel like the adult son, living somewhere else on his own, should have called the day before or the week before, or even that morning, and asked what dad was doing that day, and when could he come and see dad. Or he should have made some plans on his own to see dad.

Honestly, based on the OP's posts, it kind of sounds like this son was mad he missed out on a free meal. OP even says in her post he came over unexpectedly looking for a free meal.

 

[bumbershoot]

Clearly you are not a parent...

All you had to do was look at the avatar picture or even the name of the trip report....

I'm going to go against the majority and say I think you were wrong.

Yes maybe he's an adult and yes maybe the other two kids aren't and still live at home. But the reality is his family went out to eat on Father's day and didn't include him. That would hurt a lot of people whether they would admit it or not.

But it wasn't to celebrate the day. That was dinnertime. At 23 I was living far away from my family, both sides. Just b/c her son does live nearby doesn't make him less grownup than I was, living far away, and I knew that if I wanted to be part of something, I needed to make myself part of it.

 

[WL Fan]

I'm discovering that kids in their early 20's are alot like toddlers. At least mine are. Can't make up their minds. Want to do things on their own. Want me to do everything for them. It's very confusing.

He's mad cause he missed a free meal, and he knows what buttons to push to make you feel as bad as he's made himself feel.

Hope you had a good day, anyway!

 

[mumom95]

I feel like the adult son, living somewhere else on his own, should have called the day before or the week before, or even that morning, and asked what dad was doing that day, and when could he come and see dad. Or he should have made some plans on his own to see dad.

Honestly, based on the OP's posts, it kind of sounds like this son was mad he missed out on a free meal. OP even says in her post he came over unexpectedly looking for a free meal.

But didn't the OP say that they had come home a day early from the lake? So why would the son call a day early when he fully expected that the family wouldn't be home on Father's day. I got the impression he did know what the family was originally supposed to do and they changed the plan.

 

[DizBelle]

Do you really have a favorite child?

Sorry, minkydog, it doesn't qualify. You're still a good (really, really good) parent.

In case some of you don't realize, Minkydog's DS Christian is severely mentally handicapped. He is 15 years old with the mentality of an 18 month old. I think that Minkydog may be labeling Christian as her "favorite" only because he needs her and will always need her like neither of her other children do or ever will. Christian just simply does not have the capacity for dislike and hate. Like she said, Christian will never, ever tell her he hates her and wants her to die (like I believe her DS23 did at one point). It's pretty easy to understand how Christian might rank a bit higher in her mind.

I believe, like a PP said, that she loves all her kids the same and equally. But she may not like them all the same. Honestly, how high would someone rank in your book if they told you they hated you and wanted you to die?

 

[DizBelle]

I'm going to go against the majority and say I think you were wrong.

Yes maybe he's an adult and yes maybe the other two kids aren't and still live at home. But the reality is his family went out to eat on Father's day and didn't include him. That would hurt a lot of people whether they would admit it or not.

This doesn't make you a bad parent and you've apologized which is all you can do at this point. But if I had done the same thing, I would feel bad about it.

It wasn't a Father's Day lunch. It was lunch on a day that happened to be Father's Day. BIG difference.

The Father's Day celebration was dinner. Which he did attend.

I think he's bummed he missed out on a free meal.

 

[jmpurdy]

he's still acting like a petulant child. Then pushing his anger at feeling left out onto his mother (easy target). Why not his dad? Because he probably knew he'd get the reaction he did. Mission accomplished. Been there, done that.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It wasn't a Father's Day lunch. It was lunch on a day that happened to be Father's Day. BIG difference.

The Father's Day celebration was dinner. Which he did attend.

I think he's bummed he missed out on a free meal.

Right.

Also let's throw some psychology into the mix. This kid LEFT because he would not follow the rules. So he uses that to get the digs on mom. He does it because it works.

Frankly if my kid left because he refused to help out at home, there is no way the kid is doing laundry at my house for free.

He is using his mom's emotion to weasel his way back home. He tests the waters with the usual guilt trips because they work.

I am sure OP/family wants to see her son/brother and that is his "blackmail" technique.

If the OP does not do things "his way" he will "punish" family for it by not seeing them.

OP just needs to keep doing what she is doing and he will fall in line and see that his tactics don't work anymore.

 

[Luvchefmic]

life should have a undo button. You undo as far back as you need to till you fix the problem.

Don't be upset. He should've been the one to call an ask about joining for lunch instead of assuming. What would he have done if you weren't back from the campgrounds? He'd still have to fend for himself.

So true...wouldn't it be great if we could do that with life like we can set our computers back to a previous date to "fix" something ...but yes I agree nothing to be upset about...DS is an adult and it was Fathers Day..NOT DS' birthday