Tweenage drama queens

[NHdisneylover]

Well obviously as the mother of an only child I have no rights whatsoever to comment according to some BUT I do agree with what you've said above. My DD has had her fair share of tantrums but at no point did I think it was cute or amusing and if she EVER barricaded herself into her room the door would be removed until she could be trusted to have it back. My DD is not perfect but there are some things that will not be tolerated in my home...end of!

Oh and BTW...my DD is an only child but I brought up my niece from the age of 18 months when her mother's health deteriorated and she is now a wonderful 20 year old who works with people with severe learning disabilities.

Oh and did I also mention I work as a specialist practitioner for people with special needs including ASD, ADHD and other developmental delay disorders, providing advice and support for families in dealing with behaviour problems....but then, as I said, I only have one child so I'm not really in a position to comment obviously!!!!

As long as you do not assume that all children are identical and will react jsut like yours, you are qualified Of course I am not even opposed to parenting advice from non parents--after all everyone was a child at one point or another
What I hate is people who assume all only children are spoiled/selfish/etc (hey, why not bring up more controversy in the thread==but that does really bug me--and yes I am an only child)


Back to the whole prior tantrum debate--I also think it is really important for parents to lookat the whole picture. Things like me knowing my DD has truly never encountered something she didn't grasp ASAP and added to her perfectionism it just sent her over the edge at 7. It didn't mean it was okay to lose it, but it meant I approached more from a "help her learn how to deal" standpoint than from a punitive one. Likewise, all of her tween/teen tantrums (and there were many here for about four months) were in not only the midst of hormones (OMG her body changed daily) but also in the midst of her having a very hard time at school after we had moved to a new country (rough on anyone much less a 12 year old) and were ALL struggling to learn the language and the culture and figure out the educational options etc. I did not encourage it or baby it, but I did not take the hard line I might have in other less stressful circumstances (geez even adults can lost it under such circumstances). Once we figured out that we could put the kids in a Waldorf school instead of a traditional German school their behaviour went back to normal almost immediately (the system here is rather different with tiered tracks and DD could not be college track because she did not have French since 4th grade--so she would have to go mid level track until 10th grade and then switch and then end up spending 1-2 more years in school, all because we moved and this was really upsetting to her in addition to other stress at that school for both kids).

In more day to day terms I think I parent should take a much harder line with a toddler who melts down because they want a candy bar at the checkout than with a toddler who has a midnight meltdown after being at Magic Kingdom since rope drop. A melt down is not good in either case but is much more understandable in one than the other.

 

[NHdisneylover]

None of you guys have ever laughed at your kids' tantrum behind their backs? I have put on the stern face and insisted that my son follow my rules but have busted a gut laughing after he went to serve his punishment.

And sometimes I do think tantrums are funny, cute, slightly hysterical. We talk about the hill to die on as far as the parents are concerned....but the child has just chosen a hill to die on. And what is more ridiculous than a hill that still has seven years to grow/shrink/change?

OP, you sent her to her room. She barricaded herself...clearly a dangerous and disobedient move. Talk to her about the danger of what she did. Talk to her about the inappropriateness of it. Remind her who the boss is.

I've never met a practically perfect in every way child yet. We don't grow 'em that way....but we do strive to help them master a few important lessons.

And I'd never, ever remove a door from my home unless the child was dealing drugs, into porn, or doing something completely inappropriate and dangerous. I just think it's humiliating and humiliation doesn't make for good long term relationships.

I laugh at my kids behind their backs (and sometimes where they know if it won't hurt their feelings ALL THE TIME. DD likes a boy now--talks about him constantly, goes to the library and out for pastries with him--they are even talking about signing up for dance lessons together (ballroom dance--10 weeks, very normal here) but she insisted she doesn't LIKE him like him. Oh man it is so hard to keep a straight face and not embarrass her laughing at that little bit of lunacy.
I never thought to look at it as the kid choosing that hill to die on--but it IS sin't it? Too funny. I will think of that every time I see a tantrum from now on

 

[sunnyday123]

Hey agreement It is like the Twilight Zone has come to the CB
Sunnyday--I love the pink hair when you are 27 (I would let them have pink hair now--but that is me and there are other things I think 27 sounds perfect for)
Ride Junkie--sounds like a good book The only problem is if they do not melt down/tantrum until they are older. DD was (as before mentioned) 7 and I want to say DS was 10. It gets hard to physically carry them to a room by then Then I use a threat (well only once was it needed). You can go to your room now and come out once you are calm or I will leave so I do not have to hear it and when I get back I take all of your books (this is the biggest threat you can hand my DD). She went to her room--mission accomplished. DS's issue is that he has always known he needs space sometimes and just gone off on his own to get it--lately people have tried to follow him and ask him what is wrong or want to talk about whatever right then. He has actually said "I just need some space right now" they continue to pester him. At that point he LOST it: screaming to "Get out, get out, get out" and then slamming the door when they did leave. Pretty much played out the same with grandpa and with a family friend. On the one hand I was mortified and on the other I feel like they pushed when he started off being respectful and just telling them what he needed. In the end I did not get mad at him (he was mad enough at himself after) and just told him to try to hold it together long enough to come get me, his dad or his big sister is that happens again and we will advocate for him when he is that close to losing it. Hopefully there will be no next time but we will see if there is how it goes. Sometimes parenting is a trial and error kind of thing (for me anyway).

I KNEW I heard angels singing earlier!!!

 

[Tiger926]

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[hentob]

Are 6 year old really consider tweens?

Um, no. No they are not.

 

[Magpie]

I'm glad to hear that there are other folks who sometimes laugh at their kids. Reading through this thread it was starting to sound to me like the OP's biggest sin was being amused by her daughter's outburst.

Here's the truth -

I laugh at my kids. Sometimes I laugh behind their backs, sometimes - when they're being completely ridiculous - I laugh in their face.

Most of what my kids do I chalk up to them being kids. I don't immediately assume every transgression is something serious, an indicator for the future, has to be jumped immediately before it blossoms into drugs, alcoholism, teen pregnancy, whatever. I laugh, and then I deal with it.

For instance, my neighbour was telling me that her (very sweet, polite) 16yo daughter is on the road to ruin. Why? Because she went to an all-girl sleepover where the girls decided that it would be hilarious to cover another girl with hickeys.

"But that IS hilarious," I said.

Clearly that wasn't the right response, because my neighbour then tried to impress upon me that hickeys are the first step on a slippery slope to sex and teen pregnancy.

"Look," I said, "Just tell her what I told my kids - hickeys are the result of broken blood vessels under your skin. No teenage girl wants to ruin her skin."

I feel sorry for my neighbour's daughter. She's a good kid. But her mother catastrophizes. Anyway, as a result of my neighbour's 16yo daughter being, well... sixteen, she's getting sent away to a residential camp for the summer. Her mother thinks it'll keep her away from bad influences. (Does anyone remember camp? Sexy, sexy teen camp? We went skinny dipping at mine!)

 

[mjkacmom]

I feel sorry for my neighbour's daughter. She's a good kid. But her mother catastrophizes. Anyway, as a result of my neighbour's 16yo daughter being, well... sixteen, she's getting sent away to a residential camp for the summer. Her mother thinks it'll keep her away from bad influences. (Does anyone remember camp? Sexy, sexy teen camp? We went skinny dipping at mine!)

I picked up the bad habit of smoking at camp, and ended up kissing my counselor!

 

[lustergirl]

great read everyone! This has been one of the better threads lately! Keep it up.


yea it has been kind of boring on here lately hasnt it?