Trying to keep my son from dropping out

[OceanAnnie]

I think you can use the relationship (or lack of) that he has had with the principal in your favor. I am assuming it hasn't been good for your DS either. I would point out to him that there is nothing that that "man" would like better than to see him give up; and giving up is exactly what it would be. Point out to him that his success may actually be the key to "getting even" for the way he has been treated through out his high school years. Sometimes that short term view works better than the long term "you won't be able to get a good job" view.

I like this approach!

 

[patsfan101]

I teach high school, so you have my sympathies. I see this in kids alot. My advice - don't play games! Be honest. Make sure he knows that life takes work, not just school. Lots of kids seem to think they'll be able to get up in the morning if they're getting paid for it, then find out it's not so different. Talking about bills, etc is very good, but htere are other considerations also - who does the laundry, cooks the meals, does the grocery shopping? As long those things are being done for him, it's easy to say "I don't like school". Real llife is hard work, and school gets you ready for that. Just because you don't like the jobs that need doing, doesn't mean you don't ahve to do them.

 

[DawnCt1]

Yes, he would be tossed out. Then again if he was our kid he would already know this. So it would not be a surprise.

At 17 alot of people I know moved out and were on their own. They were better off learning the lessons right away than the people I know that were coddled.

Best to learn how things work asap if that is the path you are choosing.

My nephew was one of them. He was kicked out for being gay at 17 and now he is 21 living in NYC, doing OK.
He wanted to move in with us at the time and we gave him the same "rules" that we will have for our kids.

He choose not to live with us.

In many states, children can decide to move out at 17, however, in Ct. and in other states, it is clearly against the law to toss a child under 18 out. In Ct. if a child between 16 and 18 moves out, the parents are financially responsible for their children and that includes bills they incur if they break the law.

 

[poohandwendy]

I think that would be a major mistake. At 17, he still needs a degree of parenting and supervision. I would find another "hard stance; no car, no cell phone, he would get driven to work, etc. but tossing him out? No.

IMO, the major mistake is the dropping out part.

I am not going to continue to parent a child who drops out of high school, they obviously feel they are ready to be making adult decisions, with that comes responsibility. It wouldn't be a matter of my putting their stuff on the front lawn, but they would know they would be moving out. I would obviously help them in as many ways as possible, but not in my home. (obviously, this would only apply to a child was defiant, went against our wishes and dropped out because they legally could. If there were extenuating circumstances, it might be a different thing)

Btw, I was on my own at 18.

 

[MushyMushy]

Well, no, moving out is not an option. No, I'm just not interested in that route. I know that he's going to fly as soon as he turns 18 and I want to keep him here where he's at least somewhat supervised and safe for another year.

I know exactly where he'll go and what he'll be doing if he leaves home. I don't want that for him. Showing him rent (around here a one-room apt. is cheap, cheap, cheap!) and all that would be useless because he'd actually have two different free places to move into. One with a friend in another town, and another at a friend's grandmother's house. She takes in all the wayward teens for the price of keeping the house clean. It's quite a party pad.

If you want my truthful opinion, I'd consider just letting him take the GED and sending him onto a Community College course. Haven't you said he really likes shop or auto repair or something like that?

You know, there's nothing at all wrong with that. Maybe that is just who he is meant to be.

You know, if he had a goal and a plan to achieve it, then I might not be so completely dead set against it. From when he was having such problems with school, I'd always thought it might be a decent option -- taking the GED (easier to get into college that way, believe it or not!), going to community college or the university I went to, and that's it.

BUT, he's made it quite clear that he absolutely refuses to even think about college. He takes welding in vo-tech and could probably get a decent job if he finishes the program. What I can't see is us having to pay for a trade school when he is already going to a terrific school for free. We've told him that we'd pay for trade school after he graduates! But I'll be completely ticked if he blows this opportunity at the vo-tech.

 

[freckles and boo]

Any chance of finding him a mentor who could encourage him to stay in school while teaching him more about welding (or whatever) in the real world? Ask the vo-tech teacher if he could set up some sort of after-school internship (or paying job) with a local business. It may be unconventional, but it couldn't hurt to ask.

 

[DawnCt1]

IMO, the major mistake is the dropping out part.

I am not going to continue to parent a child who drops out of high school, they obviously feel they are ready to be making adult decisions, with that comes responsibility. It wouldn't be a matter of my putting their stuff on the front lawn, but they would know they would be moving out. I would obviously help them in as many ways as possible, but not in my home. (obviously, this would only apply to a child was defiant, went against our wishes and dropped out because they legally could. If there were extenuating circumstances, it might be a different thing)

Btw, I was on my own at 18.

Boys are not girls; particularly boys who have had educational problems and the issues that go with that. I think you would agree that most girls are more mature at 18 than most 18 year old boys. At 17, that makes him even less mature. Boys that have a place to flop with no adults that are personally invested in their success often do not do well. He is actually making a "childish decision", ("I don't want to do that). I would treat him like a child that needs more supervision, not less.

 

[WDSearcher]

It sounds to me that you and your husband are kind of enabling your son too, by "mentally preparing" yourselves and being so certain you know exactly what he's thinking. Is it possible that he's tossing all of this info at you to find out how you feel because he's heard months of the principal tell him he's going to drop out and he's looking for someone to voice the other side? You said that you told him that dropping out wasn't even an option and you wouldn't even consider it, but you don't seem to be "walking that walk."

Why not sit him down and ASK him what he's planning instead of cowering behind rumors and assumptions and possibilities? (I mean, seriously ... how many 17 YO's do you know who AREN'T bored and sick of school and ready to leave and wanting to sleep in?) If he flat-out says, "I'm thinking of dropping out," then you can talk about it and reiterate your "not even an option" policy, but also explain to him why. Discuss it ... figure out a solution. But don't make him do it by himself. He's probably dying for some help in figuring this all out.

Not only that, but by not being proactive and sitting him down to discuss it BEFORE it becomes an ultimatum, you're kind of reinforcing the principal's thoughts. He thinks your son will drop out and, apparently, so do you.

 

[poohandwendy]

Boys are not girls; particularly boys who have had educational problems and the issues that go with that. I think you would agree that most girls are more mature at 18 than most 18 year old boys. At 17, that makes him even less mature. Boys that have a place to flop with no adults that are personally invested in their success often do not do well. He is actually making a "childish decision", ("I don't want to do that). I would treat him like a child that needs more supervision, not less.

I would agree that many boys are less mature than girls at this age. I agree to disagree as to how we feel is the right way to deal with issues like this.

 

[swilphil]

I'd come up with some great incentives. I know it's bribery, but it sounds like he's always had negative consequences, so he might respond to positive ones.

Can he take more electives and vo-tech classes as a senior? Does he have enough credits where he would be able to graduate at semester his senior year?

 

[poohandwendy]

Well, no, moving out is not an option. No, I'm just not interested in that route. I know that he's going to fly as soon as he turns 18 and I want to keep him here where he's at least somewhat supervised and safe for another year.

I know exactly where he'll go and what he'll be doing if he leaves home. I don't want that for him. Showing him rent (around here a one-room apt. is cheap, cheap, cheap!) and all that would be useless because he'd actually have two different free places to move into. One with a friend in another town, and another at a friend's grandmother's house. She takes in all the wayward teens for the price of keeping the house clean. It's quite a party pad.

That changes things quite a bit.

I think I would just sit him down and have a serious heart to heart. Just curious, is he working right now? Maybe he would do better if he actually saw a glimpse of his future and what he is working toward.

That is a tough situation, I feel for you. I don't think coddling him will help, but it sounds like kicking him out won't either. I wonder if he is suffering with depression or using drugs? I just know that either can cause a kid to be apathetic about their future.

 

[Diva of Dragons]

You have had a lot of good advice here. He needs to realize that school is only 1 more year that will change the course of ALL the many years he has left. Is there something he can get involved in that might motivate him to stay?

I hope he can find a way to see that it only gets harder outside of school. Now is the time to learn how to cope by persevering! I wanted to drop out, many times, but I pushed through and finished. It felt great! I went on to grad. from college!

If anything, can he get mad enough at the Principal and his negative attitude, and graduate just to prove the man wrong??!!

I don't know if someone said this yet but....at his age, the not wanting to get up early etc... could be a sign of depression.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I'm sorry and I hope that he stays in school.

 

[MushyMushy]

It sounds to me that you and your husband are kind of enabling your son too, by "mentally preparing" yourselves and being so certain you know exactly what he's thinking. Is it possible that he's tossing all of this info at you to find out how you feel because he's heard months of the principal tell him he's going to drop out and he's looking for someone to voice the other side? You said that you told him that dropping out wasn't even an option and you wouldn't even consider it, but you don't seem to be "walking that walk."

Why not sit him down and ASK him what he's planning instead of cowering behind rumors and assumptions and possibilities? (I mean, seriously ... how many 17 YO's do you know who AREN'T bored and sick of school and ready to leave and wanting to sleep in?) If he flat-out says, "I'm thinking of dropping out," then you can talk about it and reiterate your "not even an option" policy, but also explain to him why. Discuss it ... figure out a solution. But don't make him do it by himself. He's probably dying for some help in figuring this all out.

Not only that, but by not being proactive and sitting him down to discuss it BEFORE it becomes an ultimatum, you're kind of reinforcing the principal's thoughts. He thinks your son will drop out and, apparently, so do you.

Wow, a discussion with my son! Why didn't I think of that?



I'm sorry, I'm not truly being sarcastic in a mean way. But when it comes to this kid, the only way to know what's going on with him is to puzzle it all out in the tiny bits and pieces that I can get from him and his friends. I've got to make assumptions based on the subtle clues and hints he tosses my way every once in a while. He is a completely closed book, not just to me, but to everyone close to him.

He has never been a communicator despite all our efforts his entire life. I love him as he is but I've got to work with what I've got.

 

[douglisa]

Hello, I know I am new here and sometimes the replys I get are a bit cold but that has never stopped me from expressing myself or reaching out.
First off, I am sorry you are going through this.
I dropped out when I was 16 and got my GED. I got so sick of the low paying crappy jobs that I decided to go to college. I have my AA in human services from a community college now and am going to a four yr school to be a therapist specializing in abuse issues. College is hard when you do not have the core education needed to understand college level thinking.
My mom was so worried about me too but I made the right decision in the end. I have a 17 yr old and I know it is a hard thing to try to allow your baby to make grown up decisions, especially when you know they are making a mistake. But our teens are fast approaching adulthood and sometimes all we can do is watch in horror as they learn and grow into adults. He will make mistakes and learn from them hopefully. One mistake I learned from my parents is to not throw his mistakes in his face. Maybe then he will not rebel and screw up even more just to spite me or learn to doubt his decision making. But that principal was way out of line and what he did needs to be brought to the board of education! His job is to motivate and inspire, not set kids up for failure. It is your responability as a fellow parent to make sure he stops doing that to future teens. What a crappy thing to do! It makes me angry! GRRR!!!
I wish you the best of luck. Lisa

 

[WDSearcher]

But when it comes to this kid, the only way to know what's going on with him is to puzzle it all out in the tiny bits and pieces that I can get from him and his friends. I've got to make assumptions based on the subtle clues and hints he tosses my way every once in a while. He is a completely closed book, not just to me, but to everyone close to him.

He has never been a communicator despite all our efforts his entire life. I love him as he is but I've got to work with what I've got.

OK ... fine. He will not answer when questioned. He does not discuss. I've never seen anyone quite that much of a closed book -- even my "I hate the world" younger sister could eventually be broken down to find out what about the world she actually hated -- but okay.

Then go back to your original game plan. Dropping out is forbidden and will not be tolerated. Period. If that was -- and still is -- the game plan, then there shouldn't be a question. But by not sticking to that, you're showing holes in the armor. I still say that you seem to be siding with the principal who assumes your son will drop out. And I'm thinking your son is picking up on that. And if his parents agree with the principal, who is he to fight them both?

 

[lovemygoofy]

How about you show him the way of jail? An adult jail I mean. I know that you've had problems with him in the past and it seems you aren't too sure of his path once he turns 18. Has he ever been to jail overnight or had to see what that's all about? If he starts down that path, you are going to have to harden your heart and let him take the lumps if he is to learn a lesson.

If he drops out, I would require him to get his GED and if he didn't pass on the first try then he would be back in the classroom. If he passes the GED, I would require a job and start charging for utilities. Do you have alternative school for students that do not want or the school has choose not have in mainstream school? My sister was going to be to be drop out but found the alternative school and I guess finally found her niche in life with it.

At 18 if he moves out and you know he will start down a bad path, he would not get to take the cell phone or electronics and very limited possesion that he has. Sometimes you really have to play hardball to make a person open their eyes.

 

[aprilgail2]

Okay, having said that. I will offer one other long shot.
Now, I was a pretty good student, so that was not the issue. But, when my senior year came around, I had pretty much had enough... I really only needed certain credits, like Senior English, to graduate. So, there was a program that allowed me to pull out of high school, take an acceptable english class at the local college... and I graduated right along with my class. Cap and gown, diploma, and all.

I HATED high school and couldn't wait to get out of there. I ended up doubling up and taking 11th grade and 12th grade in one school year so I could get out of there. Is that a possiblity for your son? I was only 16 but I was more than ready to be done with high school.

 

[Tink&SquirtsMom]

I am wondering if you have sought out alternatives from the district. A lot of districts offer a middle ground between dropping out and attending full time traditional school.

When I was a senior I was just done with high school. There were MANY things going on that don't need to be discussed here, but suffice it to say it was not a healthy situation for me to remain there. I met with my school counselor, and principle and was able to go on independent study to complete the year. I was given a list of all the assignments needed to be done and a deadline many months away... I completed them in 2 weeks (the wonders of good motivation) and was done, got a traditional diploma in the spring. I worked the rest of the year and paid for myself to go to college in the fall.

If the school won't discuss options, consider going to the district or even possibly contacting a continuation school. I know continuations schools have bad reps but often they have great work-independent study programs for kids who need a diploma and are not college bound. Good ones will even try and tie the coursework as closely into the chosen vocation as possible.

 

[MushyMushy]

That changes things quite a bit.

I think I would just sit him down and have a serious heart to heart. Just curious, is he working right now? Maybe he would do better if he actually saw a glimpse of his future and what he is working toward.

That is a tough situation, I feel for you. I don't think coddling him will help, but it sounds like kicking him out won't either. I wonder if he is suffering with depression or using drugs? I just know that either can cause a kid to be apathetic about their future.

No, thankfully no drugs! We had an incident well over a year ago and royally cracked down. I don't know if you remember my no sleepover rule with him? We never really lifted that until recently. Also, we started doing random drug tests by buying kits from the drug store. I'd always wanted to do it once in a while when he started driving. Anyway, he evenseems a whole lot cleaner since we started doing that!

I'd have to get him evaluated for depression to be sure, but I don't think so. I'm not sure if it's really apathy making him feel this way about school or either laziness or arrogance (thinking he's too smart for that place ). I also think part of it is that probably half of his friends have either dropped out or have switched to a cyber school. Having done the cyber school once, he doesn't want to do it again because I offered.

One good thing is that he's got a girlfriend who seems to have a good head on her shoulders. She's smart and cute and is most definitely college bound. No coed sleepovers with this girl (if you remember from that far back ).

How about you show him the way of jail? An adult jail I mean. I know that you've had problems with him in the past and it seems you aren't too sure of his path once he turns 18. Has he ever been to jail overnight or had to see what that's all about? If he starts down that path, you are going to have to harden your heart and let him take the lumps if he is to learn a lesson.

If he drops out, I would require him to get his GED and if he didn't pass on the first try then he would be back in the classroom. If he passes the GED, I would require a job and start charging for utilities. Do you have alternative school for students that do not want or the school has choose not have in mainstream school? My sister was going to be to be drop out but found the alternative school and I guess finally found her niche in life with it.

At 18 if he moves out and you know he will start down a bad path, he would not get to take the cell phone or electronics and very limited possesion that he has. Sometimes you really have to play hardball to make a person open their eyes.

No jail, thankfully! Like I said to Poohandwendy, there's always the possibility of cyber school, but he doesn't seem to want to do that again. I think he's afraid he'll be stuck home with me 24/7 like he was in middle school, but things are so much different now -- he actually has friends, where he didn't in middle school.

But, yes, hardball will be the way to go. He'll most certainly lose his cell phone and video games. I've already made that pretty clear regarding other areas -- that when he turns 18, if he goes straight to a crappy job (not welding) and lives with the two friends I mentioned, I wouldn't be paying for any luxuries.

Oh, and another thing I forgot to mention. I JUST found this out, so I'm still in the process of absorbing it. I did pop an e-mail off to his guidance counselor at school to find out if he can do this without my permission (he can't) and if she'll talk to him (she will). She also said the same thing I told you all -- "I'm not sure how much he'll talk to me. He's always been extremely quiet around me." The fact that he even gives her the time of day is why I went straight to her! She was his guidance counselor in middle school and the only person who ever seemed to be on his side (in his eyes), so he thinks fondly of her.