Trying to be grateful but am feeling hateful.

[NY Disney fan]

My ex-husband was laid off yesterday (he's also essentially homeless). He's reached the bottom of the bottom and all I keep thinking about is not getting a child support check from him. I am having trouble sympathizing with him. He left the marriage by choice to pursue a relationship with another women (that has since failed). I have forgiven him and moved on but still, I am actually angry that he won't be paying me child support. I'm actually the only person in his life right now that is giving him the time of day. I have had to struggle when he initially abandoned us, now I feel like I have to struggle with this loss of income for my child. I don't worry that my child will suffer, I have a lot of help and she will never do without, but it makes life a whole lot harder for me becasue of the money I'm not getting from her father. My ex husband is embarking on the hardest journey of his life right now, being at the bottom of the life ladder and trying to work himself back up (if God is good to him, that is). Do I sound ungrateful or am I justified in my anger? How can I have more compassion for him?

NOTE: I know religious discussion is not allowed so hopefully this thread will not turn into that. Thanks.

 

[KAMKIM]

My ex-husband was laid off yesterday (he's also essentially homeless). He's reached the bottom of the bottom and all I keep thinking about is not getting a child support check from him. I am having trouble sympathizing with him. He left the marriage by choice to pursue a relationship with another women (that has since failed). I have forgiven him and moved on but still, I am actually angry that he won't be paying me child support. I'm actually the only person in his life right now that is giving him the time of day. I have had to struggle when he initially abandoned us, now I feel like I have to struggle with this loss of income for my child. I don't worry that my child will suffer, I have a lot of help and she will never do without, but it makes life a whole lot harder for me becasue of the money I'm not getting from her father. My ex husband is embarking on the hardest journey of his life right now, being at the bottom of the life ladder and trying to work himself back up (if God is good to him, that is). Do I sound ungrateful or am I justified in my anger? How can I have more compassion for him?

NOTE: I know religious discussion is not allowed so hopefully this thread will not turn into that. Thanks.

Actually I dont think you owe him anything (including compassion) your first thought is your child, as it should be. Karma has a funny way of biting people in the butt sometimes.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I tend to hold a grudge and be bitter, so I'm not the best person to give advice. Just wanted to give you a hug adn wish you peace.

 

[NY Disney fan]

Actually I dont think you owe him anything (including compassion) your first thought is your child, as it should be.

I do feel a little guilty because ever since he left me, I have had nothing but goodness come into my life. (God-related) Something I would have never had if I stayed married to him. So I feel like I shouldn't have anger in my heart. (but I do)

Thanks PrincessKsmom

 

[DisTeach1]

I guess I missed the post where religious discussion is not allowed...Really?

Anyways, my Mom went through the same thing, except my Dad was an alcoholic, they got a divorce, he ended up homeless. I don't know what her secret was, but I think it was "gratitude", that no matter what, my sister and I always had what we needed, not what she needed, but we always had her, and a home, and the best that she could give us. She learned not to rely on him, and she wasn't bitter a day in her life towards him, I don't know how she managed it, but I think when you can see your child happy despite the circumstances and know that your child is going to be okay...Does anything else matter?

Anyways, she struggled for a few years, she retired when she had a breast cancer scare, we went to Reno to celebrate, and she won a million dollars...So there are happy endings, and karma does have a way.

 

[NY Disney fan]

Oh wow DisTeach! Your mom got tons of luck thrown her way! The quote below resonates with me.

She learned not to rely on him, and she wasn't bitter a day in her life towards him, I don't know how she managed it, but I think when you can see your child happy despite the circumstances and know that your child is going to be okay...Does anything else matter?

 

[KAMKIM]

I do feel a little guilty because ever since he left me, I have had nothing but goodness come into my life. (God-related) Something I would have never had if I stayed married to him. So I feel like I shouldn't have anger in my heart. (but I do)

Thanks PrincessKsmom

Just know that is okay to be angry, I dont know too many humans that wouldn't be. You may have had good things come into your life but it was no thanks to him, so no need to feel guilty.

After what you've gone through with him maybe it's time you deserve a little happiness and good things.

 

[rumrunnergirl]

.

 

[Angelhalo]

Without using religion I have no way to answer this quandry.

 

[SNylund]

Send him the classified ads with the jobs listings.

 

[Chuck S]

I guess I missed the post where religious discussion is not allowed...Really?

From our DIS Posting guidelines:

5. POLITICS/RELIGION: Because of the large number of complaints of personal attacks related to these subjects and inability for many people to keep a civilized conversation when discussing these hot-button topics, politics and religion will no longer be appropriate topics on our forums. Political or religion based posts or threads will be removed, and repeated violations of this rule can result in an infraction.

 

[shortbun]

You can vent here anytime. I think the feelings you are having are totally normal and understandable. Maybe he'll rally and take care of things. I hope so for your daughter's sake.

 

[NY Disney fan]

Without using religion I have no way to answer this quandry.

You can PM me

 

[npmommie]

I think this is what's called a "teachable moment". You will be able to teach your child compassion. No matter what - he is still the father of your child and your child is looking to you for guidance in being a moral person. You say you are the only one giving him the time of day - continue to do that. What if you abandon him, and he does something rash? I'm not saying it would be your fault (it wouldn't) but that would be guilt you would need to erase. Also, if he is unemployed, can you apply for federal/state to pick up part of his tab?

So hold your head up and you and your child show compassion to your ex. Don't let him take advantage of you, but he is still human, your child's father (and you wouldn't have your child if not for him), and he's a child of God (religious discussion or not). Whether he thanks you down the road or not is irrelevant. It is YOUR job to do the right thing NOW.

I don't believe in karma - because bad things happen to good people, so where's the karma in that?

great post


also, why is no one giving him the time of day? was he homeless before being laid off yesterday?

 

[luvmy3]

My ex-husband was laid off yesterday (he's also essentially homeless). He's reached the bottom of the bottom and all I keep thinking about is not getting a child support check from him. I am having trouble sympathizing with him. He left the marriage by choice to pursue a relationship with another women (that has since failed). I have forgiven him and moved on but still, I am actually angry that he won't be paying me child support. I'm actually the only person in his life right now that is giving him the time of day. I have had to struggle when he initially abandoned us, now I feel like I have to struggle with this loss of income for my child. I don't worry that my child will suffer, I have a lot of help and she will never do without, but it makes life a whole lot harder for me becasue of the money I'm not getting from her father. My ex husband is embarking on the hardest journey of his life right now, being at the bottom of the life ladder and trying to work himself back up (if God is good to him, that is). Do I sound ungrateful or am I justified in my anger? How can I have more compassion for him?

NOTE: I know religious discussion is not allowed so hopefully this thread will not turn into that. Thanks.

I don't see what you are saying here as any less compassionate because you are concerned about it being a hardship for you to provide for your dd without his support. It sounds like you still wants whats best for him, because its also whats best for your dd. I think that is all you "owe* him and nothing more.

 

[NY Disney fan]

great post


also, why is no one giving him the time of day? was he homeless before being laid off yesterday?

Yes, great answer from runnergirl and I try to remember this. No one is giving him the time of day because he isolated everyone. He was not homeless before, he was married with a home (our home). He left our home (signed over the deed to me) and moved in with his girlfriend. That relationship lasted about a year. Now he has no where to go and his family has no spare room for him. He has been sleeping on his friend's sofa but his friend says he has to leave by mid-Oct.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My ex-husband was laid off yesterday (he's also essentially homeless). He's reached the bottom of the bottom and all I keep thinking about is not getting a child support check from him. I am having trouble sympathizing with him. He left the marriage by choice to pursue a relationship with another women (that has since failed). I have forgiven him and moved on but still, I am actually angry that he won't be paying me child support. I'm actually the only person in his life right now that is giving him the time of day. I have had to struggle when he initially abandoned us, now I feel like I have to struggle with this loss of income for my child. I don't worry that my child will suffer, I have a lot of help and she will never do without, but it makes life a whole lot harder for me becasue of the money I'm not getting from her father. My ex husband is embarking on the hardest journey of his life right now, being at the bottom of the life ladder and trying to work himself back up (if God is good to him, that is). Do I sound ungrateful or am I justified in my anger? How can I have more compassion for him?

NOTE: I know religious discussion is not allowed so hopefully this thread will not turn into that. Thanks.

I am not religious and frankly reason and common sense are just as good as religion.

Look at it from this perspective....(it is all about perception).

Imagine still be married to him while he climbs back up his ladder and having to support him in your home.

And you are not alone. My brother's GF is doing medical testing to support herself and child as extra income. (It pays pretty well actually!) Her ex is also jobless and homeless right now.

 

[DVC Sadie]

I think this is what's called a "teachable moment". You will be able to teach your child compassion. No matter what - he is still the father of your child and your child is looking to you for guidance in being a moral person. You say you are the only one giving him the time of day - continue to do that. What if you abandon him, and he does something rash? I'm not saying it would be your fault (it wouldn't) but that would be guilt you would need to erase. Also, if he is unemployed, can you apply for federal/state to pick up part of his tab?

So hold your head up and you and your child show compassion to your ex. Don't let him take advantage of you, but he is still human, your child's father (and you wouldn't have your child if not for him), and he's a child of God (religious discussion or not). Whether he thanks you down the road or not is irrelevant. It is YOUR job to do the right thing NOW.

I don't believe in karma - because bad things happen to good people, so where's the karma in that?

I agree, great post.

Most of the time I don't believe in Karma. Like you, I see lots of good people that bad things happen to through no fault of their own. I also people who benefit from behaving in the most unethical manner.

 

[Angelhalo]

NY I pm'd you! Hope it helps

 

[Pigeon]

Your feelings are your feelings, and you are entitled to them. It's what you do about them that matters. So long as you don't bad mouth their father to your kids and as long as you can continue to be civil to him, you've done your part.

Obviously it is not a good thing for you to not be getting the child support your kids deserve--why would you be happy about that? It's a rotten situation for you, just as it is a rotten situation for your ex.