Trouble getting kids to sleep at night.

[wdwmom0f3]

I am beginning to believe that my kids are nocturnal. I am having the worst time getting my 11 & 8 year old children to bed at night. If that's not bad enough, they want to sleep in my room. We have gone through times of this but here lately it has gotten worse and DH is fed up with it. I hate to be mean at bed time, but they are driving me crazy too and I end up fussing at them.

Tonight, they promised me that if I took them to see UP, they would sleep in their rooms. Well it's 1:00 and they are finally asleep in their own rooms after fussing & crying and me laying down with me son. I'm just sick of it and I have got to come up with some kind of plan to get this resolved. I have threatened to call Nanny 911. I guess it would be funny but I'm to embarrassed to do it.
Does anyone have any advice? I know that my kids are spoiled & have had control of me and I have got to get it back. I just need a good plan.

 

[zoemurr]

more help than this but my kids love to listen to stories on CDs when they go to bed. Keeps them happy even if they can't sleep. When my son went through a spell that he wanted to be with us we let him sleep on the floor.. but he was much younger.

You need to really crack down and do what "Nanny" would do. She would put them to bed at their bedtime and tell them they can't come out. If they come out she would not talk to them at all, and walk them back to bed. Over and over until they stay. Ignore the crying/fussing.

This is usually done with younger kids though. For yours I would make a definite plan before you put them in there. Come out 1x: lose tv for next day, 2x: tv and computer, 3x: etc. so they know the consequences. If they come out just look at them and say, "No tv tomorrow, go back to bed." You need to be firm and consistent.

My kids are the same ages as yours and go to bed every night between 8:30-9 easily. But I am a "mean" mom when I need to be.

HTH

 

[Mouse House Mama]

This too shall pass.
I wanted to say that once I hit puberty I was not a good sleeper. I stayed up a lot at night and of course was tired during the day. No matter how I tried I just couldn't turn it around. Your kids are a bit younger though, I would just create a bedtime routine like you would for a toddler. Make a schedule and every single night adhere to it. This way the kids know what comes next. Make sure they ahve enough down time to let their minds unwind. Maybe after dinner- take a shower, put on pj's and read a book? If they don't want to sleep alone then tell them they can sleep together. The first week may be hard but if you don't give in eventually they will know that they have no other choice and they will get used to the routine of it.
Good luck!

 

[TinaLala]

Okay my kids listen to cds too, but we stick to a very strict schedule. We read for about 20 mins and then they have to stay in their beds. The biggest thing is that they have to help themselves fall asleep.

As hard as it may be you cannot go running into their room when they cry because that gives them a restart and wakes them back up. Stay strong when they start to cry.

I agree with the ignoring them when they come out. Make a statement that they need to go to bed and that this is adult time. Ignore them.

Keep to a schedule. It will be super tough the first few weeks, but stick to it. Once you get them into a schedule they will be tired at 9pm and ask to go to bed.

 

[mjkacmom]

The only one of my kids who's every slept in our bed is dd6, who started a couple of years ago, and crawls in about once every 2 months. To stop her, we bribe her - she gets ice cream for breakfast of she doesn't do it (it only takes one try). Dd12 has a bedroom on the third floor, and has been putting herself to bed since she's been 8. We've never had a bedroom routine longer than 30 seconds, and our kids just go to sleep without issue - "goodnight, sleep tight, I love you, see you in the morning" - that's it, and has been it since they've been babies. They're such good sleepers, even when we're on vacation.

 

[CyndiLooWho]

I agree with the others on having a bedtime routine and a strict bedtime. It makes things go a lot better. Getting them up at roughly the same time in the morning is another biggie. If they sleep until 10:00am b/c they didn't go to sleep until after midnight, they are not going to be ready to go to bed at 9:00pm. I don't let my kids sleep longer than 8:00am.

When our older son was adjusting to his ADHD meds, our ped suggested using melatonin to help regulate his sleep at night. It worked then, and has worked for jet lag on overseas trips, and on those nights when the boys just couldn't get to sleep.

Melatonin is not a drug, it is the chemical our bodies produce to help make us sleepy. Giving a single pill 15-45 minutes before bedtime (I've been told and read several different times) helps make your child feel sleepy. After a week or so of taking it, their bodies start to produce it on their own.

It's readily available in the vitamin aisle at just about any store. I keep it on hand b/c there are times when one of us just can't quite get to sleep; this helps a lot.

 

[sunnyday123]

Benadryl.


Ok, just kidding. The best time to work on this is the weekend. ( now) Put them to bed, and when they come out, put 'em back. Let them know if something in the way of an emergency happens, you're there, but otherwise, stay in your room. And sleep. Limit talking to them, DON'T lay down with them, and just keep putting them back. Good luck .

 

[wdwmom0f3]

We have had a loooong talk about this today and they both promise to do better. DH said that he would help, so we will see. Normally it's just me fighting them and I am so tired that I just cave. Anyway, we will see how it goes. Thanks for all of the great advice, I am about to put it to the test.

 

[brymolmom]

The best thing about sleeping trouble at those ages is that they understand consequences and they have lots of priviledges to take away. Good going on the 'long talk' and the 'promises', however, I would add to that long talk with consequences. Here you are darlings...we are changing things and this is what is expected of you (for example - you are to be in your own bed by 9:00 and even if you don't want to sleep must be quiet and stay in bed) and what consequence you will get if you do not do what is expected (if you make a big fuss or get out of bed for more than one potty break (on your own) - you will not have Wii for a week OR you will not play baseball for a week OR you will not have dessert for 2 nights OR you will not play with friends for 1 day, etc. - whatever will be most effective with your own children).

Almost forgot to add to think carefully and make sure dh agrees with the consequence you give - because the MOST IMPORTANT part is for you BOTH to follow through and take away the priviledge - otherwise might as well not do it at all.

I know my dd would LOVE it if I did the ice cream for breakfast thing like a pp (she'd behave in a second for that) - but I just can't see giving them something special like that for doing what really is expected of them. And at 8 and 11 - they KNOW what to do and are just choosing not to do it. So that, to me at least, equates to punishment.

Oh and my kids are GREAT sleepers - We have friends over and they often comment how they wish they could get their kids in bed at 8:00 with other people there. And then we enjoy the rest of the evening as adult-only time. Then when we go to friends' houses they have their kids all over the place climbing all over us while we try to have some adult conversation at 10pm! UGH!

 

[TheDizMom]

I have a rather nocturnal 8 year old DD and a 12 year old DS who can have a tough time getting to sleep at night myself, so I understand where you are coming from. I am also a parent who needs some down time at night so I have a strict 9:15 bed time for my kids. I also know that neither one of them is going to fall asleep at that time, no matter what I do, so they are allowed to do something quiet in their rooms like read, draw or listen to music until they are ready to sleep. They must stay in their rooms though! This gives them a chance to unwind and it is much less stressful on me.

They also have a strict no sleeping in Mom and Dad's bed rule unless there are unusual circumstances, like a nightmare or severe thunderstorm. I just can't sleep with them in bed with me, so I simply don't allow it. I think on this count you are just going to have to go for several nights of crying and whatever else until they understand you aren't giving in and they have to sleep in their own rooms. It will not be fun, but they are going to get the point and sleep in their own beds. They are old enough to understand that your room is your room and their room is their room and that's just the way it is.

Good luck!

 

[sk!mom]

With an 11 and an 8 year old it is wayyyyy past time to "be mean"!! Your poor DH. No wonder he's frustrated after 11 years of this.

By the way, I do not consider it mean, it's called being the parent. You tell them the bedtime and where they will sleep and they comply or have consequences. If they promised to go to bed if they saw the movie and then did not then my child would sacrifice any other special outings and TV for today. If they repeated the behavior tonight, then tomorrow would be a "no fun" day, as well. This would continue until they complied. Oh, and they wouldn't be in my bed another night.

If we were talking about toddlers, I'd come up with tips or incentives but with a preteen and an 8 year old it's ridiculous that this is an issue. Set a reasonable bedtime and stick to it. Also, make them get up at a reasonable time so that they are tired.

 

[sk!mom]

The only one of my kids who's every slept in our bed is dd6, who started a couple of years ago, and crawls in about once every 2 months. To stop her, we bribe her - she gets ice cream for breakfast of she doesn't do it (it only takes one try). Dd12 has a bedroom on the third floor, and has been putting herself to bed since she's been 8. We've never had a bedroom routine longer than 30 seconds, and our kids just go to sleep without issue - "goodnight, sleep tight, I love you, see you in the morning" - that's it, and has been it since they've been babies. They're such good sleepers, even when we're on vacation.

This is very similar to our routine and sleeping in our bed has NEVER been an option. I think that the best thing is to keep bedtime simple and nonnegotiable.

 

[taymacsmom]

Do they share a room? Maybe if they slept together in the same room they would comfort each other and not need you. Otherwise, my only suggestion is to wean them off of the need for you gradually. Maybe sit with them in their room for less and less time each night until you don't have to do it at all. And remember, in the blink of an eye they will be teenagers and not "need" you anymore and you may actually wish you could have the "quiet" time at night back!

 

[Colinsmom]

Do they ever drink caffeinated drinks - coke, pepsi, etc? Caffeine affects my ability to sleep if I consume it after about 2pm, and it amazes me at how many kids I see drinking caffeinated soda at restaurants at dinner time. Is there something else about their diet that may be physically affecting their ability to sleep? If not, bedtime is bedtime. They are old enough to understand that, and you need to enforce it. My 6.5yo and 3yo go down easily and know that they need to stay in their room. We have a longish bedtime routine, but start it early so that they are still in bed by 7:30pm, which is the time that works for our family and DS1's school schedule.

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

I had an issue with my 4yo sleeping in my bed and I wasn't getting ANY sleep so I put a pillow and sleeping bag on my side of the bed, if he tried to get into be with me I made him sleep there instead. He still came in 4 nights out of 7, but at least I was getting more sleep.

Also, Chuck E. Cheese has reward charts on their website. We printed one for sleeping out and each night DS slept in his own bed all night he got a sticker. I put an alarm clock in his room and once it was after 5 am he was allowed to get in my bed to snuggle until I had to get up at 6. When you fill up the chart and take it in you get 10 tokens, it has two weeks on it.

Your kids are really old enough to tell you why they won't sleep in their own beds, I really think you should get to the root of the problem or nip it in the bud. If they won't give you a legit reason for it then it needs to stop. With my DS he couldn't tell me what was wrong, but I finally figured out he was afraid I wouldn't be there when he woke up because when Dh left for Iraq he fell asleep before DH said good-bye, DH woke him up, but he didn't really wake (he was almost 3yo then). I had another DS that used to sleep with me when he was 4, but it was because he liked to snuggle so we did some snuggle time before bed and I told him no more sleeping with me, he had to sleep in his own bed because we just didn't fit in mine and he was fine, didn't even whine about it. The rule is that they can come to my room if they're sick or have a really bad dream, if they take advantage of the bad dream thing then it will stop, but they never have.

 

[cuppycake]

Well, I'll be the one who says that i don't think you should "be mean", I think you should talk with them. Try to figure out together what might be going on. It sounds like there could be more to it than them just wanting their way.

I have a niece (who is 11) who goes through these kinds of periods sometimes. She's always been a needy child at night...it's just her nature. My sister realizes that she has times in her life when she is insecure for some reason or another (a new teacher at school, nervous about doing well in a class, a lot of pressure in softball), and adapts to it. There are times when she just feels better when someone is with her at night. So, when she has these problems, my sister sets up a sleeping bag for her in her room. Funny thing is, she goes to sleep just fine, but wakes up in the middle of the night and doesn't want to be alone.

In any case....all of this to say that you might want to think on this as to what is going on. Make a routine, of course....keep it consistent and that will help, no doubt. Think about your children's personalities and how you might help them feel better about the whole thing. For us, I have one who LOVES sleep and will just curl up and lay down at bedtime and that's it (my younger daughter who is 4). My older daughter (6) is a serious extrovert and really craves people being near her. With her, we've learned that if we do bedtime routine (bath, brush teeth, potty, books, lights out) then sit with her for a few minutes to allow her to get her thoughts out of her head, she will then fall asleep (we still sit with her) very easily. She knows that we care about her feelings, this makes her feel safe, and quite honestly, we LOVE that time with her learning about what she is thinking and how her day was. Those extra 10 min are so much better for all of us than fighting her for an hour. And, as she gets older, it's obvious that she's needing us less.

Good luck, momma. It's never easy, but there are plenty of approaches for you...you'll find the one that works for your family!!!

 

[DisneyIsMyNeverland]

It's always taken me awhile to get to sleep. Finally, at about age 10, my parents started letting me choose when I went to bed as long as I woke up in the morning in time to get ready for school. Maybe make it a rule that they have to be in their rooms at a certain time, but they can choose when to go to bed? They can read or play quietly, but they get to choose when they sleep.

Also, I went through a phase when I was about 8 or 9 when I wanted to sleep in my parents' room. They put a sleeping bag on the floor next to the bed and I would come climb in that when I needed reassurance that they were there. Eventually I became secure and didn't need the sleeping bag in there anymore. Maybe you could try that?

 

[brergnat]

Are your kids getting enough physical activity during the day, every day? Are they going OUTSIDE and running around for at least an HOUR each day?

My first suggestion would be to make sure they are TIRED enough to go to bed. Kids at that age should not be up that late...something is definitely up. I agree about the caffeine intake...check that. If they DO drink caffeinated drinks, cut them off by noon. Make sure they are getting physical activity in the afternoon...playing outside. Join them if you have to!

If I had to guess, I'd say a big percentage of this problem probably has to do with being overtired in the first place, and the rest is an emotional thing. There is probably some feelings of needing a "connection" with you and your DH that they feel they are missing out on during the day. Do you both work long hours? Do you spend a lot of time together as a family? Your kids might feel neglected (not on purpose! I'm not accusing you of anything...just saying what might be going through their heads). Often, when kids feel they are not getting enough attention during the DAY, they use the nighttime, when the parents are home and together, to try to get that attention.

Rather than get "fed up" with them, and try to be "mean", try to get to the root of the problem. Talk to your kids and/or try to figure out WHY they are acting this way, and try to problem solve and figure out a solution that will eliminate this acting out. If your kids are getting the attention and activity that they need during the day, they will not feel the need to seek it out at night...

Good luck. You and your DH need your time alone at night, but your kids need your time during the day. It's a balancing act for sure. I hope you can solve this problem soon!