Traveling with another Family - Am I in trouble?

[caribbound]

I think I'm posting this for therapeutic reasons as well as to get some experienced thoughts of wisdom. I don't want to read a ton of "first impression" thoughts by everyone with a strong opinion I guess, if that doesn't sound too harsh.

This is our second trip to WDW with our kids, 7-13. I've always admired people on my vacations who are with a group of friends or family and have often tried to think of people to go with us as a couple or family with little luck. I guess we just don't have superb close friendships as a couple/family like others do. Unfortunate.

Well we get along with a family who my husband works with, they live far away so don't know each other well but things seemed like they would mesh well. We decided to get a 5 BR house for the 10 of us rather than 2 timeshare condos. We've been open about potential problems and understand we don't have to spend every minute together (9 days) and it will be somewhat trying with a couple adhd kids thrown into the bag. But we thought the savings and time saved spent going back and forth made the large house with private pool sound good.

New twist came up as we spent New Year's Eve with them and their just turned 16 yo had her 15 yo friends over drinking. Where I would have poured out the containers that looked like 7 UP and probably taken all but maybe one best friend (who has permission to drink at their house ) home, this couple rolled their eyes, asked what was in it, and later took the one boy home to get his supply to bring back under the pretense he was getting some hand-me-downs for their sons. Anyone over 14 knew why he was going home and I made sure the hosts knew in case they didn't pick up on the conversation. I made sure we didn't stick around until midnight to see the teen's conditions and open drinking in front of my own 13, 10 and 7 yr olds.

This behavior was a complete shock. Though I know some parents do let their teens drink at home and sometimes serve others, it's not what I expected from what I knew of this couple. I've since written a few emails to the Mom explaining why we left, making sure she knew I wasn't judging her but protecting my own values I'm trying to instill in my kids. The last email I sent yesterday I don't think she ever opened either out of spite or she's not in the office for two days? She hasn't replied to any of them (though I know she read the first two). In the last email I stated that I need them, as a couple/family, to decide whether the teen is expecting to drink or will be allowed to drink while on vacation. If they say no but she expects it because it's common at home celebrations (this is their first family vacation so will indeed be a celebratory event), then she will help herself on the couple nights we planned to have parent's night out. My son is only one grade lower then her but with a good head on his shoulders, yet still a teen, and my 10 yo is VERY impressionable thinking teens are so cool. I said if she will drink at all, we will get alternate housing and the kids will not be allowed to babysit together. Where I would pay the entire house payment if THEY found a hotel, I don't think they would or could do the same. January is low season so I have no doubt that we could find something, albeit not necessarily the great deal we have now.

Our dynamics tripwise is one night in Tampa, the Gasparilla Extravaganza/parade only, then driving over to Kissimmee Sat evening. Park passes are 6 days and we leave Sun AM. so we'll be busy for the most part unless the kids get bored with the parks. The house also has a game room with pool and darts, etc. and the community has a large pool with waterslide and game room.

Am I the ?prude? to think this isn't normal? Am I fooling myself to think it can still work out? Should I just wait out the weekend and see how she responds next week when she's had time to think and cool down if she's raging mad at me? I really did emphasize I wasn't judging her but needed to protect my children's experiences of "normal".

Please reply if you have good advice or words of comfort. No flaming the other family, just objective viewpoints please. TIA!!

 

[karibritt01]

You are in a tough spot! While I have no problem drinking occasionally in front of my kids, we do stress that it is an adult thing. I would be VERY uncomfortable with them if they did allow their daughter to drink. To be honest, I would probably be the one to cancel the house reservation. Since you already have issues with them, spending a week together with tension is NO vacation. See if she responds to your emails first. If she doesn't, you could try to call and talk about the trip in a non-confrontational way. If things don't go well, then let her know you are no longer interested in sharing the house. At that point, you can either get neighboring condos, or go your own ways.

Keep in mind that while you want to have friends to do stuff with, this may not be the family. If their values are so different from yours, do you really want them around your children? Consider what went on in front of the parents faces, and that kids always act out more when their parents aren't around. Also, I would be willing to bet the parents of all the other kids didn't know what was going on. JMHO. Hope everything works out.

 

[tjmw2727]

That is a very tight spot you are in.

Having vacationed at WDW with family - at separate resorts your situation sounds (IMHO) like tension extreme. Even with like minded friends and all our kids who got along very well, by the last day of a 4 day ski weekend we were all ready to separate, and that was with no issues.

If I were you I would consider offering an alternative while being as honest but tactful as you can. Tell her you are not comfortable with her teen drinking and considering making alternate arrangements. Mabye ask her what other options she will consider so you can still vacation together while each keeping to their own "lifestyle".

I think you have to put the values you have tried so hard to instill in your kids before the feelings of the other couple.

If she isn't answering e-mail it may be time to jot down a few notes and give her a call to discuss your feelings.

Good luck ~

TJ

 

[carrie s]

You are NOT a prude. If I was in your position I would cancel.I know,thats easier said then done. They will probably be upset at you but you have to put your kids and the values you are trying to teach them first.

 

[LegoMom3]

Please consider, too, that underage drinking is illegal in all our 50 states. I see stuff in the paper all too frequently where some party was broken up and parents DO get in trouble with the law for supplying and/or allowing it in their home! I just plain wouldn't want anything to do with that. Personally I would not be comfortable sharing a home with this family for any amount of time. Good luck in your decision.

 

[DawnMarie]

I would cancel this trip. I would not want to expose my family to another family that is showing a lack of moral values and blatantly breaking the law. I really would careless if they were upset as to why I cancelled the trip. It is your obligation to protect you family. Despite any assuranes they give you there is no way you can be certain this young person will not be allowed to drink with or without the parents permission.

Food for thought: Any adult present while underage drinking is taking place could be held responsible whether they are the parent or not.

 

[vassello]

Is there anyway you can contact the management company of the rental house to see if you could exchange your rental for 2 separate condos? It may be possible to exchange your rental for a different place and not lose too much money. You could all still get together for meals or outings, but this way everyone would have their own space to do what they want to do on vacation. Best of luck.

 

[MomofCKJ]

I would also back out of this and find a seperate place to stay and do your own trip.

We travel every year to a beach in Maine with our closest friends. They also have 3 kids, same ages as ours, and we have done this for oh, 9 years now. We have many friends but these are the ONLY ones we would do a week long trip with. You can be great friends but travelling is a completely different story. My best friend from childhood, love her dearly, she and I can not travel together. We just do things so very differently.

Anyway, this family we do travel with it works because we understand boundaries, spending time together/spending time apart and because we are on the same page with parenting and values. I can leave my kids with them and not worry that something I deem inappropriate will happen and vice verca. We can be around them and not have an iota of concern that something iffy will come up.

If I were in your shoes I would not feel comfortable sharing a house and a vacation with people who allow their kids to break the law. It would make it very tense for me.

I hope you can come to a decision that is best for YOUR family.

Allyson

 

[caribbound]

Cancelling the trip altogether is not an option. Non refundable air, house is paid for in full and it's an overseas owner, not a large company, though they do have management in the area for key issuance and pool upkeep and cleaning, etc. The only thing I could cancel is staying in the same house. Only her teen knows we are going, it's going to be a surprise for the younger boys. My 13 ds is looking forward to fun with a friend (they get along great even though their son is 3 yrs younger) and will be sharing a room and is flying down with them after school because our original flights got cancelled and rescheduled to goofy times. The girls, dh and I are flying down in the am because I don't mind them missing the extra day of school and it would be harder for them arriving in Tampa at 11 PM.

If we get separate housing we would be out $700, which is pennies to some of you, but I spend most of my time on the budget board for a reason! I have a hard time justifying the extra $50-100 for minivan vs SUV just so the kids don't have to touch each other in the car! We've shared a house before with another family, same size, including our dog and their two dogs. We absolutely loved it and would do it again! (Except now they have 4 kids and 5 dogs!! We had not met that couple since our honeymoon 15 yrs earlier! But through Christmas letters and birth announcements kept in touch and knew we had the same values.

I thought this family did also, although they're not currently active in church. Mom said her parents bought her a 1/4 barrel of beer for her 16th bday. While I never knew of a similar situation growing up, there is a difference in that at the time the legal limit was 18, not 21, and public knowledge of the damage was much less.

I left no option if the 16 yr old will drink then we will not share the house. If it seems questionable even though Mom assures that was never a consideration, then either we (dh and I) will have to make sure alcohol is not left at the house or take separate parent nights out so the kids are never left alone.

My dh doesn't know yet that I sent the emails and I'm sure if he reads them I'll be in deep. We did discuss and "agree" that if the teen was allowed to drink then we would get alternate housing, but he is a peacemaker and I don't know if he would willingly go along with implementing this as it took too many problem instances before he agreed to go home early on New Year's Eve.

FWIW, this girl isn't boy crazy thankfully, but she there are 20 girls pg at her school!!! Maybe there's just NOTHING to do in their town.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

All I have to say is Good Luck! I think it is worth losing the money to get your own place - you can't put a price on your sanity.

We have traveled with other families before and won't do it again. Too much drama and stress!

 

[karibritt01]

Since canceling isn't an option, I would suggest just being real careful. Do your own things as families during the day, and meet for dinner as planned. I would skip the parents night out all together, though. I wouldn't be any more comfortable leaving my kids with the parents than with the DD. Do a date night after you get back home. As for the trip, remind your kids beforehand what is appropriate, then smile, bite your tongue, and make the best of it! Good luck!

 

[yellownovawife]

YOU ARE NOT A PRUDE!!!!!
it is so sad that in this day and age we have to second-guess ourselves just for reinforcing basic, law-abiding behaviour in teens!
I am definitely not a prude but I would do the same as you and I hope you are able to work it out!

 

[qruthie]

I'm assuming that you are very uncomfortable being in a situation where someone is obviously breaking the law whether or not your children are there so I suggest following your own moral code first. I know I wouldn't be comfortable in a home where the parents condoned underage drinking, especially because if the authorities show up (What if a kid drinks enough alcohol to require emergency room treatment?), I could be held legally responsible. You had the option to leave the New Year celebration when you became uncomfortable. What are your options if underage drinking takes place while you are on vacation? Would you be willing to leave the rental home and try to find other accommodations on a moment's notice? Are you even willing to risk being put in the position of having to decide whether or not to leave? Now ask those same questions with your children in the picture. I'd think those things through very carefully. I believe you are religious so pray for guidance and definitely ask your minister, pastor, priest, rabbi or whatever their title is for guidance too.

If you decide to share a home with this family then have a back up plan in place in case you decide to leave the shared home part way through the vacation. If you feel you would not want to deal with making that decision on an emergency basis, then I suggest you change your housing plans now and lose your money. It's a lot of money but peace of mind and being able to enjoy your vacation is probably worth the expense.

I'd try to work with the parents a bit to find out their usual boundaries regarding underage drinking and to set the boundaries regarding drinking during your trip. It isn't clear to me if the family routinely lets kids drink or if the decided to overlook it for the New Year celebration. Yes, it's illegal either way but if it was a one time event then you shouldn't have to worry so much. If the kids are expecting to be able to drink, one thing you can do is volunteer to be the "bad cop" where you become the person who lays down the law and says no underage drinking will be allowed. That gives the other parents an out, everyone gets to blame you for being the party pooper. I do this with my kids. If they are invited to do something popular but don't want to go and feel uncomfortable saying no, they always have my permission to tell the host that I said they can't attend. The only rule is they have to tell me I said no!

Is the house rented in your name? If so, you do get to call the shots and can set a no underage drinking policy. If the other family doesn't want to agree to that policy, I suggest you stick by your values, change your housing arrangement and lose your money. Again, it's a lot of money but peace of mind and being able to enjoy your vacation is probably worth the expense. It won't be much of a vacation if house is full of tension.

The parents night out and babysitting thing would be a no go for me at this point whether or not you change your housing plans. When the time comes, I'd make up an excuse about being too tired to go out or deciding to do something with the kids now that we're here. This type of change of heart isn't unusual. We had planned to send our children to one of the child care places in the Disney resorts or hire a Disney approved sitter to come to our room so we could have a night out as a couple. Well, when it came down to it, we decided we wanted to spend that time as a family. If you feel too tired to go out and the other parents still want to go out, you can always offer to watch their children.

Your are definitely in a bind but if you think things through carefully and plan accordingly, I think you should still be able to have a nice vacation with this family whether or not you decide to share a home.

 

[daisyduck123]

Haven't read the other replies, but here's mine....

Knowing what you know, I would NEVER share a house with this family for 9 days.
They allow their teen to drink?!!!
This is a red flag that their family values are not the same as yours & there will be problems sharing a house with them.

I'd get out of your situation now.


I would've never agree to share a house for 9 days with a family I didn't know well anyway, but that's besides the point.

 

[flying_babyb]

wow! My mom would let me drink was I was 18 but that was only wine coolers.

 

[disnutt]

I wouldn't want to allow my kids to be alone w/ these people. However, I think email has the potential for misunderstandings and making things sound worse than they are. Not that this isn't pretty bad. Email can just sound nasty especially if you don't know the people well.

I'd call or visit them to see if they are willing to do w/o the alcohol on this trip or to work out other arrangements. Email is just too impersonal. I don't know how closely your DH works w/ this guy but to make it easier in the future for him I would do my communication on the phone or in person.

Good luck getting this worked out.

 

[2poohbears]

I wouldn't want to allow my kids to be alone w/ these people. However, I think email has the potential for misunderstandings and making things sound worse than they are. Not that this isn't pretty bad. Email can just sound nasty especially if you don't know the people well.

I'd call or visit them to see if they are willing to do w/o the alcohol on this trip or to work out other arrangements. Email is just too impersonal. I don't know how closely your DH works w/ this guy but to make it easier in the future for him I would do my communication on the phone or in person.

Good luck getting this worked out.

These are exactly the thoughts I had while reading the previous posts. I think you would most likely have a better response from the other family if you talked in person. I know you would lose a lot of money if you tried to cancel everything altogether, so at this point, it's probably best if you have
a one on one conversation about your concerns. THINK about how and what you will say before you call or go over there, so they are not automatically defensive or insulted, and you'll get better cooperation from them.

Also, I would definitely not leave my children alone with this family, since giving alcohol to their underage child is a major lapse in judgement, IMO. I would also plan my days at WDW, so that I'm not with them for the majority of the time. Maybe plan to get together for character meals, parades, that kind of thing. And I wouldn't plan future vacations together after this, obviously. Good luck.

 

[caribbound]

Thank you everyone for your honest and somewhat objective input. My husband works with the mom, different departments. He originally said a couple years ago we would get along because she listens to Christian radio, similar age kids, etc. They were very involved in church before moving to the current local, but have not attended more than a few times since, which is at least 2 years. Church is a big part of our lives and Contemporary Christian music is moslty all I listen to since we got a great radio station in our area 5 yrs ago. While I love the style of Alanis Morisette, I could never be comfortable letting my kids listen to her words. We won't even discuss Madonna, heh (not that all her music is bad, but I won't condone buying it and have my future teens explore into her other "work").

I feel better knowing that I'm not in the minority in thinking New Year's Eve was a shocker. Unless those who do allow such are remaining silent for fear of flaming. I know this mom has discussed with one of the other teen's moms that it's ok for their daughter to have a drink at her house, so obviously it's not a one time thing. I don't know how often the two friends actually do such, or if the group excessive drinking has ever happened before. The 16 yr old did get mad that this is the first New Years Eve she can't drink in her own home when her mom initially said no to the brandy slush. The girl made quite a scene to call her mom's bluff, quite effectively I might add. She knew why Mom was saying no (me/us). So if it's the first NOT to drink, it's had to be common at least for two years prior putting her at 14.

But that's not the issue at hand. I will wait for her reply next week, as she does most of her computer work at work. If she hasn't replied by Tues Pm I'll have my dh arrange lunch for the three of us to work it out. My stress level is way high now but I want to give her time to discuss with her husband and daughter before putting her on the spot.

The house is in my name, so I guess it won't be as easy just to find an alternate place because I would be liable for any damage.

I must say this gave perfect opportunity to validate my tight grip on wanting to know who's house my son is at and why he can't go there many times if we don't know the family. (He is a small/yioung freshman on varsity wrestling so he has some new friends who are juniors and seniors). He knows we never expected this even though we DO know this family. I'm very pleased about that, just wish it could have occurred AFTER the trip, lol! More to his level is that their 10 yo plays M video games and I won't let my 13 yo play very many T games. I'm sure movies would be another issue but we won't have time for them anyway.

 

[snowwite]

I wish you luck and pixie dust.
A former friend and I no longer socialize and it is because of a joint trip we took to WDW. I brought my kids and she brought her grandkids. Her granddaughter was a spoiled,rude little brat who nearly ruined the entire trip.
For ex- at Chef Mickey she grabbed ALL the pizza off the kids buffet and picked just the cheese off. I told her that was not nice because other kids are hungry too,etc and my friend says to her DGD "dont listen to her this is your vacation and grammy paid enough here that youj can take whatever you want" when i said something about it being wasteful she glared at me said she didnt care as she paid for more than the kid eats anyway! There were a lot more instances like that too. She shoved past other kids to see characters in parks,told me to "shut up" and when I told her not to hit my DS while we were on the monrail she yelled that she didnt have to listed because "your not my mother". I said something like "Thankl God for that!"
My friend planned to booze it up and flirt etc while the kids were swimming. That left me watching 4 kids in the pool and her 2 didnt listen.
People can be so different on vacation. It was a real eye opener.
They went home 4 days earlier than we did and I have barely seen or spoken to her since.
I really hope that your trip goes a lot better!

 

[MiniGirl]

Church is a big part of our lives and Contemporary Christian music is moslty all I listen to since we got a great radio station in our area 5 yrs ago.

I know this is OT. Please forgive me, but I wanted to let you know that Orlando has a great Christian radio station - Z88.3. You can even listen to them online at zradio.org. I'm listening to it right now in fact. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know.