Traveling with another Family - Am I in trouble?

[bdklein]

Obviously you didn't read the whole post with additional comments by me. The key was ADULT movies and video games. We have GameCube, Wii, Nintendo DS and GameBoy SPs here. I play some of it too. But there are only a couple teen games I let my oldest play (Star Wars, Spiderman) and they let their 7 and 10 yo. play Mature rated games. Not even their oldest, older than mine, would be able to buy that in the store on their own. There's a reason for ratings. Getting to bed is all relative to what is happening at the time and when we need to get to the park in the AM. Young kids need regular sleep or the parents and others in line around them pay for it the next day. Their kids are just as young but are very wild and unstructured, so if my girls are trying to go to bed I don't want yelling and running through the house by kids the same age as them, nor am I going to wait in the morning, as we all know the best time to be at the park, because nobody got enough sleep to get up in a happy mood.
My guess is you are at the least not a parent, and more likely a teen yourself. But thanks for the warning.

I am married for 8 years, with 2 kids (6 and 3). They have bedtime during the week (older one is in first grade, and wife and I both work almost full-time) . On weekends and holidays we are flexible with the bedtime (but not up forever). We gauge their demeanor, and keep in mind what we did that day and have coming up the next day. We also reward them on those weekends and holidays (sleepovers, later nights, extra tv or books) if they are extra helpful around the house, or exhibit extra good behavoir. On New Years Eve, they can stay up as late as they want.

We went to Disney for a full week in May. Again there was not set bedtime. We gauged their fatigue and crakiness, and weighed it against what we thought we wanted to do the next day. At no point did either kid have a meltdown, inspite of the activity and sunshine. My daughter still talks about how we went swimming after 10 PM, and how great that was.

And by the way, you are welcome for the warning.

 

[sPaRkLeSpAz]

Wow... Good luck with your trip. Your in a very tight spot.. I hope it all goes okay. =]

 

[caribbound]

Car, I love the way you handled that Way to go!

Thank you!

I am married for 8 years, with 2 kids (6 and 3).

My apologies, I made my guess based on the style of post.

And by the way, you are welcome for the warning.

I do have to say that while I agree with the no drinking rule, I too would be pretty peeved if you thought you were going to tell me what my kids could watch, what games they could play, what time we all had to wake and sleep etc. I also understand and agree with nobody running around yelling when my kids are trying to get to bed. But truthfully- it is not your decision what others do with their kids. ...
but again- that is their choices and as a parent I'll be darned if you will tell me what my kids can and can't do. I would expect nothing more than common courtesy from them. Anything more than that in my opinion would be just plain rude. JMHO.

I truly hope your children stay as great as you say. Racing games depicting rape, swearing and murder are not what makes for a great society, from a statistical point of view of what kids like those from Columbine High School watch and play (just one example). I'll keep my kids innocent from that garbage as long as they're in my control. (I understand completely they may do, say, ingest, watch things I don't approve of when not in my control, which can be as simple as being across the street out of view) There are plenty of games that accomplish the same goal of a race without need for a T or M rating. The rating has nothing to do with the difficulty level.

As far as you not putting up with me imposing my values on your family, you would have likely not been changing my husbands car radio to a Christian music station or showing off the CD your teen made with a group of gospel music; you likely would be transparent as here, and I would not be asking you to vacation with us (or vice versa)! That is not an insult to you, just reality. We are the ones who made a poor choice based on what we knew of the family at the time (we know oh so much more now, but plane tickets were bought in March). I admit it was stupid to take the chance of sharing accomodations. We had a wonderful experience last time knowing the family only through letters. Bad judgement this time.

Honestly the money doesn't mean anything anymore. I would be happy to absorb the cost of the house and help them find a 2-3 BR house or condo. DH thinks at this point that is too insulting to ask them to stay somewhere else. I'd say they have the choice if they don't like sticking to PG/G movies on the one day we will even be at the house (good grief you guys make such a big deal out of the most minor issues!) or go in their own bedroom to watch something else. I could care less what they play or watch, unless it's in the public living room or my kids are asked to be a part of it. I watch some R movies, but not when the kids are up or in earshot.

This plea for help is over. I don't need any more opinions telling me that I should cancel the trip, or that I can't say what I will have my kids put in their brains in a situation I can have some control over. We will be at the park the majority of our trip, I just panicked and sought opinions after New Year's Eve. I think it would be best to have separate accomodations, but my husband works with this woman and he disagrees, so I respect his preference not to make things worse and that all will go fine. Thanks to those who stuck to the OP statement.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I truly hope your children stay as great as you say. Racing games depicting rape, swearing and murder are not what makes for a great society, from a statistical point of view of what kids like those from Columbine High School watch and play (just one example). I'll keep my kids innocent from that garbage as long as they're in my control. (I understand completely they may do, say, ingest, watch things I don't approve of when not in my control, which can be as simple as being across the street out of view) There are plenty of games that accomplish the same goal of a race without need for a T or M rating. The rating has nothing to do with the difficulty level.

As far as you not putting up with me imposing my values on your family, you would have likely not been changing my husbands car radio to a Christian music station or showing off the CD your teen made with a group of gospel music; you likely would be transparent as here, and I would not be asking you to vacation with us (or vice versa)! That is not an insult to you, just reality. We are the ones who made a poor choice based on what we knew of the family at the time (we know oh so much more now, but plane tickets were bought in March). I admit it was stupid to take the chance of sharing accomodations. We had a wonderful experience last time knowing the family only through letters. Bad judgement this time.

Honestly the money doesn't mean anything anymore. I would be happy to absorb the cost of the house and help them find a 2-3 BR house or condo. DH thinks at this point that is too insulting to ask them to stay somewhere else. I'd say they have the choice if they don't like sticking to PG/G movies on the one day we will even be at the house (good grief you guys make such a big deal out of the most minor issues!) or go in their own bedroom to watch something else. I could care less what they play or watch, unless it's in the public living room or my kids are asked to be a part of it. I watch some R movies, but not when the kids are up or in earshot.

[/I]

OKay- well- I did not say anywhere that I let my kids watch rape etc. thank you very much. I do also think that as far as the Columbine kids that is a parental problem. Clearly those kids were in need of help and I believe but correct me if I am wrong- that looking further into their home lives proved that. I know plenty of well adjusted, well educated adults who as kids played games that you might not find acceptable.

Also- FYI- I was very active in my church growing up and yes- I would be very happy to show off anything my child made- including a gospel cd ( I was in gospel choir in college). And for the record- we do listen to religious music almost daily but that is not all that we limit ourselves to. I had alot of religion growing up and expose my kids to it as well. I don't however think that makes me a better person which is how you have come across in your post. I am religious and have morals and values as well, but I am not holier than thou which is how you have come across to me. That is not meant to insult you- just reality after all. The point that I was trying to make before you decided I was "transparent" was that just because someone makes different choices than you would make doesn't make them immoral or the dregs of society. You can still have morals and values that are similiar but possibly have a different slant on something or a diffferent way to address it. I know plenty of people who are super religious that have children that are a mess. Does that make me shun my religion? No, not at all. Does that mean that all children who are from religious families will be a disaster? Absolutely not. The same way that non religious kids will not all be a disaster. It is the family dynamic that comes into play- not a video game or movie. I did not intend to have this off topic discussion but I thought - perhaps I was wrong - that I gave a different way to look at the situation in my previous post, instead you decided that my kids may veer off into the abyss of juvenile deliquency and we are immoral, irresponsible people. That is what I had to respond to.
God Bless.

 

[caribbound]

Sorry you feel so attacked Mouse House Mama. I wasn't saying your kids are or will be delinquents. I'm an early childhood teacher and research and statistics abound in the areas of how TV and video game violence affect kids, as well as the percentage of those who are delinquents being involved with such games. It's not all up to the parents (have not researched Columbine to know those details) how their kids turn out. Society, peers, temperament, etc all play strongly. I am willing to let my 7 yo watch more PG movies then I would the 10 yo, just because the older one is much more likely to copy inappropriate talk, actions or attitudes she sees. Mostly for shock value. I expect that to be so most of their time at home. I could let my then 11 yo come home from 7th grade and stay alone for 2 hours the two days I work. I don't know that I could do that when the 10 yo is 13 and feel confident all is well! I expect when she gets to that age I'll change hours.

As I said, I don't care what the others, or you, do or do not do in your home when my kids are not around. A bunch of drunk 15 yr olds running half naked outside in winter was a problem for me in knowing what to expect as we spend extended time together. THAT is the topic I was concerned about and truly wondered if maybe I was naive to think it was odd to say the least.
Again, you are trying to insult me with my sincere comment that I was not insulting you? Being transparent is not bad, if you are saying that was rude of me also. How many people would you truly invite to travel with your family? THAT is the reality.

 

[rwrocksme]

I don't think you're a prude. I think you're smart. It may not be a good idea to travel with them, but that's you're choice. Also, talk to your DH again.

Good luck!

 

[surfgirl]

I've been thinking about this thread and what I would do in the same situation.

One thing I would think about is what are your priorities ? You've mentioned the rating of video games that they play, the types of movies, the drinking, the early bedtimes, etc. I would recommend picking the most important thing to you and making that worth bringing up. You also need to compromise in the spirit of *sharing* a house with them.

It is not *your* house and they are guests.... its a 50/50 deal. So, in that vein, what have you compromised on ?

I always try to teach my kids that different families have different rules and that's okay. I also try to have examples of things that we get to do that other families and kids don't do. (esp. when I get the 'but they get to....')

If it were me, I wouldn't compromise on the teen drinking and bedtimes. Bedtimes for your kids, that is. Maybe ask the other parents to have 'quiet time' after 9pm (or whatever time is appropriate). Bring a sound machine or a CD that plays white noise and use it in your kids' room. I find tired children make for a long day. However, I find that busy kids on vacation also make for easy bedtimes!

As for the inappropriate tv, video, movies, etc. Maybe this is a good time to make that a 'teachable moment' and talk about whether or not its appropriate for children to watch it. Talk about your value system and how kids that watch inappropriate tv do inappropriate things because they think its okay. Its not. You can even talk about how you, as parents, learned something from this experience -- that you need to know your friends better before you commit to a big vacation with them! (Although I think this might be best saved for when you get home...).

good luck!

 

[caribbound]

Great advice.

I've been thinking about this thread and what I would do in the same situation.

One thing I would think about is what are your priorities ? You've mentioned the rating of video games that they play, the types of movies, the drinking, the early bedtimes, etc. I would recommend picking the most important thing to you and making that worth bringing up. You also need to compromise in the spirit of *sharing* a house with them.

It is not *your* house and they are guests.... its a 50/50 deal. So, in that vein, what have you compromised on ?

I always try to teach my kids that different families have different rules and that's okay. I also try to have examples of things that we get to do that other families and kids don't do. (esp. when I get the 'but they get to....')

If it were me, I wouldn't compromise on the teen drinking and bedtimes. Bedtimes for your kids, that is. Maybe ask the other parents to have 'quiet time' after 9pm (or whatever time is appropriate). Bring a sound machine or a CD that plays white noise and use it in your kids' room. I find tired children make for a long day. However, I find that busy kids on vacation also make for easy bedtimes!

As for the inappropriate tv, video, movies, etc. Maybe this is a good time to make that a 'teachable moment' and talk about whether or not its appropriate for children to watch it. Talk about your value system and how kids that watch inappropriate tv do inappropriate things because they think its okay. Its not. You can even talk about how you, as parents, learned something from this experience -- that you need to know your friends better before you commit to a big vacation with them! (Although I think this might be best saved for when you get home...).

good luck!

 

[KariC]

I've been watching this thread with so much interest! We have younger kids, and really only do the big vacations with family (mine, only LOL). We've had friends that have suggested going together, and we have never set a date...just said, "Oh, that might be fun". At this point, we wouldn't even go with our minister's family....they have different rules and guidelines for behavior for their four boys than we have for our kids. Don't think our friendship could survive that....

Good luck! I'm sure it will be tough. But, surfgirl is right. Your kids are older (and even with our 4 yr olds we talk about how different fams have different rules/toys to play with---we don't do Bratz or PG movies, I'm so mean ), and the whole teachable moment thing might really work!

p.s. I think you're totally justified in your concerns! I do volunteer work with teenagers (taking some on an overnight trip right before vacation), and you have to watch out for them...even the most well-behaved can get caught in things they don't mean to!

 

[KariC]

Carribean Girl-
How'd it go? Are you back? Give us an update...

 

[CarolA]

This woman allowed OTHER teens to drink in her house? Does the meaning of JAIL mean anything to her. RUN! (that so called permission is a joke. You can't give "permission" to break the law!)

 

[caribbound]

We got back Sunday. While Florida weather was topsy turvy (thank God the tornados didn't come our way), coming home to below zero made me glad we were there when we were. No school yesterday because of wind chills!

The week was average in my opinion. Did we have a good time? Usually. Would I plan it the same if I could do it over? Never.
Would my kids be happy with the last statement? Two out of three would not agree. I'd say the middle child would probably be neutral leaning to prefering to have the friends there.
Was anything horrible? Not at all.

Their biggest problem was my youngest hanging all over the 16 yr old, who was very gracious and sweet, but not happy by the second day about it. So the third day at the parks the older kids went on their own much of the time, checking in by phone often.

Our biggest problem was their youngest who is very slow walking and very prone to running off (ADHD - not quite right on the treatment of it) and figured out how to get under the skin of my middle child who doesn't have the temperament to ignore it.

TV and games were not an issue because the games were missing from the sleeves in the home and there was little time to watch TV. We did leave dd10 home with the teen one day because she was feeling so awful so I think she pretty much watched TV all day, probably the Disney channel. The teen had homework and wanted to lay out but I told dd she couldn't swim or spend too much time in the sun while we were gone. She did put her feet in the jacuzzi a while but I'm not concerned that this was disobedience. She was rested and ready for a fun dinner at Epcot that night. I suppose the teen could have added some Malibu to her orange juice, but as long as dd didn't see her pour it in, it didn't hurt us.

Much to my surprize, the dad decided not to go along earlier in the week that we were to leave. Mom had asked for a divorce over Christmas but wanted him to go for the boys memories of their family trip. I guess she told dh this but he didn't tell me to add to my stress. I'm not certain if it was a blessing he wasn't there or if he would have had more control over their youngest.

Would I travel with a DIFFERENT family again? Most likely but probably not WDW. Would I share a house with them. Probably not. Part of our problems were just with having different preferences and if their kids wanted to stay home, our kids wanted to stay home, etc, and we never got to the park by opening because they spend a lot of time on hair and make-up, yet didn't get up any earlier than me who doesn't. If it was our own family in the house it would be a bit easier to get them going and out the door in the AM and settled to sleep in the PM. We had a lot of whining from our own girls because of lack of sleep, colds, and not eating well (our youngest is the pickiest eater on earth ).

All in all I fretted too much and am thankful we have our marriage stabalized and our kids mostly under control other than sassing.
Thanks for the encouragement and advice. Have fun planning your own getaways.

 

[bopper]

When traveling with others, it is always best to be able to be independent. So if off site, have your own method of transportation so that you can meet them over if they want to sleep in.

 

[surfgirl]

Caribbound, thanks for the update.

Sounds like the good news is that it wasn't as bad as it could have been?

And the bad news is that it could have been better...

At what age do we get to stop having 'tough lessons learned' ???