Ellen: Hi, and welcome to the Universe of Energy. How are ya? No need to answer. You guys are probably surprised to see me here, aren't you? But then, there's probably a lot of places you'd be surprised to see me, when you think about it. If you were driving in your car, for instance, okay? Close your eyes, you're in your ca -- no, don't close your eyes in the car, but right now, think about it. You're in your car, you're driving, and then all of a sudden, from the back seat, I just pop up and go, "HEY!" You'd just whack me in the head, wouldn't you? That would be -- that wouldn't be nice, but then it wouldn't be nice for me to do that to you. How'd I get in your car, anyway? Can you -- did you lock the car? Maybe it was your fault. Maybe I'm just teaching you a lesson. But the point is, to see me here, as the spokesperson for the Universe of Energy, I mean that's crazy. You know, I'm the expert on a lot of things. You know that. I know that. But uh, not a lot of things. A few things. But energy. I mean, there was a time I could care less about it. And then, suddenly everything changed. One day, I was sitting in my apartment ... <snaps her fingers and nothing happens> I - I said, I was sitting in my apartment when <snaps her fingers again, and we see Ellen in her apartment, as well as on one side of the screen, so there are two Ellens> There it is. I'd offer you some snacks, but she -- I mean, I -- can't hear ... me. Hey, hey, you! How 'bout sharing some of those chips?
Dream Ellen: No, you're on a diet!
Ellen: Me? How 'bout you? Anyhoo, I'm watching TV, and my favorite show's about to start.
Jeopardy! Announcer: This is ... Jeopardy!
Dream Ellen: Yes!
Ellen: Told ya this was my favorite show.
<There is a knock at the door.>
Dream Ellen: What is "Who is it"?
<Bill Nye walks in.>
Ellen: And of course no one locks their doors in New York.
Bill: Hey, it's your neighbor, Bill Nye the Science Guy.
Dream Ellen: Hey, Bill Nye the Science Guy, it's Ellen the uh ... just Ellen, I guess. What can I do ya for?
Bill: I'd like to borrow some aluminum foil, a clothespin, and a candle.
Dream Ellen: Another hot date, huh?
Bill: Actually, I'm working on an experiment.
Dream Ellen: Ah, take whatever you need. I don't wanna miss any of the game.
Bill: What're you watching?
Dream Ellen: Jeopardy!
Bill: Yes!
Jeopardy! Announcer: A professor of energy at Princeton University, Dr. Judy Peterson.
Dream Ellen: Oh my gosh.
Bill: What?
Dream Ellen: It's my old college roommate, Judy Peterson. She was such a smarty-pants know-it-all. I had the best nickname for her, though.
Bill: What was that?
Dream Ellen: Stupid Judy.
Bill: Ellen, that makes no sense. She has a PhD.
Dream Ellen: I know, but it made me feel better. So now I guess she's some hot shot energetic professor.
Bill: She's a professor of energy!
Dream Ellen: Whatever. Who cares about Stupid Judy and her stupid energy?
Bill: Ellen, energy's the most important thing in ... the universe!
Dream Ellen: Oh yeah, sure, take her side.
Bill: I'm not taking her side; it's just that without energy, nothin' would go, nothin' would happen. I mean, there'd be ... nothin'.
Dream Ellen: Well, then we'd really be in jeopardy, now wouldn't we?
Bill: Yeah, well, what is, uh, "Thanks for the supplies, and, uh, see ya later"?
Dream Ellen: What is "Bye bye"?
<Bill leaves, while Judy answers a question correctly.>
Alex Trebek: Right again. Go.
Dream Ellen: <mockingly> Right again, Judy. Stupid Judy. Stupid energy. Maybe the universe needs energy, but I don't. I'll take a nap for a hundred.
Ellen: <appears talking on the phone on one side of the screen> Ha ha ha ha. I know. Big piece o' corn right there in the teeth. How could you not see -- <sees the audience looking at her> I'll have to call you back. <hangs up the phone> Ahem! Now, as most of you know, when someone falls asleep watching TV, that person is going to have a ....what? Anyone? ... Anyone.
Woman's voice: A crick in the neck?
Man's voice: A bad hair day.
Another woman's voice: A dream sequence.
Ellen: That's right, ma'am, a dream sequence! Right. Mine was more of a nightmare, actually. And uh, actually, we should get some fog in here. Always nice to spice up a dream sequence with fog. <Fog rolls across the screen where Ellen is speaking.> No, not in here. Over there. In the dream. <The fog moves into the apartment scene.> Scary, huh?
<The dream scene switches from Ellen's apartment to the Jeopardy! set.>
Jeopardy! Announcer: This is ... Jeopardy! Now, here are today's contestants: Dr. Judy Peterson, Dr. Albert Einstein, and finally ... just Ellen. And now, here's the host of Jeopardy!, Alex Trebek.
Alex Trebek: Thank you, Johnny Gilbert. Hello, contestants. Welcome to our program, and good luck to you in the game. Here are the categories for the first round of play: Solar energy. Wind power. Energy from water. Fossil fuels. Fusion. And finally ... Gas. Ellen, since this is your dream, we'll let you make the first selection.
Dream Ellen: Uh, I will take, um ... eenie meenie minie ... uh, Fossil Fuels for, uh, let's -- let's go for a hundred.
Alex Trebek: Fine. The answer is ... This is formed from microscopic plants and animals trapped in ocean floor sediment millions of years ago.
<Ellen rings in.>
Alex Trebek: Ellen?
Dream Ellen: Yes, I know that one. That's uh ... that, um, is uh ... what -- what is ... what is um, uh, stuff trapped -- microscopic fuels and -- and plants and -- and animals, and --
<buzzer sounds>
Alex Trebek: Sorry, Ellen. We were looking for something more than just an embellishment of what I had already said. <Judy rings in.> And it's .. Judy!
Judy: What is petroleum, Alex? <Judy proceeds to ring in with a string of correct responses.> What is bituminous? <ring> What is solar thermal conversion? <ring> What is hydroelectric? <ring> What is helium?
Alex Trebek: And the total as we come to the end of the first round, ladies and gentlemen, Judy has a commanding lead <$17,800>, Ellen has her work cut out for her <Ellen has a negative score.>, and Dr. Einstein is nowhere ... relatively speaking. <He has zero.>
Dream Ellen: Is this a nightmare, or what?
Alex Trebek: Oh, Ellen, your first correct response!
Dream Ellen: Wait a minute. <snaps her fingers> Freeze! <The scene freezes.> This is my dream. I'm in control now. I can still win. I still have a chance to.
Bill: Ellen! Ellen!
Dream Ellen: Who is it?
Bill: It's me, Bill Nye the Science Guy.
Dream Ellen: Hey, I'm glad you came to help me.
Bill: Actually, I came to see Einstein. Wow, you're gettin' clobbered.
Dream Ellen: Yeah. This nightmare Jeopardy! version's a lot harder than the home version. Will you help me?
Bill: Sure! But first, we have to go back.
Dream Ellen: Back ... stage??
Bill: No, no, no. Way back. Like many billion years ago.
Dream Ellen: Okay, but can we stop at a mini-mart or something and get some snacks? I have a tendency to get hungry after a couple of million years.
Bill: No can do. Time's a-wastin'. Come on!
Ellen: Wait. It's not even over. It gets really weird from here. Now some person I don't even know reminds me there's no eating, drinking, smoking, or flash photography allowed in my dream.
Cast Member: Ladies and gentlemen, there's no eating, drinking, smoking, or flash photography in Ellen's dream.
Ellen: And no videotaping. Okay? And those of you who're just walking in right now ... you're late. Where have you been? I love your hair. No, not you. I mean, it's all right, but that's cute. Yeah. Um, anyway, so you're not completely lost, here's a recap of what has been going on. I'm Ellen. Hi! I love Jeopardy!, I used to not care about energy at all, 'til I had a nightmare that I was on Jeopardy!, and all the categories were about energy. Oh, don't I know it was scary. So my neighbor, Bill Nye, stepped in, to help me out -- Bill Nye the Science Guy -- you know him? Anyway, so he comes in to help me out. That's what's going on. Got it? Good. You don't? Then that's your problem, because you're late. And you think about that next time!
Cast Member: Ladies and gentlemen, the automatic doors in front of you are going to be opening. For your safety, please stand behind the yellow squares. Also, please make sure your party is together before you enter the next theater. Thank you.