He does it because he loves you!


I understand your feelings of guilt. I am that person who will literally crawl across the floor trying to make sure my family doesn't "do" for me; after all, I am The Mama, and I am in charge, and I am the one who does for everyone else!
It's been the hardest lesson for me to learn these last few years. I can learn how to pilot a power chair better than Han Solo ever flew the Millennium Falcon (yeah, I said it! LOL) and I have learned how to do so many other self-care things that I never thought I would have to learn to do. But the hardest thing for me - worse than the pain, worse than any surgery, illness or procedure I have gone through - is allowing others (especially my family) to do anything for me.
My (adult) daughter finally got VERY frustrated with me one day not so long ago, and she pointed at me, and pointed at the kitchen chair nearest me, told me to sit down, shut it and listen. This is what she said:
"When you hurt, *I* hurt. When you push yourself past the point of being able to breathe because it hurts so bad, it scares me. When you push me away and try to do things that you have already taught me to do... it frustrates me, because I am here for you. You taught me years ago that we are like the Marines; we never leave anyone behind. We are not trying to leave you behind when we help you do something... we are carrying you with us. I know it's hard to see, but daddy and I and everyone who loves you does what we do so that we can give you back just a fraction of the care that you have given to us over the years. Let us help you, Mom. It's Ohana."
Well, after we all had a good cry (my sweet hubby included) we figured out what I can do to be genuinely helpful to our family, and where I need to step back. There are times when I am still gently reminded that it's OK to take a break, or that it's OK to let someone do something, but overall it's helped me to feel less guilty, and more useful. It's also opened my eyes to both how much I can still do - a carefully curated list, to be sure - and how little I should worry.
This is the hardest part, right here. Stepping back, after years of caring for others, and letting them do. Find the things you can still contribute - maybe you can't stand at the counter and chop veggies anymore, but can you sit at the kitchen table, and run a small food processor? Maybe you can't fold clothes, but you might be able to learn how to use dictation on your computer, table and/or phone, (to save your hands) and you can do all the grocery lists and maybe even the online shopping, so that all your loved ones have to do is pick up the groceries. You get the idea - worry less about what you can't do, and find the things you can do without hurting yourself. I'm willing to bet there will be more than you think! And if there really is nothing you can do to help right now... at least you are there with your loved ones, and I
promise you that for them, that is all that matters. You can still sit with them, and chat about things and share their company while they are doing things, and if they love you even 1/1 millionth of what I bet they do... they will be so happy you are there to share that time with them. Because in the end, that's the greatest gift of all to anyone - time together.