Totally OT: Only children

[Honeymooner04]

Sorry to post something totally non-Disney here but I know I'll get some great responses here so here's I go... My daughter's 6 months and we're starting to get the slightest pangs of when to have another baby. However I can't shake the thoughts in my head that having more than one child isn't going to work with us. My husband is gone A LOT and most of the work falls to me and I really like the flexibility we have with just one munchkin. My husband's argument (that I don't really agree with) we're doing a disservice to our daughter by not giving her siblings, she won't be as well adjusted and that sort of thing. Any only children or parents of onlies that can give me some advice and perspective? I guess a good way to describe how I feel that my heart would love another child to love but my brain has 1001 reasons why one is enough.

Thanks for any insight you have!
Patty

 

[skuttle]

I'm an only and I think I turned out okay. I was raised mostly by my mom as my parents divorced when I was in the 4th grade. My dad came by a lot, don't get me wrong, and was always there for me, but my mom and I are really close. Growing up, I didn't mind being an only. My best friend was also an only so we spent a lot of time together...we met in 3rd grade and are still best friends today. My family is also very close so I spent a lot of time with my three girl cousins since we were all close in age. I was involved in a lot of different things...dance, gymnastics, band, etc.

As I got older and got married, had a child, etc., I wish more and more that I had a sibling. I see my three girl cousins that are sisters interact with each other and their children and it makes me sad. Every now and then I'll do or say something and DH says its the only child coming out in me. Whatever that means! Other than that, I don't think being an only was that bad. That being said, I don't want my DS to be an only.

I also see my parents and DH's parents starting to have to do more and more things for their aging parents. That will all fall on my shoulders one day. That's a big responsibility for one person. That makes me nervous. Hopefully that is far far down the road, but I know one day I will have to step up to that.

 

[Barbers2005]

I have just one, my dd4. We really enjoy the flexibility too, and feel that we can give our dd so much more of our time b/c she is the only. We take her to different places where she can interact with other kids (parks, kids museum, part-time daycare) so she isn't really missing out. Her vocabulary is actually better than most kids her age b/c she spends a lot of time talking/playing with adults (parents, grandparents, aunt). We actually thought we wanted 2 kids, but after we had dd, our family felt complete. Some of our relatives don't understand why we wouldn't want more, but it works for us, and we're really happy with it. Just wanted to add, I have a brother who I love to pieces, but having a sibling isn't all that great sometimes. You have to consider things like sibling rivalry, jealousy, and fights (even adult sibling fights- that really sucks). There are really pros and cons in both situations, so you really just need to decide what's best for your family.

 

[ilovejack02]

Well i must not be well adjusted then lol. I loved being an only child and still do. I grew up in a very Catholic cajun town so if I ever felt lonely i just ran over to one of my friends houses they all had tons of siblings and when my friends neede d to get away from the craziness of their houses they came to mine lol. I will say that when my father had a heart attack a few yrs ago I did tell my mother that I wish I would have had someone to share the stress with BUT since then my family has all moved to the same town. Cousins, Aunts etc.. and we are all very close so we now all share the stress when something major happens. My cousins are like my sisters. I will say though if you are having baby pangs now they prob arent going to go away. The longer you wait the harder it is to get the motivation to do it again imo. My little man is 4 and we always talked about having another BUT now that he is growing up its hard to imagine starting over. ALSO we are going to WDW in Jan I just cant be prego for that lol!

 

[hidmickey:myantidrug]

Obviously, this is all decided on what the two of you want but here is my plead. As an only child, I am on my knees begging you to give your daughter a sibling!!! I am currently a teenager and I've never liked being an only child. I am well adjusted but I get lonely! I'm generally not a jealous person but when I see the bond that my friends have with their siblings, I get so jealous! I hate it and I think about growing up and never having nieces and nephews. Sure, I could get married and then my husband's siblings's kids will be my nieces and nephews but they're not MINE. Or going and getting married, no sister will be there with me. Just minor things that make me really really sad so I vowed that I would have no kids thousands of years before I had only one.

 

[emmasmom]

i am an only child of an only child (my mother) and married>>>you guessed it>>>an only child! needless to say we are due with our third child on christmas day pm me if you want more info because i could not fit it into this space and would bore many with my opinions! i do have a lot of insight as to what happens at each age range since my mother is currently going through too much for one person to handle with my grandparents> good luck!

 

[blanq]

My DH and I have just one child, DS, age 13. When we first married we thought that we would have more than one, but we waited 9 years before we tried for our DS, and then he was born at 6 months gestation, weighing just 2 lbs, which was a huge scare and we were overwhelmed his first 2 years of life. I learned I have an incompetent cervix (i.e., my cervix likely can't hold a baby to term), and so could repeat my experience with a 2nd baby. We gave the issue some time and then realized that we liked our little family and it just felt "right" to us. At that point, our decision was made and we don't regret it.

I think our DS is very well-adjusted, but will admit his biggest hurdle when he started school was learning how to have effective peer relationships. It came slower for him since he never had siblings at home to learn how to negotiate, share, etc. I would say he was more socially delayed than his peers until about 6th grade. He now has great, heathly friendships.

The three of us have an incredible bond, and it is nothing like the relationships that DH or I ever had with our parents (DH is one of 5 and I am the oldest of 3). We have time for him that we don't have to split between mutiple children, shuttling them to activities, etc. We also have been able to provide him with experiences, like travel and private education, that we might not have had if we had multiple children. When he was younger he pleaded for a brother or sister, and truth be told, it broke my heart at times to hear him say that, but now that he is older he says he likes the benefits of being an only and he has learned from his friends that siblings can be mean and sometimes not close.

My feeling on this issue, and I understand this is a really personal decision, is that having another child so that your child can have a sibling is not the best reason to have another child. IMHO, the decision should be rooted in your and your DH's desire to have more children to fulfill you personally rather than to fulfill your only child.

 

[js092097]

Just wanted to share my 2 cents worth... I am an only child and I only have one child. I like being an only, but I was close to cousins on both sides. My mom said I am an only because her sisters were driving her crazy when she had me and she didn't want to put me through that! I was not spoiled, but I had more opportunities than some. I always had lots of friends I would spend time with and then I would get to go home and do what I wanted!!

Now that I am older I do agree with skuttle, I see other siblings interact and I get sad. I also worry about when my parents are older, but that doesn't worry me because I have a very close family. I have a very supportive husband, that I couldn't live without!

We have decided to only have one, because of several reasons. We love the time we get to spend with Ds. My husband's sis and her family drives us all crazy!! She is on #5 and doesn't take care of her kids. Our son is very close in age to his cousins and plays well with them.

Good luck with your decision, just do the right thing for your family!

 

[Grendalynn]

I am not an only child, nor do I have an only child, I am one of 5 children and have (almost) 3 myself. I could not imagine life without my siblings... I can not imagine not having any of my sisters to share things with, play with or fight with. We are the best of freinds and have the worst of fights as kids throughout the years. But I cannot imagine my life anyother way. Let alone only having one sibling... That is why DH and I decided last year while at WDW to go for and try for Baby#3. Both DSs love each other and are great friends, and it will only be better with 3.

I think that these feelings that you wrote are perfectly normal and show that you are being rational and not hasty... adding another child to your familyis a big descision. I can remember thinking the exact same things that you are/do/did when we were contemplating baby#2 and even Baby#3....
1) Do I have patience, ambition and strength enough for another baby?
2) Can we really afford another baby?
3) Do I/we have enough love for another baby- as much as I/we love our first??

While all these things are great thoughts to have and show that you are really serious about your contemplations... Here are my thoughts:

1) It is hard being pregnant and caring for a newborn. Just wait til yoru DD reaches 1 year+ .... it only gets easier. They become more self sufficient and develop fun amazing personalities. It only gets better each year - Til Junior High that is ....

2)My heartfelt feeling is that you can never "really" afford to have children.. Unless you or DH have an amazing job and/or come from wealth, its a struggle and you live week to week like the rest of (or most of) America. I think if we all waited to have kids we would never be able to do it...

3) I was so worried that I would not have as much love for Baby#2 as I did for baby#1. I have even thought the same about baby#3 - it would be unnatural any other way not to have concerns... and Yes, I had enough love for Baby#2 and felt even more love in our home and in our lives than I did with just 1 child.

Plain and simple: The first 2 years are the hardest - then it gets easier. There are far more years of organization and scheduling than there are of toddlers and baby stages. They grow sooo fast. Justthink how fast your 6months have gone by since your DD was born... It seems like yesterday that DS7 was just born-now he is entering 2nd grade and turning into a little man waiting for in little brother to arrive...

I can even remember saying when our 1st son was reaching 18months that I would NEVER have anymore kids!! But obviously he grew out of the stages of bottles and diapers, being into everything, challeging authority, pushing the limits, and all that jazz. OK - maybe not all the way, but with time... Baby#2 grew out/or is growing out of it and here we are waiting for baby#3 to arrive in a month or so. This is it however for us - snip snip

Your daughter is only 6 months old - give it some time and really think about your descsions over the next year. Wait til she turns 1, says I lOVE YOU for no reason, does something great for the first time (over and over), throws her arms around your neck and kisses you or pecks you on the cheek for no reason at all, and belly laughs until she cant belly laugh any more...

I learned so much being from a big family - even now a family of 5 is considered big. How tou share, fight, settle differenced, that we are all different and thats ok, who has what for strengths and weaknesses, all that fun stuff that is helpful in so many ways in life....

I have nothing against single child families; so please dont flame me. I see that there are many responces from you all and felt that I wanted to chime in on my two cents... I just couldn't imagine my life w/o my siblings or my boys not having each other. But its up to you to decide what best for your ENTIRE family.... DH, DD and you. Forget everyone else...

My biggest fear was waking up one morning at 49 years old and saying to my husband, "I wish we had another baby"..........

 

[all4fun]

Here's a great article titled: Myths about Only Children I just thought you might appreciate some of the insights shared here.

I could almost have written the post Blanq wrote, except my ds (former 28-wkr) is now 3 instead of 13. I got very, very sick with my pregnancy and the prospect of going through that again is scary. Health issues aside, for a while I still thought I wanted to try again but now that ds is 3 I just don't think so. With one, we can afford to put away money for our future (so that ds one day won't be overburdened with taking care of us) and also set aside funds for his future college education. We are able to consider private education if we choose to in the near future. We can take a lot of trips with him and has he gets older we will branch out much more to do things other than just Disney (which is a great love of dh and I, we don't go just for ds). These things would all change if we had another. DH has also always been happy with just one.

And we both have siblings. DH is the youngest of four and has always secretly wished he were an only child and I have two brothers who are close to eachother but I have never been a part of their little "clique". We all love eachother but I wouldn't say that I am really close to them. I agree that having siblings isn't always a guarantee that you will have a "friend for life" and that you should do what feels right for you and your dh, not because you think you need to provide your dc with a sibling. jmho.

 

[BlueBayou]

It is such a difficult decision. I am an only child and God willing I was not going to have an only child. I have two daughters. A kindergartener and a 3-year-old.

My father was an only child and he wanted more than one child (total shock to me when I was in college and he told me that). It was my mom's decision to have just one. She was from a divorced home when most people were not divorced. When the topic of having a second came up... my dad said "It is up to you, you are one who is going to have to raise it." My dad coming from a very stable, religious family meant "I work full time, you are the SAHM, it will be adding to your work load, not mine." My mother, coming from the divorced background took it to mean that she might be stuck with multiple kids when her husband runs off just like her dad did.

I will say that when my dad died at 54 I sure wished I had a sibling to help deal with my mother's grief. Also, my grandmother died recently and since my father died years ago... I had a lot of responsiblitly I did not want. I don't know what I would have done if she did not come from such a tight knit family. Her 80+ year old sister dealt with my ganny's declining medical condition for years, when I live half way across the country.

But as the mom to two... it is a lot of work. I sometimes toy at the idea of adding a 3rd... but at nearly 39 I feel I am getting a little too old for the baby game. The two I have tires me out.

Good luck at your decision.

Sher

 

[noahynav]

Well I am both an only child and I have siblings.....Let me explain.

I am my mothers ONLY child. She and my father had me very young and never married. My father went on to have 4 more kids, but I only saw them 4 days out of the month and they were born when I was 9, then 11, 14, and the last one when I was 18. So they are more like friends to me, and even stranger, my youngest brother is now 8 and he is a year younger than my 9 year old son. It is a strange situation really.

Anyway, back to your question. I lived in my mothers home and so I was raised as mostly an only child. I matured very fast, people always mistook me for older than I really was. I was very well spoken, well behaved, large vocabulary, new how to behave around adults, etc. But honestly, I hated it. I still do. I look around me right now and I have no siblings my age to share anything with. No cousins for my kids. No large family gatherings on my side of the family. No sister to call and chat with, no brother to come over and hang out with. Now I realize that not all siblings get along anyway....but still, I DO feel like I have missed out on something. Sometimes I actually feel very bitter about it.
As a result I feel like I am overcompensating with my own family. I am baby CRAZY!!! I only have two children right now, but we will be trying for our third very soon and after that I still would love to have 1 or 2 more. It's almost like I am trying to make up for the fact that I was so lonely as a child and now I want this huge family of my own.
I think this a very personal decision. And this is only my honest opinion. You and your husband have to do what is right for you.....because at the end of the day you have to be happy with your decision. Good luck no matter what you decide.

I also wanted to add that while you may regret NOT having another baby down the road, I have never heard of someone regretting their child once it is here. If you decide to have another, you will love him/her to peices and wonder how you ever felt complete without him.

 

[flortlebap]

Our DD is 1, here's my 0.02!

I never planned on having kids EVER. To say I love Disney so much - I just didn't like children. Children with manners I liked, who are eloquant and articulate, but let's face it how often does that happen? I hated bad mannered, loud, obnoxious, over cranky kids with no manners. And I never saw the appeal of having kids

I would have happily carried on like that forever until I had my daughter, then things changed. A lot. Now I like kids, I understand that they are CHILDREN, not mini adults, you can't expect them to behave all the time and I would quite like to have one or two more. But I think the decision's been taken out of my hands somewhat - I'm starting a 6 year law degree course this year, and I think that having another baby when my DD is 7 would be too late. There just wouldn't be the bond there.

So we're happy just having one. She won't have to share her toys, it'll save us money, I don't have to go through pregnancy/labour again, there'll be more room in our house, it's one less person to clean up after, one less person to have to provide food etc for... and we're not missing out because we've had the experience.

I know some people love big families but it just isn't for us! I've heard it's a big jump from one to two children... which means a hell of a lot more work!

 

[Fabooliss]

Even though DH and I always said we wanted 2 kids, I wasn't sure I wanted 2 children when my DD was 6 months either, in fact I was pretty sure I didn't!! However, when diapers began to reduce and we got more sleep and then when she was able to play by herself sometimes, I began to think that maybe 2 wouldn't be so bad and by the time DS was born, I was ready again!
DD and DS are 3 years apart, which I think is working pretty well. They are close enough to play together but far apart enough that DD got lots of attention when she needed it, and could wait when he couldn't. Now I can't imagine life without them both, especially when I see them playing together, or sharing a spontaneous hug.
That being said, I also think having a baby for the sake of its sibling is NOT a good reason to have a baby. You need to have a baby for the sake of the baby!!!

As for being more work with two, it is and it isn't. More laundry, certainly. More food to cook, don't really notice it. But they can PLAY TOGETHER when I am cooking which means LESS TV requests!!! Also, I have heard that a lot of people find it a big change when the second comes along. I think that depends on how much you changed for the first. If someone still does all the prekid things, with a "he'll adjust" attitude or left it with babysitters or whatever, then adding a second would be a big change. If you already adjusted your lifestyle home for naps, regular bedtime etc. (having a dog is a good start, I found!) you won't find much of a difference.

 

[gris gris]

My husband's argument (that I don't really agree with) we're doing a disservice to our daughter by not giving her siblings, she won't be as well adjusted and that sort of thing.

I know this isn't going to be a popular answer but we just had a 2nd child and one of our biggest reasons for doing so was so DD would have a sibling even though she really didn't ask for one. If my DD had the opportunity to have close cousins (she does not), we probably would not have had another. We really enjoyed our life as the 3 of us.

DH, DD and myself are totally in love with our new son and have adjusted to life as a family of 4 well. I have a sister and I could never imagine life without her. We wanted DD to have that same opportunity.

Good luck with your decision. My dad is an only and he loved it, except for when his mom was sick and passed away, he said then he wished he had someone to help make decisions.

 

[ALittleDisneyFan]

We are adopting our first baby now. I do go back and fourth between having just one.. and having two. Time will tell for us.. and how Kiara is when she is home, etc.

I will say this.. I have an older sister and a younger brother. I am very close to both of them and love them dearly. My sister lives right around the corner from me. When we were kids, I am SURE my mom got sick of us fighting..

 

[jodifla]

I am an only child and I have an only child.

There are downsides, but lots of upsides, too. The family dynamic is quite different with just three. Much more intense, I'd say.

And I always laugh when parents say they have to have a sibling for the sake of their other child. MAYBE they'll be close, maybe not. MAYBE they'll help when parents get older, maybe not. LOTS of siblings barely speak to one another.

I'm closer to my friends than a lot of them are to their own siblings!

 

[Minnie824]

I am an only child. It has its good and bad points, as does having siblings. I personally, would have liked to have a brother or sister. My best friend used to come on vacations with us, which was great, but still not quite the same as a sibling. Now I have 2 DDs, because I knew I would not have just one child, and they have no cousins to play with at all. DH's brother is older, and never had kids, so its just my girls. Its nice having a small, close family, but I wish they would have been able to have other family their age to play with as well.

 

[princesspiglet]

We have an only, she is 4, and we do not plan on having another. We love just having the three of us, we are the 3 Muskateers! as Athena calls us. I grew up with a brother 3 years younger, and we were never close. We aren't close now either. I maybe see him 3 times a year. My DH is the youngest of 4 and he only sees his siblings at Christmas and Easter. So just becauase you have siblings, does not mean you will be close. My mother is the youngest of 9. She gets along with 1 other sibling and that is is. When my grandma and grandpa died, her and 1 sibling took care of everything, the others did nothing.

We are a military family, so there are lots of only's around us. My daughter has lots of friends whenever she wants them, and can also decide when she has had enough and wants some alone time. We shower her with love and attention and travel alot. She is very well-rounded and very articulate and intelligent for a 4 year old!

 

[gris gris]

And I always laugh when parents say they have to have a sibling for the sake of their other child. MAYBE they'll be close, maybe not. MAYBE they'll help when parents get older, maybe not. LOTS of siblings barely speak to one another.

You can laugh at me all you want - worrying about whether or not our children will be close wasn't an issue in deciding whether or not to have another one! I'm not going to worry about MAYBE's! I know this isn't really a predictor of how people will get along, but my entire extended family is close with each other, including all siblings. If my two were not close or did not speak to each other, it would be a first in our family and there would be a lot of explaining to do