Totally fell down the Rabbit Hole like Alice, I need some advice ASAP - See post 103

[Wishing on a star]

Read both of Cabanafrau's recent posts again!!!!!
Excellent posts!!!!

I haven't gotten so far as to post these thoughts (that she expressed much better than I), but they have definitely been on my mind....

If this young girl is a new mom, estranged from her own family, living hours away from a support system, husband working long hours, evenings, etc... etc... I think it would be almost a given that she is very overwhelmed, to the point of jeopardizing her physical and emotional well being.

I would not jump to all the negative judgements, name-calling, etc.. And, of course, you know better than that as well!

The thing to do here is to try to resist the tempatation to look at this from the viewpoint of an injured angry victim.... Step back, take the time that you need to process thru the personal gut-reaction, and to look at this very objectively....

It is not about 'I've been attacked', 'she is crazy', etc....

It is about handling this in a way that will gain the most positive outcome for all involved.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Wishing on a star

MTE!

TC

 

[Kies99]

Wow...I mean...just...wow!

Your DIL is completely and totally selfish or jealous!

Okay, I read the first post and then skipped to the update in post 103 and went from there.

I don't see anything wrong in what you are doing. In fact I congratulate you for it!

Of course your DD is going to be the "golden child". She's the baby and she's still at home!

I also believe your son needs to work this out.

As for the tailgating...I didn't check, but are you in Western PA??? We tailgate so much here we'd do it if there was an accident blocking traffic!

 

[shortbun]

Ok-this DIL didn't talk to her husband before she called you and did this? It's your son who needs to talk to her and make peace, not you. You either need to never hear another word about it or get an apology. Do not call her today. Let him talk to her about it for a while. She was out of line and it's his problem to solve with her, not yours-you did nothing. Go out and have some fun. You have a great life; something in her upbringing will not allow her to appreciate that. It's about her. Keep loving her and forget it. She's a mess and needs your unconditional love. Tell your DD to drop it and come have some fun with you. She should try to forgive her SIL as fast as possible. It's family and sometimes family needs a pass because they're having a bad day.

 

[Nancyg56]

You should have mentioned that you are also a grown women with a dancing pickle in your signature on a public forum, that would have reallly pushed her over the edge.

Penny, I am beginning to feel a little afraid for your DIL. That is just crazy talk ... much crazier than the stuff she said to you originally.

This is what I am thinking, there is something wrong here. I am trying to think how I would react if my DDIL did this to me. I love her dearly, I love my son and I would be devastated if I got the calls and the text you got.

My first instinct would be to talk to my son and you already have. He has asked you to try to make peace with DIL> Hmmmm. Why would he do this if he is angry with her behavior? Because there really is something wrong and he is trying to diffuse it or to avoid it. Either way he is not being honest with you or with himself about his homelife.

Penny, I think I would just act as if none of this happened unless it got brought up. If your son brings it up to you again I would ask if everything is okay at home. Your DS has ruled out PPD but what would make a previously loving woman lash out like that? I know that my son would hate that question but he would never ask me to smooth an issue out that he believed I was not responsible for unless something was wrong.

I feel so badly for you, I cannot imagine this from my DDIL, I would be as sad as you are.

 

[DeluxePrincess]

Where I live, lots of folks without kids in the High School attend the sporting events. It's just a way to support your community. As far as WDW, what's it to them? Maybe they are jealous and want to go with you? I know you don't want to jeopardize your relationship with your grandkids, so it is probably best to try and keep the peace. Sounds like DILs have too much time on their hands.

 

[lucyanna girl]

I most certainly do not mean to sound like I am attacking DIL. She is a good mother, she is a school teacher and is indeed very busy. She does get along with her parents now, she got over cutting them off several years ago.

In fact I wonder, She has said how nice it is to go stay with her mother. Her mother is one of eight (yes, eight) sisters who all live in the same community and are always in and out of each other's homes. When DIL goes to her house she told me she doesn't touch a kid again as long as she is there. There is someone to cook, someone to hold the baby, someone to play with the three year old, someone to visit with DIL, etc.

I did go and stay after the baby was born and help out.

I also work. My husband and I own and operate a small trucking company out of an office located at our home. There is a lot of work in running a small business. When DIL comes it is usually on the weekend. We pay drivers and have trucks serviced on the weekend. It cannot be helped, that is how we pay our bills. I try to put everything aside when they come. My poor husband handles the office so I can visit, but when it comes meal time I am the cook and cannot handle both babies and cook safely so she has to help.

Unfortunately, I only have one sister and not seven, how wonderful that must be for them. Mine is battling breast cancer and has been taking Chemo for the last six months.

Maybe if she has a "reason" not to visit here she could stay at her mother's house and not have to split her time?

Have I mentioned that my other DIL got mad at my ex and his wife and refused to visit them for over a year. Maybe now that I am on their list they will cut ex some slack.

Am I starting to see a pattern now that I am writing this out? I was told DIL one didn't like ex because he and his wife didn't make enough effort to see them. Now that they have brought him to his senses am I next?

Maybe I am getting ugly now. Just trying to reason out why this happened and think of a way to be part of those sweet babies lives.

Penny

 

[RadioNate]

I've read everything and think I can offer a little perspective on the DIL side.

But first, I wan't to be VERY clear to the OP that I don't think she is doing anything wrong. I think you have been more than generous with your time and money and that this was an extremely ballsy (and nasty) thing for your DIL to do. I also agree with the people who think that there could be more to this. It seems to me she dragged your other DIL into this when she may not really have any concerns.

Now about the DIL, I think people hit the nail on the head that she is jealous. I think she believes you are 'slighting' her DH and kids. I also think this has been bothering her for a very long time.

Here is my story. I married my DH when my sister-in-law was 12 and had my DS when she was 14. My inlaws live in Oregon and we have moved a lot. We have been lucky to see my inlaws once a year. While sister-in-law was in HS they were VERY close and heavily involved in her life. They appeared to not care about our life. They didn't come visit, didn't call, and didn't make time for us. It hurt. It hurt my DH but for some reason I was FAR more upset about it. I'm not proud to admit this but I really had a problem with it. I did see my sil as the 'golden child' and resented her and they way my inlaws treated her.

It hurt that my inlaws had money (and time) to take sister in law to Europe and Asia when they couldn't fly to see us because they couldn't afford it or didn't have vacation days. It bothered me. A lot. I really, really believed that they didn't care about my DH, my DS or me. I'd get angry when MIL professed to be all about family and then was too busy to make time to call because other things were more important.

Of course the BIG difference is that I would have NEVER called and told my MIL any of that!

As my sister-in-law got older they have gotten more involved in our lives. It is still not a lot, but it is more.

It does still bother me that they are paying SIL's education through gradschool while we are still paying off my DHs loans. It bothers DH a little but it bothers me more.

Over the last few years I've come to mostly let it go. I don't carry the resentment I did when sister-in-law was younger. But I do still believe that they treated SIL better than they treated my DH.

Like I said, I'm not proud of feeling this way and I really have let most of it go. I can't even tell you why I felt that way. I think I just felt like my DH and my DS (therefor me) were 'less' in their eyes than sil was. I fully admit it wasn't terrible mature or rational but it happened.

Maybe that is where your DD's mind is. Maybe she feels like you don't care about your son and grandkids as much as you care about Sarah. I believe she thinks you love Sarah more and is hurt on behalf of your DH. Does that make sense?

DH and I have been married 10 years. My SIL is a great 22 year old who really makes an effort with my kids even though she goes to grad school in England. Now, as a parent of two I'm starting to understand a little more about my inlaws actions. My 2 year old simply requires more from me than my 8 year old does. I hope he doesn't feel slighted but some times I'm sure he does.

I'm sorry this is so long! Maybe something like this is happening with your Dil?

Trust me, being older and wiser I get that a big part of me was a selfish brat. At the time, it didn't feel selfish. I felt SHE was selfish because she didn't pay enough attention to us. I certainly didn't say anything to my MIL but did gripe more than I should have about her to my DH.

I feel really bad for you. You don't deserve this. I'm not sure if you should talk to your Dil or not. If you do, just let he know how much you love your DS, your grandkids and her. I think if I had this talk with my MIL that would have been more helpful than her telling me 'tough cookies.' I don't think you need to change your behavior significantly but if you do want to try something maybe work on including them more. Offer invites even when you know they likely can't make it, etc. Try to keep them in the loop as much as possible. KWIM?

 

[dispor]

Besides everything that others have suggested (especially the possibility of PPD and a general sense of being over-whelmed with 2 young childen and a dh that's very busy) the ONLY thing that I wonder about is if it's possibly that DIL2 thinks you are "over-involved" with your kids/grandkids (other families, not hers).

I think you mentioned that you were at a party for this DIL's sister's baby? Is that right? I may have that wrong, and can't find the darn post! Just playing devil's advocate - could she have been annoyed that you were invited to a party on "her" family's side? (Even if that's true, it doesn't excuse what she said to you!!!)

Also, I am curious how she "ran into" some of Sarah's friends if she lives three hours away. That has me puzzled, too.

 

[lucyanna girl]

I am also curious as to how see ran into two of Sarah's friends. I don't know the answer.

I wasn't actually at the party. The reason DIL made the trip north was because of her niece's birthday party. We live a half an hour further away, a couple of towns more up the road. Since DIL planned to return home that day I offered to meet her and buy her lunch to see the babies and her. She told me to meet her at the park after the party. party was 10:30 till 12:30.

I arrived at the park at 12:30. Most of the party goers were still there and lingered around an hour more, past the time for the party to have ended. No problem for me, I am cordial with them.

Penny

 

[RadioNate]

I also meant to ask if your DIL is an only child?

I think that was part of my problem. I didn't understand the dynamics of siblings and parent/sibling relationships because I never experienced that. I didn't see that. My mom was a single parent of one. I also never saw inlaw relationships when I was growing up. My parents were divorced and my both my dad's parents passed before I was out of Jr High. My dad had no relationship with my mom's parents.

I fully admit to having some skewed visions of how things were supposed to be. I glorified it a lot. Had visions of movie perfect relationships, etc. I didn't mean too, I just didn't know any better.

10 years later, I like to think I have a better understanding of what those relationships are truly like.

 

[RitaE]

Anybody else getting the feeling that these two women were the type of little girls that were always threatening to hold their breaths until they died if you didn't give them what they wanted?

"I never have to touch my baby when I'm over there." Are you kidding me? She likes the other Grandma more now because in that house she doesn't have to do so much Mommy work?

The more and more you react to this drama, the more powerful they are going to feel and the worse it is going to get. Tell Sarah to leave it alone too. She should be having fun with her life, not playing infantile little girl pissy fit games with grown women.

Blech. Let them threaten. Disengage. They are not going to cut you off from the grandkids, they want too much from you. This is a battle that cannot be won so do not fight it!

 

[Motherofboys]

I most certainly do not mean to sound like I am attacking DIL. She is a good mother, she is a school teacher and is indeed very busy. She does get along with her parents now, she got over cutting them off several years ago.

In fact I wonder, She has said how nice it is to go stay with her mother. Her mother is one of eight (yes, eight) sisters who all live in the same community and are always in and out of each other's homes. When DIL goes to her house she told me she doesn't touch a kid again as long as she is there. There is someone to cook, someone to hold the baby, someone to play with the three year old, someone to visit with DIL, etc.

I did go and stay after the baby was born and help out.

I also work. My husband and I own and operate a small trucking company out of an office located at our home. There is a lot of work in running a small business. When DIL comes it is usually on the weekend. We pay drivers and have trucks serviced on the weekend. It cannot be helped, that is how we pay our bills. I try to put everything aside when they come. My poor husband handles the office so I can visit, but when it comes meal time I am the cook and cannot handle both babies and cook safely so she has to help.

Unfortunately, I only have one sister and not seven, how wonderful that must be for them. Mine is battling breast cancer and has been taking Chemo for the last six months.

Maybe if she has a "reason" not to visit here she could stay at her mother's house and not have to split her time?

Have I mentioned that my other DIL got mad at my ex and his wife and refused to visit them for over a year. Maybe now that I am on their list they will cut ex some slack.

Am I starting to see a pattern now that I am writing this out? I was told DIL one didn't like ex because he and his wife didn't make enough effort to see them. Now that they have brought him to his senses am I next?

Maybe I am getting ugly now. Just trying to reason out why this happened and think of a way to be part of those sweet babies lives.

Penny

She has some "concerns about you", huh?? I wish I could give her a little list of the "concerns" I have about my mother in law! Including nothing short of offering my DH $10,000 to divorce me

I hate to say this but there are some people that you just CANNOT please, she seems to be one of them. You don't live your life like she would like you to, you're not the kind of grandma or MIL that she invisioned........um, you sound like a good one to me and it's YOUR life!

We have quite a bit of this in our own family. A few siblings that feel like my mother NEVER can do enough. She is 56 and works full time and raised 7 children, but they expect that she should volunteer to babysit their kids all of the time. And they are hurt that she doesn't just offer to spend the week with their kids when they go on vacation, etc.

Hello!! My mom works full time, she raised her kids! Those thoughts don't occur to them.

They also watch every thing my parents buy other grandkids/kids, each time they take people out, babysit, etc - it's all one big attention contest to them and they are constantly the "losers", the "unfavored"....right

I hate to ask, but are you sure none of this is coming from your son? Are you sure he doesn't have some jealousy issues with your daughter, issues that he won't admit to you?

I hope things work out, try not to engage in her drama and hope for the best. Your grandkids know you are a good person and a wonderful grandma, regardless of her antics

 

[cabanafrau]

I hope to hear an update from you (hopefully soon, but these things take time) that you've either gotten to the bottom of this & cleared the air or found a way to move forward & let sleeping dogs lie. This has to be so upsetting for you. I wish you the very best of luck.

 

[RitaE]

She has some "concerns about you", huh?? I wish I could give her a little list of the "concerns" I have about my mother in law! Including nothing short of offering my DH $10,000 to divorce me

Did he think about it?

Wait I know, you two should have gotten one of those quickie divorces, collected the money, and remarried the next day!

 

[minniecarousel]

"If I were in your position and I chose to call, I'd probably just say, " Thanks for pointing out these things. I appreciate it." That will shut her up and then just continue to live your life the way you have been.

If she's determined to be right, then you've given her a "victory". You cannot be logical with an illogical person. She sounds like my mom who has never lost an argument. I've learned to let her win because it makes my life easier. Pride takes a backseat to peace."

I'm quoting rie'smom here. I have to agree with this. You're not agreeing with her - you're keeping peace. (Of course, I'm the ultimate peace-keeper.) It would be good if you could follow up with something on another subject. You don't want to give her time to further badger you.

Hang in there, Penny. You don't deserve this.

 

[sunnyday123]

I hope to hear an update from you (hopefully soon, but these things take time) that you've either gotten to the bottom of this & cleared the air or found a way to move forward & let sleeping dogs lie. This has to be so upsetting for you. I wish you the very best of luck.

I agree! I really hope you don't let this take up too much of your time-sounds like she's mad that you aren't putting more of an effort into raising her kids! And I think Dad needs to have a man to man talk with his son for asking you to apologize to his wife. Dad's wife should not be treated like this.

And your pickle is fine, it was my blue banana I was referring to!!

 

[Motherofboys]

Did he think about it?

Wait I know, you two should have gotten one of those quickie divorces, collected the money, and remarried the next day!

Can't say the thought didn't cross our minds

She's smarter than that though, it was going to be made in payments to him and he had to agree to move home too (5 hours away from me and the kids).

Seriously, I could write a book if it wasn't so dang ridiculous and embarrassing!

 

[okeydokey]

Your DIL is her own worst enemy. She obviously is obsessing over this and stewing in her own juices. The best thing you can do is continue to enjoy your life and stay in peace with yourself and your decisions. A short "I'm sorry you feel this way, but that's my life" will suffice. She is stressing and you are enjoying. Sounds about perfect to me.

 

[rie'smom]

In fact I wonder, She has said how nice it is to go stay with her mother. Her mother is one of eight (yes, eight) sisters who all live in the same community and are always in and out of each other's homes. When DIL goes to her house she told me she doesn't touch a kid again as long as she is there. There is someone to cook, someone to hold the baby, someone to play with the three year old, someone to visit with DIL, etc.

IMO, this statement says it all. She loves not having the responsibility of her kids while at her parent's house and she expects the same from you. I have seen this over and over again with in laws and friends. One example is my brother's wife married him knowing that he had 2 little ones. She has said numerous times that she likes going to my mom's house because she doesn't have to lift a finger. Her comments make her look like a selfish witch but that's my opinion.

Your son and his wife decided to have the kids, you didn't hold a gun to their heads. The kids are their responsibility not yours. I surely hope my boys and my daughter don't expect that I will be their built in babysitter because that ain't happening. I feel like my Dmom and DMIL do - I raised my kids. I might babysit from time to time and I'm looking forward to taking my someday grandkids to WDW bunches but both will be done in my time.