Totally fell down the Rabbit Hole like Alice, I need some advice ASAP - See post 103

[Kirby]

Since when has this become your fault? The DIL should be calling you, not the other way around.

I agree with the other posters that say do not call her. Having married into a somewhat volatile family at times, sometimes it is best to just say nothing. At this point, you can probably say nothing right. Your son married her and he needs to deal with this issue, especially since she has threatened to keep you from your grandchildren.

 

[lovetoscrap]

I am just . I read your OP before I went to bed last night and was just . Now that I am caught up this morning I am absolutely flabbergasted!

No matter how hard you try and what you do, you sometimes just come across people in this world that may have a personality conflict with you. This sounds like one of those times-- apparently your personality conflicts with that of an immature, selfish, spoiled brat.

He asked me to please call DIL this evening and try to make peace for his sake.


Penny

Your son is spineless. What an awful thing to do to a mother. Doesn't he realize she treated you like trash? Awful

I honestly can't believe that he wants YOU to call and "make peace". You have NO PART in this! He should be insisting that she call and apologize to you. What does he want you to do? Apologize for having a life? For not being her doormat? For being a great Mom and Wife and having fun? That is ridiculous.

There is no law that says that you and DIL have to be best friends or even friends. Of course we won't get into the concept of having respect for your elders. . .

Sorry, but I think the ball is in HER court and it is up to her to make the next move--and it had better be towards an apology and maybe a full physical and psych exam to be sure she is stable!

Hugs to you As others have said, I would take you in a flash as a MIL! I already have an amazing MIL, but DH needs a decent one so if you put yourself up for adoption, let me know! We come with a mouthy teen and flighty 9 year old, but they are both absolutely respectful and adoring of their grandparents!

 

[AlleyKat]

do not call your dil!!!!!!!

Do not 'engage'.
You will be entering 'her world' and putting yourself on her level.
You cannot have a rational positive effective conversation with somebody who is not rational or positive.

I am not writing off her 'cut you off' comments.
This shows signs of somebody who who is emotionally/psychologically troubled.
I actually do feel sorry for your dil (and therefore, your son as well)

you have done nothing to her...
She called you, and you have nothing to apologize for.
Why should you apologize for her actions???
Do not get drawn in....

simply screen your calls... And do not engage with her.

as another poster just said...
Your son is apparantly spineless when it comes to his wife.

If there is trouble in paradise (your son's marriage, new baby, etc...) then this is up to your son to deal with.
Tell your son that it is up to him to find peace in his marriage.
Tell him that you are very sorry, and you love and support him, but that you feel it is best to stay back and not interfere.
something tells me that if this young woman is so angry, demanding, threatening to 'cut people off' etc... That your son is also experiencing being on the receiving end of this.

Support your son, but do not personally engage with your dil. This advice stands for both of your sons.....

note: Very important here... I don't care what your daughter may have overheard.... She should be under orders to refrain from having one word to enter this fray... Now you are in the situation where this is affecting your younger daughter... You should refrain from 'engaging' with this dil (both of them) and your daughter should be under orders to do the same.

this situation should not involve your younger daughter, at all. If she becomes involved, it complicates matters, and gives your dil's an inroad to try to come between you and her.... If she texts them, they they are then free to text her back, telling her what a despicable person/mil/grandmother/and, yes, mother that you are. You do not want to go there.... Not appropriate... I would have a talk with your daughter, and advise her to step back, and to have no personal communication with dil.

And, op.... Just to be truthful here.... You are the one who voluntarily opened up and posted details of your family situation, your daughter, etc... And, yes, from the other side of the screen here, from the outside, it does sound like your daughter could be perceived as 'the golden child'. Just something for you to think about. Every single 'concern' that your dil covered were things that involved time and money that are spent on/with your daughter (while you do not do enough for them). That is just self-explanatory.

BINGO, we have a winner!!!

 

[JessicaR]

I think it is terribly unfair of your son to ask you to call and make peace with DIL. I guess thats what HE does. Unfortunately I don't see how that ultimately brings peace. To me it makes her believe her irrational complaints are rational and they aren't. I think it will also lead to more complaints in the future since she will feel validated.

What a terrible situation to be in. I really feel for you.

 

[cabanafrau]

My advice -- definitely do not call DIL or her mother, definitely, definitely not.

Bottom line is you have to decide what you want. Do you want to "win" this argument with her or do you want a happy, harmonious family life.

Ultimately your DIL's "concerns" might not really be about you at all. As far as those who seem to feel there's fuel for the fire in your relationship/treatment of your DD, it's never going to be the same or equal to her other siblings. In this case, she has a different father, is the "only" child at home for much of her growing up years, you may live in a different place & be in a completely different economic situation. I have a much-younger sibling who has the same parents I do. Depending on how you view things, the argument could be made that either my sibling or I is/was "the golden child". We're two different people, raised by the same parents, in the same home, more than a decade apart. Life doesn't remain a constant. Neither one in the grand scheme of things had it better or worse. Things were similar yet different. Big deal.

 

[lucyanna girl]

I'm not surprised it sounds like Sarah is a "golden child" to you. In fact, she is. So are my sons, my step son, my step-daughters, my DILs, My SIL,s (except maybe one) and my grandchildren. Each and every one.

If you look back over my posts over the years you will find I am very proud of my family and love them all.

Sarah was one of the "concerns" DIL has and that may be the reason you got that impression. She is also still at home so I am much more involved with her on a day to day basis.

Concerned DIL lives three hours from here.

This son is a sweet, sweet man. He has never been big on controversy and I agree, DIL is the stronger personality. I've always known that. I don't think he is a push-over, just a peace-maker by nature.

DIL was estranged from her parents while she was in college. I know because we helped put her through school.

Both DILs had rocky relationships with their mothers while they were in high school. This comes from their own mouths and that of their mothers. Now they get along well them.



Penny

 

[Disneyadore]

I would call my DIL and tell her you are so righ. Dad and I realized that Disney is not suitable for people our age. Instead we booked a week at a Swinger Resorts to meet new people . See how she will respond to that.

 

[HM]

So what have you decided to do? You've received a lot of input, with very different ways to handle your situation.

 

[robinb]

I'm beginning to think I never knew this young woman at all (DIL two who lives three hours away).

I had no contact with her last night from the time she called until just as I was going to bed. I then got a text message from her.

It read, " I chose my words carefully and even wrote them down and prayed about them. I didn't say anything that wasn't the truth and my feelings. U asked what was wrong with w me and I spoke. Don't send me a nasty message w Sarah again. I cut my own mom off for 2 yrs. I have no prob doin it again w u." (She was so cool when we went down after the birthday party for her sister's baby that I had asked her if something was wrong.)

Penny, I am beginning to feel a little afraid for your DIL. That is just crazy talk ... much crazier than the stuff she said to you originally. She wrote things down and "prayed" about the things she said to you? That means that it wasn't just off the cuff and she has been obsessed with them. In addition, she is totally overreacting with the threat to cut you off. Someone said she might have postpartum depression. If that is the case it would explain her being a different person than you knew before and this irritability and striking out at you. You said in post #42 that your DS#2 called you and he is really upset ... maybe he is worried about the health of his own wife. Part of me doesn't want to bring up the safety of the baby because PPD moms hurting their children happens so infrequently and I don't want to be an alarmist. OTOH, your DIL has been exhibiting some really strange behavior that you say is out of character for her. PLUS, the whole "praying" over something crazy and and still doing it ... well those are really big red flags for me. I guess I would feel better if you were able to call your DS#2 and feel him out on other PPD symptoms that she may have. She may need medical help.

 

[december]

I don't usually log in from work, but this post drew me in. Maybe the part about being an "older" mom at 52-that made me do some quick math! I'll be 54 when my new baby girl is 18!!!!

I guess this will be me in 18 yrs. I love Disney, and no one else in my family likes to do anything. I never went anywhere as a child, and I've made up my mind to take my kids places. Dh won't go, so I just go without him! I'm planning our 3rd trip to WDW, and I've already told the kids (12 and 9) not to mention it to anyone, just so I don't have to hear any crap!

I can't believe you dil talked to you this way. And you helped put her through school! I love my own mother dearly, but she never keeps my kids. She works, as does my mil. My mil gets the older 2 occasionally, when she asks, but I can count on my fingers the number of times I've called and asked her to babysit. Why is that your job?

And dh and I love high school baseball and football. Dh helps the high school football team, even though our son is only in the 6th grade. I guess that really makes us weird! And my father took me to all my dh's baseball and football games in high school, and we always just hung around at home (we've been together since 9th grade).

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

 

[rie'smom]

I'm not surprised it sounds like Sarah is a "golden child" to you. In fact, she is. So are my sons, my step son, my step-daughters, my DILs, My SIL,s (except maybe one) and my grandchildren. Each and every one.

If you look back over my posts over the years you will find I am very proud of my family and love them all.

Sarah was one of the "concerns" DIL has and that may be the reason you got that impression. She is also still at home so I am much more involved with her on a day to day basis.

Concerned DIL lives three hours from here.

This son is a sweet, sweet man. He has never been big on controversy and I agree, DIL is the stronger personality. I've always known that. I don't think he is a push-over, just a peace-maker by nature.

DIL was estranged from her parents while she was in college. I know because we helped put her through school.

Both DILs had rocky relationships with their mothers while they were in high school. This comes from their own mouths and that of their mothers. Now they get along well them.



Penny

My 10th grader would also be considered "golden". Her 2 brothers are 34 (on Saturday) and 25. I am involved in her daily life. There is not 1 thing wrong with that. Her friends come over to our house every weekend. They call me Mama Julie. This is great with me because I know where my daughter is and because I can keep a "pulse" on what is going on with her friends. They are all great girls!
It's great to have a good relationship with your teen aged daughter!

 

[momof1princess]

i've kept my fingers quiet and read all the posts, but i just have to say, under no circumstances should you feel you have to apologize to your DIL. you've done nothing wrong, except be loving and supportive (you helped put her through school, for cryin' out loud!). your son needs to grow a pair and let his wife know in no uncertain terms that she will NOT disrespect his mother, the woman who brought him into this world and raised him to be the man he is today, and that SHE WILL call and apologize to you for her ridiculous behavior. this is one of the most ludicrous things i've ever read. your daughter-in-laws are WAYYYY out of line and their husbands need to let them know it. my mother-in-law is a gem, just as you are, and i would never speak to her that way.

 

[Shmily1]

OP, sorry you are going through this still. If I called her, I would say, "now it's my turn to talk and your turn to listen. What I do is my business, not yours. What makes me happy is my business and not yours. I will not change how I live my life to suit you or ask you to change your ways to suit me. I do not need your permission or approval. Just because you have issues in your life, you are not entitled to push them off on me as if they were my issues. Thanks for sharing and have a great day!!" Then after I was done, I would hang up the phone before she had the chance to reply. That should eat her cookies for lunch!!!

 

[agnes!]

If I were in your position and I chose to call, I'd probably just say, " Thanks for pointing out these things. I appreciate it." That will shut her up and then just continue to live your life the way you have been.

If she's determined to be right, then you've given her a "victory". You cannot be logical with an illogical person. ...

Bingo. I think both DILs sound like they've booked a seat on the Illogical Express.

Just read your post # 46. I figure the 2 had a hen session.

Indeed. A cackling hen sesion.

... I'd say the ball is in YOUR court now. Hold on to it for as long as you can, while you assess the next "play".

I think this sounds like a good idea. You need some time to think.

You are a saint! ...

Yes she is. lucyanna girl =

Since when has this become your fault? The DIL should be calling you, not the other way around.

I agree with the other posters that say do not call her. Having married into a somewhat volatile family at times, sometimes it is best to just say nothing. At this point, you can probably say nothing right. ...

Yeah, a bland 'apology' could defuse the situation. I don't know what I would do if this happened to me... I just don't know...


agnes!

 

[SC Minnie]

Um, I see nothing what so ever wrong with anything you guys do from WDW trips to the tailgating. This DIL sounds jealous and a little crazy. The things she has 'concerns' with have nothing do to with her.

I am a little surprised she didn't bring up the fact you don't drive a car appropriate for your age as well.

 

[lucyanna girl]

As for whether my biggest desire is A: wining or B: ending the situation; I'll over-ride the part of me that would like to tell her to take a flying flip and the part of me that would just like to stay in bed and cry, and vote for C: Just get to enjoy my grand-babies and my children, continue my peaceful life at home, go to WDW and ballgames and wherever else we want to go.

I asked my son if he thought she might be suffering from depression and he doesn't think so. I saw her three weeks ago and again Saturday and I don't get any indication of that either.

The most important consideration to me is being able to enjoy and know those babies.

I am thinking over my options.

Maybe I'm slow but is there a meaning to the dancing pickle I've been missing all this time?

Penny

 

[cabanafrau]

Had another thought. Your DS who is married to the DIL in question is a high school coach? They have a 3 y.o. & a 6 m.o.? The school year just started up. If he coaches a fall sport, practices began at least early Aug., maybe July in some cases, plus summer sports training camp. Is she a SAHM? Has she returned or will she be returning to work around this time?

It might be a good idea to say, DS, "Mary" has a lot on her plate right now, are you doing your part to be as supportive as you can be? (Sometimes guys need a little nudge.)

Maybe you could even offer to come for a visit soon to give them a chance to get out together, possibly even offering to bring some frozen home-cooked meals to stock their freezer if you're a cook?

I'll say it again, it's very likely this has nothing to do with you, you were just a convenient place for venting some frustrations. She may have PPD or something a bit more serious going on. She may be an overwhelmed mom, SAH or working outside the home. Maybe she's freaking out about a return to work? Adjusting to 2 kids isn't always easy. Maybe your son is being a little reluctant to engage in the endless drudgery of an infant again, particularly on top of the demands of parenting a 3 y.o. & not pulling his weight?

Many, many things could be going on. Choose your words & actions carefully.

 

[peyjax]

I am not in so much disbelief but confused. There is so much going on here. The fact that she prayed, pondered etc. over these issues before she talked to you makes me even more confused. The issues she had with you do not make any sense. She is all over the place grasping at straws to have issues with you. There is something much bigger going on here. The fact that she is deeply concerned because of your choice of vacation destination and what you do on the weekend is crazy!

I say you need to talk with your ds again, try to really find out what is going on and then talk to her. The only reasoning I could get is perhaps it is because she feels you are not spending enough time with her family and she is not really good at just saying that. It very well could be like the PP mentioned and she is going through a depression. Depressed people are usually like that and do not make much sense. I disagree with ignoring her because I think she actually does need you but has a bad way of going about it.

 

[wenrob]

OP-If you call her to "make peace" she will forever think she has a right to say and do anything she wants when it comes to you. She'll think she has you right where she wants you. There is obviously something that is bothering her but rather then have the guts to bring up the real issue (no doubt blown out of proportion by having a hen party w/other DIL) she's chosen to "confront" you with ridiculous issues.

As far as the threat to cut you off, maybe I'm too passive aggressive for my own good but I had the same type of thing happen with my brother's wife (just can't bring myself to call he my SIL). She was constantly baiting me and I refused to participate. She didn't like that so said something to the effect of "If you don't respond, we (implying my brother was in agreement) will not contact you anymore." Well, fine and dandy girlfriend! Her emails go unread and unanswered, I refuse to engage her in anyway. Don't threaten me unless you plan to follow through. Any contact we have is through my brother directly and I have never, ever told him what she said, I just flat don't engage her at all. Family events I'm unfailingly polite but I don't seek her out and refuse to get caught up in little dramas. I know it drives her NUTS. Of course I'm not saying this is what you should do, you have have grandbabies but please, please do not "make peace" for something that you did not do. Leave it be, let her come to you. Trust me, once she realizes you won't bow down to her she'll be begging you to come around.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

What exactly are you supposed to apologize for? Living your life? I don't get it. That is ridiculous. DIL doesn't like what you do in your free time and it does not effect her and you have to apologize for it? How do apologize for that? Do you ask her to give you a list of acceptable activities for you? Does she get to schedule your time so it suits her? Really? I would tell your son to take care of his own problems and you are not calling anyone.

Keep the peace? Really? Weird.