Totally fell down the Rabbit Hole like Alice, I need some advice ASAP - See post 103

[rie'smom]

Penny, I'm sorry that you're having these problems.

Sounds to me like your daughters in law had a talk and you were the center of the discussion.

Neither my mom nor my MIL babysit at all. They feel like they raised their kids and I respect that.

You and your daughter love WDW, I'd tell them it's none of anyone else's business. If it bothers their friends and relatives and the comments bother your DIL, they need not discuss your travel plans with anyone.

Your daughter is in high school and your grandsons play ball, so you and your husband attend the games-what's the problem?

I'll bet dollars to donuts they would never confront your husband about these things. They're like a couple of animals and are pouncing on you because they perceive you to be the weaker.

If you want to ask your sons what's going on, fine, however, this is more between you and the women. They're being shrewish.

I cannot believe that one of them lives with you and criticizes you like this. She probably resents the fact that they have to depend on you. It may be time to say bye-bye, find your own place. The tensions will affect everyone and especially your daughter.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I just wanted to add that you need to stop texting, emailing and writing her.

ALL communication needs to be done in person or on the phone.

DO NOT put anything else in writing.

Just like things get messed up here on the DISboards with people expressing things in posts, things will be taken the wrong way thru texts/emails.

Trust me.

 

[lucyanna girl]

Just got off the phone with my son. (husband of DIL two who has all the concerns). He called me. I would not have called and brought this up with him.

He was still at work when she called yesterday. He is (ironically enough) a high school coach and was at football practice.


DIL told him she had called me because there were some things she was concerned about. I read him the list I made when I got off the phone. (I wanted to be sure i had it all straight in my mind)

He couldn't believe her "concerns". I told him I truly hope that on the day he gets a call saying I have died it is when I am 99 years old and that I died on a roller coaster at WDW or dancing on a cruse ship. He says he hopes so too.

My son promised me that he will never let DIL cut me off from him or from the babies. He says she was angry because Sarah texted her and she decided that because Sarah is such a nice kid the words were mine and not hers. Not true. My quiet child has a hidden backbone (Thank God) that she rarely shows just because she is so nice. She felt very upset herself at the things DIL said about her and about me.

He asked me to please call DIL this evening and try to make peace for his sake.

?????? Now what????? I was leaning toward just ignoring as much as possible the conversation but now he has asked me to talk to her so that he can live in peace.

Amazing how life can get so complicated so quickly.

Penny

 

[Green Tea]

OP, that is just bizarre. Really. It sounds like you are doing everything right with your high school DD. Fifty-two seems really young to me. I can't imagine DIL picturing a 52 year old home with knitting needles and cooking pot roasts for Sunday dinner. Many of my kid's friends have parents older than that when in high school.

I'd chalk it up to a hormonal outbust and just let it go. Keep doing what you are doing.

 

[hentob]

He asked me to please call DIL this evening and try to make peace for his sake.

...... he has asked me to talk to her so that he can live in peace.

Your son is spineless. What an awful thing to do to a mother. Doesn't he realize she treated you like trash? Awful

 

[rie'smom]

Just got off the phone with my son. (husband of DIL two who has all the concerns). He called me. I would not have called and brought this up with him.

He was still at work when she called yesterday. He is (ironically enough) a high school coach and was at football practice.


DIL told him she had called me because there were some things she was concerned about. I read him the list I made when I got off the phone. (I wanted to be sure i had it all straight in my mind)

He couldn't believe her "concerns". I told him I truly hope that on the day he gets a call saying I have died it is when I am 99 years old and that I died on a roller coaster at WDW or dancing on a cruse ship. He says he hopes so too.

My son promised me that he will never let DIL cut me off from him or from the babies. He says she was angry because Sarah texted her and she decided that because Sarah is such a nice kid the words were mine and not hers. Not true. My quiet child has a hidden backbone (Thank God) that she rarely shows just because she is so nice. She felt very upset herself at the things DIL said about her and about me.

He asked me to please call DIL this evening and try to make peace for his sake.

?????? Now what????? I was leaning toward just ignoring as much as possible the conversation but now he has asked me to talk to her so that he can live in peace.

Amazing how life can get so complicated so quickly.

Penny

If I were in your position and I chose to call, I'd probably just say, " Thanks for pointing out these things. I appreciate it." That will shut her up and then just continue to live your life the way you have been.

If she's determined to be right, then you've given her a "victory". You cannot be logical with an illogical person. She sounds like my mom who has never lost an argument. I've learned to let her win because it makes my life easier. Pride takes a backseat to peace.

Just read your post # 46. I figure the 2 had a hen session.

 

[Lionqueen2]

I agree with this. She was way over stepped her boundaries on the things she is saying. You need to have a talk with your son and maybe get whatever the real issues are brought to light.



I do wonder something though, and this is no reflection on how you and your husband have done things. It sounds like you have done a fabulous job of bringing a blended family together. But, is there perhaps some jealousy with these two dil's in that they are afraid of one part of the family being treated differently than their husbands and children?

Not in any way, saying you do that or do anything like that; but people can see things in a strange way sometimes.

Just my 2 cents....
This is what I was thinking. It may be that you are doing nothing wrong, but more in the way DIL#2 sees it. She may feel that if you can go to WDW that maybe you could spend more time with them. She knows that you spend a lot of time with you DD, but may think you could be more attentive to her family. I think she is craving your attention and affection. She probably feels like you are a fun person and would like to be a bigger part of that.
Sometimes things that people say - like enjoying going to WDW - aren't the real issue, but are insights into something more. To me, it sounds as if you DIL#2 is hurting in some way.

You sound like a wonderful fun person with lots of love to give and I'm sure your keen instincts will help you find a way through this.

 

[RadioFanatic]

I'm about to write a post I would never have imagined writing.

I have always loved my two daughters-in-law dearly. I never thought they, or I, were perfect but I thought they were pretty close. Now it seems that I am the one who is failing badly.

DIL number one recently told me that I am not the kind of grandmother she would have me be. I baby-sit when she asks me to but my failing is that I don't call her and ask to baby-sit more.

I should stop here and interject that DH and I have a blended family. He and his first wife had three children, I had two boys with my first husband and we had Sarah together. We have been married for 25 years and after a certain point they all just became "our kids". My best friend is now my husbands ex-wife, someone else who I was blessed to have come into my life after we married. The two DILs I am posting about are married to my sons by by first marriage.

We are older than many parents with a child still in high school (Sarah is a Senior) but still very active and go a lot. (I am 52) We have always thought this was a good thing. We attend all school functions but we also attended them all for our older children.

If you are still with me the Rabbit Hole part came tonight.

DIL number two called me to express "some concerns" she has about me.

She asked me to just listen and we would discuss them later. It's a good thing because for the first time in my life I was struck dumb.

#1. What in the world is wrong with me that a grown woman loves Disney World so much? It seems it embarrasses her when her family and friends ask why we like to go so much.

The we is DD and I. My husband is not a theme park junkie. He has been a couple of times but sadly doesn't love it like we do. He does love for us to go. I am Lucky to have a very loving, giving man who really gets enjoyment from seeing us happy.

#2. Why do my husband and I love to go to high school football and baseball games at our daughter's high school so much when we have no one on the team?

First of all DIL is forgetting that we actually do have family on the team. A grandson on each team. They are lower class men and don't get much playing time yet but are on the teams.

Secondly, we go because the nice boy Sarah has been dating is on the football team. He does start and is a very good player. We are very fond of him and like watching him play.

We started tailgating at home games last year and love it. My husband cooks enough for the team to eat after the game and it gives him a lot of pleasure to feed the boys. Our daughter (older one who has a son on the team),her husband and her daughter as well as two other grand-daughters usually join us. My wife-in-law and her husband and Sarah's boy friends family eat and visit too. The DILs and my sons in question in this post do not come. One set lives here but doesn't do ballgames. The one who asked all these questions and my other son live three hours away. Ironically, he is a high school coach himself.

We also love to watch baseball. Our high school team has went to state final 4 twice in the last three years and the finals last year. We have a grandson on the team who has the makings of a really good player when he gets a little seasoning on him.

We will probably keep attending both football and baseball even after we really don't have anyone related to us on the team because we both enjoy it.

She didn't mention softball. Maybe because Sarah is on the team?


#3. Why do Sarah and her boy friend hang out at home so much?

I thought it was a good thing that they like to be at our house?
They are both Honors students ( number one and three in their class). Most nights Jacob comes over here. They eat dinner, do homework, and watch TV or get on the computer and listen to music, Face book, etc. Spend most weekends around here too. We often go out to eat as a family, see most new release movies, shop. Do a lot with them. I know we are very lucky they still like hanging around us but I didn't know there was anything wrong with it.

Many of the girls Sarah used to hang out with have developed new "interests". One has had a baby, some like to drink and party, a few smoke pot, one got kicked out of her house and now lives with her boyfriend.

DIL did say that she ran into a couple of Sarah's friends and they told her they didn't spend time with Sarah because she still hung around here to much. Truth is Sarah has distanced herself from some of these girls.

We ask my son and DIL who live here to eat out occasionally but unless you give them loads of notice they usually don't come.

We always take my other son and DIL out to eat when we go to visit them.

#4. Why are Sarah and I so close anyway?

How do I answer that?

#5. How could I have not gotten along with my own mother?

True. My mother and I had a falling out and did not speak for several years before she dies. At the end I did spend a lot of time at the hospital and was there when she died. I will not go into the whys here or with DIL. It is enough to say that I had good reason.

#6. DIL thinks that perhaps I am experiencing a second childhood or midlife crisis.

?????

DIL also says she cannot understand why I like to go and do so much. I guess I should just sit home and wait to die?

She ended by telling me that she loves me and is there if I ever need to talk to a mature woman.


I am still speechless.

Penny

I'll admit to not reading the other posts but I want you to know something. I have a 20 month old son. When he is your daughter's age, I will be about your age. I can only hope and dream that I have the kind of relationship with my son that you have with your daughter. I am wondering if your DIL and son are jealous because of that relationship since they live at a distance. I admit, my DH, DS and I are the long distance family. On my side, my sister and family live in the same town as my parents which is 12 hours from us. On my husbands, my Sister in law and her son live with my husband's parents who are four hours away from us. We do get jealous that our siblings' kids get more attention from them bc of the closeness. But I would NEVER try to make my mother or MIL feel badly because of it. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

 

[RitaE]

you need to call her so that HE can live in peace?
Puhleeze!

I have one piece of advice - since you asked for advice.

Just because your DIL (or plural DILs) have created this little slice of family drama does NOT mean you are obligated to participate in it. You owe them NO explanation whatsoever in regards to how you vacation, spend your Friday nights, or even the amount of time you are willing to spend babysitting for them.

I'd tell you son that his wife is acting like a fruit loop and offering opinions on situations that are none of her freakin' bizness and you will not be calling her to make nice. No hard feelings, but you just aren't going to discuss it anymore. The end.

But then -- I'm kind of in a pissy mood this week and if I received a phone call like that I'd probably explode on somebody. You seem like a much nicer person than me.

 

[agnes!]

The entire original conversation is bewildering to me. I think you sound like a wonderful person. My DD only has one grandparent left and my FIL & MIL were both wonderful to me.

A couple of thoughts...
*DIL1 & DIL2 should really stop gossiping to each other about how you live your life, but since it has already started, I doubt it will stop. You have to remember that you cannot really change others, only your reaction to them.

*DO NOT ENGAGE the DILs on any of this unpleasantness. I repeat, DO NOT ENGAGE, at this point do NOT directly respond, you will only lose. Do not send texts or emails until you have a while to *think*. Be bland. If either of them start in on you in a text or email do not respond. If they call, say something like "I'm sorry you feel that way" and move on to another subject ("Tell me about the baby" or "How are your parents doing this winter?" etc.) Do not argue, do not defend yourself. What you have to understand is that at this point what you say truly does not matter.

*The threat to withhold your grandchildren from you is bizarre. I would only withhold my child from being with a relative if I felt that person would endanger my child. This DIL's threat seems childish, like she's throwing a temper-tantrum.

*Sarah sounds like a wonderful girl, but you need to see EXACTLY what she wrote to your DIL so you can respond. You (and Sarah) might even need to apologize, and you can DO that without compromising yourself *and* DIL will think it's great. Say something like "I am sorry that you were offended. I wrote that in haste". You ARE sorry she was offended (maybe not sorry about what Sarah had to say... or what you had to say), BUT DIL won't hear that. She'll just hear "sorry".

*Do none of your communicating by text or by e-mail, words on a page can be misunderstood, things can be taken the wrong way (happens all the time on Internet message-boards...), "Send" can be hit before you have a chance to think about the consequences. I would even be wary of doing it my phone, but by phone is better - at least you have a chance to hear people's tone of voice.

And here's a . I am so sorry about all this unpleasantness, but I think it's been a long time coming. Just because there are calm waters doesn't mean that there isn't a storm brewing underneath.

agnes!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Call her up, make peace and then continue to move on with life. Don't try and "win" anything. Long term, just not worth it.

 

[AlleyKat]

I then got a text message from her.

It read, " I chose my words carefully and even wrote them down and prayed about them. I didn't say anything that wasn't the truth and my feelings. U asked what was wrong with w me and I spoke. Don't send me a nasty message w Sarah again. I cut my own mom off for 2 yrs. I have no prob doin it again w u."

I'm sorry to pour all this out here but I'm just so upset. That she could threaten to "cut me off"??? Just because to her I'm not acting like a little old white haired Granny?

I really don't know what to do here. I love and adore my grand-babies and cannot imagine what has got into my DILs, especially DIL two.

Penny

HA, she won't "cut you off", she'd be "cutting off" her nose to spite her face if she does!

Knowing she "cuts off" folks is a good indication this DIL has "issues", if she doesn't get her own way!

Call DIL's mother and ask her about the situation that warranted her being "cut off". You may get insight into DIL's personality flaws and past behavioral problems.

This situation has nothing to do with your status as "grandmother", it has to do with your status as "mother", to Sarah!

DIL may be thirty and college educated but it's clear she's a self-centered spoiled child!

I'd say the ball is in YOUR court now. Hold on to it for as long as you can, while you assess the next "play".

 

[Tuffcookie]

OP, When you call her tonight just tell your DIL (I'm not using DDIL here for a reason!) that you love her and are always there if she needs you. Tell her it is okay to agree to disagree and then start talking about something lighter. Maybe that will defuse the situation.

You are a saint! I don't think your son should have asked this of you but he did, so I would honor his request.

TC

 

[sunnyday123]

you need to call her so that HE can live in peace?
Puhleeze!

I have one piece of advice - since you asked for advice.

Just because your DIL (or plural DILs) have created this little slice of family drama does NOT mean you are obligated to participate in it. You owe them NO explanation whatsoever in regards to how you vacation, spend your Friday nights, or even the amount of time you are willing to spend babysitting for them.

I'd tell you son that his wife is acting like a fruit loop and offering opinions on situations that are none of her freakin' bizness and you will not be calling her to make nice. No hard feelings, but you just aren't going to discuss it anymore. The end.

But then -- I'm kind of in a pissy mood this week and if I received a phone call like that I'd probably explode on somebody. You seem like a much nicer person than me.

Me too! I'd get major points if I told you what I woudl've told her. I think it's wonderful that you participate in your Dd's life and that you are so close. She makes good decisions-so rare with teenagers today. Does she think your extravagant Disney resort hopping lifestyle is going to waste away her inheiritance ?( I know I spelled it wrong!)

And I would absolutely not call her and "make nice". There is no need for you to apologize to her. However, by not calling her, it will probably build a wall up between you because she will continue her victim role. I'd do what another poster suggested and call her out on her concerns. What is it she wants? Then in a very nice way, tell her to take a short walk off a long
pier.

If you really want to finish her off, tell her I had to be the designated driver for my Mom, Step-father and a bunch of other old farts at a beach bar this summer. The average age was 62.

ETA:And totally OT, but what do you all think this blue banana means??

 

[Wishing on a star]

DO NOT CALL YOUR DIL!!!!!!!

Do not 'engage'.
You will be entering 'her world' and putting yourself on her level.
You cannot have a rational positive effective conversation with somebody who is not rational or positive.

I am NOT writing off her 'cut you off' comments.
This shows signs of somebody who who is emotionally/psychologically troubled.
I actually do feel sorry for your DIL (and therefore, your son as well)

You have done NOTHING to her...
SHE called you, and you have nothing to apologize for.
Why should you apologize for HER actions???
Do NOT get drawn in....

Simply screen your calls... and do NOT engage with her.

As another poster just said...
Your son is apparantly spineless when it comes to his wife.

If there is trouble in paradise (your son's marriage, new baby, etc...) then this is up to your son to deal with.
Tell your son that it is up to him to find peace in his marriage.
Tell him that you are very sorry, and you love and support him, but that you feel it is best to stay back and not interfere.
Something tells me that if this young woman is so angry, demanding, threatening to 'cut people off' etc... that your son is also experiencing being on the receiving end of this.

SUPPORT YOUR SON, BUT DO NOT PERSONALLY ENGAGE WITH YOUR DIL. This advice stands for both of your sons.....

NOTE: VERY IMPORTANT HERE... I DON'T CARE WHAT YOUR DAUGHTER MAY HAVE OVERHEARD.... SHE SHOULD BE UNDER ORDERS TO REFRAIN FROM HAVING ONE WORD TO ENTER THIS FRAY... NOW YOU ARE IN THE SITUATION WHERE THIS IS AFFECTING YOUR YOUNGER DAUGHTER... YOU SHOULD REFRAIN FROM 'ENGAGING' WITH THIS DIL (BOTH OF THEM) AND YOUR DAUGHTER SHOULD BE UNDER ORDERS TO DO THE SAME.

This situation should not involve your younger daughter, AT ALL. If she becomes involved, it complicates matters, and gives your DIL's an inroad to try to come between you and her.... If she texts them, they they are then free to text her back, telling her what a despicable person/MIL/grandmother/and, yes, mother that you are. You do NOT want to go there.... Not appropriate... I would have a talk with your daughter, and advise her to step back, and to have NO personal communication with DIL.

And, OP.... just to be truthful here.... You are the one who voluntarily opened up and posted details of your family situation, your daughter, etc... And, yes, from the other side of the screen here, from the outside, it does sound like your daughter could be perceived as 'the golden child'. Just something for you to think about. EVERY single 'concern' that your DIL covered were things that involved time and money that are spent on/with your daughter (while you do not do enough for them). That is just self-explanatory.

 

[padams]

You sound like a great mom who loves her son so much you'd do anything for him. I don't think you should call her however. It will just continue a she said/she said drama between you, DIL and DS. It may morph into other topics and this could set up a pattern of communication that will follow you down the road. Don't go there.

I suggest inviting them over to your house for lunch or dinner this weekend (it seems they live nearby). Pick a time that everyone can attend (DS, DIL, baby, you, your DH and Sarah). Don't bring up the "issues" during the invitation phone call. At lunch or dinner, I would casually bring up the items on the list one by one. For example, "so DIL, you think we go to Disney too much?". See what she says. You'll be calling her out in front of everyone, and hopefully shutting down this type of behavior (calling MIL to complain about her). I am betting DIL will back down in front of everyone and won't say what she was so willing to say to you in a private conversation. You need to remain calm and friendly throughout the event. You should laugh off her complaints (haha, if you (DIL) have another child in x years, then current baby will be married and you'll still be going to high school events). Don't let her get to you.

If she can't get past her trivial concerns, then suggest that she visit the Disboards, and some of us here will fill her in on REAL MIL issues.

 

[cabanafrau]

Wow, just wow. When I read your later post about the ages of their 2 children my first thought was the same as another poster's -- postpartum depression. When did she cut her mother off for 2 years, after baby #1? She may possibly have latent, underlying mental health issues that get stirred up mightily by pregnancy, possible breastfeeding, etc.

The fact that your son requested you make peace so he can live in peace is a red flag that maybe things in their home are quite volatile. My first instinct is to tell him you cannot come up with something to say to her that is truthful and will not cause hard feelings. My next best stab at it would be "I hear your concerns DDIL and I have given them a lot of thought. I hope you understand we'll have to agree to disagree."

IMO, the only time it's appropriate to approach mom, dad, MIL, FIL, grandma, etc. to "express concerns" would go something like this . . .

Mom, we've been a bit concerned since the side of your car got the big dent & scratch, but now that the corner of the garage is crunched up too, we're wondering if driving might be getting to be a bit much for you.

Grandpa, we know the doctor told you that you have to avoid salt wherever possible and I happened to notice the chips and lots of Campbell's soup in the kitchen. Could I make up some meals for you to keep in the freezer to help you, because I know cooking is hard for you & cooking for one seems like too much effort sometimes.

Now, either one of those conversations has the potential of opening up a family can of worms too, but sometimes intervention is necessary. Whatever gave your DIL the idea that she has the right to dictate your lifestyle to you may not even have anything to do with you in the end. Hopefully you can come up with a way for a peaceful resolution and get back to your regularly scheduled programming.

 

[Darsa]

I have nothing to add that hasn't already been said, advice-wise. All I can add is my and my hope that I am half as cool a mom as you sound like.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

No offense to your age ....

But as the elder who was disrespected by a butt-insky daughter in law, you are not the one who needs to make peace. I would have told my son to stuff it. He clearly doesn't have issues with you--but it sounds like he fails to see how it is none of your DIL's business the things you enjoy doing.

The jealousy is astounding to me.

Not knowing too much about your daughter--there is a clear age gap and your DIL's shouldn't be jealous of a child that still lives at home,. They are poisoning your sons with crap.

Your DIL is grade A witch.

 

[AlleyKat]

Just got off the phone with my son.


He asked me to please call DIL this evening and try to make peace for his sake.

?????? Now what????? I was leaning toward just ignoring as much as possible the conversation but now he has asked me to talk to her so that he can live in peace.

Penny

This DIL's behavior is apparently affecting your son's life BUT it's most likely her behavior in ALL aspects of their lives!

Her unwillingness to "live and let live" is NOT your problem!

If I were in this situation...I would NOT call as I did not create the mess!

That stated, I hope this situation resolves itself soon.