Torn on what to do

[LiveYourLife]

maybe you should have told her, 2 years is a long time to hold a grudge

Maybe the MIL should have picked up the phone and called her Son instead of texting him to ask why he didn't share the news of the pregnancy. Texting instead of calling says a lot.

 

[I loveStitchnippyjon]

If you are 5 months pregnant and your MIL has not been in touch even to acknowledge your pregnancy, I see no reason you should invite her to the baby shower and no reason you should feel badly about it. She may not even accept an invitation is she was invited.

Congratulations on your new baby, best of luck to you.

I agree with this response. It truly does not appear that MIL has any interest in your family, so cut your losses, move on, and enjoy your new little one stress-free!

 

[happygirl]

Maybe the MIL should have picked up the phone and called her Son instead of texting him to ask why he didn't share the news of the pregnancy. Texting instead of calling says a lot.

That a big leap. I NEVER call anyone EVER, I text everything to everyone. I hate talking on the phone. I don't think that texting or calling really says someone cares or not

 

[LiveYourLife]

That a big leap. I NEVER call anyone EVER, I text everything to everyone. I hate talking on the phone. I don't think that texting or calling really says someone cares or not

I'm typing. And I'm backspacing. I'm typing. And I'm backspacing. I'm typing. And I'm backspacing.

 

[bellebud]

what does your dh think about inviting her or not?

 

[happygirl]

I'm typing. And I'm backspacing. I'm typing. And I'm backspacing. I'm typing. And I'm backspacing.

 

[Mrs. Ciz]

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Fast forward 25 or 30 years. This baby you are carrying is now a grown man. He's married, you don't get along with his wife. They are expecting their first child. Would you want her to exclude you from the baby shower?

I went through some difficulty with my husband's family early in my marriage. At times I felt "wronged", but I never made my husband choose between me and his family. I went out of my way to try to repair the relationships, for my husband's sake. Family is family in my book, even if they are a pain in the butt.

One exception - if the parent is/was a drug abuser, child beater, steals from you, etc, then for your own protection sometimes you have to terminate the relationship.

 

[ksjayhawks]

It's the OP's sister, not SIL.

OP, I must admit, in reading your post I'm confused at what the predicament is that you feel you're in with regards to your MIL and your shower

1) You've never had a relationship with your MIL.

2) Your DH doesn't have a relationship with his Mother.

3) She is disrespectful towards you and DH.

4) You haven't spoken to her in 2 years

5) You don't want to be tense or uncomfortable with her at your shower.

6) She may cause problems if she comes to the shower.

7) She hasn't called to congratulate you on your pregnancy.

It's very clear that you shouldn't even think twice about inviting her to the shower, or feeling guilty if you don't.

Don't sweat it!

I totally agree with this. Do not invite her to the shower. That is not the time to try for a reconciliation. If you and dh want to reach out to her and see if she wants to be a part of your lives again, that is something that you should do in private, not at a public event that is to honor you and your new baby. You have no idea how she will act as you have had no contact with her for 2 years. Why risk it?

I really wish I knew why I felt this guilt. I know she's wronged us and deep down I don't want her there. I'm just confused and wish I wasn't :-(

Ellie

Why do you feel like you do? Because you would like your future child to have a relationship with his/her grandmother like other kids do. However she has wronged you and there is no relationship. So don't invite her; move on with your life. Maybe there will be a time down the road when a relationship can be reestablished, maybe not. Focus on the family that you do have that love you, dh, and your future child and don't waste time on toxic people.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Baby showers are not the place for "reconcilation". How many threads do we read about this?

EXAMPLE...."I have not spoken to DIL in TWO YEARS and suddenly without warning an invite comes in the mail about her HAVING A BABY SHOWER! I did not even know she was pregnant!"

If you want to "reconcile" with MIL then your DH has to be the one to do that, it is HIS MOTHER. Let things happen naturally and do not force it.

ETA...If you do not "want her there" then for the love of all things, do not invite her. It is OK. Stop feeling guilty, you are doing nothing wrong. It is a baby shower which is a party. Baby showers are for your friends and close family, not people that have wronged you. Like the others say here, MOVE ON WITH LIFE!!!


(HUGS)

 

[goofyintoronto]

Im just as confused as you are!

I agree with everything here 100%.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Fast forward 25 or 30 years. This baby you are carrying is now a grown man. He's married, you don't get along with his wife. They are expecting their first child. Would you want her to exclude you from the baby shower?

I went through some difficulty with my husband's family early in my marriage. At times I felt "wronged", but I never made my husband choose between me and his family. I went out of my way to try to repair the relationships, for my husband's sake. Family is family in my book, even if they are a pain in the butt.

One exception - if the parent is/was a drug abuser, child beater, steals from you, etc, then for your own protection sometimes you have to terminate the relationship.

 

[mjkacmom]

Thanks for the advice! DH has a good relationship with his grandmother and she relayed the information. The only reason I know this is because MIL texted him asking why he didn't tell her as soon as we found out.

Ellie

Before reading this, I was thinking that she was probably just as hurt that you didn't tell her about the pregnancy as you are that she didn't call and congratulate you. In situations like this, there are always 3 sides to the story - it's rare that one side is totally responsible for the issues.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Fast forward 25 or 30 years. This baby you are carrying is now a grown man. He's married, you don't get along with his wife. They are expecting their first child. Would you want her to exclude you from the baby shower?

I went through some difficulty with my husband's family early in my marriage. At times I felt "wronged", but I never made my husband choose between me and his family. I went out of my way to try to repair the relationships, for my husband's sake. Family is family in my book, even if they are a pain in the butt.

One exception - if the parent is/was a drug abuser, child beater, steals from you, etc, then for your own protection sometimes you have to terminate the relationship.

While I get what you are saying, a baby shower is a party. Hinging life long relationships on the invite of a party is a myopic way to live.

If you are not invited because you treat someone poorly, you deserve it.

It is better to be reflective, take your lumps and then create a better relationship if you want it.

We don't know how OP was "wronged" but it really does not matter at this point. OP has not spoken to her MIL in 2yrs. There is clearly a major rift here that needs to be repaired.

MIL knows she is pregnant and has not contacted her once.

When people show you who they are, believe it.

 

[LiveYourLife]

While I get what you are saying, a baby shower is a party. Hinging life long relationships on the invite of a party is a myopic way to live.

If you are not invited because you treat someone poorly, you deserve it.

It is better to be reflective, take your lumps and then create a better relationship if you want it.

We don't know how OP was "wronged" but it really does not matter at this point. OP has not spoken to her MIL in 2yrs. There is clearly a major rift here that needs to be repaired.

MIL knows she is pregnant and has not contacted her once.

When people show you who they are, believe it.

Very well said

 

[LiveYourLife]

Im just as confused as you are! .

Because sometimes it's just not worth the energy to engage with that particular poster. And I think she knows it. And I probably should have just ignored it. My error.

 

[DisneyDreamGirl87]

While I get what you are saying, a baby shower is a party. Hinging life long relationships on the invite of a party is a myopic way to live.

If you are not invited because you treat someone poorly, you deserve it.

It is better to be reflective, take your lumps and then create a better relationship if you want it.

We don't know how OP was "wronged" but it really does not matter at this point. OP has not spoken to her MIL in 2yrs. There is clearly a major rift here that needs to be repaired.

MIL knows she is pregnant and has not contacted her once.

When people show you who they are, believe it.

Thank you for the advice!

I love that quote...my dad used to tell us that as we were growing up!

Ellie

 

[rodeo65]

With the exception of a relatively short "reconciliation" we have not seen or spoken to my ILs in 10 years. This is DH's choice. He was abused verbally and physically growing up and had several breaks with his family over the years long before I came along. He always felt guilty and tried to reconcile. When we met, I had a hard time believing his family could be as bad as he described and we had several arguments over my attempt to justify things they would do or say. After a few years together, and around the time we were planning our wedding, I saw them for what they really were.

When we called to tell them I was pregnant with our first my MIL said some very hurtful things and from that point, I limited the amount of time I'd spend with her when they visited, which was infrequently anyway. Once our son was born, DH, after several attempts to talk about HIS relationship with his parents made the decision that it was never going to be a healthy relationship for him and wanted to insulate our child/future children from his family.

The period of time that we did try to see if fences could be mended lasted about 18 months when the kids were around 5 and 6. If did not go well - people are who they are for the most part, and change is rare. DH has made peace with his decision and I have supported him whichever way he wanted to go over the years. Didn't enjoy that 18 months, but I did grin and bear it.

Because your husband has his own issues with his family, and your alignment is with him, to me this is an easy answer. You may feel guity, but remember his relationship with them has issues outside of yours with his family.

Enjoy your shower and celebrating your pending arrival!!

 

[DisneyDreamGirl87]

Awww

May I ask somewhat of a personal question? If you don't want to answer, I understand. Would she be your Baby's only Grandmother??

Fortunately, no. My mom has a very active role in our lives as well as DH's grandmother

Ellie

 

[bellebud]

OP, what are the relationships like her others from her side of the family? For your shower, who else will be invited that knows her? I'd assume dh's grandma. Any aunts/cousins, etc?

I also agree w/ others that a shower isn't the place to mend rifts.

Since you're feeling so guilty, maybe say to dh that this will be one last try from you guys. Have him get in touch with her and you guys all go out to lunch (or whatever would feel comfortable). Maybe grandma could come too? Just a small family get-together. See how that goes, then decide on the invite for the shower.

If you had to, I love the idea of 2 showers. A small one that includes mil and a few other people, then your real one.

You haven't said how dh feels about it all. Does he have any siblings? There's very little info about his side... hard to give advice or offer ideas w/ so little info.

 

[Mrs. Ciz]

Before reading this, I was thinking that she was probably just as hurt that you didn't tell her about the pregnancy as you are that she didn't call and congratulate you. In situations like this, there are always 3 sides to the story - it's rare that one side is totally responsible for the issues.

I totally agree with the above. So the two have not spoken in 2 years. The MIL has not contacted the OP. Has the OP tried to contact the MIL? OP says there is no relationship between her DH and MIL, but the DH and MIL text...so there is something there.

I think it all boils down to a difference in life philosophies:
a) if a person has wronged you, cut them off, life is too short to deal with mean people no matter who they are.
b)Family is family, you accept and deal with your husband's family because you love your husband and they are his family.

I go with B. It makes my husband and my children happy. I choose to put them first. But that's just me.

 

[LiveYourLife]

Fortunately, no. My mom has a very active role in our lives as well as DH's grandmother

Ellie

Thank you. I was thinking if MIL was the only Grandmother that your little one will have, that could have been part of the reason you were torn.

As I mentioned, and have others, don't stress or feel guilty over this. If you are feeling that you want to reconcile, your Shower is not a good place to do it. Just enjoy the rest of your pregnancy, and let your DH handle this. It's his Mom.

Best wishes to you Ellie!