Too harsh?

[McKelly]

Okay, I think I may have been a little harsh........

My DD9 came home today from school all excited because they set up this new E-mail system at school that she wanted to try out so she could E-mail all of her friends. Well, long story short, I told her she wasn't going to be E-mailing anybody until I checked out the sight (no note home from school or teacher regarding this). She had a password, log-on, it is specifically for school, everything seemed legit. So I sat next to her and watched her type her first E-mail to a friend. I know I was making her uncomfortable peering over her shoulder, but hey, she is 9, and I will hover if I want to!! Ads were popping up all over and I wanted to make sure she knew how to use it properly (and so I knew what I was doing!!) Something just seemed "off" to me about it, but whatever, I am the ultimate worry wart....nothing new there.

Well, a couple hours later, my younger son comes in and tells me that my DD is writing another E-mail to her friend about me!! So of course I have to check it out:

Yo XXXXXX,

Just want to tell you about when I first got on at home. First of all, I was begining to start typing to you when my mom came in and said to me that she needs to know if the system is safe or not. I tell her what Mrs. XXXX said about her checking it.She says fine , but then she sits next to me and starts reading what I wrote to you! I am sitting there doing nothing, because I REALLY don't like her watching me. While she was watching, she was eating something. When she went to throw it away, I wrote as much as I could.

Hope you write back soon!

Sincerly,

Well, this really MADE ME MAD!! What a little ungrateful stinker!! Well, I called her on it, and she cried for over an hour!! I told her I wondered what her teacher is going to think of her when she reads what she thinks of her mother! And she wasn't worried at all about how I felt, but what her teacher is going to think of her! Can you believe it!! And then when my DH tried talking to her, my DD informed him that the E-mail is private between students and teachers! Well, I chimed in that NOTHING in a nine year old's life is private!! Geesh!!

Anyway, I grounded her from the computer - no E-mail, Webkinz, American Girl, nothing for I don't know how long! And I E-mailed her teacher and informed her that my DD will not be using the new E-mail system, unless it was for homework (they have pen pals through school).

Am I crazy? Did I overreact? Probably. What would you have done? Maybe I should not have E-mailed the teacher, she will probably think I am nuts. Does this stuff really start at nine?

 

[phragmipedium]

IMO, yes it does start then - maybe earlier. It will probably get worse before it gets better.

I think you might have over-reacted a touch, and I think that at that age, the more you react to something, they more they want to do it and rebell.

I'd lay out a plan for what she can and can't do, go over internet safety, and limit her time per day. Keep the computer in a visible area, (maybe living room) but don't watch over her shoulder unless you have any suspicion something's going on. If you really don't trust her or worry she'll do something she shouldn't, you can install keyword loggers and also review browsing history. If you do so, I'd let her know up-front that you worry about her safety and have installed the programs so that you can have peace of mind if you feel concerned about something - and that you don't want to have to check up on her, because you would like to trust her, so ask her not to break that trust and to abide by rules you have laid out for her. I'd also install a pop-up blocker (there are things you won't want her to see), perhaps look into blocking certain websites, and make sure you have anti-virus software and lecture her on not downloading things from emails or websites she doesn't trust.

She'll need to be computer literate, and it sounds like her teacher is attempting to help with that. I'd probably message the teacher again and let her know I was just stressed about my daughter growing up and her safety, and that I'd reevaluate it, and thank her for helping to teach my daughter. I wouldn't forbid the email program, but I do think that a temporary punishment from "fun" sites (like Webkins) is in order for trying to be sneaky - maybe a few days. Only you know your daughter and what's best for her, but it seems from her email that she was reacting more to being watched and rebelling against that, than she was actually trying to be malicious and dangerous with the internet. Good luck with your pre-teen! And your littlest one...apparently he's keeping an eye out for you, lol.

 

[douglisa]

I agree, too harsh.
I also agree with you about over reacting.
Of course she is going to blow off steam to her friend, she was angry.
You are right to be leery of the Internet, it can be scary for us parents.
But you could have told her you would like to ask the teacher about the safety of the site before you allowed her on it. It's good the school is doing something that is safe and allows them to stay in touch over the summer.
Sometimes it is a good idea to fess up to our children when we over react and apologize, it builds their trust and shows them our human side.
Good luck, Lisa

 

[ilovejack02]

I do think ya kinda over reacted. I would just flat out tell her, nothing is private at nine and leave it at that.
Kids are gonna vent to their friends about us parents. You did it, I did it and she is going to do it. Hell I just got off the phone with my best friend and venting about my mom and im 34.

I think you should have gone over the rules along time ago if this isnt her first rodeo with the computer. If its is her first time, then she truly has no idea about the bad stuff that can happen on computers if you havent gone over it before.
Im NOT saying your a bad mom, just one that got her feelings hurt by DD and is overreacting . I dont think she really got that she cant keep it private, now she knows. I think everyone might need to take a few deep breaths, regroup, rethink and discuss again. Its ok to admit we are wrong as parents sometimes.

 

[ShesAPirate]

Well, if you really want to know, yeah - I think you over-reacted. It's not like she wrote, "wow, my mom is such a %$@!@" or anything. She just said she doesn't like you reading over her shoulder... and I can't blame her. I've never liked anyone reading over my shoulder, even when I was 9.

Maybe, as a mom, I would've read the email, but I wouldn't have called her on it. After all - I think your initial goal was to make sure she's safe, and not doing anything dangerous... but then maybe your feelings got hurt after reading that 2nd email, which is why you reacted the way you did.

So, yeah... but she's your child, so I wouldn't even begin to try to tell you how to raise her.

 

[ilovecountry]

hmmm I understand every situation is different but I don't see the reason to be grounded. At 9 years old, I would've just refused to type anything w/ my mom or dad looking at what I was writing. I was writing about gossip about girls, boys, etc (as does every other young girl) Even the email you read, it didn't really even say anything bad. I don't know it just seems extremely harsh & it doesn't even seem like she did anything wrong. This could also make her retaliate badly, causing her to go behind your back everytime she wants to use the net. Personally, I just don't see the issue about the email though & please don't take this the wrong way but I feel horrible for her

 

[ilovejack02]

PS i think id go over tattle telling with the little brother too.
At least thats just me, in my house, if someone is in danger, bleeding or sick and a few other situations then i need to know about it. But we dont tattle just to get someone in trouble.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

I think you were 100% correct.

Don't be so hard on yourself, you can't be too protective when it comes to computers IMHO.

 

[ilovejack02]

I think you were 100% correct.

Don't be so hard on yourself, you can't be too protective when it comes to computers IMHO.

I get the not being private stuff, heck she is only 9. But shouldnt kids be allowed to vent a bit without the threat of everything being taken away for an unspecified time.


PS op i bet the teacher doesnt think your nuts.. I dont lol, i can totally remember flipping out on DS19 for hurting my feelings a cpl of different times in his life.

 

[douglisa]

I am sure you are probably a great mother! God knows I have my days.
Sometimes I need to remind myself to breath. We are human and we make mistakes, hopefully we also learn from them. Love to you op.

 

[SwedishMeatball]

I don't blame you for being leary and wanting to check it out initially, but seeing her email and getting so emotional to the point of reacting that way was probably a bit impulsive. Trust me that the griping to friends about what you do has only just begun.

 

[EMom]

No, you weren't too harsh. It helps to go psycho on them every once in a while. Keeps them on their toes.

 

[lilyv]

I hope you take a bit of time and re-think the punishment. The last thing you want to do is overreact and encourage your kids to be secretive.

 

[PixieDust32]

I agree, too harsh, sorry

When my two girls first come to me and wanted to e-mail friends and the webkinz, miley and those kids websites, I sat with them and explained to them the beauty and the danger of the internet.
How some evil people pray on little kids and how easy is to do it and fall into their traps, with an easy and simple words. I told them not to ever, ever, talk or do anything if they don't know them, and the whole 9 yards.

I never had any problems, they use my e-mail to chat with their friends, they send e-card and things like that. I use the parental controls, e-mail filters, we blocked the access to chats (I never used them) etc etc.
They also had the school e-mail.

You don't want her to do things behind your back because she's scare of being grounded.
Good Luck.

 

[McKelly]

Well, after reading everyone's replies, the general consensus seems to be that I overreacted, which I probably did. However, I will not "take back" the punishment, it was only through the weekend and it is not going to kill her. To me, this was more of a disrespectful thing. She not only dissed her mother (who doesn't?), but also her father when he questioned what the website was and she replied "it's private".....

I am frequently in contact with kids in and out of school and one thing I seem to encounter a lot, is kids have NO RESPECT for adults anymore. I don't want my kids to lose that respect and it starts at home.

Maybe I shouldn't have said anything to her about the E-mail. I do truly feel bad about her crying for an hour......oh the drama!! But, this being only her second E-mail on this new system, I hate to see where the E-mails may have escalated from here!! LOL!! But maybe now that she knows I may be reviewing them from time to time, she will think about what she actually puts down in words for the whole world to read. Got to keep them guessing!! Thanks for all of your replies.

 

[MoniqueU]

I wouldn't want to be spied on for writing a simple email. Once you checked out the site I would of left it at that. As long as she knew the rules about not posting threats, personal info and going to adult sites and understood them. I can't stand people standing over me and monitoring what I am saying and I bet it is worse for a child. I personally would apologize, drop the punisment and give my kid some space, privacy and respect. I believe respect is a two way street.
'

 

[JennaTX]

Did you overreact? Sure, probably. Would I have done the same, you bet. Sometimes Moms overreact, it happens to everyone!

My DD is almost the same age, and I worry more and more about the internet now that she is venturing into email and just more general internet use.

I don't think standing over your child watching them for the first time they are sending an email is spying on them, IMO.

And you are right, now she knows you are watching and may check in on her internet use.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

To me it seems like the problem was not what was said but how it was said. You specifically told her not to email when you weren't around and she disobeyed. You have every right to discipline her. I do hope that you talk to her about why you disciplined her though. Explain about the internet and why you are concerned about her safety.

I would also talk to the teacher. Let her know that in the future when they do stuff like this you would like to informed. Even though the teacher will be reading the e-mails, the parent still needs to know that their child has an email account.

 

[Avalon_toon]

You know your daughter best, and as she is just as familiar with you and the kinds of things you would find acceptable or not, as you are with her - so I don't think you overreacted - rules and expectations for behavior are different for each family, but she's part of YOUR family, so she has to bide by your rules.

For me, the big part of your post is that the teacher set up this email system for the kids without sending a note home first - there is NO WAY a teacher can assume that all 9 year olds have permission to access the internet, she should have asked for and received parental consent before setting it up. And - she chose a site/system that has pop-up ads - that is completely wrong - 9 year olds are not always careful what they click on, if the teacher was going to establish this system, she should have paid to make it ad-free. Does she even have permission from the school board to do this? I think I'd contact the school (teacher, or principal) to express these concerns.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would say you handled it poorly and your dd called you on it.

That is Ok, I overreact many times. Then we sit and discuss, apologize and move on....

Except these days I am negotiating 17yodd's boyfriend and times to come home.