Token of remembrance for miscarriage...appropriate or not

[DebbieB]

That's really thoughtful of you. I have a good friend who found out last summer that her unborn baby had Downs Syndrome and a heart defect. They planned to operate within the first few months after birth. The baby unexpectedly died at about 30 weeks of pregnancy. They had already named her, had a service and a burial. She's pregnant again, about 16 weeks now and has a doctor appt tomorrow to go over the routine tests that she had recently. It was this appt that they first had indications of problems last time, the test that showed a probability of Downs. I talked to her today, she is nervous and emotional, which is totally understandable. I just try to be there to listen.

 

[goofy!]

I think you will know what to do from the clues your friend gives you.

I had more miscarriages (of wanted pregnancies) than I can count, but for me it honestly wasn't that big a deal. I never felt like grieving and I never felt like I'd lost a baby. I'd lost the dream of having a baby, if that makes any sense. I was a little sad, but shed no tears. If somebody had given me something like you described, I honestly would have found it very odd and uncomfortable.

However, I know that the majority of women who've had miscarriages don't feel this way. Take your clues from how your friend is acting.

Exactly. Guess I am in the minority too. Numerous miscarriages (between 2nd and 3rd child) but I never felt like I lost babies. I also would have been uncomfortable with a momento.

OP - since you are close to your friend, if she is grieving then it is a wonderful gesture by a friend. If she is not, then it would be an odd gift.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

I think that emotionally, everyone deals with things differently. I don't think it's fair to judge, compare, or try and understand. I also don't think she is wrong for her feelings, and neither are you! But everyone deals with loss differently. Some people simply don't let themselves feel what others feel, and it is what it is.

I am so terribly sorry for all of the loss everyone has experienced. There sure are a lot of angels looking out for everyone!

I honestly wasn't judging...I was sincerely just asking for understanding...

But like you said...everyone deals with loss differently, whether an unborn child, a living child or a parent... I just try to see other points of views...

 

[goofy!]

Please do not take this as disrespectful, I'm just trying to understand. How did you not feel you had lost a baby? (Emotionally speaking)... Do you have children now? Or did you at the time? I'm thinking maybe not having been thru the whole process of having a child maybe made you not so hurt by it? I really don't know...
I know when I had my miscarriage, I was sooo not wanting a baby. I had a daughter who was 3, was having hard financial times. I cried when I found out I was pregnant, but then became used to the idea. When I miscarried (actually lost heartbeat and had to have a DNC) I was absolutely devastated. Cried uncontrollably and felt a part of me was gone. It took me Id say about 6 months to stop crying daily...
Maybe I'm on the other end of the spectrum, I don't know.. I'm just curious how someone could view the miscarriage of their baby as not a 'big deal'...

For me, it was the rational biologist coming through. It was very easy to rationalize that these were never babies, just embryos that were incompatible with life and my body did what nature does in these instances. It was not a loss, so there was nothing to grieve.

It had nothing to do with not allowing myself not to feel. To this day, I never consider my miscarriages as lost babies.

I totally understand Pigeon's explanation of losing the dream, but not an actual baby.

Everybody approaches things differently and none are wrong.

 

[AKL_Megs]

I honestly wasn't judging...I was sincerely just asking for understanding...

But like you said...everyone deals with loss differently, whether an unborn child, a living child or a parent... I just try to see other points of views...

I totally understand where you are coming from, and I feel so terrible for YOUR loss and the pain YOU feel, but at the same time, I can relate to someone NOT feeling a loss.

 

[robinb]

I'm sure all opinions will differ, but I think it is a great idea. I just had a miscarriage in May and I would have been so touched had someone done something like that for me. Very thoughtful!

We're all different. If someone gave me a ROCK for remembrance ... I wouldn't know what to do with it .... but the reaction would not be the same as yours. For me, my m/c was the loss of a dream of having a child ... not of a child itself. So there was really nothing to "remember".

OP, only you know how your friend will react.

 

[Pigeon]

For me, it was the rational biologist coming through. It was very easy to rationalize that these were never babies, just embryos that were incompatible with life and my body did what nature does in these instances. It was not a loss, so there was nothing to grieve.

It had nothing to do with not allowing myself not to feel. To this day, I never consider my miscarriages as lost babies.

I totally understand Pigeon's explanation of losing the dream, but not an actual baby.

Yes, that's exactly how I saw it, too.

And to raysnkaysmom, yes, we were trying to get pregnant and very much wanted children. I never felt like the loss of the embryo was the equivalent of the loss of a child. And yes, I do have children now, but that has nothing to do with it. If I miscarried again tomorrow, I'm sure that I would feel exactly the same.

 

[dec5girl]

When my close friend had a miscarriage I gave her a card and a houseplant. She seemed to appreciate that.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Please do not take this as disrespectful, I'm just trying to understand. How did you not feel you had lost a baby? (Emotionally speaking)... Do you have children now? Or did you at the time? I'm thinking maybe not having been thru the whole process of having a child maybe made you not so hurt by it? I really don't know...
I know when I had my miscarriage, I was sooo not wanting a baby. I had a daughter who was 3, was having hard financial times. I cried when I found out I was pregnant, but then became used to the idea. When I miscarried (actually lost heartbeat and had to have a DNC) I was absolutely devastated. Cried uncontrollably and felt a part of me was gone. It took me Id say about 6 months to stop crying daily...
Maybe I'm on the other end of the spectrum, I don't know.. I'm just curious how someone could view the miscarriage of their baby as not a 'big deal'...

I'm not the person you directed this question to, but I've had two miscarriages and lost a twin. The my miscarriages happened at 8 and 9 weeks. At that point (especially with the one that was a blighted ovum) I just felt like it hadn't developed to anything even remotely like a baby yet, so I didn't really mourn the loss of a baby, but I was sad that it was not going to develop. When I lost the twin, it was at 12 weeks and I was scared about losing the other one, too (who is now a healthy 6 year old), so that time was a bit different. Still, I didn't grieve as I would have if I lost a fully developed baby.

 

[Liberty Belle]

One thing I wanted to add...

When I had my first miscarriage, my friend left a basket for me on my porch. It had a nice candle, some bath stuff, and some lotion. I appreciated that so much.

No matter how much or little you grieve after having a miscarriage, it does take a toll on your body, and the stuff she gave that helped me to relax really made me feel better.

So, if you're not sure how your friend is feeling, you could go that route.

 

[MissyDVC]

First of all, I think that you are wonderful for thinking of your friend. I suffered 2 miscarriages and would have loved a "remembrance gift". I remember it being a lonely time for me and would have loved a special thought. I did purchase for myself a silver pendant and chain and the pendant was a heart with 2 angels on it. I wore it for a long time.