Token of remembrance for miscarriage...appropriate or not

[britfish]

My best friend since childhood has recently had a miscarriage. We don't live in the same state but keep in touch weekly and are still very close. I wanted to give her a symbol of the baby she lost but also I don't want to seem like I am gift giving.
I was thinking of sending her a worry stone in the stone of the lost babies birth month.
Is this appropriate?

 

[ilovefh]

I'm sure all opinions will differ, but I think it is a great idea. I just had a miscarriage in May and I would have been so touched had someone done something like that for me. Very thoughtful!

 

[AKL_Megs]

I think a token like that is a wonderful idea.

I am not so sure about a "worry" stone, however... perhaps something like an angel or something, so she will know there is always a special angel looking out for her? "Worry" to me is associated with a negative connotation... perhaps something more... "positive"?

 

[britfish]

thanks for your quick responses. I see what you mean about a "worry" stone. Maybe I can find the stone on a key chain/pendant type thing. I like the angel suggestion.
I really feel the need to acknowledge the baby other than just words of sympathy so I am glad you guys thought it was a good idea.

 

[minkydog]

I think what you're doing is really wonderful. when I had a miscarriage all I wanted was for someone to acknowlege that my baby was real and important to me. Even my husband had difficulty understanding the depth of my grief. But he came around. He still didn't understand, but he bought me a pair of earrings in the baby's birthstone(December.) I don't wear them as much anymore, as it's been 18 years, but I remember how touched I was by his small gift.

 

[belle&sebastiansmom]

I was just curious as to what would be appropriate in a terrible situation like this, so I googled miscarriage gifts of remembrance and came up with a lot of websites that cater to what you are looking for, from pendents to candles. You're a good friend.

 

[java]

What helped me through one of my miscarriages was a friend that sent some flowers right away. Then on my "due date" she sent me a card to let me know she was still thinking of me and the baby I lost. I was already pregnant again at that time but that day was still very hard for me and she knew that and helped more than she'll ever know.

What about a garden angel? Words though can heal in ways that are immeasurable. My nephew then 4 at the time came up to me and said "Aunt J you didn't lose your baby. I know where it is. It's in your heart." that started my healing.

 

[ahutton]

At work recently we bought a star certificate for someone, that might be a nice, and permanent reminder of the special angel watching over her.

Also - please don't forget the DH. When we lost ours lots of people gave me tokens, asked about me and how I was holding up, but not many people asked him outside of our immediate family. DH took it hard too, we lost our child, not just me.

 

[ORMom2Four]

That is very, very kind of you, and very appropriate too. Too often pregnancy losses are not talked about, yet so many women go through them. It is time that this generation changes that.

Flowers or a garden angel would be very nice gifts. I love the idea of the stone too. Even a card to say that you are thinking about her would be wonderful.

to you and your friend!

 

[Desnik]

OP, I think it is such a wonderful thing that you are doing for your friend. The one thing that bothered me so much after my miscarriages was that no one wanted to acknowledge the babies I lost. The last miscarriage I had we were able to find out that the baby was a boy and we named him. I can't tell you how many strange looks I got from family members who just couldn't understand why we would do that.

I don't know what you can give her but I'm sure the thought and intention behind it will really comfort her and touch her heart.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

I once gave a gold heart on a thin gold chain. It was a bit different as the child had been born and did live for three days... I had the date of birth and the child's name engraved on the heart.

Perhaps, if she named the child you could put initials on the heart?

I've also seen those little angels available at Hallmark, that are so popular-given at times like this. The ones with the wings that look like they are made out of bent twigs...

Marking that there has been a loss is the important thing.

 

[java]

OThe last miscarriage I had we were able to find out that the baby was a boy and we named him. I can't tell you how many strange looks I got from family members who just couldn't understand why we would do that.

.

I understand. One of my miscarriages was later term and I named her too.

 

[StarLight StarBright]

Just wanted to say how thoughtful of you ! I lost a baby at one day, and people thought I didn't want to talk about him, so no one did. I thought, no one even thinks about my baby any more! I'm sure she will appreciate you are remembering her baby. I saw someone mentioned the name a star. We did that and chose a memorial star. When the certificate came, his star was located within Ursa Minor. The certificate said something like...Ursa Minor, the little bear, follows his mother around the heavens. I almost cried my eyeballs out, but in a good way, I thought it was so precious, and so appropriate.

 

[amberg@eastlink.ca]

that is so thoguhtful of you. we just underwent what we thougth was a routine m/c and it turned out to be a molar pregnancy. my bf didn't even react to mine at all. i was devastated and still am at times. here are two memorial jewlery webpages i stumbled across:

http://www.cccgifts.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWCATS&Category=518

http://www.labelledame.com/

i prefer the second one as it has a lot of pieces i like and theres two that you can get the stones for each month, one for the conception, one for due and one for the month of the loss.

im sure your friend will appreciate all that you do for her, and in this time all you can really do is be there for her. trust me she will thank you for it.

and to a few of the pp's i named our baby as well.

 

[nuke]

I miscarried years ago and I co-worker gave me earrings that were little baby feet. She told me that she was sure I would have a baby someday and I could wear them to remember the one that didn't make it. I never did wear them but I have them in my jewelry box.

 

[mum4jenn]

Go to www.ourhopeplace.com

It is a website your friend might find helpful and there are some items on there you might like to buy. One is a pearl bracelet with a piece of jade that is called the hope bracelet.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

What helped me through one of my miscarriages was a friend that sent some flowers right away. Then on my "due date" she sent me a card to let me know she was still thinking of me and the baby I lost. I was already pregnant again at that time but that day was still very hard for me and she knew that and helped more than she'll ever know.

What about a garden angel? Words though can heal in ways that are immeasurable. My nephew then 4 at the time came up to me and said "Aunt J you didn't lose your baby. I know where it is. It's in your heart." that started my healing.

The baby I miscarried was due Dec 19...and I found out on Dec 16th that I was pregnant with my DDwho is now 8... but, I think it's extremely thoughtful of a friend to acknowledge my loss....
And, OMG about your nephews words... how sweet

I understand. One of my miscarriages was later term and I named her too.

My miscarriage was only at 3 months, and I didn't name the baby, but I did feel in my heart that it was a boy... and I still, now that I have a boy, on occassion think about the one that I lost..and that was back in May of 99.


To OP.... if a 'worry' stone is what you like to give..go for it. I do like the angel idea better, but any token you give will be appreciated I"m sure...

 

[Pigeon]

I think you will know what to do from the clues your friend gives you.

I had more miscarriages (of wanted pregnancies) than I can count, but for me it honestly wasn't that big a deal. I never felt like grieving and I never felt like I'd lost a baby. I'd lost the dream of having a baby, if that makes any sense. I was a little sad, but shed no tears. If somebody had given me something like you described, I honestly would have found it very odd and uncomfortable.

However, I know that the majority of women who've had miscarriages don't feel this way. Take your clues from how your friend is acting.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

I think you will know what to do from the clues your friend gives you.

I had more miscarriages (of wanted pregnancies) than I can count, but for me it honestly wasn't that big a deal. I never felt like grieving and I never felt like I'd lost a baby. I'd lost the dream of having a baby, if that makes any sense. I was a little sad, but shed no tears. If somebody had given me something like you described, I honestly would have found it very odd and uncomfortable.

However, I know that the majority of women who've had miscarriages don't feel this way. Take your clues from how your friend is acting.

Please do not take this as disrespectful, I'm just trying to understand. How did you not feel you had lost a baby? (Emotionally speaking)... Do you have children now? Or did you at the time? I'm thinking maybe not having been thru the whole process of having a child maybe made you not so hurt by it? I really don't know...
I know when I had my miscarriage, I was sooo not wanting a baby. I had a daughter who was 3, was having hard financial times. I cried when I found out I was pregnant, but then became used to the idea. When I miscarried (actually lost heartbeat and had to have a DNC) I was absolutely devastated. Cried uncontrollably and felt a part of me was gone. It took me Id say about 6 months to stop crying daily...
Maybe I'm on the other end of the spectrum, I don't know.. I'm just curious how someone could view the miscarriage of their baby as not a 'big deal'...

 

[AKL_Megs]

Please do not take this as disrespectful, I'm just trying to understand. How did you not feel you had lost a baby? (Emotionally speaking)... Do you have children now? Or did you at the time? I'm thinking maybe not having been thru the whole process of having a child maybe made you not so hurt by it? I really don't know...
I know when I had my miscarriage, I was sooo not wanting a baby. I had a daughter who was 3, was having hard financial times. I cried when I found out I was pregnant, but then became used to the idea. When I miscarried (actually lost heartbeat and had to have a DNC) I was absolutely devastated. Cried uncontrollably and felt a part of me was gone. It took me Id say about 6 months to stop crying daily...
Maybe I'm on the other end of the spectrum, I don't know.. I'm just curious how someone could view the miscarriage of their baby as not a 'big deal'...

I think that emotionally, everyone deals with things differently. I don't think it's fair to judge, compare, or try and understand. I also don't think she is wrong for her feelings, and neither are you! But everyone deals with loss differently. Some people simply don't let themselves feel what others feel, and it is what it is.

I am so terribly sorry for all of the loss everyone has experienced. There sure are a lot of angels looking out for everyone!