Toddler Biters...Advice Needed

[becka]

Up until the last few weeks DS has only bitten a handful of times and each of those times it seemed to be fairly innocent. He bit me ONCE and I took care of that early on and he has bitten DH a handful of times when they were roughhousing. I think DS just got a little carried away with DH each time and didn't really think about what he was doing. The handful of other times occurred at his daycare. Once he bit a kid's finger after the other kid put his finger in my DS's mouth and another incident occurred when DS's was going through a phase when he thought he was a tiger.

In the last few weeks DS has started to bite some of the other kids in his class and he has done it out of anger because another kid had something he wanted and wouldn't hand it over. I know that him biting is not a direct reflection on myself but I am still horrified. He did it twice yesterday. We have explained to him over and over again that biting is not acceptable. Each time we have taken away his privlege to watch videos and tv for a few days. Last night I again really tried to impress on him how unacceptable this is. He has lost all videos/tv through Saturday, his LeapPad and he has to go to bed an hour early the rest of the week.

The only punishment the daycare can give is a time-out and it apparently is not making enough of a difference. If I was there when this happened I believe that I might have more of an effect because they can't even really raise their voices with him. Granted I don't want them to be able to smack him around but the ability to raise their voice and make him sit out of recess would not be such a terrible thing in this case. He is not biting here at home so I don't know what to do. The daycare can't really do much more when the incident occurs and obviously we are not making enough of an impression on him here at home to prevent it at daycare. I really don't know what else to do to "punish" him and teach him that this is NOT ok behavior.

Any ideas?

 

[zakatak]

We went through this with my middle child around 2 years old or so. She just went off and BIT out of frustration, anger, whatever. We tried everything, timeouts, explaining, etc... I was at my wit's end when an "older" generation woman told me how to cure her. Yep, bite her back. Not hard enough to break skin, but hard enough to leave a mark.

So, the next time she bit my son (age 4) I told her no biting, it hurts, see? and leaned over and bit her arm. She screamed! Cried, looked at it and NEVER BIT AGAIN. End of story.

Was it right? Who knows... did she stop, yes. Does she remember it? NO. Will she see a therapist over it when she's older? Maybe, maybe not. All I know is that I tried all the PC ways, got tired of her using my son as a teether as well as my ankles when I wouldn't move them for her, and tried a new technique. It worked. Go figure.

 

[chadfromdallas]

You know, once they start biting, there is only one option.....

I'd go ahead and put him down so no one else gets hurt

 

[becka]

My DH suggested biting him back and while that may work if we were around when he is doing the biting the problem is that he is ONLY biting at daycare and they can't do that. I think maybe he knows he won't get away with it here at home but at daycare the only punishment is a time out which is no big deal for him.

Chad! This whole situation is really stressing me out and it helps to laugh a little!

 

[Pooh Girl 71]

See my tag.

 

[crz4mm2]

DD used to be a biter too. When she started Daycare (age 2) she bit an attorney's kid wow. THe day care providers said it was just a phase, all kids do it, don't worry about it etc. Well, she kept it up. Not as severe as the initial bite, but kept it up. I finally bit her. That was all it took. How old is your DS?
If you think he is old enough to understand, then explain to him if it happens again, you will bite him back and then do it. If he is old enough to understand, it won't matter if you do it as soon as he does it to another kid.

I know it might not be the best solution, but it was the thing that worked for DD.
Good luck.
Cathy

 

[CEDmom]

It could be a phase because of the new baby. Most of my friends had discipline problems with older children when a new baby came into the family. Even if the older sibling seems to love the new baby.

I don't know if I'd go as far as biting him but along those lines have you asked him how he'd feel if someone bit him? We turn the table on DD a lot and it usually works to help her understand that what she is doing is wrong. She's a very sensitive child though so getting her to understand someone might not like her because of what she's doing really affects her.

Also, it's hard for a young child to understand consequences unless punishment is given immediately.

Good luck, this too shall pass.

 

[swilphil]

A very experienced day care provider once told me that biting is learned behavior; that kids will only do it once they learn it from someone else. I wouldn't recommend biting back. My youngest son tends to bite when he is hungry or teething. It sounds like your son might be a little older, so I would recommend giving him sugar free gum for his oral fixation. Unless he is 5 or older, I don't think taking away items for 2-3 days will sink in with him. You can take those items away for a couple of hours, but he won't remember what the punishment is for if it's for any longer.

 

[AmyTags]

My dd also went through a biting phase between 18 months - 2 years. Yes, it lasted 6 months on and off. Happend only at daycare. It was horrible. I had a really hard time dealing with it, especially when the kids she bit could go home and tell their parents who bit them. I was so embarrassed. Just remember that it is a phase that many kids at this age go through. I know it's not easy but it does get better. My daycare was great with suggestions and of course the one thing they did tell me is not to bite her. I really struggled over this because I felt this would be the only way to get her to stop. We decided against it. Daycare gave us 2 suggestions. 1. Put together 2 books, 1 with things you can bite (like food) the other book with things you should not bite (arms, fingers etc) she had to bring this book to school everyday and her teacher would make a big deal over it (like it was her special book she could share with friends). We basically made up a story with each book and it worked for about a month then she started again. 2. I had to a box and cut a mouth out of the lid of the box (basically we made a face out of the lid) then we cut pictures out of a books, magazines of things you can put your teeth on and things you should not put teeth on and made it a game. We would ask her to put the things you could bite in the mouth of the box and so on. 3 days after starting this game she stopped and has never biten anyone again. She still loves to read those books and tell us what we can bite and what we shouldn't bite. Did the books and game do the trick? I guess I will really never know that, maybe she just outgrew the phase but at least it is over with. Again, I know exaclty how you are feeling and so many times people would tell me it will get better and I didn't believe them but it really does get better.

Amy

 

[CamColt]

I posted the same problem here a few years back. I think the consensus was to get him a muzzle.
With our DS we found it was out fo frustration due to his speech delay. When he got upset and couldnt get the words out he just did what he could. Ive heard a few pediatricians say the best thing is to just look them squarely in the eye and sternly say "NO biting!". They will eventually get it. It worked for us.
Good luck!

 

[mickeyboat]

I really feel for you. My DD was a biter too, and I felt awful whenever she did it. It was always when she was fighting with someone for a something. I searched and searched for the right answer. Nothing I tried seemed to work. And she did it almost exclusively at day care.

What was recommened to me was to keep a close eye on her, and stop her in the act. If she couldn't be stopped in the act, a time out is appropriate, but also make sure she is being told sternly that biting hurts.

Things seemed to get better when she developed some new words to express her feelings. It seemed she would get enraged and upset and couldn't think of any way to express this other than biting.

She is 4 now and doesn't bite anymore, but sometimes when she gets really upset, I see her clench her teeth or grip something very tightly. I think it is the same reaction.

There was one boy at day care that she would bite pretty frequently. One day they were fighting over a Game Boy. He hit her in the face with the Game Boy and gave her the most horrible shiner I have ever seen. We called it pay back.

This too shall pass.

Denae

 

[soccerchick]

I agree with the post that he is probably too young to see the consequence of his actions w/the privileges taken away.

Zakatak - I'm with you. I remember this topic from a while back. When my DD startedthe biting thing, we tried to reason with her (yeah, a 2 yo).That didn't work,and I finally resorted to the light bite. It worked. She never bit again. Best parenting solution, obviously not, but it was a quick and permanent fix.

Ideally, I think kids could be taught a different non-verbal expression for their anger and frustration.

Good luck.

 

[caitycaity]

So, the next time she bit my son (age 4) I told her no biting, it hurts, see? and leaned over and bit her arm. She screamed! Cried, looked at it and NEVER BIT AGAIN. End of story.

omg - my mom did the same thing with my sister! worked too!

 

[KristiKelly]

DS bit me once, I bit him back and he never did it again.

There was a little boy at DS playschool that was a biter. His dad came to pick him up one day and the teacher told him about the biting. The Dad took him into a room where no one was, asked him about the biting to make sure he remembered. Asked him why and then bit him to show him how it felt. He told him that everytime he heard about him biting someone he would get a bite. The little boy stopped biting.

 

[ducklite]

My son started to bite when he was around two. He bit me, and I bit back, and he never bit again. I think sometimes kids just don't realize how much it hurts until they learn the hard way.

That said, I think most kids bite as a last resort out of frustration. I'd suggest working with the daycare to look for a pattern in the biting. Certain time of day/activity/stess point? Once you've established the cause, finding a solution should be easy. Good luck!

Anne

 

[HeatherH]

PLEASE don't bite him back; I know some parents think that is the answer but it just reinforces his behavior.

Here's a great article from toddlerstoday.com - hope it helps.

Link: http://toddlerstoday.com/resources/articles/biting.htm

Curbing Toddler Biting
By Judy Molland

One day last year, Jeffrey Marsh, a family therapist, was working in his Los Angeles office with his dads' group. Their children, two and three years old, were playing quietly in the same room, when a loud scream pierced the air. Two-year-old Brittany, frustrated that Evan was playing with the truck she wanted, had decided to bite the little boy.

"She bit him hard and he was crying. The dad was clearly humiliated. He yelled, 'That's bad!' at his daughter, and picked her up, getting ready to leave. But all the other dads chimed in with, 'No, don't go! This is why we're here. Let's talk about it.' It was a great group," says Marsh.

Why Do Toddlers Bite?

While Brittany's dad was clearly shocked by his daughter's behavior, biting is not as uncommon as one might think. The majority of toddlers engage in some biting between their first and third birthdays.

"Young children bite for a number of reasons," explains Heidi Murkoff, co-author of What to Expect -- The Toddler Years (Workman, 1996). "Probably the most common reason is that it is one of the few ways of communicating that's effective for them, before verbal skills are developed." She adds that not all kids bite, and that some choose other forms of communication, such as grabbing, shoving, or punching.

Another reason toddlers bite is to express frustration, a feeling which is very common with toddlers, because both their communication skills and their motor skills are so limited. According to Murkoff, some very young kids bite just because of the response it produces.

"While words may fail to get a reaction, biting never fails to get a reaction. And with a young toddler, negative attention is better than no attention at all," she says.

"They are also entertained by these reactions -- it's funny, or intriguing, to see mom jump up, or for a playmate to start crying." Toddlers may also bite because they're teething or because they put everything in their mouths anyway, so why not someone's arm? Or it could even be that they are hungry.

Responding to Biting

While parents may understand that biting is a phase many toddlers go through, it can still be upsetting when it happens to their child. Christina Elston, from Altadena, Calif., remembers vividly when her daughter was the victim of a biter.

"It was at her preschool, and they had this one particular child who was a biter. It wouldn't even happen necessarily in the middle of any confrontation. Sometimes, during naptime, he would sneak out of his cot, and go over and bite other children," states Elston. "He bit Lauren one time and she ended up with a horrible bruise on her arm. I, of course, was furious and quite upset with the teachers, that they hadn't managed to prevent it."

Elston went straight to preschool administrators and was reassured when they explained that if the child were to bite again, he would be expelled. And in this case, with no skin broken, there was no question of any major health risk. "But biting is different from when another child pushes or hits your child," Elston adds. "It seems like so much more of a premeditated act."

Controlling Biting

If you do have to deal with your toddler biting, what is the best way to proceed? "The one thing you should never do, although it's a common mistake that parents make, is to bite back, so that the child knows what it feels like," says Murkoff. "All that does is reinforce the habit."

Instead, she suggests that if your child bites another child, you should first give the attention to the child who has been bitten. This will make it clear that biting is not a good way to get attention. In Murkoff's daughter's case, "the other child got the attention, which sort of caused the whole thing to backfire," explains Murkoff. "Since a very young toddler really doesn't understand that other people have feelings, it's the parent's job to explain that."

Tracey Porter, from Los Angeles, Calif., describes her experience dealing with her son Sam's tendency to bite as "horrifying." When Sam was two, he went through a biting episode for about three months. During that time, he occasionally bit other children, with maybe three or four incidents altogether. "Sam never bit Sarah, his older sister, or us -- his biting only came out at daycare," Porter says.

She talked to her son a lot, telling him every day when she dropped him off that she wanted him to be a good boy, that biting hurts people, that mommy and daddy didn't like it, and that he was not allowed to bite. "And eventually he got there, and he stopped. I don't know if all the talking helped, but we really focused on it, as a daily thing," says Porter.

According to Murkoff, Porter was doing exactly the right thing with her child. "While biting may be a normal phase for kids to go through, parents need to let them know that it is unacceptable behavior," Murkoff explains, adding that parents should take time to explain that no, we don't bite, we use words to express our feelings. "If your child couldn't figure out what words to use, you might suggest some for the future."

Experts agree that parents should try not to give biting so much attention that it becomes an attention-getter. This is true of all behavior that you don't want to see repeated. For example, it is not a good idea to laugh, because the child sees that she is getting a response, and she will do it again. A negative or a positive reaction is still a reaction. "You want to say firmly, matter-of-factly, 'No biting,' or 'We don't bite,' and then move on to something else," explains Murkoff. "And if you think the child might be hungry, suggest biting on some apple slices!"

 

[huey duey & luey]

My son would bite his brother an sister, I put lewmon juice on his tongue twice, he never did it again
Tara

 

[SeaShelley]

Hi, another "biter" Mom here. We also went through the same situation at daycare and at home....we were even the subject of a special parent meeting at daycare. We also tried the biting back routine...my husband bit him back after our DS got him on the inside of his arm, about 4 inches away from his armpit. (just try giving yourself a little pinch there....it's soooo sensitive)

Anywho...my husband biting him back had no lasting effect, BUT another child biting him back at daycare did.

I wish I had a magical solution for you, but here's a ! Best of luck.

 

[skuttle]

My poor DS came home with two bites this week...one Monday on his upper arm and one Tuesday on his wrist. I know there's not much his teachers can do...kids are fast and they are young (under 2) so it's hard to reason with them...but it's still frustrating! Then, when I picked him up Wednesday, they told me that he bit his "girlfriend" on the cheek! He has never tried to bite us, so I assume he picked that up at daycare. *sigh* I just hope all the kids get out of this phase soon!

 

[Disney Doll]

LOL chadfromdallas!!!!!!!!!!