To Christians,

[EltonJohn]

My name is Diane, and I need some advice.

Since New Year's Day I have been praying almost daily for God to bring "the One" into my life. I'm in my mid-twenties and have never even had a boyfriend, and no guy has ever been interested in me. I am single and very much want to be married some day.

This weekend I met a woman who knows a guy that, on paper, I would be good for. We are both Christians, are shy, are intellectual (he turned down a Harvard scholarship ), and we would probably get along very well.

We do have some differences. He is Baptist, and I lean strongly towards high church Anglicanism. I also don't know if he wants to have children or not. I am trying not to get excited over this guy because he may not be <I>him</I>, and I want to protect myself emotinally as well. So far, I believe that I'm doing a pretty good job, but it is sometimes difficult not to.

Some interesting things keep on popping up in my head.

1. If anyone brings up a man, I usually ask if he is single. My mom told me about this guy, but I did not ask my question because I thought it was pointless to do so.

2. Though I am a Baylor Bear, I'm also die-hard UT supporter, yet he is a Sooner! To put it mildly I <i>loathe</i> Sooners. I don't even like to be IN Oklahoma, let alone the prospect of dating a OU Sooner. At least I was told he really does not care too much about sports (yet another difference).

3. Elisabeth Elliot writes that God can bring a mate from a small pool of candidates, and don't doubt that He can't do that. Well, in my case, the pool of candidates is <I>extremely</i> small, and I'm also one to laugh off Elliot's words. (This is where I will most likely get tripped up into thinking that he might be <I>him</I>.)

4. One of my "traits" that I desire my husband to have is no previous girlfriends. Well, you guessed it, this guy has never had a gf either.

5. I also would prefer that my husband be older than me, and this guy is five years younger than me.

6. I want to marry into a large family, yet he is an only child (like both my father and grandfather).

I realize that this guy may or may not be <I>him</i>. For now, I'll take the position, that he is not. He could turn out to be a real aweseom friend I have not even met him yet, and if we do meet then it will probably be in March. Assuming that he is not my future husband what do you think that God is telling me?

Please pray for wisdom for me and I'm also still seeking a church home. Any advice that you can offer will be greatly appreciated.

diane

 

[Jeff in BigD]

Ok, I'll try to answer these in my opinion of faith/dating & the like.

1. There's nothing wrong with keeping an eye out for a potential mate, that's the way we were made, but people should also feel comfortable with themselves & not incomplete if not part of a couple.

My mom's always on the lookout for me. My friends are frustrated with me because they feel that I'm too picky & perhaps I am, not so much looks-wise, but more intelligence & personality-wise.


2. Haha, I know if I were to meet a Redwings or Celtics fan, she'd have to be "the One"...even still I'd get a a second opinion.
Seriously though if he's not that into sports it it probably won't be an issue. If you catch him humming "Boomer Sooners", you might need to reconsider his opinion of sports.

As far as not liking sports, that's a tough one. As into sports as I am personally, I have to find a girl that likes sports, not just tolerates them. If he doesn't mind sports you could probably get over that, but if he doesn't like sports, you'll probably not be happy.


3. If by "pool" you mean location, you might want to consider surrounding areas. If by "pool" you mean all the traits you demand in a mate, perhaps you might want to reconsider what are essentials, what's preferred & what's not a big deal.

I'm not saying that you have to compromise your core beliefs by seeing a non-Christian, but I wouldn't ditch a guy if "Yellow-Brick Road" isn't a favorite song of his or he dislikes one of your favorite shows.


4. No GFs? That's a pretty tall order since most people in their 20s have had at least a couple GFs. It's one thing to look for someone that hasn't had premarital sex, but not being in any romantic relationships means your choices are going to be extremely slim.


5. Ok, women typically live 3-5 years longer than men...do the math.

As long as he's on the same maturity level it shouldn't be an issue.


6. I guess you need to decide if that's a make or break situation.



I would go into the situation completely neutral. If it seems right it probably is. If it seems off then, chances are it's not the right match.

 

[ennazus]

I think you have a lot of pre-conceived notions as to who your husband should be. You need to let go a little and let God do the choosing. You are not in control of this. I thought my future husband would have dark hair... silly me! God had planned for a blond haired love to enter my life.

 

[JasonLyons]

ill pray for wisdom, have fun

 

[becka]

I have to agree with ennazus.

I don't see anything wrong with praying for a companion/ husband but I think that when we start ordering a mate like you order dinner from a menu you are bound to be disappointed. It sounds like (remember this is my opinion and I am certainly no authority) you need to give up some of this to Him and let him sort out the details for you.

You seem to have a lot of "must haves" for a relationship and while you may think you have very valid reasons for thinking this is what you want you may be wrong in the end. I think it is best to open yourself up to new relationships and experiences. My DH and I are alike in some ways but very different in other ways and truthfully if I had made a "list" of qualifications in what I wanted for a husband before I met DH I would never have given him the time of day. However, He knew what He was doing when He put the two of us together.

 

[believe]

DH and I couldn't be more opposite, that is what makes the world go round. We off-set each other. Some of our differences... DH: Catholic, small family, good income family, no college, partied, doesn't exercise, doesn't care to read, forget any healthy food, country life. Me: Southern Baptist, large family, low income, bachelor's degree, no parties thank you, exercise is a must for me, love to read, tries to eat healthy, city life.

Our similarities: love nature, both willing to try each other's interest, love children, Christian, neither dated.

What I am saying is, let God be your guide. He has his reasons, even if you don't understand them. If I went by your list I would never have married him, what an awful mistake I would have made.

 

[Kermit]

I agree with others that you might be limiting God on your own by having such specific character traits in mind. I know that I've prayed and prayed for things a number of times and then was surprised when I realized that God had already answered my prayers but I was so focused on one solution that I didn't see the one that He provided. Remember that God is much more creative than we are. What you think is important now may not end up being that big of a deal.

This guy may be the one. Just try to relax and see what happens. I'll pray that God will give you the wisdom to know.

 

[Saffron]

I agree with what the others are saying. If you're praying for God to intervene and help you, let Him. Major differences, like someone being a racist or something like that, can break a relationship. The things you mentioned are small. I think it's wonderful that believe said:

... both willing to try each other's interest ...

That's what makes a relationship ... trying new things with each other, giving to the person you love, being there for the person you love, willingness to work together etc. All the other "stuff" is fun! This guy may or may not be "the one", but I would suggest you get rid of your list and be open to what you prayed for. Your list may in fact be something that has been holding you back from meeting "the one".

 

[Lanshark]

Diane,

I too think you have a lot of preconceived notions of who your husband should be. By having so many prerequisites the man God intended for you may walk into you life without you even knowing.

Have you heard the old joke about an old woman and the flood. People knew the flood was coming and someone drove to her home and tried to rescue her. She said, "No, God will rescue me". The flood came and she crawled to her roof. Someone came along in a boat at tried to rescue her. She said, "No, God will rescue me". Next, someone came along in a helicopter and tried to rescue her. She said, "No, God will rescue me". Well the waters continues to rise and she drowned. When she got to heaven she asked God, "Why did you not rescue me? I had faith in you". God's reply was, " I sent you a car, a boat and a helicopter".

I agree with those who said let God be in control but keep in mind he may not send exactly what you are expecting. Be open. We all a tendency to give the control to God (who has it anyway) and then try to snatch it back because we don't like the way things are going.

 

[bumcat]

Just a diff. perspective:
Sounds like your prayer goes something like this:
Dear God: Please find me a boyfriend but on my very strict terms. Here's the list God.......Now remember God they have to be just like this....

Let go and let God do the search I think he can do pretty darn good without your list. He knows whats best for you, right?
My husband and I have been married for 26 yrs and we are diff. in lots of ways but we enjoy doing the same things and we have the same goals. I think it is more important to date and see if your goals are the same than to focus on small differences.
I have a question: you want someone that has never had a bf. Okay, what if you date this guy but he's not the one. Is he then considered no good to others because he had you as a gf for a while? I mean if you date guys and then it doesn't work out where will that leave you since you wont be someones first gf?
What if later you meet a great guy and he wants to marry you but finds out you had bf's before him and decides he cant marry you because you had other bf's. Sorry but I think that would be very shallow thinking on his part.

 

[caitycaity]

though i am not a christian, i agree with some of the thoughts expressed here. before i met dh, i had a lot of preconcieved notions as to what i wanted my future dh to be like.

believe me when i say dh and i could not me more different and he is certainly nothing like i had envisioned, but it works, and we love each other.

one of the major differences which i always thought would be a deal breaker is that he is a republican and i am pretty liberal (though both of us have had a moderating influence on the other ).

my advice would be don't automatically rule people out just b/c they don't fit into your ideals. you never know where love will come from.

 

[browneyes]

You're already planning a wedding before you meet the guy? Maybe that's why you haven't met Mr. Right yet. Stuff like that scares men away.

Heck, if I was unattached and a man had an agenda to make me his dw, I'd freak out.

Just relax, Mr. Right will show up sometime.

No previous girlfriends? Why?

 

[Lars624]

Originally posted by Jeff in BigD

2. Haha, I know if I were to meet a Redwings or Celtics fan, she'd have to be "the One"...even still I'd get a a second opinion.

What's wrong with the Red Wings?!?!?!?!?!

 

[jfulcer]

Originally posted by Jeff in BigD
Ok, I'll try to answer these in my opinion of faith/dating & the like.

I agree with most of the people here that you have to just let it go and let God help you - with one important exception. Make sure the guy God chooses for you doesn't like Macs. <i> (sorry BigD)</i>

 

[cardaway]

This weekend I met a woman who knows a guy that, on paper, I would be good for.

My first tip would be to make sure that any potential BF never finds out that he looked good "on paper" unless it is a picture of him.

We do have some differences. He is Baptist, and I lean strongly towards high church Anglicanism. I also don't know if he wants to have children or not. I am trying not to get excited over this guy because he may not be him, and I want to protect myself emotinally as well. So far, I believe that I'm doing a pretty good job, but it is sometimes difficult not to.

Looks like you are concentratiing too much on differences to me.

Though I am a Baylor Bear, I'm also die-hard UT supporter, yet he is a Sooner! To put it mildly I loathe Sooners. I don't even like to be IN Oklahoma, let alone the prospect of dating a OU Sooner. At least I was told he really does not care too much about sports (yet another difference).

I would hope this is a minor detail.

Elisabeth Elliot writes that God can bring a mate from a small pool of candidates, and don't doubt that He can't do that. Well, in my case, the pool of candidates is extremely small, and I'm also one to laugh off Elliot's words. (This is where I will most likely get tripped up into thinking that he might be him.)

How do you factor in his "pool" ?

One of my "traits" that I desire my husband to have is no previous girlfriends. Well, you guessed it, this guy has never had a gf either.

I also would prefer that my husband be older than me, and this guy is five years younger than me.

Good Luck

I have not even met him yet, and if we do meet then it will probably be in March. Assuming that he is not my future husband what do you think that God is telling me?

Do you believe the only reason you would be meeting is because god set you up?

Please pray for wisdom for me and I'm also still seeking a church home. Any advice that you can offer will be greatly appreciated.

I'm sure you will get a lot of wisdom here.

 

[MerryPoppins]

I agree with the others. I think you are limiting your choices and limiting God. Let Him send people into your life. If they aren't "the one", you will have made more friends. Make your decisions about what you need in a husband when a relationship becomes more serious. After all you are just meeting this guy.

But what do I know? I'm a die-hard Sooner, so you probably won't want to listen to me.

 

[Buckalew]

Great advice here.
And one more thing... Baptists are OK.

"Buck the Baptist"

 

[goofy4tink]

Not only are Baptists okay, my Baptist dad married my Episcopalian mom!!! He had no problems. Anyway.....I will pretend you are my 26 y/o dd and tell you the same things I have told her.
Stop with the expectations. No one will ever match them all.
You have a slightly desperate tone. Men smell this a mile away.
Focus on things you like to do, being places you like to be.
Remember this above all else....God will give you what you need, not what you want. God is a much better judge than you. When the time is right, it will happen.
Relax and enjoy the ride!!!!

 

[PamOKW]

I think Lanshark's rescue story is important. By putting up some many negatives and requirements for someone you haven't even met, you aren't giving God a chance to answer your prayers.

I disagree strongly with one (well two) of your "requirements"....that he have no previous girlfriend. If you mean he hasn't had sex, then that might be acceptable but if you mean no serious relationship, I think that's asking for trouble. If you are mid-20's and want someone older, you are looking for a 30 year old who has never dated or been in a relationship? While I don't want to judge those men, there may be a lot of problems associated with such a person.

Get out there. Have fun and keep your standards and morals high but skip the minutia like team preference. Love will come.

 

[WDWHound]

A few of pieces of advice. Most of it is hard to follow, but as one who looked for his wife for a very long time, I found all of the following to be true.

The first one is the hardest. RELAX. You will meet the right guy when you are supposed to. I didn't meet my wife until I was 33, by that time I was convinced I would never be married. Now, looking back, it's clear to me that I got married at just the time I was supposed to. Beleive me, I know its hard to relax about this sort of thing, but it really is the best thing you can do. You know why so many people meet their spouse when they arent looking for them? Its because thats when they are relaxed and just being themselves.

Second, as others have said, try to limit you're preconditions to the absolute deal breakers. Let God pick out who he has in mind and you will be amazed how little most of your pre-conditions matter. I would especially consider dropping the no previous relationship one. My wife was actually engaged once before I met her. All that meant to me was that someone else was smart enough to recognize that she is an extrordinary woman.

Third, and most important, try not to look at every date as a potential marriage partner. The guy's not taking a mariage certification test, he's just trying to get to know you. This goes back to the whole relax thing. If you try to look at every man you go out with as a potential spouse, you add a lot of unneeded stress and actually hinder your search.

Ps: Methodists are pretty cool too. In my experience, most flavors of Christians mix and match well.