To all of you parents on the board

[des1954]

Whether your children were planned or the proverbial "Surprise!", you guys have nothing but my utmost respect.

Short story of my background - I could never conceive for reasons unknown, and after some years of testing & fertility drugs & some minor surgery - nada. DH did not wish to go the adoption route - so we never had kids. For about 20 years I was really bummed out about this - but events of this week with 2 co-workers at THD has finally convinced me that I'm okay with this no kids fact.

Co-worker #1: 15 year old son was arrested at school for carrying a concealed weapon.... a 22 pistol!!! Mom & Dad have never had weapons in their home. The son bought the pistol off another kid at school only because he thought he'd be a tougher guy if he had a weapon.

Co-worker #2: His 17 year old daughter, after breaking up with her boyfriend of a little over a year, announced to her mom that she is now dating another girl! The truth came out when the mom got suspicious of some inappropriate actions she noticed when the two girls were together.

Both these kids are from one marriage families whose parents are actively involved in their kids lives. Naturally, the parents think they "went wrong" somewhere. The dad of the 17 y/o girl was spilling his guts out to me last night about his daughter's "experimenting". I was simply at a loss for words.

I never in a million years would have thought that either of these two items would ever be a concern to parents. Boy, have I had my eyes opened!!!
I guess when being a "tough guy" or sexual promiscuity is getting shoved down our throats 24/7 by the media, kids are going to naturally assume this type of behavior is the norm.

All you folks with kids and grandkids, and are trying to raise them to be good, moral citizens - you have nothing but my utmost respect. Parenting is a much tougher job than it was when I would have been raising children. To all you who are in the teaching venue, all I can say is WOW! You guys have it tough.

KUDOS!!!

 

[stacktester]

Thanks for your encouragement Debbie. I'm sure a lot of us need a word of it.

I hate to see what I'm in for lol. I remember telling Annie while we were watching Zoey 101 how I hoped Jamie Lynn would be a better role model for kids. Nope, about a month later she was knocked up. It seems as though the excuse will always be "times have changed man", this isn't your dad's oldsmobile era.

One parent I wouldn't want to be is the one's of this little girl near Palatka. Since it's so close to here our news stations are on the scene daily. If you're not familiar with the case, the 5 y/o girl vanished about 10 days ago from a home in Satsuma, FL. First she was asleep in the same bed with her dad's 17 y/o girlfriend, then she was in the same room but a different bed and now they are saying the girl has a drug problem and may have left her alone while she went to get drugs. Whatever happened, I think the g/f had something to do with it or it's her fault. My theory is, if she did leave her, the little girl woke up and went looking for her. The dogs lost her trail at a railroad track behind her house which is also close to the St. Johns River. Dozens of things could've happened to her such as falling in the river or something like that. I pray not, but it's been a long time and it's not looking good. To boot there are 44 registered sexual predators within 5 miles of her home. Isn't that lovely?

 

[BRDof3]

Are you all trying to give me something to look forward to?? We have 3, and the oldest will be a teenager in a year and a half. NOT looking forward to that!

We do all we can, and sometimes that isn't enough. I wouldn't trade that for anything, but it does keep me awake at night sometimes.

To answer the original question, our first 2 were planned, the little guy was a surprise. We lost 2 pregnancies to miscarriage before the oldest was born. Never found out what happened the first time. We know what went wrong the second time, but had no clue it was happening until we lost the heartbeat on doppler. After that we had a lot of trouble getting pregnant again, and almost gave it up in dispair.

When we were pregnant with DD they were hyper-vigilant, we have a videotape full of the ultrasounds that were done. Same with the younger DD. DS was not planned and finding out we were pregnant was a complete surprise. (And he's been surprising us ever since. While I was typing this he left his breakfast and came over for a long hug. Must have known what I was talking about).

We've watched a lot of parents and their kids. Most turn out OK, some have some pretty sad stories. One of the girls in our Jr. High youth group made the news a few years later when she was arrested for driving her boyfriend away from a felony in progress. I can't even describe how it felt when we saw her name and picture on the news.

If there's a secret for securing a happy ending we haven't found it yet. Still hoping and praying about it.

 

[PolynesianPixie]

It is a different world. That is for darn sure. It terrifies the crapola out of me sometimes. At this point my kids are young still fairly innocent and we've been blessed to live in an area that is sheltered from a lot of the things that go on in other schools. We chose to live in Blacksburg for a reason! My jaw drops to hear what my neice and nephews experience in an average school day! I try not to hide the real world from my kids, but I want to be the one to explain it to them so they aren't frightened or disillusioned.

I try to prepare myself for the teenage rebellion that I feel any healthy teen is going to go through. I mean, we all did to a certain extent, right? As long as we keep the communication going, know their friends and love them through it all it should be ok.....right?....and I pray, that my kids at least, take after me instead of their daddy

 

[3gr8kids]

It truly is a scary time to be raising children. I guess you just do the best you can by loving them LOTS, teaching them a. right from wrong, 2. actions have consequences, and... the golden rule ~ treat others the way you want to be treated. Then, with a (not so) small amount of luck, they grow up to be healthy, happy, responsible adults who then go on to raise their own children. (Who, unfortunately, by that time, will have their own scary realities and challenges facing them).

 

[vick]

It isn't just teenagers. We found out our 35 year old neice , who is a single mother of a 12 year old, is expecting a baby in May or June. Quite an example for her 12 year old daughter.

 

[auntie]

It is the hardest job anyone will EVER have. The most rewarding..and the most heartbreaking. Their hurts are your hurts and their joys..your joys.

 

[clkelley]

Thanks for the words Deb!! It was hard but rewarding, and there were a few bumps in the road, and it's still not over!! Mine are newly out of the house, and while I'm LOVING not being mom's taxi, concession stand manager, Scout Leader, etc., I still worry every day that they don't do something stupid with their money, the law, or their girlfriend. I'm hoping and praying that I'm not a grandma until I see a pigskin (with the initials B.S. or A.S. on them) and a marriage license from both of them IN THAT ORDER!!

 

[g8trmom1]

One Sentence:

ALL GIRLS CATHOLIC HIGH SCHOOL

it worked for me....that and the fear of god.

But seriously, I wouldn't send Megan. I missed out on the typical High School Experience. While I enjoyed it...I was too sheltered.
I am hoping a close family unit and open lines of communication will help us keep them grounded. We'll see what happens...time will tell, and honestly I'm scared!

 

[2goofycampers]

We planned for our DS 25. Did the very best we could to help him become a good person. From 13 to 18 it felt like we were losing the fight but after high school he came back around. He is the hardest working person we have ever known and bought his own house without any help at 20. Now he is a good man, and we haven't got any unplanned grand kids

We are happy parents,
glad we let him live thru his teen years.

 

[bigdisneydaddy]

All you can do is lead by example and hope they get it.

 

[BigDaddyRog]

It doesnt seem like so long ago that I was a kid(I know ..it WAS a long time ago, but it doesnt seem it), in reality...this IS a completely different time.....kids are meaner, more daring...fearless of anything because somewhere along the line someone leaked out the secret that kids aren't responsible for their actions. Well, mine are...responsible for their actions that is. Maybe the law will turn their heads on things that dont directly affect the community, but thats because raising my kids aint the laws job...its mine.

I have friends with kids who are...lets say...a REAL FREAKIN handful...and have heard them say things like "God, I cant wait till he/she starts school so I can get a break from all this!" EXCUSE ME????? You GET A BREAK while some unsuspecting teacher is terrified by your wild animal??? So many people just DONT GET IT and it PISSES me off to no end!!!!! Its not a teachers job to discipline your child and teach the monster how to properly conduct his/herself in public. And a child thats allowed to be a jerk at home has no reason to think he cant be a jerk in public. RAISE YOUR OWN DAMN KIDS!!! Dont expect someone who simply doesnt know your kid well enough to LOVE the little brat to want to "make him a better person"!!! If YOU dont like your kid...how in the hell is someone ELSE gonna like him/her??? No one wants there kids to think they, as parents, are mean...no one LIKES disciplining a child that they love...but its alot easier to love a well behaved child than it is to love a child "that you cant wait to send to school so as to catch a freakin break"!!!!!

My kids didnt come with an instruction manual either...Ive made tons of mistakes. I dont know how to raise a human, for god's sake!!! But I know if my kids arent respectful to ME, they most likely wont be respectful to anyone else...and THAT will make the child that you love's life VERY difficult. Ive tried to live by the rule that "Im not raising a child, Im raising a human...this small person will grow and needs to be able to get along in the real world at some point." Ive tried to teach mine the skills they need to get by in the real world...thats not always pretty, it aint always nice...its almost never filled with Disney Magic...but its GOTTA BE DONE.

This is coming from a man who's oldest daughter had a child at the age of 17. Did I go wrong somewhere??? OF COARSE I DID. But I didnt quit when I realized I wasnt doing it right...where did I go wrong? Hell, I dont know. But Ive come to learn that the child she gave birth too is ANYTHING but a mistake.....so was it really all that bad? I love that grandson of mine to death..as much as I love my own daughters. So, maybe...just maybe, I went wrong by thinking the worst thing that could have happened to my daughter was for her to get pregnant at 17. If I could turn back time and CONTROLL this...Id probably STILL NOT want her to be such a young mother...but if preventing THAT would prevent the birth of this little boy running around my house destroying barbie dolls left and right....then HELL NO, I wouldnt change a thing.

Teaching children is as much a learning experience as it is a full time responsibility filled job......YOU NEED TO BE WILLING TO LEARN IN ORDER TO TEACH.



I think I'll go beat my kids now!!!

 

[BRDof3]

It doesnt seem like so long ago that I was a kid(I know ..it WAS a long time ago, but it doesnt seem it), in reality...this IS a completely different time.....kids are meaner, more daring...fearless of anything because somewhere along the line someone leaked out the secret that kids aren't responsible for their actions. Well, mine are...responsible for their actions that is. Maybe the law will turn their heads on things that dont directly affect the community, but thats because raising my kids aint the laws job...its mine.

I have friends with kids who are...lets say...a REAL FREAKIN handful...and have heard them say things like "God, I cant wait till he/she starts school so I can get a break from all this!" EXCUSE ME????? You GET A BREAK while some unsuspecting teacher is terrified by your wild animal??? So many people just DONT GET IT and it PISSES me off to no end!!!!! Its not a teachers job to discipline your child and teach the monster how to properly conduct his/herself in public. And a child thats allowed to be a jerk at home has no reason to think he cant be a jerk in public. RAISE YOUR OWN DAMN KIDS!!! Dont expect someone who simply doesnt know your kid well enough to LOVE the little brat to want to "make him a better person"!!! If YOU dont like your kid...how in the hell is someone ELSE gonna like him/her??? No one wants there kids to think they, as parents, are mean...no one LIKES disciplining a child that they love...but its alot easier to love a well behaved child than it is to love a child "that you cant wait to send to school so as to catch a freakin break"!!!!!

My kids didnt come with an instruction manual either...Ive made tons of mistakes. I dont know how to raise a human, for god's sake!!! But I know if my kids arent respectful to ME, they most likely wont be respectful to anyone else...and THAT will make the child that you love's life VERY difficult. Ive tried to live by the rule that "Im not raising a child, Im raising a human...this small person will grow and needs to be able to get along in the real world at some point." Ive tried to teach mine the skills they need to get by in the real world...thats not always pretty, it aint always nice...its almost never filled with Disney Magic...but its GOTTA BE DONE.

This is coming from a man who's oldest daughter had a child at the age of 17. Did I go wrong somewhere??? OF COARSE I DID. But I didnt quit when I realized I wasnt doing it right...where did I go wrong? Hell, I dont know. But Ive come to learn that the child she gave birth too is ANYTHING but a mistake.....so was it really all that bad? I love that grandson of mine to death..as much as I love my own daughters. So, maybe...just maybe, I went wrong by thinking the worst thing that could have happened to my daughter was for her to get pregnant at 17. If I could turn back time and CONTROLL this...Id probably STILL NOT want her to be such a young mother...but if preventing THAT would prevent the birth of this little boy running around my house destroying barbie dolls left and right....then HELL NO, I wouldnt change a thing.

Teaching children is as much a learning experience as it is a full time responsibility filled job......YOU NEED TO BE WILLING TO LEARN IN ORDER TO TEACH.



I think I'll go beat my kids now!!!

You're a good man, Charlie Brown. Give yourself a break.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Happy Thoughts ,, Happy Thoughts ,,and a WHOLE LOTTA Pixie Dust !

 

[big kahuna1]

Jeesh, I thought a Village raised our kids?

 

[Just Beachy]

Jeesh, I thought a Village raised our kids?

Sadly, many times it's a village of idiots....

 

[vick]

Rog, that was a very good post! I've had 2 neices have babies without being married. Twelve years later, it is happening to one again. You'd think a 35 year old would learn. I know it wasn't the parents failing with either one. Sometimes, things like that happens.

It's harder for kids now. They are expected to be grown by the time they're 11. They are exposed to so much more than we were. I wouldn't want to be that young again and face the pressures they face. I am so proud of the young lady my daughter has become!

 

[Brer Bear]

When my son was 14, I told him my "Apple Pie" analogy....

If the only dessert a man ever eats is Apple Pie, he is going to LOVE that Apple Pie each and every time. He might have it with ice cream or a slice of cheddar, but it will always be GREAT and he will always be thankful.

BUT, if he has Chocolate cake, or Pecan pie, or coconut cream pie, he will not always want just plain Apple Pie. And when he is having Apple Pie, sometimes he will be thinking about how a brownie with fudge and vanilla ice cream would be better.

Variety is not always a good thing. Worked so far!

Now if I could just get my wife to wear the apple scented perfume.....

 

[3gr8kids]

When my son was 14, I told him my "Apple Pie" analogy....

If the only dessert a man ever eats is Apple Pie, he is going to LOVE that Apple Pie each and every time. He might have it with ice cream or a slice of cheddar, but it will always be GREAT and he will always be thankful.

BUT, if he has Chocolate cake, or Pecan pie, or coconut cream pie, he will not always want just plain Apple Pie. And when he is having Apple Pie, sometimes he will be thinking about how a brownie with fudge and vanilla ice cream would be better.

Variety is not always a good thing. Worked so far!

Now if I could just get my wife to wear the apple scented perfume.....

I KNOW there is a lesson here somewhere, but now I'm too dang hungry to even think!!

 

[Cindy F]

I decided to go ahead and post this but wanted to first say- I respect everyone's life and/or religious choices so this is not intended to offend anyone.

I am far from perfect and have made many, many mistakes in my life (and still do) but regardless of what I may be going through or mistakes I make-I have my faith to help me through it and recover. I have 2 girls, and in discovered a powerful speaker in Pam Stenzel.

I purchased the video tapes "Sex Has a Price Tag" and "Sex Has a Price Tag 2000" and began showing the to my oldest when she was 13 and showed my youngest one for the first time today. My 13 year old ADHD, never sits still for anything child---sat motionless for the entire video. She is a powerful speaker.

As a mom, a nurse practitioner, and a Christian I HIGHLY recommend showing one of her tapes to all kids starting at about 12. This will never happen in the public school system because she mentions God's law. This breaks my heart for all the kids who will never hear the truth about the physical and psychological damages sex can have. The health information and statistics she gives in her programs are absolutely correct and she's right.......you don't hear them much on mainstream media (although this has gotten better in recent years)

Anyway, I just thought I would post the website- I have loaned my tapes out to many different church groups. Here's the link to her website, there's a clip on the right of the first page that shows her on various TV shows and speaking to different groups.

http://pamstenzel.com/

I know this only addresses a very small piece of the challenges of raising teens but I thought I would post it in case someone else was interested in it.