Thread for parents who have lost babies..preborn or shortly after--just to chat

[6_Time_Momma]

Just in one of those moods tonight. Just wondering how hard it still is for you. Has 20 years gone by and you still think frequently of your child or do your memories seem faded? Or has it been recent and you still struggle constantly?

I still struggle often with my feelings (we are not talking obsession or major depression, just for clarification). I will find myself holding and looking at Olivia and wondering if Gabrielle would've looked like her......then I feel guilty for thinking about Gabrielle when I should be thinking about Olivia.

At our Cincy outing this weekend, I found myself thinking "Oh, Gabrielle would've been running in the 1-2 year olds race."

I sometimes feel guilt.....like I should've known something was wrong and maybe they could've done something to save her or did I do something (like having the amnio) that made her extra squirmy, which caused the cord to wrap around her?

The day we found out, we had just been looking for rocking chairs to rock her in. My husband's haunt is that he never was able to rock her. There was no rocking chair in the room after I had her, so he couldn't even rock her then.

My big haunt is not being able to tell her that I loved her. I only pray that she knows how much I love her and wanted her to be with us.

I am so grateful, at least, that I was able to see her and hold her and bury her, though. I think it would've killed me more not to be able to do that.

This isn't a sympathy seeking post. I am just wondering how some of you other parents have dealt with or are dealing with your loss. Is there anything that has helped you feel more at peace?

 

[Melora]

I haven't lost a baby like that, but have known 2 people that did... (one a cord accident and the other pre term at 25 weeks....)

All I can offer is

 

[IMGONNABE40!]

On Mother's Day it will be ten years since my dear cousin lost her 8 week old daughter to SIDS. I know she is frequently in their thoughts, and ours as well.

 

[tkyes]

Not even remotely close to your situation, but I have had 2 miscarriages.

I'm coming up on the due date for my first pregnancy and I'm dreading it. The date just sticks in my head and I can't get rid of it. I keep thinking about how nice and big my belly would be, how wonderful it would be to be pregnant. I think about a million "what ifs" and "would have beens" constantly.


to you

 

[IMGONNABE40!]

I hear you tkyes. I had a due date of April 21--but had to have a D & C back in September. Then I had another miscarriage in March. I know it seems like I'm too old to be having a baby, and yet at age 40, having never been pregnant, I get pregnant twice. I never thought it could happen. My husband says it is like a cruel joke. Fortunately, we have a wonderful 11 year old son who we adopted 7 years ago. Without him, I know I would be in pretty bad shape over these miscarriages.

 

[6_Time_Momma]

Not even remotely close to your situation, but I have had 2 miscarriages.

I certainly don't think your losses are any less than my own. You still are a parent who has lost a child. Whether it was at 6 weeks or 40 weeks or even afterbirth, the pain is still there and very real, I am sure.

 

[niks81]

Originally posted by 6_Time_Momma
I certainly don't think your losses are any less than my own. You still are a parent who has lost a child. Whether it was at 6 weeks or 40 weeks or even afterbirth, the pain is still there and very real, I am sure.

I agree. My SIL was carrying my soon to be niece and had a miscarriage as well....and she has never gotten past it, and I wouldn't expect her to. The loss of a child, no matter what the age, has got to be one of the hardest things to deal with.

 

[mrsv98]

I will never know for certain, but my OB is fairly sure we lost a twin around 8 weeks. I had been charting temps and such and that month, I had a spike twice as high and a pos pg test only 11 days past conception. Then I started bleeding, days went by and I saw the doc who couldn't tell me, inconclusive. Then I passed tissue and I just about died, I "knew" I had lost the baby.

I went in for another HCG but they couldn't tell so they wanted me to have a ******l ultrasound. It was Labor Day weekend, so I had to wait another agonizing day until Tues. Then, there on the screen, a teeny tiny little heart was beating, our own lima bean!

Afterward, the OB told me she was fairly sure I had lost one twin, but the other was ok. I will always mourn that baby, I feel in my heart she was there. Then about 6 weeks before DD was born, I had a dream that I was watching myself give birth while holding a little blond haired baby. I felt that this was my other little girl, she even had a name, Isabelle, one that we had never considered. But I got to hold her and she was there when her sister was born and that made me very happy and very sad.

Four years have passed and DD is all that we could ever wish for but I still have a sad place in my heart for Isabelle.

 

[Megan's Mom]

On April 15 our Emily would have been 9. There are times I think about her more than others. When I see other kids that were born about the same time at church I think she would have been that age or doing those things. Sometimes it is strange the things that will bring about those feelings. We were lucky enough to have her with us for 8 days so we got to bring her home and hold her and love her for a short while.

 

[GEM]

We lost our first to a miscarriage at 12 weeks. I still think about that baby a lot. I wonder if it was a boy or a girl, what he or she would have looked like . . .

That was very hard because, to me, I had lost a child. A child I already loved and had dreams of and plans for. Lots of people seemed to just act like I had the flu or something, no big deal.

And, then when Paul was born at 28 weeks and only 1lb and 7oz, I was sure at first that we would loose him, too. But we didn't.

Sometimes I'm torn because I know that if we hadn't lost that first baby, we wouldn't have our little Paul with us. He was conceived just a few months after our miscarriage.

My grandmother had a total of 8 children. The 3rd died from Yellow Fever at about 9 months old. I honestly don't think my grandma ever got over that, even though she went on to have 5 more children. It affected her until the day she died at age 88.

 

[poohandwendy]

I know you weren't asking for it ...but ...{{{hugs}}} Kristy.

My husbands late grandmother talked with me, on many occasions, about her daughter Lorraine who died at the age of 5 yo due to a brain aneurysm. She told me I was the only family member who would allow her to speak frankly about Lorraines death.

Back when it happened, people thought it was best to not talk about such things. (unfortunately, there are people who still feel that way) They thought it would make it worse. Until the day she died, she grieved Lorraine. She didn't obsess over it, but it left a small empty space in her heart (I think).

I was heartened by the fact that she would finally see her 'sweet Lorraine' the day she died. It made her death much easier, for me. I was pregnant with my youngest DD when she passed away, we used Lorraine as her middle name. Some people thought it was bad luck (or whatever) to use the name of a family member who died so young for a new baby, but I felt the need to honor her and my GMIL. Lorraine would have been 55 when grandma in law died.

It's funny that people think grief is something that will go away if you just busy yourself with something else. It truly doesn't work that way, IMO. I think it is easier to come to terms with things you face head on. Out of sight does not mean out of mind.

Thoughts and prayers out to all who have suffered the loss of a child.

 

[Dan Murphy]

Just stopping by to offer a {hug} or two for a real special group of people. Know well we all have many little angels watching over us all, because of your love.............

<center>

</center>

 

[janette]

I've never lost a child, I can't imagine that pain.

My mother lost one, it was before I was born she would be over 50 now. Like poohandwendy said I think it leaves a small empty space.

She rarely talked about it, once about 10 years ago she did and you could still hear the pain in her voice. Said that when she brought her into the hospital she was already gone. The Dr looked at her and said "You starved her". The baby had never thrived and was about 3mths old when she died. The cause of death was pneumonia but the coroner called my parents after the autopsy and told them the real problem. She had a heart defect referred to as a hole in the heart. Due to medical advances this is not usually fatal now.

My older sisters remember waiting in the car with my Dad while my mom took the baby into the hospital and her coming back without the baby.

The next sister in line has the distinction of being the only one of 12 that was planned. My Dad thought having another baby would help ease the pain. I'm sure it does ease the pain but I don't think it ever goes away completely.

for all of you.

 

[poohandwendy]

The Dr looked at her and said "You starved her".

OMG...that is unfreakenbelievable!!!!! Your poor mother! It is amazing the "God" complex some doctors had back then. (just thinking about many other old-time doctor related stories I have heard)

 

[HappyMommy2]

What a heart-wrenching thread--but it is wonderful in a way because it reminds us of how precious and sacred our little ones are.

My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage very early, at about 6-7 weeks. We never even heard a heartbeat, never even saw a fuzzy little ultrasound picture--but from the very instant my home pregnancy test stick registered "positive" I was that child's MOMMY, and he/she was my baby. The loss, just a couple of weeks after I first suspected I was pregnant, was more crushing than I could ever have predicted. I shudder to even imagine the loss of a baby further along in pregnancy, or even after birth--only by God's grace can a parent survive that kind of pain, I think.

Thankfully I became pregnant again just a few months after our loss and delivered a wonderful, healthy son, and two years after that we were blessed with another precious little boy. Like GEM, I sometimes consider the somewhat disconcerting fact that if my first baby had not been lost, I would not have the little boys I have now--and I can't imagine life without them! I take comfort in the fact that we will get to meet the first little one in Heaven someday.

God bless all who have lost sweet loved ones.

 

[TinkBoo&ElliesMum]

Originally posted by mrsv98
Four years have passed and DD is all that we could ever wish for but I still have a sad place in my heart for Isabelle.

Our Isabelle lost her twin at 9-10 weeks

Between DS and DD I had 8 confirmed miscarriages, it took a lot of testing (and trips to the doctor) to figure out what was going on and I was finally able to carry to term with Belle, still have a few more weeks to go on this one. We had a few rough spots this time but I'm hopeful we'll make it to the end ok!

 

[janette]

She said that Dr never called and apologised, like I said the coroner was the one who made sure she knew why her baby died. The failure to thrive and reason she was so small was because of the heart defect. It does upset me every time I think of it.

 

[poohandwendy]

Originally posted by janette
She said that Dr never called and apologised, like I said the coroner was the one who made sure she knew why her baby died. The failure to thrive and reason she was so small was because of the heart defect. It does upset me every time I think of it.

I'll bet it does! What really stinks is I bet your mother is still haunted by those words...and probably still wonders if she could have made a difference (I know sometimes people tend to take on the guilt easier than the lack of control that comes with situations that couldn't be helped). That doctor had no business working with live patients. Hugs to your mom!

 

[poohandwendy]

Between DS and DD I had 8 confirmed miscarriages, it took a lot of testing (and trips to the doctor) to figure out what was going on and I was finally able to carry to term with Belle, still have a few more weeks to go on this one. We had a few rough spots this time but I'm hopeful we'll make it to the end ok!

Wow, that must have been very tough! My SIL just found out last week that her pregnancy is not viable and she is waiting to miscarry (her second time). She is hoping it will happen on it's own because she already has scar tissue problems and wants to try again eventually. She has a D&C scheduled in a week, just in case. But it is awful that she is just waiting for the inevitable. Very tough on her and my brother.

From your counter, it looks like you are in the homestretch, prayers for smooth sailing from now until your baby is born!

edited to add, my SIL is about 7 weeks now.

 

[Banshee]

I have never had this happen to me but my SIL had lost her baby at about 32 weeks. The baby just died they had no explanation for her My heart ached for her and my BIL they had to induce labor and she had to give birth to her baby girl My other SIL and I went to their home and put away the baby things and just closed the nursery door,and we were told by our MIL that it was a stupid thing we had done!! That it was really no big deal and that these things happen,"they'll have another baby!!!" She also had the nerve to say it to my SIL the day after she was home from the hospital!! She now has 2 beautifull girls. But I know a part of her heart still grieves for that baby she will sometimes talk about her. For all of you my heart truly goes out to you all.