Thoughts On Wedding Invite

[Christine]

Let me preface this by saying that I am not choosing to be hurt or mad over this, but I find the rationale a little odd--or maybe I don't know the rationale.

My cousin is getting married. It is a huge wedding. Huge. It is not out of town where we have to fly, but it is not overly close to home. I had heard before that "children" would not be invited because one of my other cousins checked (he has 3 kids that are below 8 years old) and he was told they would not be invited.

I sort of assumed that my *children* would be invited since they are 18 and 14. Wrong of me to assume, but I did. So the invite comes yesterday and the kids are not listed. Other cousins also get invited who have older children and they are invited. In fact, my one cousin's *child* was invited and he attends the same college as my DD (who is 18).

Now, I know that my cousin is not doing anything deliberately to exclude my kids but I'm just not quite sure where her thought process was or where that "line" was drawn as to who goes and who doesn't.

My only real problem is that, while my son does stay alone during the day, I have never left him for an extended period overnight (he will be almost 15 at the time of the wedding). I can probably find somewhere for him to stay, but not 100% sure yet. Admittedly, I'm also a bit bummed because my family hardly ever gets together and I'd love for my kids to be able to see more of them. But that's not my cousin's job to fund a family reunion.

Do you think this is odd though? We don't have very many weddings in our family as most of the potentials to get married are old!! This cousin is the last one and there hasn't been another wedding since 10 years ago (where kids were invited). I just wasn't sure what the norm is on these things. Guess it's just the couple's choice no matter how arbitrary?

I was talking to my best friend about this and she reacted more strongly about this than I would. She said she would border on having her feelings hurt, since other older kids were invited. Again, I try hard or choose not to get offended because I don't think my cousin's motive was to specifically exclude my kids but I just can't figure out why they were exluded.

 

[npmommie]

I think I would be wondering what the age cutoff was since some kids the same age as yours did get invited. maybe it was 18 and the bride doesn't realize your child is 18?
are there other 14 yos invited?

 

[Christine]

I think I would be wondering what the age cutoff was since some kids the same age as yours did get invited. maybe it was 18 and the bride doesn't realize your child is 18?
are there other 14 yos invited?

As for the 14 y/o age, that I don't know yet. There really aren't any others of that age in our family. The only other one that exists happens to be in the wedding party. There are several teens in the wedding party as junior bridesmaids. It seems that the younger kids that are in the family are going but as part of the wedding party.

I'm not sure if the bride is aware of my 18 y/o's age specifically. We did see her over the summer and she talked at length with my DD about college (knowing that she was going in the fall) so she is aware that she is in college.

 

[Bolanette87]

It's maybe possible that because one child is 14 your cousin thought it would be unfair to invite your 18 year old and not the 14 year old? Perhaps they thought it was fairer to invite neither than to just invite the one....? Just a thought though.

 

[Christine]

It's maybe possible that because one child is 14 your cousin thought it would be unfair to invite your 18 year old and not the 14 year old? Perhaps they thought it was fairer to invite neither than to just invite the one.

Yeah, that's what I'm thinking too.

 

[tink_n_pooh]

Maybe the bride is closer with the other "children" that were invited?

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I don't get the logic myself.

I have a dance teacher whose daughter is getting married and due to the venue selection--the venue has an imposed age restriction so they had to include it in the invites b/c the venue will deny entry to children at the door. (Fancy mansion/museum with lots of antiques).

The logic of not inviting your older children astounds me, especially the college student.

I might bring the 15 yo with me and he can hang in the hotel.

I remember hanging in hotels as a teen b/c my mom and her husband would want to go out. I would think he would at least be capable of entertaining himself whie you are at a wedding.

I would be inclined to telephone the mother of the bride (who should have realized your sons age) and inquire if there is a reason your 18yo son was specifically excluded.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

You said the other cousin's kid is invited but are you bothe 1st cousins, 2nd cousins etc.? Maybe the cutoff was only 1st cousins? Many people do that.

 

[Bren's Mom]

Me three.

The other 18 yo that was invited, I'm assuming they don't have a 14 year old sibling.

To answer your question; YES, it's the couple's decision to make and yes, it is sometimes completely arbitrary. I would tell anyone planning a wedding to try to make the line that is drawn very clear so no one gets upset, but sometimes they THINK it's clear and yet it might not be...like in this case.

No doubt if you really try you can find a friend of yours to stay with your son or who would allow your son to stay with them. Or maybe a sleepover at a friend's house if you know the parents. So if you want to go, RSVP yes and go and enjoy.

 

[Christine]

You said the other cousin's kid is invited but are you bothe 1st cousins, 2nd cousins etc.? Maybe the cutoff was only 1st cousins? Many people do that.

I am a first cousin so that makes my kids the bride's 2nd cousins? Not sure. Anyway, my other cousin (who is also the bride's first cousin) is the one whose kids are invited and they are also 2nd cousins or whatever my kids are. There are some other 2nd cousins invited too, but again, they are a bit older. Not everyone in the family has received the invites yet so I'm still not sure who is/isn't invited.

I'm not going to do anything about it. It is the choice of the bride and groom and I will honor that and not even mention it to them. But agree with a PP in that it should be clear how the line was drawn. I think when they got to my family on the invite, they had to sit and think what choice they were going to make. My other cousin (the one whose kids are going)and I are very close and the whole family knows that. We are like sisters. So I just wonder if it occurred to the wedding invitee planners that the lack of my kids' invite might be puzzling to me.

 

[Kies99]

Why don't you just ask the bride or her mom? You don't have to make an issue out of it.

 

[mickeyboat]

Personally I would be a little befuddled, but I would let it go. I think she excluded kids under 18, and didn't want to exclude just one of your kids, so she excluded both.

Maybe your kids made the "B" list!

Anyway, I think leaving the 15 year old in the hotel room isn't such a bad idea. How do you think he would handle that?

 

[shortbun]

I think you should move on. It's not your wedding day and you don't choose who is invited. Children don't have that much fun at weddings anyway. You have a choice as to wether or not to rsvp - yea or nay. Pick your battles, it ain't no big thing.

 

[JessicaR]

I would be disappointed. I wonder if she just figured she wouldn't split the family,but 14 was younger than she was inviting, so she invited neither. But really 14 isn't a child that couldnt enjoy a wedding. Like you, I would have enjoyed it more if the whole family were invited. The part that would have me upset is that my other cousins kids were invited and your daughter is 18.

Anyway things could change if she gets regrets? Maybe it could be mentioned that your kids would love to come if at all possible? Even though I would hate being 'that' person. Kinda stinks though.

 

[Christine]

I think you should move on. It's not your wedding day and you don't choose who is invited. Children don't have that much fun at weddings anyway. You have a choice as to wether or not to rsvp - yea or nay. Pick your battles, it ain't no big thing.

Why would you think I'm not moving on? I stated that I'm not making a deal about. Just confused about how it was done. I'm not even having a "battle". Nothing to pick. Why do some people on this board always try to make posters seem like their having fits about something when they are just posting a question?

 

[terri01p]

I would flat out call and ask either the mom or the bride about it, I wouldn't make an issue of it, just matter of factly ask if the children were included, by the way age 18 is not a child to me and by the time a child is 14 they should know how to act at a wedding so what could the problem be???? Maybe the food for the reception, if that's the case tell the bride that you all will attend the wedding but then your children could either leave or all of you leave at that point. Sounds like a food budgeting problem to me?????

 

[Christine]

Personally I would be a little befuddled, but I would let it go. I think she excluded kids under 18, and didn't want to exclude just one of your kids, so she excluded both.

Maybe your kids made the "B" list!

Anyway, I think leaving the 15 year old in the hotel room isn't such a bad idea. How do you think he would handle that?

Exactly, I'm "befuddled." Great word!

I'm thinking that my son would prefer to stay home than go to the hotel. I'll probably just try to make some other arrangements for him.

 

[Christine]

I would flat out call and ask either the mom or the bride about it, I wouldn't make an issue of it, just matter of factly ask if the children were included, by the way age 18 is not a child to me and by the time a child is 14 they should know how to act at a wedding so what could the problem be???? Maybe the food for the reception, if that's the case tell the bride that you all will attend the wedding but then your children could either leave or all of you leave at that point. Sounds like a food budgeting problem to me?????

Well...I'm not going to call. I think there was no oversight and I think when you get an invite you just should honor what the party throwers have intended. I think calling them just puts them in a very uncomfortable position and I wouldn't even want them to capitulate because they perceived I was forcing the issue.

So, with them, I will just honor it. I'm just more curious. And yeah, a little disappointed that my kids can't go. We don't have many family weddings but they have LOVED all the ones they've ever been to.

 

[dispor]

Well...I'm not going to call. I think there was no oversight and I think when you get an invite you just should honor what the party throwers have intended. I think calling them just puts them in a very uncomfortable position and I wouldn't even want them to capitulate because they perceived I was forcing the issue.

So, with them, I will just honor it. I'm just more curious. And yeah, a little disappointed that my kids can't go. We don't have many family weddings but they have LOVED all the ones they've ever been to.

What are the ages of the other "second cousins?" Could it be that they are all 21 or over? Maybe that was the cutoff age??

 

[Christine]

What are the ages of the other "second cousins?" Could it be that they are all 21 or over? Maybe that was the cutoff age??

One is 25, the other is 20. There are several that are 20 that are going.

There will also be kids in the wedding party that will attend the reception that rage in age from 2-18; however, I know that different rules apply. Just want to stress that there is no age restriction at the venue as a previous poster experienced.