Thoughts on honeymoon registries?

[VAfamily1998]

I'm actually kind of surprised that after living together so many years, you really couldn't think of things to put on a traditional registry.
My husband and I have been married 16 years and I could find TONS of kitchen gadgets, pots and pans, linens, etc. at Williams Sonoma that I would love to have.
We could also really use some nice new towels, sheets, etc.--sure everything we registered for at our wedding years ago is either long gone or starting to show age/wear.

 

[Hrhpd]

I said the average wedding in the US now costs that much. I have no clue what the OP is spending. But since she not go getting married locally, I consider that a destination wedding. I've never driven 2 hours for a local wedding.

But we do have different takes on things (which is perfectly fine). To me if a couple wants their ceremony to be a very intimate and private event then I have no problem at all with it. I wish my husband and I had eloped or had a destination wedding. It really takes a lot for me to see something as tacky and just a money grab.

Locals here routinely drive 2 hours on a weekend to go skiing. It is a very normal weekend activity. Driving 2 hours to a ski town to go in front of a justice of the peace is not a destination wedding.

 

[MSLRAC]

If you read my first answer, while I do think a honeymoon registry is tacky, I did say that if the OP absolutely had to have the registry, she should go ahead and set it up. However, the registry should not be mentioned unless somebody asks if she has one and should never, ever have a card included asking for money. That is money grubbing, no matter how you want to spin it.

There are also many threads where an OP is complaining about a relative asking for donations to their kids's sports or school trips. Routinely, the majority agree that asking for money for sports and school trips is absolutely not ok. They are some of the few threads where most agree with each other, that their trip, their expense. There is no difference between asking for money for those kind of trips and asking for money for a honeymoon.

If, as previously mentioned, the OP is correct and her family and friends know she has a complete household and has a love of travel, they will give cash for gifts without the prompting. It is the asking for money for a specific purpose that is tacky.

The OP asks in her first post what would go through the invitee's mind if they received an invitation with a card for a donation.

My mind:

Spoiled and Entitled
Low Class
Tacky
gauche: lacking social experience or grace; not tactful; crude (Merriam Webster)

If I just received the invitation and then asked the hostess if she was registered anywhere when I rsvp'd, and was told that she was registered at AAA, I would just think it different, but not tacky. Difference being that I asked vs a strong suggestion that I make a donation to a trip.

I can see where you are coming from, I truly can but I think many people would rather have the registry info provided with the invite...no matter what kind of registry it is. And if a couple already has a home established and they true do not need anything then I would like to know that they would prefer cash for a honeymoon or whatever. That way I don't waste hours of my life wandering around Bed Bath and Beyond trying to find a gift that the couple is just going to end up returning.

I honestly do not think that any bride (or mother) to be sets out to be tacky and just get gifts. I think they are trying to be helpful by including that info because people always buy gifts anyway.

 

[MSLRAC]

Locals here routinely drive 2 hours on a weekend to go skiing. It is very normal weekend activity. Driving 2 hours to a ski town to go in front of a justice of the peace is not a destination wedding.

That is your opinion. I'm sure just as many of you would be flaming the OP if she had asked if it were tacky to invite people to her wedding two hours away.

 

[undertheradar]

No, I'm not referring to some type destination wedding. Local venues alone can cost $2500-5000 with most of the churches charging between $500-1000 just for use of the sanctuary.

Are you including the reception hall in these figures? Why would anybody spend $5000 just for the ceremony location?

OP stated that she and her other half have lived together for 8 years, the money spent on a wedding and honeymoon is just wasted. They have been living together like a married household for 8 years so why the need to have a honeymoon? If they want a trip, they should pay for it.

 

[MSLRAC]

Are you including the reception hall in these figures? Why would anybody spend $5000 just for the ceremony location?

OP stated that she and her other half have lived together for 8 years, the money spent on a wedding and honeymoon is just wasted. They have been living together like a married household for 8 years so why the need to have a honeymoon? If they want a trip, they should pay for it.

No I am not including the reception venue. I have no clue why people pay that amount...I find spending $20,000+ on a wedding absurd...but people do it.

 

[Hrhpd]

Are you including the reception hall in these figures? Why would anybody spend $5000 just for the ceremony location?

OP stated that she and her other half have lived together for 8 years, the money spent on a wedding and honeymoon is just wasted. They have been living together like a married household for 8 years so why the need to have a honeymoon? If they want a trip, they should pay for it.

It seems they do travel together. They just returned from a 6 day/5 night trip to the world.

Which makes it even tackier to ask for funding for a trip to Aulani.

 

[undertheradar]

No I am not including the reception venue. I have no clue why people pay that amount...I find spending $20,000+ on a wedding absurd...but people do it.

Can you give an example of this $5000 venue?

 

[MSLRAC]

Can you give an example of this $5000 venue?

There are places all over that cost that much...hotels, inns, private locations.

 

[Pumbaa_]

If I am not invited to your wedding do not invite me to a shòwer

Not a fan of the round two reception. You choose a destination wedding, good for you! Pogo enjoy have fun. No second bite of the apple

If you want people at your wedding, you invite them. If you don't want guests at your wedding, more power to you. But don't invite me to a wedding reception weeks later. No thank you, not interested in attending the gift grab

Oh to original question, never include registry info in the invite. Maybe you should invest in an etiquette book

 

[kirstenb1]

No, I'm not referring to some type destination wedding. Local venues alone can cost $2500-5000 with most of the churches charging between $500-1000 just for use of the sanctuary.

Interesting, the differences amongst regions. In my experience, our faith, (Episcopalian) has not charged our family members a fee for performing the wedding. But our family has always tipped our priest as an appreciation for their time and effort (tradition, starting with at least my parents and all of my siblings). So it sounds like we've gotten off lightly compared to your experiences.

 

[kirstenb1]

No, I'm not referring to some type destination wedding. Local venues alone can cost $2500-5000 with most of the churches charging between $500-1000 just for use of the sanctuary.

Okay, I just re-read this and am confused. You are talking about venues, and sanctuaries. Is the wedding ceremony held at the church (sanctuary), and the reception at a venue? I am familiar with that. Otherwise, it sounds like the wedding is held at a sanctuary, and a venue? I'm getting confused with that.

 

[tigercat]

I am trying to organize my granddaughters wedding. There is not a lot of money from anyone to have a wedding so we are doing it on a real budget. They are also getting married where he lives not where she lives now which is where my family lives and the majority of people will be. The place is almost 11 hrs. away. We have tried to find a church that they could get married at but they start at $700.00 and go up from there. Not in their budget. Justice of the Peace (I am still trying to find one) seem to start at $400.00 and up. So they will go to the courthouse to get married and then will have a small reception. Probaby about 30 people in total. Another problem is she is Canadian and he is in the U.S. Thoughts have to be about what can go across the border. She would have loved to have a bigger wedding and invite everyone but it isn't in the cards. I wish we could just ask the family members to give money but that won't be done. She will probably have a family shower however since other family members have had them and have gotten married locally and none of us have been invited to either the wedding or reception.

I wouldn't mind the registry in the shower invite although in our family it is usually just a phone call that you get. I would rather be giving the couple something they would like than something that will not be used. I find it useful not tacky.

If anyone who thinks wedding are expensive and know ways to have a nice one but not a lot of money please let me know. Especially in the States in northern Michigan.
tigercat

 

[undertheradar]

There are places all over that cost that much...hotels, inns, private locations.

You were stating that this is just for the ceremony, where in your area would we find a fee of $5000 just to use the facility for the ceremony? Church rentals and hotel rentals don't start at $5000 for just the use for ceremony. That kind of fee just doesn't add up. That is why I asked for specific locations, not just a generic answer.

 

[Jennasis]

I am trying to organize my granddaughters wedding. There is not a lot of money from anyone to have a wedding so we are doing it on a real budget. They are also getting married where he lives not where she lives now which is where my family lives and the majority of people will be. The place is almost 11 hrs. away. We have tried to find a church that they could get married at but they start at $700.00 and go up from there. Not in their budget. Justice of the Peace (I am still trying to find one) seem to start at $400.00 and up. So they will go to the courthouse to get married and then will have a small reception. Probaby about 30 people in total. Another problem is she is Canadian and he is in the U.S. Thoughts have to be about what can go across the border. She would have loved to have a bigger wedding and invite everyone but it isn't in the cards. I wish we could just ask the family members to give money but that won't be done. She will probably have a family shower however since other family members have had them and have gotten married locally and none of us have been invited to either the wedding or reception.

I wouldn't mind the registry in the shower invite although in our family it is usually just a phone call that you get. I would rather be giving the couple something they would like than something that will not be used. I find it useful not tacky.

If anyone who thinks wedding are expensive and know ways to have a nice one but not a lot of money please let me know. Especially in the States in northern Michigan.
tigercat

You can get just about anyone to be your officiant. Look into getting someone in the family certified with the Universal Life Church and they can perform the wedding legally. DH did (originally for laughs in college on a dare but..) he has since performed my sister's wedding in NY and my cousin's in Florida. One wedding was held in the rentable hall of a Greek Orthodox Church and the other at the rental space for a local beach.

Our own wedding we held on our farm. 100 guests total cost under $5K. Was catered by our local favorite BBQ place.

 

[MSLRAC]

Okay, I just re-read this and am confused. You are talking about venues, and sanctuaries. Is the wedding ceremony held at the church (sanctuary), and the reception at a venue? I am familiar with that. Otherwise, it sounds like the wedding is held at a sanctuary, and a venue? I'm getting confused with that.

Sorry, let me try to explain better. Here churches charge anywhere from $500-1000 and all that gets you is use of the sanctuary for a few hours. The reception has to be elsewhere or you have to pay extra for the reception hall at the church.

Then there are other venues (not churches) that host wedding ceremonies. Some of those places have reception facilities and some don't. The places that do have reception facilities charge separately for the ceremony and reception sites because they have different options. Like one inn has a terrace, barn, mountain overlook, countless gardens, and various ball rooms to choose from. The pricing all depends on what the couple picks.

 

[Cantw8]

I have never heard of this and it's not something I would do. However, I would gladly contribute to it

 

[LBIJim]

If this couple wants to have a destination wedding with only their parents then that is their business and a reception held a couple weeks later is not tacky or that unheard of.
.

Not a fan of the round two reception. You choose a destination wedding, good for you! Pogo enjoy have fun. No second bite of the apple

If you want people at your wedding, you invite them. If you don't want guests at your wedding, more power to you. But don't invite me to a wedding reception weeks later. No thank you, not interested in attending the gift grab
:

There's nothing wrong IMO with having a small private ceremony and then a big reception some time later. But if you're going that route, you make it clear in the invitations that gifts are NOT expected. "Your presence is your present" or similar phrasing. Most will still give a gift, even if it's a token one.

But it's the ultimate in gaucheness to say "I don't want you at my wedding, but please come a party and gimme gimme gimme money."

Looks like this bride wants to have her cake and eat it too.

No invitation to the ceremony=no right to expect a gift.

 

[TaylorEar]

I find the outrage over this kind of amusing... who knew??

For me personally, I would totally appreciate being notified about this sort of registry, as I would hate to spend money on something that you didn't want/need.

If you were my friend/relative (close enough that I would attend your wedding shower) I would think it was really fun to be able to contribute to your honeymoon! I'd much rather do that than buy you a spoon rest.

As a thank you to the people who end up contributing, maybe you could turn a picture from your honeymoon into a postcard and send everybody one?

 

[Skywalker]

A wedding ceremony is a vow the couple makes before God. It has nothing to do with you or any of their other guests. You are invited to the reception to celebrate in the happiness of their day.

Not really, a wedding ceremony has traditionally been the public taking of wedding vows, witnessed by family and friends. No one says you have to follow that tradition, elopements and destination weddings are perfectly fine, but then why do those couples still insist on following the tradition of the receptions and showers (ie the part that brings them gifts).

I also think it sad to say the ceremony is just for the couple and the reception is for the guests. How would you feel if the guests felt that way? I don't think a bride and groom would very happy to have a beautifully decorate empty church, nothing but crickets for their actual wedding and then everyone just showed up for the free food and booze.