Thoughts on honeymoon registries?

[EMom]

Come to think of it, if you have everything you need why are you even having yourself a shower? You don't need anything yet you seem to be expecting shower and wedding gifts? And since you don't actually need anything you are asking people to donate to a honeymoon that you can 100% afford? The more I think about it, the more I wonder why you are even going through with all that...seems like some people insist on the "traditions" that benefit them but are too cool for the traditions that don't.

Yes...it DOES sound like that.

 

[OurBigTrip]

Looking for opinions on a honeymoon registry. They seem to be controversial, so curious to know if more people are cool with them or if you find them tacky or offensive.

We're considering booking our honeymoon with our local AAA office. If we choose, they will provide us with little cards to include with my shower invitation that essentially offers my guests the option to visit or call AAA and make a financial contribution to our honeymoon. AAA would provide our guest with a pre-made slip that details their contribution so they can stick that in the greeting card they will give at my shower to symbolize their gift. The contribution they make would go towards our final payment, and we'd only then be responsible for the balance (if any) after the wedding. This approach differs from other honeymoon registries out there in that there is no option to purchase excursions or dinners, etc and AAA does not take a cut of the contribution our guest is making.

As background, my fiance and I are in our late 20s and have been together for 9 years. We will have been engaged for 5 years by the time we get married. We've lived together for 8 years and purchased a house together 2 years ago. We have everything we need from a home goods perspective, so there is nothing we would register for at a store like Bed Bath & Beyond or Macy's. This honeymoon registry would be the only "registry" we are offering, and I think all of our guests are aware of our love for travel.

What would be your take if you got a card for a honeymoon registry in your invitation? Be honest! We haven't decided one way or the other what to do.

I think including any kind of registry information in an invitation is tacky, but that's just me.

 

[OurBigTrip]

I'm 58 and think it's fine with my generation...

It may be fine for you, but I'm of your generation, and I don't know of anyone that would be fine with this.

 

[Hrhpd]

Looking for opinions on a honeymoon registry. They seem to be controversial, so curious to know if more people are cool with them or if you find them tacky or offensive.

We're considering booking our honeymoon with our local AAA office. If we choose, they will provide us with little cards to include with my shower invitation that essentially offers my guests the option to visit or call AAA and make a financial contribution to our honeymoon. AAA would provide our guest with a pre-made slip that details their contribution so they can stick that in the greeting card they will give at my shower to symbolize their gift. The contribution they make would go towards our final payment, and we'd only then be responsible for the balance (if any) after the wedding. This approach differs from other honeymoon registries out there in that there is no option to purchase excursions or dinners, etc and AAA does not take a cut of the contribution our guest is making.

As background, my fiance and I are in our late 20s and have been together for 9 years. We will have been engaged for 5 years by the time we get married. We've lived together for 8 years and purchased a house together 2 years ago. We have everything we need from a home goods perspective, so there is nothing we would register for at a store like Bed Bath & Beyond or Macy's. This honeymoon registry would be the only "registry" we are offering, and I think all of our guests are aware of our love for travel.

What would be your take if you got a card for a honeymoon registry in your invitation? Be honest! We haven't decided one way or the other what to do.

Incredibly rude and tacky to ask guests to fund a honeymoon.

If your guests really know you that well and know your love of travel, they will include cash or a check as their gift.

But to basically ask for money for the honeymoon by putting a card in the invite, I can't really think of anything much tackier.

If somebody asks if you are registered anywhere, your host can matter of fact state that you are registered with AAA, but to put a card in begging for money, no way, no how.

However, still beyond tacky to ask for donations to a honeymoon. I agree with the poster that said it is no different than setting up a Go Fund Me account to sponsor a trip. Your honeymoon, your expense.

 

[jrmasm]

It sounds like everything about this is in poor form. 1) Your mom is hosting the shower? Or just "distributing the invitations?" Either way, it's a no. 2) If you already have everything you need to set up a household, why are you having a shower? The whole point of a shower is to "shower the bride" with the items she needs to set up her house (because presumably, she is coming from her parents house directly to her husbands.) 3) I would be offended at the whole "wedding takes place now, big party later" thing. If you want some super secret, tiny wedding fine--but it's tacky to expect everyone who didn't "make the cut" to celebrate it later. If they are not so important to witness the marriage, they really aren't important enough to celebrate with you either.

I was wondering about 1 and 2 as well.

My vote is don't do it!

 

[Hrhpd]

OP here. Thanks for all the responses!

Just to clarify some things:

*The card would ONLY go into my bridal shower invitation (being distributed by my mom) and it would explain that in lieu of a traditional gift registry, we are doing this - and of course, it's totally optional. IMO, people prefer to have registries or ideas for gifts because they either have no idea what to buy (and like me, don't want to get you something useless) or they don't wish to give cash in a card. This gives people an option still.

*We can 100% afford the honeymoon on our own, so it's not a matter of not being able to afford it.

I personally don't find it tacky, but the mixed reviews on here confirm my suspicions that it's very controversial, which is the sole reason I'm asking. I hear of them more and more lately, so I was inquiring if it's become more widely accepted. But evidently not, so I am re-considering.

I also think it is a generational thing, and my generation tends to be more tolerant of it - young professionals, established in life and home, getting married a bit later in life (I'll be 31 when we tie the knot). My generation also sees different kinds of weddings and don't necessarily follow the traditions and customs of yesteryear. In fact, we are getting married in a ski village with just our parents, and having a BBQ party at a picnic shelter in a park as our reception. Very non-traditional wedding.

I do appreciate all the responses and don't mean to sound defensive, but I don't need my finances and morals questioned on the subject. Just want to know what would run through your mind if you got a bridal shower invitation with this included as a gift option as opposed to the standard registry.

Thanks all!

Still at the top of the scale of tackiness. Not controversial, tacky by any standard of etiquette.

For what it is worth, I have a young professional (engineer) in our family. I just asked his fiancee (chemist) if this is becoming more normal. She said no, most professionals their age wouldn't dream of doing something like this. Some of their friends do, and they are laughed at behind their backs as being ignorant and tasteless.

So, you may interpret seeing some people doing is becoming more mainstream, but at least in our area, even the young professionals know it is gauche.

Glad you are reconsidering.

Barbeque receptions in a park have been going on for a long time. Definitely not nontraditional.

 

[Hrhpd]

Actually both of my daughters were married over the last 2 years. Also, about 12 of their friends have also married. Every one of the them used a bridal registry and a honeymoon registry. Not one of them found it tacky. It was used to purchase things for the honeymoon such as dinners, wine and excursions where they honeymooned. It seems to be the new thing and I don't know of anyone that didn't think it wasn't a good idea. These days after living together you basically have your home furnished. I found that for the wedding showers they still used places like Crate & Barrel and BB&B too. But, for the honeymoons, all of them used a website so people could purchase things for them on that. Of course, nothing is better than $$$ too.

Just because a circle of friends does it, does not mean it is not tacky.

I'm 58 and think it's fine with my generation...

Nope. Same generation. Nobody in my crowd would find this ok. Not classy at all.

 

[Hrhpd]

Just because your ceremony was under $200 doesn't mean they all are. I have a co-worker getting married in January and her ceremony alone has topped $5000 and she's expecting it to reach $7500 before it's all said and done.

And opinions are fine, I get that but I swear some of you seriously pick apart every single invite looking for an ulterior motive or tackiness.

I don't get your point.

The bride is choosing to spend $5,000 on her ceremony alone. Pretty sure nobody told her that she absolutely had to spend that much on her wedding. Did the wedding planner hold a gun to her head and say "You Will spend $5,000 on the ceremony?" I doubt it. She is choosing to spend this. One does not spend all sorts of money on a ceremony and then turn around and ask their guests to contribute to the honeymoon. That is tacky, no matter what generation you are.

There are some pretty established rules of etiquette that have withstood the test of time. One is asking for money to fund trips, whether it is for Susie's girl scout trip to the Amazon or a honeymoon.

Some rule of etiquette are silly, some have withstood generations. Grubbing for money is one of them.

I am pretty easy going with invites. E-vite, email, a phone call, a text, hand printed or computer generated labels, all good. But asking for money for a honeymoon makes me cringe. Glad the young people in my life also think it is pretty low class to do it.

 

[Hrhpd]

Oh boy......I was OK with having a honeymoon registry, although not including it in the actual invitation.

But expecting gifts (cash, yet) when people aren't even invited to the actually ceremony????!!! Expecting people not good enough to share the moment to fund your honeymoon??? That's the ultimate in tackiness and rude entitled behavior!! Vomit inducing, to be honest.

Why not just have your mom stand guard at the door to the reception and demand $200 from each guest when they arrive? Because, in effect, that's exactly what you're doing, albeit in sheep's clothing.

And presumably having the party a couple of weeks after the honeymoon the minions (oops guests) paid for.

I stand corrected. The happy couple is planning Aulani a couple of months after the wedding. Makes sense, that way the registry can still be open for the reception party.

 

[Disneychick75]

Actually both of my daughters were married over the last 2 years. Also, about 12 of their friends have also married. Every one of the them used a bridal registry and a honeymoon registry. Not one of them found it tacky. It was used to purchase things for the honeymoon such as dinners, wine and excursions where they honeymooned. It seems to be the new thing and I don't know of anyone that didn't think it wasn't a good idea. These days after living together you basically have your home furnished. I found that for the wedding showers they still used places like Crate & Barrel and BB&B too. But, for the honeymoons, all of them used a website so people could purchase things for them on that. Of course, nothing is better than $$$ too.

I don't have a problem with a honeymoon registry if a couple wants that. My problem is including any registry in an invitation.

 

[MSLRAC]

I don't get your point.

The bride is choosing to spend $5,000 on her ceremony alone. Pretty sure nobody told her that she absolutely had to spend that much on her wedding. Did the wedding planner hold a gun to her head and say "You Will spend $5,000 on the ceremony?" I doubt it. She is choosing to spend this. One does not spend all sorts of money on a ceremony and then turn around and ask their guests to contribute to the honeymoon. That is tacky, no matter what generation you are.

There are some pretty established rules of etiquette that have withstood the test of time. One is asking for money to fund trips, whether it is for Susie's girl scout trip to the Amazon or a honeymoon.

Some rule of etiquette are silly, some have withstood generations. Grubbing for money is one of them.

I am pretty easy going with invites. E-vite, email, a phone call, a text, hand printed or computer generated labels, all good. But asking for money for a honeymoon makes me cringe. Glad the young people in my life also think it is pretty low class to do it.

That comment was in response to JanaDee stating that ceremonies don't cost money. Most, at least around here, are not cheap. Yes, no one forces the couple to spend that money on the ceremony but to just assume that all ceremonies are under $200 just because hers was is stupid. If this couple wants to have a destination wedding with only their parents then that is their business and a reception held a couple weeks later is not tacky or that unheard of.

I swear some of y'all can seriously twist anything into being tacky and grubbing for money. It's amusing and yet pathetic all at the same time.

 

[Hrhpd]

That comment was in response to JanaDee stating that ceremonies don't cost money. Most, at least around here, are not cheap. Yes, no one forces the couple to spend that money on the ceremony but to just assume that all ceremonies are under $200 just because hers was is stupid. If this couple wants to have a destination wedding with only their parents then that is their business and a reception held a couple weeks later is not tacky that unheard of.

I swear some of y'all can seriously twist anything into being tacky and grubbing for money. It's amusing and yet pathetic all at the same time.

You are right. Having a destination wedding and a party a couple of weeks later is pretty common and not tacky.

The low class tackiness comes in when you also start grubbing for money to send you to Hawaii, especially a registry that does not include any provisions for dinners, massages, etc, during the shower and the reception.

What is pathetic is people thinking manners is pathetic.

 

[Luvchefmic]

That comment was in response to JanaDee stating that ceremonies don't cost money. Most, at least around here, are not cheap. Yes, no one forces the couple to spend that money on the ceremony but to just assume that all ceremonies are under $200 just because hers was is stupid. If this couple wants to have a destination wedding with just only their parents then that is their business and a reception held a couple weeks later is not tacky that unheard of.

I swear some of y'all can seriously twist anything into being tacky and grubbing for money. It's amusing and yet pathetic all at the same time.

Indulge me then please as one of the sources of pathetic amusement: Guests are invited to a shower ...gift # 1 NOT invited to the wedding just the couple and parents ...then shower guests are invited to reception/party/BBQ/shin dig whatever you want to label it...gift # 2

How is this NOT a total money grab and nothing else ? How can it be interpreted any other way ? This isn't even about a honeymoon registry being tacky anymore; it's all about the " gimme" If I ever got invitations that will read like these and NOT get invited to the wedding I would send a card and not go. Then the happy couple would sprain a wrist shaking that card until my invisible $$ gift fell out.

 

[MSLRAC]

You are right. Having a destination wedding and a party a couple of weeks later is pretty common and not tacky.

The low class tackiness comes in when you also start grubbing for money to send you to Hawaii, especially a registry that does not include any provisions for dinners, massages, etc, during the shower and the reception.

What is pathetic is people thinking manners is pathetic.

So would you be happier if the OP set up a bogus registry so people could buy her towels, dishes, and pot and pans that she doesn't need and will end up returning for the cash anyway? What's the point in that? The travel registry is just like any other registry, contribute towards the trip or don't and buy something else. It's really not that big of a deal.

And I have no problem with manners. I'm a southern girl so manners were drilled into me since birth and I'm drilling into my kids. But etiquette evolves and I thinks some of y'all are seriously over-thinking the tacky and gift grab aspect of invitations. There is seriously a thread about something like this every few weeks and the same people always say it's a tacky gift grab.

Indulge me then please as one of the sources of pathetic amusement: Guests are invited to a shower ...gift # 1 NOT invited to the wedding just the couple and parents ...then shower guests are invited to reception/party/BBQ/shin dig whatever you want to label it...gift # 2

How is this NOT a total money grab and nothing else ? How can it be interpreted any other way ? This isn't even about a honeymoon registry being tacky anymore; it's all about the " gimme" If I ever got invitations that will read like these and NOT get invited to the wedding I would send a card and not go. Then the happy couple would sprain a wrist shaking that card until my invisible $$ gift fell out.

So as long as you are invited to the actual ceremony you are fine with giving gifts? What you are describing is a destination wedding and they are becoming very popular because the average wedding in the US now costs between $22,000-$26,000. I see absolutely nothing wrong with destination weddings or even couples that get married at the court house and then have a reception. A wedding ceremony is a vow the couple makes before God. It has nothing to do with you or any of their other guests. You are invited to the reception to celebrate in the happiness of their day. If you can't be happy for them then don't go but I seriously doubt that anyone is going to be turned away from the shower or reception because they don't bring gift.

 

[kirstenb1]

That comment was in response to JanaDee stating that ceremonies don't cost money. Most, at least around here, are not cheap. Yes, no one forces the couple to spend that money on the ceremony but to just assume that all ceremonies are under $200 just because hers was is stupid. If this couple wants to have a destination wedding with only their parents then that is their business and a reception held a couple weeks later is not tacky or that unheard of.

I swear some of y'all can seriously twist anything into being tacky and grubbing for money. It's amusing and yet pathetic all at the same time.

We were married 25 yrs ago in my family's church. I know my Dad tipped the priest a few hundred dollars, but that was the extent of the ceremony cost. Now the reception was a whole different matter.

I'm guessing the ceremony you're referring to was held at some type of destination.

 

[Luvchefmic]

So would you be happier if the OP set up a bogus registry so people could buy her towels, dishes, and pot and pans that she doesn't need and will end up returning for the cash anyway? What's the point in that? The travel registry is just like any other registry, contribute towards the trip or don't and buy something else. It's really not that big of a deal.

And I have no problem with manners. I'm a southern girl so manners were drilled into me since birth and I'm drilling into my kids. But etiquette evolves and I thinks some of y'all are seriously over-thinking the tacky and gift grab aspect of invitations. There is seriously a thread about something like this every few weeks and the same people always say it's a tacky gift grab.



So as long as you are invited to the actual ceremony you are fine with giving gifts? What you are describing is a destination wedding and they are becoming very popular because the average wedding in the US now costs between $22,000-$26,000. I see absolutely nothing wrong with destination weddings or even couples that get married at the court house and then have a reception. A wedding ceremony is a vow the couple makes before God. It has nothing to do with you or any of their other guests. You are invited to the reception to celebrate in the happiness of their day. If you can't be happy for them then don't go but I seriously doubt that anyone is going to be turned away from the shower or reception because they don't bring gift.

To answer your question YES I get invited to a wedding I give a gift. I get invited to a shower before that I'll give a gift.

We do agree about the meaning of the couple's vows. To me that is where the true happiness should be shared with family and friends...a reception is just the after thought, or should be, of what is really important. To each his/her own.

 

[Agent7]

What's etiquette and what most people (in my circle) will tell you is that showers are for "showering" you with gifts. So since you just want cash you, technically, shouldn't even have a shower. And it is considered tacky to include gift information with any invite because gifts should never be expected. (Although I personally like gift information because I'm lazy about calling especially when I don't know the host well).

Your best option is to either have a shower with a small physical gift list at Macys, Target, or what have you (because some guest will give you material gifts no matter what) and to spread the work by mom/siblings/etc that you would really appreciate cash for your trip. Or to not have a shower and not have a regristry - people will get the idea. Everyone knows that people like cash.

But do what you want. It's accepted and thought well of in some circles. No one you know personally with tell you it's tacky to your face. Even if they think it is.

 

[MSLRAC]

We were married 25 yrs ago in my family's church. I know my Dad tipped the priest a few hundred dollars, but that was the extent of the ceremony cost. Now the reception was a whole different matter.

I'm guessing the ceremony you're referring to was held at some type of destination.

No, I'm not referring to some type destination wedding. Local venues alone can cost $2500-5000 with most of the churches charging between $500-1000 just for use of the sanctuary.

 

[MSLRAC]

We obviously have very different takes on this and that is fine. What OP is describing as her marriage ceremony with only the parents does not clarify in my mind as a " destination wedding" ...so not sure where you're getting the $22,000 to $26,000 price tag. There is no wedding party traveling or otherwise. No bridesmaids/groomsmen etc.

We do agree about the meaning of the couple's vows. To me that is where the true happiness should be shared with family and friends...a reception is just the after thought, or should be, of what is really important. To each his/her own.

I said the average wedding in the US now costs that much. I have no clue what the OP is spending. But since she not go getting married locally, I consider that a destination wedding. I've never driven 2 hours for a local wedding.

But we do have different takes on things (which is perfectly fine). To me if a couple wants their ceremony to be a very intimate and private event then I have no problem at all with it. I wish my husband and I had eloped or had a destination wedding. It really takes a lot for me to see something as tacky and just a money grab.

 

[Hrhpd]

So would you be happier if the OP set up a bogus registry so people could buy her towels, dishes, and pot and pans that she doesn't need and will end up returning for the cash anyway? What's the point in that? The travel registry is just like any other registry, contribute towards the trip or don't and buy something else. It's really not that big of a deal.

And I have no problem with manners. I'm a southern girl so manners were drilled into me since birth and I'm drilling into my kids. But etiquette evolves and I thinks some of y'all are seriously over-thinking the tacky and gift grab aspect of invitations. There is seriously a thread about something like this every few weeks and the same people always say it's a tacky gift grab.

If you read my first answer, while I do think a honeymoon registry is tacky, I did say that if the OP absolutely had to have the registry, she should go ahead and set it up. However, the registry should not be mentioned unless somebody asks if she has one and should never, ever have a card included asking for money. That is money grubbing, no matter how you want to spin it.

There are also many threads where an OP is complaining about a relative asking for donations to their kids's sports or school trips. Routinely, the majority agree that asking for money for sports and school trips is absolutely not ok. They are some of the few threads where most agree with each other, that their trip, their expense. There is no difference between asking for money for those kind of trips and asking for money for a honeymoon. Putting a card in an invitation suggesting donating money to a trip is absolutely no different than a family sending out a form letter to friends and family saying "Susie's soccer team is going to Brazil for the World tournament and we would appreciate any monetary help in getting her there." If it is crude to ask for money for your child's sports travel, it is equally crude to ask for money for a honeymoon.

If, as previously mentioned, the OP is correct and her family and friends know she has a complete household and has a love of travel, they will give cash for gifts without the prompting. It is the asking for money for a specific purpose that is tacky. No matter how much etiquette has evolved, subtly demanding money to fund an optional activity will always be tacky.

The OP asks in her first post what would go through the invitee's mind if they received an invitation with a card for a donation.

My mind:

Spoiled and Entitled
Low Class
Tacky
gauche: lacking social experience or grace; not tactful; crude (Merriam Webster)

If I just received the invitation and then asked the hostess if she was registered anywhere when I rsvp'd, and was told that she was registered at AAA, I would just think it different, but not tacky. Difference being that I asked vs a strong suggestion that I make a donation to a trip.