Thoughts on Engagement Ring debate?

[Rora]

My soon-to-be-engaged (we think!) friend and I were having a friendly debate yesterday and I would love to know what the general DIS public thinks:

Like I said, we think my friend's DBF is about to propose-a couple of weeks ago she found a small bag from our local jewlery hidden in his gym bag. Prior to the discovery of the possible ring, for a couple of years now he's asked her if she would marry him if he didn't give her an engagement ring (they're both young like my DH and I and aren't making a ton of money- but they are able to support themselves). She's always said no.

I told her I was surprised by this as I would've married DH if he hadn't given me an engagement ring. She said that today giving the engagement ring is the "right thing to do" and it's "expected". She said she, her parents, and all her friends would be disappointed if she didn't get the diamond. She also said that no one would take them seriously if she didn't have the engagement ring..

Thoughts? Would people really not take them seriously without an engagement ring? Is giving an engagement ring the "correct thing to do"?

Just looking for some opinions and thoughts!

 

[~disneydiva~]

The ring is nice, but I still would've married my husband without a ring!

 

[Christine]

It's not about the ring. It's about being with someone that you want to be with forever. If it comes down to a ring, this couple (this poor guy) has a lot to worry about. She sounds very immature. If she needs to hold out for the jewelry and he doesn't think it's important, then they are not on the "same page" from the start.

 

[stichy]

I really like my ring and DH was able to take a loan from his 401k. But I still would have married him if he didn't have the money to buy the ring.

 

[Pakey]

Jewelers would certainly like to perpetuate that expectation.

I would have married my husband without one and I absolutely would not have been happy if he'd bought me a ring that was going to bring debt into our marriage.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

My soon-to-be-engaged (we think!) friend and I were having a friendly debate yesterday and I would love to know what the general DIS public thinks:

Like I said, we think my friend's DBF is about to propose-a couple of weeks ago she found a small bag from our local jewlery hidden in his gym bag. Prior to the discovery of the possible ring, for a couple of years now he's asked her if she would marry him if he didn't give her an engagement ring (they're both young like my DH and I and aren't making a ton of money- but they are able to support themselves). She's always said no.

I told her I was surprised by this as I would've married DH if he hadn't given me an engagement ring. She said that today giving the engagement ring is the "right thing to do" and it's "expected". She said she, her parents, and all her friends would be disappointed if she didn't get the diamond. She also said that no one would take them seriously if she didn't have the engagement ring..

Thoughts? Would people really not take them seriously without an engagement ring? Is giving an engagement ring the "correct thing to do"?

Just looking for some opinions and thoughts!

If she 'needs' a ring, especially a diamond, to make her love for the guy official, then I think she needs to reexamine if she really loves her BF or if she is just in love with the idea of the ring and the wedding. One of the happiest couples I know got married at the courthouse with the proverbial soda can ring. Later, they did get simple gold rings, but their love for each other shines way more brightly than any diamond ever could.

Is she marrying the ring or marrying her BF?

I have to agree with then above that she sounds very immature.

And if I were the boyfriend, I would be re-thinking marriage to somebody that puts so much value on material things rather than what they have together. She is going to be one expensive wife.

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

I will say people who say they're engaged without a ring of some kind (doesn't need to be super expensive) are most often not taken seriously. I have seen it many times and if the girl mentions she's planning or booking anything, if she doesn't have the official ring yet, there can be a lot of hurtful comments.

I wanted to marry my husband no matter what - ring or not- but knowing I wanted a ring and that he could afford a ring, I wouldn't have understood why I didn't get one, KWIM? I think it is something the couple has to discuss themselves and work out on their own. It is expected in our society but if the two people getting engaged both feel it isn't necessary, it really isn't.

 

[tiggger1]

The ring is nice, but I still would've married my husband without a ring!

same here!

 

[~disneydiva~]

It's not about the ring. It's about being with someone that you want to be with forever. If it comes down to a ring, this couple (this poor guy) has a lot to worry about. She sounds very immature. If she needs to hold out for the jewelry and he doesn't think it's important, then they are not on the "same page" from the start.

Exactly. The radio station I listen to was talking about engagement a couple weeks ago. How much you're "supposed" to spend and stuff like that. Some girls were calling in and saying if the guy didn't buy the right ring they would say or had said no!!!

 

[phorsenuf]

I married my husband without a ring. Then again we got married a week after we decided to marry.
But he got me one for our 5th anniversary.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yes, if you want to be Miss Manners about it, giving an engagement ring is the "correct" thing to do.

It is certainly not necessary. I did not have one. Then again I was married at the courthouse.

Your friend has a good reason to not want a ringless proposal. She said her family would not approve. That is a perfectly normal thought process as far as I am concerned.

 

[design_mom]

I agree with most of the posters here. The ring was not the important thing and, if there was a reason (financial or otherwise) that I could not have had a ring, I would have still gotten married.

On the other hand, a ring is still sort of expected. It doesn't have to be a 2 carat diamond -- or even a diamond ring at all. It's a symbol. When you tell someone you're engaged, the next question is usually "ooh, can I see your ring?" My family would have expected a ring as well and probably would not have considered me "officially engaged" unless I had one.

If the boyfriend knows a ring is important to her, and she isn't demanding a specific ring that is outside his ability to provide, then I think he ought to give her one. I wouldn't have wanted my DH to go into debt to buy me a ring, but he put off buying something he'd been saving for to get me a nicer ring than I was expecting... and I did (and still do) appreciate the sacrifice.

 

[cat83]

I think the emphasis is on "friends and family won't take us seriously without a ring".

Maybe they are too young and not quite mature enough? Not meaning that as an insult or a slam, but if they are so worried about not being taken seriously- maybe there is some validity to that, beyond the ring. And she feels that maybe the ring would be the "final straw" towards not being taken seriously (maybe even by herself...). Everyone reaches a certain level of maturity at different times- obviously you and your DH have already hit that point, maybe your friend still needs time?

 

[Handbag Lady]

I would have married my husband without the ring but don't you dare tell him that! I wanted a diamond engagement ring.


A ring is special to one who wants one. It is a symbol of a promise and a commitment. Plus, some girls dream of having their ring (with or without a stone, depends on them). As a proposing person, wouldn't you want to present your intended with what they'd want to get?

My friends got engaged and he offered up a ring pop. It was exactly what she wanted. (Yes, and I do mean the candy ring with the plastic band.)

And that, my friends, is the key.

I do however disagree with the HAVE to have a ring or no dice as well as those who say you have to spend two-months' salary. That is just stupid. (Unless, you can afford to spend that and that is what you want to do.)

 

[cat83]

On the other hand, a ring is still sort of expected. It doesn't have to be a 2 carat diamond -- or even a diamond ring at all. It's a symbol.

I agree with this too. You can get a pretty, meaningful, simple ring for a few hundred $$...and then if you feel like it, upgrade at an anniversary! (1,5,10...)

 

[hiwaygal]

So...my engagement wasn't serious because I didn't get a diamond?

Meh...no biggie, the marriage is more important to me anyway.

 

[Handbag Lady]

So...my engagement wasn't serious because I didn't get a diamond?

Meh...no biggie, the marriage is more important to me anyway.

Did you want a diamond?

 

[Carly_Roach]

I married DH without an engagement ring, but we come from simple people who feel excessive body adornments are vain and wasteful. We married later in life (for both of us) so it wasn't a big deal whether or not outsiders "took us seriously".

We knew, we cared, we planned, we married. Everyone else was just along for the ride.

 

[fenrir58]

I told my then boyfriend that I didn't want a ring if he couldn't afford it the point in being engaged was to take the next step in being together.
He got me one anyways. Actually, he got us matching rings, in his price range. Our rings are really unconventianal; no stones, just a symbol we appreciate. Nobody's thought anything less of us for it, in fact evreyone always looks at my ring and says "that's perfect for you." I 'd like to think that more importantly, he's perfect for me.
The engagement ring is for the couple- not outsiders.

 

[MarkBarbieri]

My wife married me without a ring. We were both relatively poor when we got married. Neither of us was into jewelry. We were both very frugal. We weren't very traditional either.

When I proposed, I did a full financial disclosure. I showed her what investments I would sell to pay for the ring and explained how much we would pay in taxes for sellinkg the investments. I asked her if she wanted a ring or the money, since both would be hers after the wedding. As I expected, she opted to keep the money.

It's been almost 17 years since we were married. I've asked her several times if she'd like a ring. We're doing very well financially, so we could buy one without making big sacrifices. She never opts for the ring. She still likes having a comfortable level of savings and spending money on things that matter more to her - travel, landscaping, photography, etc.

I'm not saying that people should not buy engagement rings. People should do what is right for them. Don't spend money on a ring that isn't important to you just because other people expect you to. Do what makes sense for you and your situation. I love my wife so much (both then and now) that I would buy her anything she wanted. One of the things I lover about her is that she is practical and doesn't want more than we can afford.