This is elementary school related and I need advice...

[Mskanga]

My 11 year old is in the highest group in the class, always has been. For the last two years a couple of times she has had problems when she didn't understand something , but she refuses to ask for help to the teachers for the fear of the other kids thinking she's dumb or stupid.
I keep telling her that she doesn't have to tell them infront of the kids, simply walk to the teachers and ask for help, but she won't do that either.
Sometimes we can help her without a problem , but sometimes when we try to help her , she gets confused and frustrated because we may be teaching her something in a completely different way that they are learning, this makes us frustrated too.
My fight here is that I want her to start speaking up to let the teachers know and ask for help and I gave her an ultimatum yesterday, she has until the end of the day today to ask the teacher ( and I will verify too ) or I will sign her up for summer school .
She's a very bright kid and I know that whatever it is that she doesn't get, she masters in no time and the school has the support teachers to help her with that.
I'm just not going fight her battle, this time she will have to do it .
Did this ever happen to you with your kids? If so , what worked for you? I'm open to suggestions.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If she is a bright student I do not see how summer school would help with this problem.

My advice it may take a bit of time for her to learn to "speak up". I think you and her having a conversation with the teacher about her issue would be a better route.
Perhaps the teacher can help her with suggestions on "how" to ask for help.

 

[mrsv98]

Instead of summer school, why not sign her up for an acting/drama class or camp? Speaking up in public is hard and the fear of looking a fool can be paralyzing, especially for a pre-adolescent. Some kind of class where everyone is speaking out/being silly/taking chances could raise her self esteem and help her get past the fear.

HTH

 

[shatzjsl]

Have you made the teacher aware of the problem? Maybe she can stop her after class and ask her if she has any questions.

 

[disykat]

I agree. I would mention it to the teacher. That way the teacher can casually ask if she needs help with anything - giving her the perfect opening. If she doens't ask then, you've got a problem! If she does ask when prompted, maybe it will be easier to ask on her own next time.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

I don't think the "punishment" of summer school is the best idea. In fact, I think it could make her problem worse as she might not tell YOU her problems now. I agree about the drama or speech class or club though. I think that is a great idea. And I would talk to the teacher too. She might have some suggestions to help your DD how to LEARN to ask questions. I know I always hated asking for help, I still do.

 

[CJMickeyMouse]

IMO, it sounds like the problem isn't speaking up, it's lack of challenge. Your daughter is used to "getting" everything that is taught rather easily, and when something does not "click", that's a scary time for her. She fears the teacher and other students will be astonished that she does not "get it".

From one who has been there, done that.... personally and with my children......

Try to challenge her this summer. Find something she is interested in but has not mastered. Music, dance, sports.... or maybe some online learning activities.... depending on where you live you might be able to enroll her in summer programs.

HTH!! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!!

 

[Mskanga]

You have all made very valid points , but this is not happening with only one teacher , just recently it happened with one other teacher and subject, only in this case the teacher pulled her from the rest of the class and asked her if everything was ok because she's always serious in class , she told him " yes, that's just the way I am". Two days later the report card came out, her grades in English and Reading went down with comments of lack of participation in class and decrease in performance, and she tells me that sometimes she does not get things in English as fast as the teacher expects her to.
She had the perfect chance to let the teacher know that sometimes she doesn't understand things as fast as he wants her to, but she didn't let him know, she told him that's just the way she is.
I have spoken to the teacher when that happened and of course he can't help her if she doesn't speak up. Every teacher that she has , knows about this problem, and they all try to make her speak up, but she just won't, the fear to look dumb or stupid is beyond her.
She signed up for Drama Club in school in the winter, but the problem here was that she was sick with a bad ear infection on and off , and this particular teacher has a policy that if you miss three re-hearsals , you are out. Unfortunately dd was out more than three times and eventhough I talked to the teacher and explained that she had been sick and it was documented, he did not allow her to continue.
Honestly I will not go through with the summer school threat because I know she does not need it, but she is 11 years old and she can speak up when she has a problem, her biggest fear is that if she tells the teachers she's going to get in a lot of troublewith them, don't ask me why she thinks that because she has never gotten in trouble.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

Sounds like she has issues with wanting to be perfect and wanting people to believe she is perfect. You might want to address that with a professional as that problem can grow into other areas.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I understand what you are saying and the solution has to be she has to start speaking up.

Have you role played with her? Maybe the teacher could offer some help in that department.
Perhaps do alot of role playing, serious and also "messing up" in front of others so she can see that you CAN mess up asking for help and live through it. Tell her it is a skill that needs to be perfected. It doesn't come easy for everyone.

 

[mermaidlady]

role playing is a good idea. my DS who is 12 had this problem in school this year. We talked to the teachers but like you said they can't help if they don't know We put him in a afterschool homework club for 2 quarters and that seemed to help. Our school district runs it As I see it, it's not a lack of confidence as much as not wanting to look stupid in front of the class.

 

[amid chaos]

NO SUMMER SCHOOL...cause don;'t you have a trip planned? um...one out this way!

 

[ScarlettO]

Originally posted by Mskanga

My fight here is that I want her to start speaking up to let the teachers know and ask for help and I gave her an ultimatum yesterday, she has until the end of the day today to ask the teacher ( and I will verify too ) or I will sign her up for summer school .

I never knew you could just "sign up" for summer school...isn't it just to help pass one class in order to proceed to the next grade? Like if your child was actually failing a class? And it costs$$$.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

Actually you can SIGN up for Summer School. There are enrichment classes available, some fun classes available, etc. It also may depend on where you live.

 

[Mskanga]

Originally posted by ScarlettO
I never knew you could just "sign up" for summer school...isn't it just to help pass one class in order to proceed to the next grade? Like if your child was actually failing a class? And it costs$$$.

Actually in our school you can sign the kids up as long as you pay for it , which I would if it came down to that , but as I said it is not necessary.
I have called her guidance counselor in school, hopefully she can offer some advice since she knows my dd, and maybe she can give me ideas on how we can work through this. DH agreed that to call the counselor was the right approach for now.

 

[zurgswife]

Kanga...my suggestion is to have her take to a school counselor or outside counslor. My guess is that she has a confidence problem which isn't always easy to detect. Some kids seem confidant in some situations and fall apart in others. I speak from personal experience. The more you push her the more she will retreat.

Also, remember you are a very strong personality and it might be very difficult for her to tell you whats going on...you really should seek outside assitance before her grades drop because of her fears..

 

[Mskanga]

Actually Kim , she does talk to me, but I have to ask the right questions to get to the bottom of things. I can do that because only have one child to deal with, but I cannot expect teachers to do that. Maybe with the counselor we will be able to get somewhere. I would hate for her to retreat and struggle, that's exactly what I did after one of my teachers called me stupid infront of the class for asking something that I didn't understand. I never asked again , I figured things out on my own if I didn't understand in class or my sister helped me out , but I never asked a teacher again. I don't want my dd going through this.

 

[Az Pirates]

I don't really have advice - just want to commend you for staying with this and trying to get it taken care of now.

I think too often parents figure 'it's just a phase' and hopefully the kids will outgrow it and they are not proactive enough.
Especially going into middle and high school it's so important for kids to be as confident and able to speak up for themselves as possible - and it's not always easy to do!

 

[atlnewf]

Have you tried something outside of the school? Something like Kumon can help your daughter gain confidence in what she does know and teach her how to either look for the answer, or ask for it. Getting her away from her fellow students and teachers may make it easier for her to admit she doesn't know an answer.

Ashley

 

[Mskanga]

Well , the counselor did not call , she was at a meeting when I called and she will probably call tomorrow. I hope she can give me an idea how to approach this , maybe she can intervene in school and help her at the same time that we help her at home.