Things are looking better....

[Mskanga]

I guess I just got very overwhealmed with a combination of things, and add it's the TOM for me. Things are starting to calm down. I have made some changes , my family is aware of it, I guess I had to scream a little so they would realize that they have to pitch in and change some things. I am not the superwoman they think I am.
Also dh realized he has to think before he talks, he really messed up this weekend.
How long is it going to last this time?
But I know one thing, I couldn't have gotten up again, had it not been for the people here, I usually don't let things bother me but I guess I bottle things in for a while, until I blow up, and it happened this weekend.
Thank you all for your kind and caring words, they mean to me more than you will ever know.
But I still wonder one thing....how comes dh always knows to say the right things to hurt my feelings?

 

[ohiominnie]

Glad things are looking up.
{{{{hugs}}}}

 

[mowsie dreamer]

{{{{Olga}}}} I'm so glad to hear that things are looking better now. It's easy to get overwhelmed when you are trying to juggle so much, especially when it's TOM. And sometimes those unkind comments from our loved ones DO cut just like a knife. Sometimes our families do tend to think we can "do it all" and they need a reminder that we are human, too and we need help.

I'm glad things are calming down for you now and getting back to normal. (Or better than "normal", hopefully.)

 

[nativetxn]

How does your husband know what to say to hurt your feelings? The same way you know what to say to hurt <i>his</i> feelings. It's called marriage. The difference is that you probably don't choose to hurt his feelings as often as he chooses to hurt you.

I think what hurts the most about situations like that is that it is deliberate. Other people <i>choose</i> to push the buttons that hurt us. They need to learn to choose <i>not</i> to do that and it can be done you know. Learned behavior can be unlearned.

I couldn't have gotten up again

Olga, that is not true. You would have eventually gotten back up again. WISH helped you get up more quickly, that's all. You are intelligent and you are a lot stronger than you think. If you have to do things alone you will do them.

Aren't you glad you don't have to do things alone? {{{HUGS}}} sweetie, glad you are finding it easier to smile today.

 

[TigH]

Originally posted by Mskanga
But I still wonder one thing....how comes dh always knows to say the right things to hurt my feelings?

((((((((Olga)))))))))

I'm glad things are looking up for you. About your DH saying things to hurt your feelings, I am going to try to explain my take on this. Ok, first of all, here at WISH alot of us have overcome the "power" that food had over us. Seems like for alot of us there were years of letting food be in control instead of us having control over food (so we were out of control). If you can try to look at your emotions the same way, then it's possible to have more control over your emotions instead of letting them control you. I don't expect you to be like Dr. Spock or any other Vulcan (hee hee!) but I have learned the hard way not to let anyone's comments or actions knock me down. My mother is major person who I've learned this from, as my whole self image and sense of self/worth has been based on getting her approval and getting her to love me for as long as I can remember. It has taken many years of practice to learn to keep myself feeling GREAT no matter what she says that might otherwise piss me off or break my heart (trust me, she is very good at this!)

You are in the beginning stages of a big life change. How you see yourself a year from now will be greatly different than how you see yourself now. You are going through the cocoon to butterfly stage. You are ready for a change and now you have to do some research to find out who Olga is and what Olga wants out of life and how she will get it. Happiness is what most people want, and we all have different paths towards acheiving it. Taking the power back in your life is a good step towards regaining your sense of worth. If you let the words and actions of others, even people you really love who might not intend to hurt you (or who might because they are in a bad place in their life), then you will get nowhere fast. If you can build up the strength inside you to realize that words are just words, and that just because someone says something hurtful to you doesn't make it true, then you are moving in the right direction. It's not like building up a wall, you can still care and love other people, just don't give THEM the power to rock your boat.

That's my take on things anyway. Part of my journey in learning to love myself has been to try to filter out as many negative influences in my life as I can. If my mother can't support me when I am feeling happy (she suffers from depression and misery loves company) than I just don't put myself in a situation where she can say hurtful things to me. This means I do not share MANY wonderful thoughts/ideas with her because I know how she will react. Sorry, I am getting off track here!

Be good to yourself. We grow up being taught that it's vain to think we are beautiful. We grow up learning alot of negative things that our parents, family, friends, society just dump on us without realizing it. It's time to unlearn all that and embrace the concept that you are a wonderful human being with many gifts and talents and that you need to honor yourself and be good to yourself, no matter what is going on around you.

Hugs, TigH. xo

 

[Mskanga]

Kath, you are absolutely correct, I am no saint and I know how to push buttons too.
It just amazes me how children do as grown ups , what they see as children, I have tons of stories I could tell you with my inlaws, let's just say living with my FIL was nothing short of a nightmare, he was never physically abusive but he was very abusive mentally and emotionally. Funny thing is when the inlaws were alive, dh did not allow our children to witness any of their arguments.
Thank God he's nowhere as bad as his father , but still , he can be really good at saying the right thing just to hurt.

 

[Mskanga]

TigH , you hit the nail in the head here and I will tell you why.
Growing up my family sheltered me from a lot of things, arguments and hurting people's feelings was not something I saw, so basically I was raised around people who did not do these things infront of me, I never developed a way to learn these things not to get me.
As a grown up is when I was basically exposed to this, and for me this is still a learning process, I am learning not to let it get to me easily, but when it does ( and especially if it's the TOM ) , it can get ugly.
It's a learning process for me, and I'm still learning.

 

[nativetxn]

Okay, Olga. The next time you have a weekend with just your dh, you need to talk about this with him. Tell him how much better he is than his father but point out how you <i>both</i> seem to "push each other's buttons" and ask him if he has any ideas how you <i>both</i> can learn to not do that anymore. Have some ideas of your own ready for sharing too.

Remind him how uncomfortable he felt when his parents did things like that...I think if you use the right words you can work through this and make it better, don't you?

Just stop accepting that you are a lesser person than anyone esle, sweetie. You are an awesome woman. You are so caring and helpful to others. Stop being so negative. Negativity is a total waste of your life.

Start being more positive. I have to work on this myself, it isn't easy to break those self denigrating habits. I'll tell you what. I'll help you with this if you will help me. Deal?

 

[Mskanga]

Deal Kath!
It's like someone told me once, focus on the positive, not the negative, but at times it's not an easy thing to do.

 

[perfectmatch300]

Olga, glad to hear you're feeling a little better today. Hopefully you & your DH can work your way through things & come out with a much stronger, healthier relationship in the long run. I the meantime I'm sending some more {{{{HUGS}}}} your way just in case you still need them.

 

[Lynn CC]

I'm glad things are looking brighter for you

 

[loisg1]

Hi, Olga,

So glad you're feeling better today!!

Lois

 

[Jomrog]

I'm happy that you are feeling so much better. It sounds like you know yourself pretty well. It's okay to vent & this is a great place to do it.

I can be pretty sensitive sometimes & even get upset when someone is just "teasing". I am learning to let things go to. It's not as easy as it sounds.

{{{HUGS}}}}

 

[Minniespal]

Glad your feeling better.

 

[Kimnicki]

Yeah! Olga's feeling better! I've been thinking about you, I am really glad to hear that your feeling a little better. Hang in there, we're all here for you .