There Are Rules and Regulations for Cemetery Burial Aren't There?

[stm61]

my father-in-law died about 12 years ago, he'd made it clear he wanted to be buried on the farm. There wasn't an existing cemetary at the time. My husband and his brothers dug the grave, which only had to be 4 ft deep, and did whatever else the funeral director told them they needed to do. I think the state did require a vault, I think concrete that was placed in the grave. The funeral was at the funeral parlor, they drove as close to the grave as possible, the male relatives carried the coffin to the site, and they funeral director helped lower it and made sure everything was closed/covered. Saved the family a small fortune since there wasn't much insurance.

 

[MichelleinMaine]

As others have said, there's a wide range of regulations depending on where you are. We buried my grandfather's cremains (with the approval of the cemetery- small, town-owned one in Maine.) It was the most loving and fun (yes I said fun!) burial I have ever been too. The children, grandchildren and great grand children all took part. The shovel broke part way through, my grandfather was a big jokester. We knew he had done that! After, we filled in the hole with dirt and some tumbled stones he had collected on rock hounding trips. I can't think of a more fitting tribute to him.

On the flip side, burying my mother in law's cremains in Minneapolis took an act of Congress practically. I couldn't believe the regulations. (The best part though was the uber-perfect cemetery rep who apologized for saying MIL had died in front of my children. {14 and 10, um, they did have a clue why we'd flown to MN. ) I told her not to worry, they'd buried their great grandfather and were familiar with the process. (sorry, sometimes you just have to laugh.)

They should definately check with the town before doing anything though. I am sorry they are getting such a round around. I truly can feel for you.

 

[chamonix]

Not here. Our cemetary is owned by the church. They make money by selling you a plot. The funeral home makes the money by digging the grave. When my DH dug the grave for the urn he was saving the family the money they would have paid to the funeral home.

Yes, I actually meant something more general, even though I wrote something specific. I meant some cemeteries sell you the plot, some sell the burial, some sell and require crypts, etc etc etc so you need to know what your cemetery allows. In your case, it sounds like you already had paid the cemetery for a plot, so adding the ashes was free. That is actually quite common (and exactly what the OP needs to find out about the particular cemetery they're dealing with) If your cemetery required a separate plot for ashes, you would have had to buy another plot. Since they didn't, you were smart to bury them yourselves to save paying the funeral home! Most people just assume there's only one way to do things. We had no idea it was legal to just dig a hole and bury my friend on his farm until we were faced with the situation. Turns out the only real legal hurdle was the grave marker! No cement vault was required.

As MichelleinMaine wrote, it was indeed the "most loving and fun" burial, and a perfect tribute to the man we loved. This spring a tomato plant grew on his grave which was so perfect--he was known as the Tomato King.

 

[EMom]

Not here. Our cemetary is owned by the church. They make money by selling you a plot. The funeral home makes the money by digging the grave. When my DH dug the grave for the urn he was saving the family the money they would have paid to the funeral home.

I have a relative...Won't say which one. I'll call her Ann. Here's her story.

Ann's DH died when she was in her 40s. He was cremated. They had a funeral and had prepurchased a burial plot, so they put up a headstone at the burial plot, but there was nothing in there. Ann had the ashes at home in some container. She didn't really know what to do with them....I guess she was hoping inspiration would strike.

FF a year and her late DH's mother is near death. And she cannot go to her grave until she can visit her son in HIS grave. So she keeps begging Ann to get the ashes buried in the plot. Ann has no wish to be haunted or begged daily, so she calls the cemetery to get details. It's been several years, but I seem to remember they couldn't do it anytime soon. The MIL would be dead by then. Plus, they wanted a fairly substantial sum to dig a hole. No concrete vault, etc. Just a hole. Not 6 feet under either or anything like that. And Ann was not exactly rolling in money.

Sooooooo.......Being a "the Lord helps those who help themselves" type person, she drove to the cemetery, ashes and shovel in hand. It was December, but luckily it's Texas and the ground wasn't frozen. She started digging. A car drove by. So she dropped the shovel and pretended to be deep in thought at the graveside. The car passed, she picked up the shovel and started again. Another car passed, she dropped the shovel, stood by the grave and waited for the car to pass. This happened a few times. So that's the scene. Dig, dig, dig, drop shovel, stand immobile until car passes, pick up shovel and begin again. Over and over. Finally, the hole was a few feet deep and she put the container in and started to cover it up. But more cars passed and she had to drop the shovel a few more times.

She told me, "If someone had seen me with that shovel at the burial plot, who would have believed I was putting him IN the ground instead of digging him UP?" Anyway, she was able to assure his mother the deed was done (leaving out the details that it was a DIY job) and the mother was able to visit the grave just before she died. And Ann's conscience was clear.

Believe me, her late DH would have said, "Just dig the hole yourself."

 

[minkydog]

DH's grandfather shallowly buried his wife's ashes in the back yard, and didn't mark the spot. He was 98 years old at the time, and within a year he needed to move in with family and sell the house. DH' cousin went out to the back yard with him to retrieve grandma after he accepted the house offer, and it took about 15 tries before they found her.
It is legal in most places to scatter or bury ashes on your private property, so he didn't do anything illegal, but he didn't really think through the ramifications. (If you're intending to leave someone's cremains there forever, you really should go down a ways, to spare future owners the unpleasantness of finding them when they plant a patch of tomatoes.)

I can just picture this. You know the new homeowners are thinking, "Man, there must be gophers in our backyard."

 

[funnygarcia]

DIY funerals and burials are not illegal and in fact are a wonderful expression of love. There was a documentary on caring for you own dead on Netflix awhile back, not sure if it's still available. It was based on a book "Caring for Your Own Dead".

Her's a web site with some info and has a link to resources in other states.

http://www.funerals.org/your-legal-rights/caring-for-your-own-dead

It might be legal to bury the cremains yourself.

For the poster who had problems in Minneapolis, I am not surprised. Until recently there were a bunch of silly state laws that make it almost impossible to do your own burials or death care. Every few years a bill was presented to change the laws, only to be shot down by the large funeral homes and cemetery owners. It was just this year that laws were made into effect to allow green and DIY burials. NO embalming needed up to 72 hours, no funeral director needed for private home viewings/transportation. There was a law, now revoked, where minors were not allowed to be present with a non-embalmed body.. silly silly silly.

 

[stm61]

DH's grandfather shallowly buried his wife's ashes in the back yard, and didn't mark the spot. He was 98 years old at the time, and within a year he needed to move in with family and sell the house. DH' cousin went out to the back yard with him to retrieve grandma after he accepted the house offer, and it took about 15 tries before they found her.

It is legal in most places to scatter or bury ashes on your private property, so he didn't do anything illegal, but he didn't really think through the ramifications. (If you're intending to leave someone's cremains there forever, you really should go down a ways, to spare future owners the unpleasantness of finding them when they plant a patch of tomatoes.)

Something similar happened to neighbors of ours about 40 years ago. The husband had been cremated, but not buried, his last wishes were to be put in the coffin with his wife when she passed, she had no intention of being cremated. The wife took his ashes home and told the family she'd put them in one of his favorite places on the property. The only problem was she'd never said exactly where that spot was. She died unexpectantly from a sudden illness. The kids never thought to ask where she'd put dad until it was to late. Her funeral is scheduled and the family searches high and low and can't find the husband anywhere. Funeral director searches himself and can't find anything so he asks my grandfather, who'd been friends with the husband, if he has any ideas. Granddad eventually found the box of ashes in a planter in one of the flower gardens, the day before the funeral. We had fun telling the new owner's kids all about the ghost of the previous owner who wandered around the property searching for his last ashes because they'd never been found

 

[tvguy]

You have to track down someone who knows the rules for that cemetery, community and state.
Rules can be vastly different.
My Aunt and Uncle lived in a small town in Saskatchewan Canada and the family has to arrange to have the grave dug, or do it themselves. My Uncle was among a group of volunteers to would step up and do that for local families. And of course, because the ground is frozen in the winter, you can't do burials then. And I guess the water table is so high in the early spring after the ground thaws that is can nearly impossible to pump it out fast enough to bury a casket. Although my uncle told me that putting a hole in the casket with a pick helps overcome that issue.