Their charity, for a wedding gift?

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Wow, this was a very rude comment. This is exactly the wedding I want and Its Disney for Goodness sake! I've dreamt of this since I was a little girl. I'm out of this thread.

The wedding is exactly what you want--but I am just curious if your guests are 100% doing everything you expect them too.

I am sure that you are following the rules of etiquette in everything you do....I had not one trouble from any of my guests whatsoever (well except my step-mother whom I wish I could have NOT invited).

You made a post indicating that if someone could not donate to a charity of your choice then you wouldn't invite them to your wedding. That to me says that you only want people to share in your happy day that agree with EVERYTHING you do.

You then made a statement that you wanted to avoid things like this and implied you don't wish to be judged by your guests.

I'm sure your wedding will be beautiful and go as you planned.

We are not talking about weddings--we are talking about gift registries and donations to controversial charities as gifts. It sounds like you want your guests to do as they are told in that regard. And that is sad. No matter how willingly they are to obey you.

 

[lulugirl]

Just curious, for those of you who find the donation request rude...is it that they are suggesting a donation at all OR is it that they chose a specific charity?

Also, why are some here referring to it as a "controversial charity" ? The OP just said he didn't agree w/ it.

 

[sajetto]

I know I said I was outta here, but I just wanted to respond to you.

I had a rather small wedding. Couldn't stand the idea of people staring at me as I walked down the aisle. Also never went to a graduation ceremony. That's just me.

I never went to a high school or college graduation either, it just wasn't my thing

Your parents and you get to have whatever kind of wedding you want. THAT is all up to you. As host/hostess of any reception, you should OF COURSE be trying to make your guests as comfortable as possible. Everyone tries this in their own way.

My parents aren't helping with this wedding at all, but they don't need to. I know they've given me more than I could ever ask for and as a thank you we have booked them in a nicer room than we have for the whole week...a 2 bedroom DVC. Our 18 guests' all have rooms that are paid for too.

What you don't get to pick is how OTHER people spend their money.

I think I misworded my posts and I would NEVER try to dictate how another person spends their money and we have requested no gifts at all. The plesure of their presence is all we need. What I am trying to say is that I think this couple is being very selfless in asking that any gifts go to charity and they should not be seen as being rude. I don't know what questionable charities others are referring to, but if it is something they don't agree with a congrats card would do.

I am sure that you will speak with Dear Old Mom and she will guide you through your wedding and everything will be wonderful. I'm also sure you won't do anything rude.

My mother is indeed a woman of grace and she had been a source of guidance. I'm praying that all goes well, we have good weather, and that the elderly guests are in good health. My grandfather is really making a sacrifice driving all the way to FL at 81 years old to walk me down the aisle with my father!

And Best Wishes!

Thank you so much!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Just curious, for those of you who find the donation request rude...is it that they are suggesting a donation at all OR is it that they chose a specific charity?

Also, why are some here referring to it as a "controversial charity" ? The OP just said he didn't agree w/ it.

Since he said that most guests at the wedding would/could have a problem with it, but he won't tell us...we are trying to figure out what type of charity would be an issue that a good portion of guests would have a problem. We are assuming it to be a controversial charity--i.e. you either support them or you don't, no real gray area...like opposing political parties, or those charities with opposing issues (like pro-choice/pro-life, pro-animal life/if it is edible or edible, I will eat it or wear it).

We really don't know what that is.


The donation request isn't totally rude (except etiquette says you should never say no gifts or in lieu of gifts on an invite as that means you expected gifts in the first place).....it is the fact that there is no *choice*--they were given the one option and OP wants to know what should be done.

That is the problem with the one charity choice. The *one* charity is a problem--and now a guest is in the uncomfortable position of whether they must make the donation, or can they do something else and it be acceptable. Hosts should never place their guests in an uncomfortable predicament.

 

[mumto2]

One point that hasn't been brought up yet is that if you donate to a charity, you get put on their mailing list. Even if the donation is made in someone else's name, the name and address on the check still get entered into the database at many organizations. Many charities share mailing lists with similar organizations. So by donating to a charity you do not agree with, you are guaranteeing yourself 2-3 years worth of solicitation letters from groups whose causes you may find offensive.

Just a thought...

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I think I misworded my posts and I would NEVER try to dictate how another person spends their money and we have requested no gifts at all. The plesure of their presence is all we need. What I am trying to say is that I think this couple is being very selfless in asking that any gifts go to charity and they should not be seen as being rude. I don't know what questionable charities others are referring to, but if it is something they don't agree with a congrats card would do.

Then we have misunderstood your posts. (If you read your OP--I hope you can see how we veered off in the direction we did as what you say here is practically the polar opposite as before).

Best wishes with your Disney wedding.

 

[disykat]

I don't feel that the bride and groom's request is rude at all. However, if you do not agree with the charity they have chosen I would simply choose a charity of your choice. A gift is a gift and shouldn't be dictated, it should be something you wish to give with the hopes that the recipient appreciates your thoughtfulness. If they truly lack for nothing and wish no gifts I would respect that and I would give a donation to my favorite charity instead without asking if they mind, I would just do it in the spirit that it was intended.

ITA! I would definately give to a charity in their honor, but I'd choose something I didn't find objectionable and felt would honor them as well.

 

[sajetto]

The wedding is exactly what you want--but I am just curious if your guests are 100% doing everything you expect them too.
It sounds like you want your guests to do as they are told in that regard. And that is sad. No matter how willingly they are to obey you

What is it I'm expecting them to do?????????????


To come is all...I've asked for no gifts and I've paid for all their accomodations and travel expenses. This is my FAMILY and when I envision my wedding they are the only people I imagine there. I love them all dearly and they see me as a selfless person and they can do whatever they want.

 

[lulugirl]

Since he said that most guests at the wedding would/could have a problem with it, but he won't tell us...we are trying to figure out what type of charity would be an issue that a good portion of guests would have a problem. We are assuming it to be a controversial charity--i.e. you either support them or you don't, no real gray area...like opposing political parties, or those charities with opposing issues (like pro-choice/pro-life, pro-animal life/if it is edible or edible, I will eat it or wear it).

We really don't know what that is.


The donation request isn't totally rude (except etiquette says you should never say no gifts or in lieu of gifts on an invite as that means you expected gifts in the first place).....it is the fact that there is no *choice*--they were given the one option and OP wants to know what should be done.

That is the problem with the one charity choice. The *one* charity is a problem--and now a guest is in the uncomfortable position of whether they must make the donation, or can they do something else and it be acceptable. Hosts should never place their guests in an uncomfortable predicament.

Okay, I get it now. I missed the part where the OP stated he thought that many of the guests may be offended (and that the bride/groom had to know this).
I think a polite request for no gifts would have been a better way to go.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

What is it I'm expecting them to do?????????????


To come is all...I've asked for no gifts and I've paid for all their accomodations and travel expenses. This is my FAMILY and when I envision my wedding they are the only people I imagine there. I love them all dearly and they see me as a selfless person and they can do whatever they want.

In post 46 I have conceded that we have misread your posts.

Your OP is the polar opposite of what you posted in post #45. Your OP implied otherwise and I apologize if that was not your intent and i misinterpreted.

 

[sajetto]

I saw this post after my last one.

Then we have misunderstood your posts. (If you read your OP--I hope you can see how we veered off in the direction we did as what you say here is practically the polar opposite as before).

Best wishes with your Disney wedding.

Thank you for the well wishes


We are very excited and we are planning like mad.

I'm sorry if I haven't explained my thought process well enough, I'm a little tired and actually my fiance is next to me and we are trying to decide upon our vows so my mind is a little scrambled too.
I don't want to take this thread anymore off topic than I already have so I'm just going to shut up about my wedding now

 

[DMRick]

We are assuming it to be a controversial charity--i.e. you either support them or you don't, no real gray area...like opposing political parties, or those charities with opposing issues (like pro-choice/pro-life, pro-animal life/if it is edible or edible, I will eat it or wear it).

Yes, that would be correct.. my problem is that it's an opposing issue for us. And IMO a surprising charity for them to pick, knowing who they have invited to the wedding. And I'm a she.
Make a wish, american cancer society etc. Children's Cancer Ward, I would have had no problem.
Doris

 

[palmtreegirl]

No, I'm not going to say what it is, because that would become the focus..and it's not this, but if you were an animal rights activist, would you give to a hunting group, that is trying to make hunting legal in a way it isn't now? If you believed in home schooling, would you give to a group trying to abolish it? If something was against your moral belief, would you support it with your money?

It's along those lines..any of the above.

I think we will go with the home depot gift certificate. Everyone with a home can use that..and if they want to tear it up..that's up to them. Thanks to the person with that idea.

If it's something like that, then no I wouldn't do it. I'd go with a gift card, another charity or even just money.

 

[sajetto]

Yes, that would be correct.. my problem is that it's an opposing issue for us. And IMO a surprising charity for them to pick, knowing who they have invited to the wedding. And I'm a she.
Make a wish, american cancer society etc. Children's Cancer Ward, I would have had no problem.
Doris

Now, I'm getting back onto YOUR topic...sorry DMRick

I've missed something could someone please tell me what charity the bride and groom have requested or give me a hint?

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

And I'm a she.

Doris

SORRY!

Thought I caught them all in my post...sometimes I just see "Rick" and forget.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Now, I'm getting back onto YOUR topic...sorry DMRick

I've missed something could someone please tell me what charity the bride and groom have requested or give me a hint?

We don't know.

Our only hint is that it is a charity with no gray area where you either agree with it or don't.

 

[Hermosa11]

I'm not looking to start a debate, but as a bride I think that a guest that wouldn't give to the chairty that I chose is a guest I wish not to attend. If they didn't have the money that's one thing, but its no different than if I had a china set on my registry that you thought was tacky. It doesn't matter what the guest likes, if it is what the bride and groom want then that's what goes and trust me I am FAR from a bridezilla, this is just courtesy.

Are you flipping serious? You honestly believe ALLLL your friends believe in the same charities that you do? OMG!!! That just cracks me up.
And I suppose you also believe EVERYone at your wedding absolutely LOVES every song you Love too.............gosh...... how niave you are.

 

[sajetto]

We don't know.

Our only hint is that it is a charity with no gray area where you either agree with it or don't.

Hmmm okay.

Well, I'm not well versed in all the charities out there because there are too many. I think that if this charity is so far out there from DMRick's beliefs then the couple might know that. Maybe she could put a small amount to a different charity online, print out the charity name and amount from that site, and put it in a card for the couple, they'll probably get the hint.

DMRick...did this couple use the charity registry website? Is there another charity that could be selected or a 1-800 number you could call to request an alternate selection?

If not, there are websites out there that allow couples to give their guests 3 choices and they can give as little as $1 or as high as the thousands. You maybe could mention this to the bride and groom if you know them well.

 

[DMRick]

Hmmm okay.

DMRick...did this couple use the charity registry website? Is there another charity that could be selected or a 1-800 number you could call to request an alternate selection?.

No, it was in with the wedding invitation.

 

[Aimeedyan]

I think it's borderline tacky to include such information on an invite. Traditionally, any conversation about gifts should be spread by word of mouth. However, I can sorta see why they chose this route since they are expecting people to give them cash and they want those individuals to know up front that they intend on donating cash to the charity of their choice. I think I'd be even more upset if I gave cash to the couple and then found out they intended on giving it away to a charity I didn't want to support. So I see both sides on that.

In regards to the charity choice, I think anytime guests are given a choice of a charity to donate to, it should be several different charities to try and accomodate all guests. Certainly there is more than 1 charity in the world that the bride/groom feel are worthy of extra funds! They could have even just said "in lieu of gifts, please make a donation to the charity of your choice..."

If giving to a charity in lieu of favors, I think a single charity is fine since it's really the bride/grooms money that is going to that - not their guests.

If I were attending the wedding, I would respect their wishes in not giving them anything monetarily but I would choose another charity instead and pass that information onto them. The snarky side of me would be tempted to choose a charity opposite of what they chose (if they chose a pro life place, I'd choose planned parenthood) but I would be kind and choose something that no one could truly get upset about - like St Judes. =) I'd be tempted, though!

=)